Lost

  • jk2012

    Posts: 4

    Dec 22, 2012 6:43 PM GMT
    I've had 2 relationships so far, but I don't feel like I have been in love with either of them. Both times we have had some huge differences and with the second relationship, it seemed like I was the one that always wanted to keep it going, but he says that "he loves me".

    I have a few standards, like keep things clean... I don't like DVDs laying around the floor or clothes all over the couch cause on occasion, I like to sit there. I want a guy that wants to go somewhere... even if that means paying off his debts instead of drinking all the time. Oh. I don't drink. I'm sure that gets to him, but I even stepped out of my comfort bubble and said we should go to some place and he could have a glass of wine... which is what he seems to like. (I have my own issues with drinking and thankfully he seems to respect that to some degree which is one of the things I really like about him)

    I guess the issue is that he considers everything I do to be "bitchy", but I'm annoyed and I don't yell or whine at him until I stub my toe on one of his shoes or get so stressed from cleaning after his paperwork crumbs on the kitchen table that when I finally get to the bedroom and see more of it, I get irritated. I'm 83% masculine or in that area but I don't like to live in a dirty house! We do have differences too. I go to school and have aspirations of big(ish) things, and he has bills and bankruptcy, but has been working on it & I'm glad that he is. I feel like all things considered that I put in a pretty good effort, but sex is non existent in both relationships or next to. (I'm not in 2 relationships btw, I'm just saying that in both it has been nonexistent) They both told me "I don't know why I don't, I just don't want to". I've only seen porn on his phone once, but I only see it once every 3 months b/c he keeps a password on it. (This is not just about a dirty house LoL, I'm not that bad... it's the way I feel)

    What am I doing so wrong in these relationships? I'm not perfect by any means, but I'm tired of crying about these things. : I feel like I'm just a convenient roommate.

    Seriously, things are so cloudy right now, so don't yell at me please. If something above screams "he's a dick", maybe it's true, but maybe I just didn't type it right. I've never asked for "help" with anything like this.
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Dec 23, 2012 12:40 AM GMT
    It is one thing to date someone, another to live with them. I am messy until I have to share a space with someone. When I have roommates I keep my stuff and my area clean. Not everyone is the same and you have to learn to deal with it or find a solution. Whether the solution is making the problem go away or moving out.

    Plus you are 22. Probably don't want to hear it, but you still have some growing up to do. Even now that I am about to be 27, I still have some growing up to do, and firmly believe that no matter our age, we will always be learning something. Try to take away things from these relationships you had to better yourself for the future and the other guys you date.
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    Dec 23, 2012 12:51 AM GMT
    First off: welcome to RJ
    Second off: Nothing wrong with being a huge dick.

    I know your tired of hearing it, so I'll say it again: You are pretty young.
    "Two relationships" at your age is amazing in of itself.

    Personally there are hundreds (OK maybe 10s) of thing that piss me off about my man, but when he smiles at me, says my name, I'm hard fought to think of them.
    Dan Savage called them the "price of admission" (the shit your have to put up with to get the good stuff).
    Some can put up with more, some less. I couldn't, nor wouldn't put up with no sex. I've heard of relationships that somehow work this way, but if I didn't like his dick and lots of it, then I might as well be straight...Jesus, living with a woman--maybe not.
    If he starts bitching about the petty shit. I know it's because of something deeper going on. My thinking is you could live with the DVD's on the couch if you were getting sexed more often--works for me.
    Stop being the one that wants to keep it going. If you have compromised and communicated and nothing changes, add to your collection of red flags and move on.
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    Dec 23, 2012 2:06 AM GMT
    Your only 22 dont get caught up in this gay obsession to find the love of your life before 23.Find yourself some fun friends to hang with and some safe F88k buds.If you want to know what your flaws are you need to have good friends who can level with you.Ry
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    Dec 23, 2012 3:54 AM GMT
    I agree with WickedRyan about having good friends that will tell you what your flaws are, but I am going to take a different approach and say that the age thing is not an issue. So what if you are 22 and wanting to find a long-term relationship rather than f*ck buddies? You can still figure out who you are and grow that way. After all, you are the only person who really knows what you want.

