"Fag hag"...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2012 4:11 PM GMT
    As of recently I took things to the next step with my boyfriend and moved in with him and his roommate. His roommate is like his best friend hence the title "Fag hag" on this post. They have been really good friends for years--before I even came into the picture. However, I have noticed things that have really annoyed me. It seems like he and I can never go and do anything without her. Everything is we (me, him, and HER). He can sit in the same room as me all day when it's just he and I, but when she gets there he will talk to her nonstop and its pretty much things like "Do you remember when we did this, this, and that..." And they way they talk to each other makes it seem as if she will be around for years to come. They flirt with each other, call each other honey and baby, smack each others asses... I'm sorry but I don't want to have her attached to us like a mole when we are trying to make a life together. I'm not insecure because she's not exactly even a 3 (I'm an asshole, I know) but I don't want to feel like I'm sharing my boyfriend with her. I'm to the point to where I want to just leave and let them have each other. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Am I overreacting?
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Dec 16, 2012 4:15 PM GMT
    Wow. You weren't aware of this before you moved in with them?

    First, you need to state (privately with your bf) how you feel about this, what you want, and see whether or not he wants the same thing. Obviously if not, there's no where to go with this.

    If there is, you can give it a chance to work out. But the reality is it may not.

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    Dec 16, 2012 4:18 PM GMT
    Mike,

    No I was not. I knew she lived with him but I didn't know it was of this magnitude. I did talk to him about it and all he said was "Im sorry, I love you and I don't want you to ever feel like this again". I think it's her trying to wedge herself between us. She called he and I her "two husbands". I resent that because I HATE her.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Dec 16, 2012 4:23 PM GMT
    why do you actually hate her though?
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    Dec 16, 2012 4:28 PM GMT
    I shouldn't say hate but I really dislike her because I feel like she is trying to budge her way into our relationship. She has to know everything that's going on with us (I don't tell her, but he does). And no I'm not going to give him an ultimatum. That is NOT how I am.
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    Dec 16, 2012 4:30 PM GMT
    I would not bring it up directly, as I don't think it will end well. It will only make him feel judged and criticized, which, right or wrong, is a huge turn-off for men.

    I think the next time he invites you to go with "them" somewhere, you should politely decline (but don't act weird about it.) Just happily go to a movie with one of your friends. If he insists on knowing why you're not coming with them, just tell him you think he needs time alone with his friend and that you and he can do something together another time. This will do two very important things: Number one, it will take the pressure off of him to always feel like the three of you have to do everything together. This will actually make him want alone time with you in the long run. Secondly, it will discreetly suggest boundaries where there currently are none. I would see if this doesn't fix the problem after a couple of months. Of course if this doesn't work, you'll be forced to attack the problem head on.
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    Dec 16, 2012 4:33 PM GMT
    Scruffy,

    I did this once and he ended up saying "if you don't want to go then I am going to stay home with you." He refused to go without me. I don't know, it's complicated.
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    Dec 16, 2012 4:34 PM GMT
    The good news being that if she ever finds a real husband, she's gonna dump her gay stand-in and you'll be there to pick up the pieces.
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    Dec 16, 2012 4:57 PM GMT
    You should have had him move in with you. Remember, you're the newcomer to the party. BF and FH have been friends for years.. Much longer than you've been around to build trust through shared experiences. Now, you're going to be the one who is wedging between two friends vying for your BF's time and attention.

    But, now that the mistake has been made, you have some options to consider:

    1. Stay in the current living situation until you can begin to extricate yourself, and possibly your BF, into a living space of your own.
    2. Move out. Then try to maintain the relationship with the BF, with the hopes that he will eventually move out of the living situation with FH, and move in with you.
    3. Find her a BF fast. One that is rich that will take her in quickly.
    3. Move out, dump the BF, and start fresh with a painful lesson learned.

    I don't think it's reasonable to ask FH to move out.
    I don't think it's wise to make her life miserable so that she will move out.

    I do think you should go see a therapist to identify and consider more options. The longer this draws out, the more drama all of you will have to live with.

    Life is short. Cut to the chase.
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    Dec 16, 2012 5:05 PM GMT
    Rican,

    I don't really agree with you saying I'm the one impeding on their friendship although I understand where you're coming from. I respect their time together and I just go and do something else. I don't think this issue is deep enough to require seeing a therapist. On the other hand, I also don't think I should have to feel like a third wheel when he really wanted me to move in with him. I care about him too much to just leave.
  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Dec 16, 2012 5:14 PM GMT
    here's a bright idea for ya!


    yall should move out! Or kick the bitch to the curb and have her move out.

    Yallz should get ur own place together. Remember, YOU moved in on them. You moved into their world. So now thats time to make You and your's Boo's world a reality and getta damn place of ur own.
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    Dec 16, 2012 5:21 PM GMT
    joshinout saidRican,

    I don't really agree with you saying I'm the one impeding on their friendship although I understand where you're coming from. I respect their time together and I just go and do something else. I don't think this issue is deep enough to require seeing a therapist. On the other hand, I also don't think I should have to feel like a third wheel when he really wanted me to move in with him. I care about him too much to just leave.


