I discovered my boyfriend's REAL age accidentally. He's 10 years older than what he had told me.

  • Angelix90

    Posts: 267

    Dec 18, 2012 4:52 AM GMT
    I guess he's very good in taking care of himself. In fact too good that he looks like he's in his 30s although he's 10 years older. I have no issue with age and I love mature men to be honest but now we have a 20 years gap between us.

    We have been going steady for more than a year now. I'm surprised by my discovery but I'm more upset that he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth.

    How should I approach it? Should I tell him that I know or should I wait for him to tell me when he's ready?

    Have anyone dated people way older/younger than yourself? How did it turn out?
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    Dec 18, 2012 4:55 AM GMT
    Could be worse. About 20 years ago a 25 year old friend not only found out that is partner was not 30 but 40, but that he was HIV positive. They stayed together until his partner died of AIDS, leaving him with the funeral expenses and in debt, and to make matters even worse his partner's family never gave him back his share of the ashes. I bore witness to the partner's deterioration so I give this friend a lot of credit. Today he remains HIV negative and has a new partner of 15 years, a few years younger, whose mother gave them the downpayment for a 2 bedroom which they've since flipped and parlayed into a $2M Manhattan brownstone.

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    Dec 18, 2012 5:06 AM GMT
    How did you discover that he is 10 years older?

    I value trust more than anything when it comes to a relationship. My partner and I completely trust each other and we don't hold anything back. Given that we don't know the specific details on your discovery, I would suggest talking to him and explain to him that age doesn't bother you but lying does. If he lied to you about his age, what else could he be lying about?
  • Angelix90

    Posts: 267

    Dec 18, 2012 5:10 AM GMT
    eagermuscle saidCould be worse. About 20 years ago a 25 year old friend not only found out that is partner was not 30 but 40, but that he was HIV positive. They stayed together until his partner died of AIDS, leaving him with the funeral expenses and in debt, and to make matters even worse his partner's family never gave him back his share of the ashes. I bore witness to the partner's deterioration so I give this friend a lot of credit. Today he remains HIV negative and has a new partner of 15 years, a few years younger, whose mother gave them the downpayment for a 2 bedroom which they've since flipped and parlayed into a $2M Manhattan brownstone.



    I'm unable to forgive people who would intentionally hide their HIV status when they know they're positive. I had a friend who dated a guy who was HIV+ but he didn't tell my friend about it. He only found out after they broke up and it was already a year later. His outcome was not so lucky as your friend because he died of complications a few years later.
  • Angelix90

    Posts: 267

    Dec 18, 2012 5:21 AM GMT
    Erik101 saidHow did you discover that he is 10 years older?

    I value trust more than anything when it comes to a relationship. My partner and I completely trust each other and we don't hold anything back. Given that we don't know the specific details on your discovery, I would suggest talking to him and explain to him that age doesn't bother you but lying does. If he lied to you about his age, what else could he be lying about?


    We are planning a trip to overseas and naturally I need his passport. I know where he stores his documents so it didn't take me long to find out.

    He's a wonderful guy. He's sexy, intelligent, caring and financially stable. Although I mentioned age is not a problem but 20 years is a bit daunting to me. He's around my dad's age and imagine the look on his face if I ever bring my boyfriend to meet him.

    I hate the lying too but I just don't know how to approach it delicately.
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    Dec 18, 2012 5:21 AM GMT
    Angelix90 saidI guess he's very good in taking care of himself. In fact too good that he looks like he's in his 30s although he's 10 years older. I have no issue with age and I love mature men to be honest but now we have a 20 years gap between us.

    We have been going steady for more than a year now. I'm surprised by my discovery but I'm more upset that he didn't trust me enough to tell me the truth.

    How should I approach it? Should I tell him that I know or should I wait for him to tell me when he's ready?

    Have anyone dated people way older/younger than yourself? How did it turn out?

    Folks who lie are liers. This is likely just the beginning.
  • Karl

    Posts: 5787

    Dec 18, 2012 5:24 AM GMT
    he's afraid of losing you maybe ?
    You said you and him have been going steady now... I think that's good.
    Have you tried to asked him why he didnt tell you the truth yet ?
    A lie has its own good and bad reasons.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Dec 18, 2012 5:25 AM GMT
    yeah something so unimportant as age and he couldnt trust you? what else is he lying to you about.

    confront him
  • Hunkymonkey

    Posts: 215

    Dec 18, 2012 5:28 AM GMT
    This is important. You need to talk to him about this. I did not say confront. Talk. Confrontation will not be helpful.
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    Dec 18, 2012 5:29 AM GMT
    I have lied before about my age, most as a joke since I look so damn young. I later found out that it can hurt people, a lie is a lie.
  • Onemoresummer

    Posts: 106

    Dec 18, 2012 5:30 AM GMT
    I've said Im a couple years younger on Grindr etc but 10...jesus what is the name of his surgeon? ;)
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    Dec 18, 2012 5:30 AM GMT
    A lot of older guys insecure about their age like to say it's no big deal especially if they happen to look young for their age. Then some like to say everyone does it and that one day you'll do the same when you reach their age. I definitely don't buy that BS. The way I see it, if a guy is lying about something as trivial as his age, what else could he be lying about?
  • Angelix90

    Posts: 267

    Dec 18, 2012 5:32 AM GMT
    Onemoresummer saidI've said Im a couple years younger on Grindr etc but 10...jesus what is the name of his surgeon? ;)


    Asian has a way with genetics. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Dec 18, 2012 5:34 AM GMT
    Angelix90 said
    Erik101 saidHow did you discover that he is 10 years older?

