New Step Mom.... But I'm 33

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2012 3:31 PM GMT
    Ok, just trying to get some perspective on this....

    My dad and I have never had the best relationship (not the whole gay thing, just never really got along). Anyways, he divorced my mom a few years ago when he found out she had cancer. He was having multiple affairs and in all honesty it was the best thing that could have ever happened to my mom. She is now dating happy and mostly healthy.

    So my dad has been dating on again off again this much younger woman. If I can paint a picture for you... A WHORE.
    In my opinion she is a money grubbing skank. Always has something nasty or snarky to say about me or my sister, my friends or my mom. Totally passive aggressive. She has been married 3 times before, always doctors and always stays with them a few years and then poof, done and takes what she can.

    Yesterday my dad calls me and tells me he is looking for rings and is going to ask her to marry him.

    Now my dad and I talk maybe once every 3-4 weeks for like 5 minutes and its always cordial. I mean as much as I dont agree with his life choices, he is my dad and I respect him and am grateful that he brought me up in a somewhat loving family.

    How do I tell him that his girlfriend sucks and everyone hates her. Maybe she has nice tits, but they will sag eventually.... so do I just suck it up and let it run its course....

    I feel like im too old to care, but I dont want to see him get shat on, or i kind of do, but I dont know really what I want....
    Perspective please....
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 19, 2012 3:39 PM GMT
    Sounds like your Dad has always done whatever he wanted, without much regard for his family. You probably can't talk him out his new marriage. Maybe you could ask him to tell the bimbo to treat you and your sister better though....

    Glad to hear your mom is a survivor. Sounds like she's good person. icon_smile.gif


    P.S. 33 rocks!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 19, 2012 3:51 PM GMT
    Your father is old enough to be held responsible for his own actions, mistakes included. Engage him in a very frank conversation and tell him exactly how you feel about his girlfriend, and then move on. Some guys are simply too pigheaded or too self-centered to understand/consider the potential impact of their actions on them and the people they care about--they're going to do what they want to do regardless of the potential ramifications. Just hope that he realizes his folly before it's too late.
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    Dec 19, 2012 4:10 PM GMT
    My sister & I faced a similar thing with our Father, but when he was much older, right after our Mother died. My sister knew (but not me at the time) that he was cheating on his wife, our Mother, as she became infirm and mostly housebound. Once our Mother had passed he went wild, taking his trashy girlfriends (if you can call them that, almost all as old as him) to Vegas and on cruises, buying them lavish gifts, I think even helping one buy a house. Some old men just lose all sense of dignity and propriety.

    He was dipping into our late Mother's estate, which she had intended for us, our inheritance, but over which he had legal control, due to an oversight on her part. We talked about our legal options, if he could be declared incompetent, but decided to let it go. My sister & I were well-enough off (at least I was then), and it was his money, sort of, we didn't want an ugly scandal, and appear to be greedy.

    When he died we permitted his last girlfriend to ride in the funeral home limousine with us, as near-family. On the drive to the crypt she actually mentioned to me that our Father had bought 2 tickets for another upcoming cruise, and would I see if she could have one, so she could go alone. And that he had promised her a large sum of money upon his death.

    My sister & I were aghast. She asked me that in the goddam funeral procession, when we were going to bury our Father! I tried to handle it gracefully, neither the time nor place for an ugly scene, saying I would look into it. Well, his will didn't mention her, so she got zip from me (as the estate executor), and I simply refunded the tickets, due to an insurance travel policy he took against sickness or death.

    Your parents sometimes make bad choices. And when they still have their senses, you really have to let them, perhaps advise but not interfere. Even though my sister & I lost millions that way, I don't know if we would have done differently today.
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    Dec 19, 2012 4:19 PM GMT
    Based upon my very many years of watching a cousin in a similar situation, I can safely and thoughtfully and comprehensively advise you on what to say to your father about this: Nothing.
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    Dec 19, 2012 4:51 PM GMT
    I think if you asked Ann Landers (or whoever is Ann Landers these days) she would tell you to keep your opinions to yourself. Your dad gets to make his own mistakes, and where love/sex is involved, if he is not asking your opinion, you may alienate him by telling him that he should not do what he wants to do. I think the most you should really say, is are you really sure you want to get married now? (without mentioning the divorce queen's many attributes). And like Guynextdoor says, let him know that you don't appreciate the "nasty" way she talks to you, and could he please get her to tone that down?
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    Dec 19, 2012 5:02 PM GMT
    Everyone doesn't hate her, or why is she getting married 4 times in her (I'm guessing) twentysomething life.

    If you have to say anything, advise your father to get a prenup.
    Other than that it's not your place to say anything about it. Your father didn't ask your guidance or opinion; he merely shared because he wants you to be happy for him.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Dec 19, 2012 7:02 PM GMT
    Macaque said

    If you have to say anything, advise your father to get a prenup.
    Other than that it's not your place to say anything about it. Your father didn't ask your guidance or opinion; he merely shared because he wants you to be happy for him.

    Definitely second the pre-nup suggestion - that should be really important. You can tell him everyone gets them these days when marrying someone who has been married a couple times before (whether this actually true or not, it should be).
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    Dec 19, 2012 10:48 PM GMT
    I'm gonna say follow your heart here. But if you were in his situation, wouldn't you want someone to slap some sense in you?

    Just tell him how you honestly feel, but in the nicest way possible. If he wants to marry her, that's fine, but he needs to get a prenup. If he has that then at least his finances will be protected for the most part.