    You don't have to agree with me or anybody.
    You're the one who came here seeking advice from the interwebz.
    Your gratitude in critiquing what you solicited, and what was freely shared with you speaks volumes regarding your character.

    You're the one living in the situation.
    Feel free to stay there forever in your ambivalence.
    And may all three of you have a rich and unforgettable, learning experience.

    Goodbye.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2012 5:26 PM GMT
    DIVA FIGHT!
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    Dec 16, 2012 5:36 PM GMT
    GAMRican said
    joshinout saidRican,

    I don't really agree with you saying I'm the one impeding on their friendship although I understand where you're coming from. I respect their time together and I just go and do something else. I don't think this issue is deep enough to require seeing a therapist. On the other hand, I also don't think I should have to feel like a third wheel when he really wanted me to move in with him. I care about him too much to just leave.


    You don't have to agree with me or anybody.
    You're the one who came here seeking advice from the interwebz.
    Your gratitude in critiquing what you solicited, and what was freely shared with you speaks volumes regarding your character.

    You're the one living in the situation.
    Feel free to stay there forever in your ambivalence.
    And may all three of you have a rich and unforgettable, learning experience.

    Goodbye.



    Ok ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2012 6:06 PM GMT
    well, when you took him you took his friends. They aren't optional extras.

    He's coming to your bed at the end of the day not her. So I'd say your getting the better end of the deal.
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    Dec 16, 2012 7:55 PM GMT
    I'm gonna vary from what everyone else here and say that you need to directly confront your boyfriend about this. Don't be rude, but it needs to be brought up.

    She seems like she's a close friend of his, and she's probably jealous of the closeness between you two, which is why she's trying to wedge herself in there. It's fine for friends to tag along every now and then, but you shouldn't have to be a third wheel. Especially if they constantly talk about things that you wouldn't know anything about.

    If you want to leave from frustration, then obviously it's big enough of a deal that there needs to be some conflict. Your bf shouldn't have to completely abandon his friend, but tell him that you want to be able to spend time alone together instead of constantly with a spectator.

    Best of luck~ c:
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    Dec 16, 2012 8:02 PM GMT
    theantijock saidThe good news being that if she ever finds a real husband, she's gonna dump her gay stand-in and you'll be there to pick up the pieces.


    I don't think that:
    a) she's gonna find husband, and;
    b) he's not a gay stand-in, but more of a permanent fixture

    You love him? He loves you? I would go apartment hunting without the hag and say "good riddance."
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    Dec 16, 2012 8:12 PM GMT
    Claystation saidDIVA FIGHT!


    Yeah right! Popcorn? icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2012 8:18 PM GMT
    Ouch! Now the OP is "hidden/deleted." Does this mean the FH has access to his online accounts?
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Dec 16, 2012 8:29 PM GMT
    GigoloAssassin said
    Claystation saidDIVA FIGHT!


    Yeah right! Popcorn? icon_biggrin.gif


    happy to share

    popcorn_yes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 16, 2012 11:07 PM GMT
    OP, you made the mistake - not the woman and not your bf.

    Your own self-reliance (or lack of it) is where you failed.

    I'm sure you would like to think that there is a lot more to this story and that somehow the nuance isn't captured correctly here, but here is the bottom line:

    If you had truly been self-reliant - and this relationship was at a mature enough stage for "moving in together" - you and your BF would have found your own place. You didn't. Your turned over your independence and ability to control your own destiny or your future as a couple - to her.

    Tough luck, pal. Chalk this one up to a life lesson.
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    Dec 16, 2012 11:29 PM GMT
    joshinout saidAm I overreacting?

    Sounds like you've walked into your own version of the old sitcom Will & Grace. Where the subtext beneath the comedy was the codependency of gay Will & straight Grace, who could be termed his fag hag. (A term I dislike, BTW)

    I'm afraid I have to conclude, along with some others here, that you are in a 3-way relationship. And that doesn't appear to please you, which wouldn't surprise me.

    Time to say: "It's me or the cat" and let him decide.
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    Dec 16, 2012 11:35 PM GMT
    Overreacting?
    Probably.

    I don't think you have the right to break-up their friendship, but you should set some ground rules.

    Let your bf know that you feel left out, and even when your included feel like you don't fit into their dynamic.

    All you can do is learn to like her, she's probably gonna be around for a long time.
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    Dec 16, 2012 11:35 PM GMT
    I don't think I would make him pick. Because most likely you will be the loser when push comes to shove. He might choose you now but he won't ditch her and she won't forgive you.

    My suggestion go and talk with HER and see what you guys can come up with. Maybe ya'll are both wanting his attention and rightfully so.
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    Dec 17, 2012 12:33 AM GMT
    Elvis has left the building! You fuckers are just talking amongst yourselves now.