    With that being said, two relationships (in my opinion) does not mean there is anything wrong with you. From the sounds of it, you just like to be orderly (as in clean, not bossy) and have things maintained. I'm not saying this is for all men, but from my experience, most who are the same age as you have not yet developed that trait and are not ready to commit to anything long term.
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    Dec 23, 2012 2:12 PM GMT
    Well jk....

    Why are you getting involved with men who don't desire you physically?


    I'm also wondering about house habits. It's a good idea to find out what a bf's habits are before moving in together. Adjusting to another person and accommodating them means clear headed honest negotiations on both sides before moving in together. There also should be a tremendous desire to make life a little nicer for one another.

    'I love you' does not necessarily mean, 'I'm in love with you' as well. The two are rather different, and we feel both are required.

    -Doug
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    Dec 23, 2012 2:14 PM GMT
    You are 22 so you will experience a lot more of this. It's important to figure out how much of this is you needing to be less annoyed by small things versus important values that define you.
  • DKnight

    Posts: 152

    Dec 24, 2012 12:37 AM GMT
    One of my friends also have the same situation as yours. She asked me few days ago, saying her bf always gose the way he wants and do the thing he likes. Completely they are working on different world. Anyway, the advice I gave her is only that if your bf can't be with his true heart, then leave. I find that ppl are easy confused "being with someone" with "love someone", so that that makes lots of questions. One of that is now what you meet.
    Love is two-way road, and not one-way. You give sth out and get sth in return!
    But I still wanna say, make a decision, still remaining this situation or utterly change it. Your man don't sth wrong, nether are you; you guys just dont match each other.
    Although I am just older than you by a year, but the guys above are right. The relationship we meet is not totally called real-one, but we still have much to learn. When you get older, then turning back to look at the situation you stick with, you will find it's nothing.
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    Dec 24, 2012 9:45 AM GMT
    You have a long way to go. If at 22 you have a "relationship" with a guy, but you're hardly having any sex, then you do not actually have a relationship. And if you are not "in love with" them, why were you living with them? WickedRyan is right - Get some good friends and a fuckbud or two, and cool it with the obsession for being in a "relationship."
  • jk2012

    Posts: 4

    Jan 03, 2013 6:48 AM GMT
    WickedRyan saidYour only 22 dont get caught up in this gay obsession to find the love of your life before 23.Find yourself some fun friends to hang with and some safe F88k buds.If you want to know what your flaws are you need to have good friends who can level with you.Ry


    Naw. I'm not the type to sleep around. I feel dirty and I really don't like it. Would be nice to have one guy to have sex w/ all the time though. I don't "party" or drink. icon_neutral.gif Ok. So when do boys become men? Are 20s not a good time for that? Sure there is room to learn, but I don't see why someone in their 20s can't hold a relationship anymore than someone in their 30s.
  • jk2012

    Posts: 4

    Jan 03, 2013 6:51 AM GMT
    meninlove saidWell jk....

    Why are you getting involved with men who don't desire you physically?


    I'm also wondering about house habits. It's a good idea to find out what a bf's habits are before moving in together. Adjusting to another person and accommodating them means clear headed honest negotiations on both sides before moving in together. There also should be a tremendous desire to make life a little nicer for one another.

    'I love you' does not necessarily mean, 'I'm in love with you' as well. The two are rather different, and we feel both are required.

    -Doug


    He cleaned. When I met him he put on this show. His house was clean, he did great things for me that were... thoughtful. LoL. =) But as time kept going and we ended up moving to another state together things kinda went downhill. You are right, but I don't use those three letters unless I mean it or really have feelings for someone. I'm pretty strict on it's usage, and sometimes I hear about it.
  • jk2012

    Posts: 4

    Jan 03, 2013 6:53 AM GMT
    Myol saidYou are 22 so you will experience a lot more of this. It's important to figure out how much of this is you needing to be less annoyed by small things versus important values that define you.


    "Small things"? LoL. I think cleaning up after someone for another x years is going to get old. So I wouldn't consider it a small thing. My important values are college and further educating myself and getting a job I want as well as a house. He's not stopping me at all from that.