    I value trust more than anything when it comes to a relationship. My partner and I completely trust each other and we don't hold anything back. Given that we don't know the specific details on your discovery, I would suggest talking to him and explain to him that age doesn't bother you but lying does. If he lied to you about his age, what else could he be lying about?


    We are planning a trip to overseas and naturally I need his passport. I know where he stores his documents so it didn't take me long to find out.

    He's a wonderful guy. He's sexy, intelligent, caring and financially stable. Although I mentioned age is not a problem but 20 years is a bit daunting to me. He's around my dad's age and imagine the look on his face if I ever bring my boyfriend to meet him.

    I hate the lying too but I just don't know how to approach it delicately.


    I'm sorry to say this but there is no delicate way to approach your issue other than to confront him. That's not to say that you should confront him with boxing gloves but instead, confront him with sincerity and understanding. You need to tell him your thoughts about lying and the age difference. Afterwards, both of you need to make a decision on what to do with your relationship. If it means ending the relationship because of your dad's lack of approval, then so be it. But remember this, in the end, whose approval do you need? Your dad or yourself?
  • Angelix90

    Posts: 267

    Dec 18, 2012 5:38 AM GMT
    nicodegallo saidA lot of older guys insecure about their age like to say it's no big deal especially if they happen to look young for their age. Then some like to say everyone does it and that one day you'll do the same when you reach their age. I definitely don't buy that BS. The way I see it, if a guy is lying about something as trivial as his age, what else could he be lying about?


    My bf loves young guys. I think by lowering his age, his chances of getting to know one drastically increases. Of course, it's still not an excuse to lie but I know where is he coming from. He's very insecure about his age that's for sure.

    We have been together for quite a while so basically we know each other inside out except for the age part.
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    Dec 18, 2012 5:38 AM GMT
    NEXT! --->icon_razz.gif

    well you could approach/ask him directly....on the next 'horny' time, anything right after sex is the best time to ask. Spiritually and mentally everything will be transparent, that's the closest point on seeing his honesty.

    well I never like people who are so concern with their age, and tell me what age are we living in? a person should be proud of their age and should never be afraid of it.

    I honestly respect/lookup to those who embrace their age even stereotypical finds it stressful being reality to it. Well numbers are there its just significator of maths, love has nothing to do with it!

    Be open! I don't see it in your case as what you claim.

    icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 18, 2012 5:39 AM GMT
    Had I posted this thread, my question would be: "Has anyone out there dated a liar? And what the hell am I doing still talking to the SOB?"
    Lying is an absolute deal-breaker. I would get outta there yesterday -- the next lie you discover might be one that has put you in real jeopardy (e.g., HIV status).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 18, 2012 5:44 AM GMT
    the age, Who gives a flying fuck? love is love. I would be pissed about the whole lying part at first...would you have dated him and found out what a great guy he is had you known the age gap? the lie got you where you are now, so this one you might be able to forgive him for? but if there is anything else he's been lying about, run. Run fast.
  • Angelix90

    Posts: 267

    Dec 18, 2012 5:47 AM GMT
    har19 saidNEXT! --->icon_razz.gif

    Be open! I don't see it in you case as what you claim.

    icon_wink.gif


    True. I didn't mind at all when he's 10 years older but suddenly I discovered it's actually 20 years more. I guess I also need to figure it out what I want. The new information really shocked me and to be honest I'm quite intimidated. It's suddenly very new to me to experience.

    I will talk to him when the time is appropriate and see how do we go from there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 18, 2012 5:57 AM GMT
    The age gap hasn't changed since you found out his real age, just your perception of the age gap changed.

    The real issue is that if he's been lying about his age for the past year, what else has he been lying about (or will lie about)?
    You should say something, unless you want to lie to him about knowing the truth.
    Maybe you could say something as simple as "I know." Or tell him he's running behind and has some birthday celebrations to catch up on.
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    Dec 18, 2012 6:03 AM GMT
    If age is sensitive topic for him, 'confrontation' is taking a gamble.

    If his birthday is close enough, I'd just get him a cake and buy those cheap candles for his actual age and wish him happy (actual age) birthday, with a smile and gentleness of course.

    Just spitting out an idea - but this is something that should be talked about, just to let him know there is nothing to be ashamed of.
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    Dec 18, 2012 6:05 AM GMT
    20 years is a HUGE difference. When you're 30, he'll be 50. Now, that's a bit of a difference. I'm not comfortable with that but maybe you are. It's not the difference of age that matters it's his intent. His intent was to deceive you. 100% unacceptable.

    You need to decide what's more important to you. Age is not even a factor at this point. It's a matter of a lying and telling the truth. However, he lied or didn't present the facts and is 20 years older. Woah. That's even hard for me to type. Not cool at all.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Dec 18, 2012 6:08 AM GMT
    it's not the lie but the fact he kept such a stupid one from you for so long...
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    Dec 18, 2012 6:09 AM GMT
    Hunkymonkey saidThis is important. You need to talk to him about this. I did not say confront. Talk. Confrontation will not be helpful.


    This^

    The fact he is 10 or 20 years older isn't a huge deal. The "little white lie" he told is a different issue. Gotta weed out if he's been withholding any other information It worries me that after a year he hasn't come clean. Have a TALK with him.
  • sportsguysd7

    Posts: 65

    Dec 18, 2012 6:20 AM GMT
    Had a similar thing happen to me with an ex, but only 3 years, not 10. As with you, the age was not the issue, but the lying. He was actually carrying on the charade with his whole group of friends and had a whole story to explain certain things that didn't make sense as he had things like his college diploma hanging up.

    In the end we got through it and were together 9 years. But in some ways it was a marker of issues being completely honest and open that led to problems down the road.