    And if she freaks with the prenup, she'll show her true colors to him, and then you will have at least done your part. Sometimes, that's all you can ever do.
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    Dec 20, 2012 12:12 AM GMT
    I think most people will tell you to just let your dad get married. First, you'll never like the woman that is marrying your dad (because it'll remind you of what happened with your mom). Second, no one likes hearing that the person they love is only with them for their money. Third, you'll gain absolutely nothing by confronting your father, but will likely deepen the divide between the two of you. I think you know what you have to do.
  • StevieB0402

    Posts: 159

    Jan 21, 2013 6:57 PM GMT
    As gay men, nobody understands better the difficulties of being in a relationship that does not have the approval of our loved ones. Does that stop us from dating men in an effort to find Mr. Right? Nope. We just continue to ask for acceptance and open minds regarding our romantic choices. Your father is old enough to make his own decisions, regardless of anybody else's perception of right or wrong. There may have been many times in your life he had to stand back and let you make your own mistakes because they were yours to make. I would speak to him calmly and rationally and make sure to include that you fully intend to respect his decision, but you have some reservations. Do not attack her. This will bring out the protector that lives in all men and he will stop listening to you so he can rally to her defense.

    As far as your relationship with step mommy dearest, I have a challenging in-law. Let's call her Lilith. Mostly I ignore her. Sometimes when she makes her little comments, I remind her that she is dangerously close to getting into a pissing contest with a dick. Still want to go there? She used to talk smack about my sister because Joss wouldn't stand up for herself. As a teenager, Joss was unsure of her boundaries. So I set them for her one Thanksgiving by telling Lilith if she made one more negative comment against my sister I was going to take her into the bathroom and wash her mouth out with soap. People bully you because they think you are afraid of them, or in this case your father, her defender. Deal with her head on and not through your father and she won't mess with you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2013 7:08 PM GMT
    My dad married a lady that no one really cared for when I was 25, because of her own actions, words and tones. Some says she is a bitch. He didn't realize this for almost a decade. He now feels like the red-headed stepchild of the family. He feels like my siblings have chosen my mother's side because of this and he is kind of right. However, my dad would not have done anything different even if he knew how his family thought, and not just his kids but also his brothers and sisters..

    sounds like you might be in a tough situation but I don't think you should do anything, just let him live his life and if he gets screwed over then it's on him and besides after what he did to your mom it sounds like he would deserve what he gets.. just my opinion.


    good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2013 7:08 PM GMT
    Your dad's love (or sex, or company, whatever) is his business, not yours. He has a lot of learning to do, obviously, but your job isn't to teach him, so hold your peace, take the high road, and stay silent on the matter.

    As for the step-mom-to-be and her habit of trash-talking, discuss it with her, not with your dad. You're old enough to ask for respect from her directly. Involving your dad is a last-ditch effort and will only drive a wedge between you and him.
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    Jan 21, 2013 7:11 PM GMT
    He is an adult and doesn't need your approval, nor does he seemed to have asked for it. Keep your trap shut.

    When she is disrespecrful to your, your sister, your friends, your mom, etc. you have every right to respectfully tell her you don't appreciate it. Then tell your father that if it continues he will have to see you without her present as you choose to not be in her presence.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2013 7:20 PM GMT
    let's face it, no matter what you say your dad is still going to do what he wants.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2013 7:24 PM GMT
    I'd say become a mama's boy if you haven't already since your mother seems a lot more worthwhile than your father.
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    Jan 21, 2013 7:30 PM GMT
    midwesternman saidlet's face it, no matter what you say your dad is still going to do what he wants.


    And that my friend is:

    THE POWER OF PUSSY!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2013 7:37 PM GMT
    First, never tell anyone something they already know. What about her other three marriages do you think you are going to be able to tell him?

    Second, all you have to say to him is "I hope you are happy."

    And remember, people rarely take advice when they ASK for it, so don't think anyone will listen to advice that is unsolicited. Your father didn't ask your advice.

    Don't many an enemy out of her either (but you are free to tell her -- her directly, not your father -- that you'll talk about anything in the world except her badmouthing your family.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2013 7:41 PM GMT
    I echo in agreement to what most of the fellas are saying. Tell him exactly whats on your mind but in the end, its your dads choice. By all means keep your interactions with his soon to be wife at a minimum.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jan 21, 2013 7:43 PM GMT
    this is why weddings have the "does anybody object clause" and why cameras have video function
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    Jan 21, 2013 7:50 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    midwesternman saidlet's face it, no matter what you say your dad is still going to do what he wants.


    And that my friend is:

    THE POWER OF PUSSY!



    IMMUNE TO THE PUSSY!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2013 8:01 PM GMT
    Trollileo saidI like this option.

    Who knew Trollileo had a darker side?!?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 21, 2013 8:11 PM GMT
    Go ahead and tell your dad how you feel...not to try to dissuade him from marrying her, but so that you can have the satisfaction of saying "I told you so" when they divorce and she takes his shit. icon_cool.gif

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    Jan 21, 2013 8:14 PM GMT
    I doubt that I can give good advice since I went through something very similar.

    That said, since the whore probably has her hooks deeply set, at least point out to your father that given her history a prenuptial agreement is a MINIMUM precaution. Also, remind him of what the tramp is doing to your sisters. If it results in a fight, you haven't lost much.
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    Jan 21, 2013 8:16 PM GMT
    My father left my mom for younger woman and had 2 kids with her. She never worked and was whore. She didn't love him an cheated on my father another man. My dad had stroke because he found out she lied about babysit job. The manager motel bring her purse at home and told my dad.He dead 2weeks later in the hospital. I went to the funeral and sat back in the church with my mom. I didn't want to know her and her sons. Today it's been 20 yrs of his passing. They wanted to meet me. I told them drop deadicon_evil.gif. I am not saying to change your mind to tell him about her past