LDR Assistance

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2012 1:58 AM GMT
    So...I've never written a topic like this before in all my years in RJ, but as I have a general lack of people in my immediate life at the moment who have been in a similar situation to ask for advice/encouragement I figured why not try here...

    Background:

    I've been in a relationship with my bf for about a year now and things have been amazing. We are very much in love and care deeply about each other. The only issue is that he lives in Mexico. We are lucky because he spends about two months at a time here in NYC for work and then two months off in Mexico City. We talk almost every day, and things have been pretty smooth for the last 7 months with the occasional fight. We're currently working on him moving here, but moving to the US from Mexico is pretty difficult.


    The problem? The distance is really starting to get to me the last several weeks. I've been in kind of a down mood because of the winter and lack of sunlight (happens every year), and I just am feeling a little lonely and as the relationship has gone on and gotten more serious I'm feeling like we're missing out on a lot of time together. Love is great, but nothing can substitute doing things together, and without that I'm starting to feel a little detached.

    Can anybody who has been in a similar situation offer any advice or encouragement for me? I could use a pep talk .

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2012 2:29 AM GMT
    Ejay311 saidCan anybody who has been in a similar situation offer any advice or encouragement for me? I could use a pep talk.

    My LDR was only 1500 miles, and within the US. Fortunately we were both retired, so we alternated 2-week visits each month. Most of mine were done via motorcycle, a 3-day trip each way, so quite an undertaking.

    Then we became partners, my first, moving in together, no more traveling. It was the best decision of my life, and without denigrating my present wonderful partner, perhaps because this guy was my first I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. All those miles & months were worth it, even if he did tragically die a few years later.

    But I don't think we could have sustained an LDR indefinitely. It's how a relationship can start & grow, but not become a permanent arrangement in my view.

    You need to plan for ultimately living together, however that can happen for you. But in the meantime, an LDR is fine, as a bridge to your future life together. I just don't see it as a final answer, but rather as the means to an end.
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Dec 17, 2012 3:55 AM GMT
    This is the toughest time of the year to be apart from someone. Sucks to see holiday get togethers and people have their significant other with them. I would say focus on the goal. If you are at least making progress to the two of you finally being together then don't let up. Find something to perk you up and fight the holiday depression.
  • reptile18

    Posts: 199

    Dec 17, 2012 4:00 AM GMT
    Ejay311 saidSo...I've never written a topic like this before in all my years in RJ, but as I have a general lack of people in my immediate life at the moment who have been in a similar situation to ask for advice/encouragement I figured why not try here...

    Background:

    I've been in a relationship with my bf for about a year now and things have been amazing. We are very much in love and care deeply about each other. The only issue is that he lives in Mexico. We are lucky because he spends about two months at a time here in NYC for work and then two months off in Mexico City. We talk almost every day, and things have been pretty smooth for the last 7 months with the occasional fight. We're currently working on him moving here, but moving to the US from Mexico is pretty difficult.


    The problem? The distance is really starting to get to me the last several weeks. I've been in kind of a down mood because of the winter and lack of sunlight (happens every year), and I just am feeling a little lonely and as the relationship has gone on and gotten more serious I'm feeling like we're missing out on a lot of time together. Love is great, but nothing can substitute doing things together, and without that I'm starting to feel a little detached.

    Can anybody who has been in a similar situation offer any advice or encouragement for me? I could use a pep talk .



    WOW. My exact same relationship situation. Except I'm in San Diego and he's in Tijuana. Let me know how it works out icon_razz.gif
  • ohioguy12

    Posts: 2024

    Dec 17, 2012 4:21 AM GMT
    reptile18 said
    Ejay311 said.



    WOW. My exact same relationship situation. Except I'm in San Diego and he's in Tijuana. Let me know how it works out icon_razz.gif


    Aren't you guys only like 20 minutes away?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2012 4:36 AM GMT
    In the next 2 years, I'll be in a similar position as you are. I'll be traveling all over the country for a work assignment and my bf and I will only see each other every 3 months. We talked about this in great lengths and we decided that we are going to work at it. We expect the LDR to be extremely difficult but we've establish a goal. Once I'm done with my "tour of duty", we'll be together again permanently. Have you talked about this with your bf? How does he feel about the distance?

    You mentioned that you have a "general lack of people in my immediate life at the moment who have been in a similar situation to ask for advice/encouragement". While this may be true, your friends and/or family are your primary support to get you through this difficult time, especially during the holidays.

    One question for you though. Why is it difficult for your bf to move to the States? The reason for asking this is because I'm wondering if deep down, you don't want to continue the distance relationship anymore and the chances of him moving to the States permanently are slim.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2012 5:37 AM GMT
    Thank you guys for the thoughts! It's good to hear other opinions.

    Erik101One question for you though. Why is it difficult for your bf to move to the States? The reason for asking this is because I'm wondering if deep down, you don't want to continue the distance relationship anymore and the chances of him moving to the States permanently are slim.


    We have talked about the distance at length, and both agree we need to close it ASAP. The issue is that for him to move here he would need an employer to sponsor him, which is VERY difficult to get these days as the US very strict on that sort of thing. He works at Hugo Boss, which is very much an international company, but moving within the company and transferring to another country takes time. We're both young and while we are doing well in our careers, neither of us make enough to support the two of us on one income.

    I wouldn't mind going to Mexico City, but the fact that my Spanish is elementary at best takes me out of being competitive in the job market there.

    Either route can happen, they would just take some time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2012 5:48 AM GMT
    I am.
    I see my boyfriend about once every two weeks to a month.

    I agree that it's the expectations about the stupid stuff that's hard. You expect that you should be able to cuddle with your boyfriend or go to shows together or parties or dinner. But eventually you have to make a choice if you love him and want him in your life or you want to find someone that fits your geographical requirements.
    Maybe you just want a platonic boyfriend, someone where there are absolutely no romantic feeling (so your bf isn't jealous and you aren't tempted to cheat) but who can do the +1 duties in place of your bf.


    reptile18 said
    WOW. My exact same relationship situation. Except I'm in San Diego and he's in Tijuana. Let me know how it works out icon_razz.gif

    Yes. Same exact situation...except that you can walk to TJ from San Diego.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Dec 17, 2012 2:34 PM GMT
    LDRs can work, but both guys really have to want it, believe in it, and work together to find a way to end the long distance aspect of the relationship.

    I agree that they are not sustainable over the long haul, so finding a mutually agreed upon goal to be together by such and such a time is really important.

    Otherwise, they fizzle and then mistrust and resentment creep in. And then it becomes easy for one or the other to throw up his hands and claim that it's hopeless.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 17, 2012 3:46 PM GMT
    LDR can and does work for some but not for others. It does require a level of sustained effort from both parties. Communication is key, and neither you nor your partner should be (or should feel like) an afterthought. I understand the feeling of detachment, and that feeling is inevitable if you don't communicate with each other or see each other with some frequency. If you're truly compatible and you truly love each other, it would help to remind each other often that your situation is temporary and that you do have a wonderful future ahead of you. Both of you are lucky to have found each other, distance notwithstanding, and you should be thankful for that. Good luck.