Rejection / Termination of Acquaintance Etiquette

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2012 2:57 PM GMT
    This has been irking me a bit lately, even though I usually don't let this sort of thing bother me much.

    How do you go about terminating an acquaintance in a way that minimizes the hard feelings that are likely to result?

    A. Be an utter asshole and tell them bluntly to get lost and make sharply negative references to their looks, age, bad photos, bad sense of fashion, their waist size, or some combination of any of the above;

    B. State the facts politely that you're just not really interested in keeping the acquaintance going and wishing them well for the future;

    C. Ignore all attempts at communication in hopes that they are normal and will give up after getting the obvious hint.

    D. Lay on some very convincing cray-cray to truly scare them off (which is probably a last-ditch move since it has high potential to backfire and cause people to talk to others about how big of a nutter you've managed to appear to your target as).


    Here's the TL;DR as to how this has touched me recently.

    In two recent cases, the termination of acquaintances involved regular sex friends (or to be most accurate, "fuck buddies") with whom I had regular contact with.

    One case the guy tells me off after I contact him to get together to "stop bothering him with requests for sex as he now has a boyfriend"... (In fact, it was the first time I had initiated the contact to fuck him as he was usually the one calling or texting me to come over).

    While I bristled at this and probably rebuked him for (what I perceived as) being especially cunty, I'm long since having him deleted from my contact lists and am over the matter.

    In another case, two guys who I have played with (separately and then together once after they became romantically involved) have simply stopped responding to any text or call I've made, which were not at all geared toward sexual activity (they made it more or less clear that they were closing what had been initially an open relationship).

    I may make a third attempt in the space of a month just for principle and my own sense of courtesy's sake, but if that gets ignored, I'll take the hint that they simply no longer want me to contact them and I'll strike them from my contact lists.

    The thing that is different about this second case from the first is in the first case, the boy was very direct, and made his point most effectively (if rather rudely).

    I got over it.

    The second case, I had been fuckbuddies and perhaps had evolved into a FWB situation with one, and the beginnings of a romantic interest with the other guy. The other guy (a very hot Latino boy with one of the best asses I've ever fucked) certainly had given the appearance of a romantic interest in me, but as I'm a bit gun-shy on moving too fast into a relationship, he then latched on to the FWB guy above *on the second time* we all came together.

    There was some significant drama as a result, as FWB guy was in an open relationship already coming apart at the seams; the Hot Latino Boy (HLB) moved in a week after meeting FWB guy (and FWB's now ex'ed BF being shuffled to the curb).

    I've had dinner twice FWB guy and HLB since then (and with the sexual dynamic having been closed off due to much awkwardness), I haven't heard a peep from either of them since FWB texted me a happy birthday message about a month ago.

    I've seen HLB lurking once on grindr (which of course we all know purely to be a chat and dating and not a hookup app, righhhhht...?) since then, have sent them each a Christmas text and a "hey let's hang out and have dinner some time" text.

    In some respect, the ambiguity of being ignored can seem more hurtful than just being flat-out told to "get lost!".

    And it may not merely be a case of them ignoring me, as they might just be very busy with family and holiday events, and replying to the social blah-blahs from some former fuckbuddy that has very sporadic contact with them is probably far off their social radar. Yet even a quick reply along the lines of "hey we're very busy now, but let's talk after the holidays", or even a blunt "don't bother us anymore, loser" would at least let me know where I stand.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 26, 2012 3:05 PM GMT
    Sounds like you could use some new fuck buddies.icon_twisted.gif
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    Dec 26, 2012 3:09 PM GMT
    C. Ignore all attempts at communication in hopes that they are normal and will give up after getting the obvious hint.

    I was wondering why I hadn't seen you post much in the past couple months.
    Hope all is well with you aside from the above kind of stuff.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2012 3:40 PM GMT
    hook ups and fuck buddies - and you expect what? perhaps a letter engraved on gold lined paper? icon_rolleyes.gif

    you are a trip icon_rolleyes.gif
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Dec 26, 2012 4:31 PM GMT
    I've encountered some of your situations in the past. Listen, get these assholes out of your system and move on. Gay men can be unbelievable cruel to each other when they want to be. Write them off as selfish douches and carry on.
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    Dec 26, 2012 5:54 PM GMT
    I will use B icon_smile.gif
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    Dec 26, 2012 5:55 PM GMT
    BuddyinNYC saidC. Ignore all attempts at communication in hopes that they are normal and will give up after getting the obvious hint.

    I was wondering why I hadn't seen you post much in the past couple months.
    Hope all is well with you aside from the above kind of stuff.


    This. Just politely decline, ignore, and delete from your contacts. If you have an Android phone, use the "BlackList" app, and whenever somebody on the blacklist attempts to call or text, their messages either go to a "fast busy signal" or just go into a "dump bucket".

    That's just the nature of acquaintances especially if they are FB/FWB's. Its all about the sex, and rarely about actually developing a friendship which survives beyond the termination of sex.

    Although, I've had a few FB/FWB's who I have maintained real friendships with after the sex stopped.

    When in doubt, take the high road and be "a gentleman in the streets, a freak in the sheets".

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Dec 26, 2012 5:57 PM GMT
    My recommendation is that you react in a reasonable and mature way, you never know when you might run across them in the future and "burning bridges" isn't helpful.

    My approach is to typically kind of ignore the other party and hope they go away.. if they don't, I resort to "B" and tell them how it is, but politely.
    Some of the rest aren't warranted unless they become a stalker or don't respect my privacy.

    If I were to ever contact somebody (with me taking the initiative) and I were ignored, I sincerely doubt if I would ever contact them again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2012 6:01 PM GMT
    A. Be an utter asshole and tell them bluntly to get lost and make sharply negative references to their looks, age, bad photos, bad sense of fashion, their waist size, or some combination of any of the above;
    Do not and will not. Thats just plain mean.

    B. State the facts politely that you're just not really interested in keeping the acquaintance going and wishing them well for the future;

    This is what I do. I've only done it twice though. One for someone who wanted a fuck buddy (we hooked up once) and the other there was more but I simply couldn't bring myself to be with him since we were a little TOO similar.

    C. Ignore all attempts at communication in hopes that they are normal and will give up after getting the obvious hint.
    Cowards way out. This is how guys usually handle me. I think it's a terrible thing to do and you're essentially stringing them along because you're a fucking coward. But in some cases, it depends on the circumstances. If you met the guy once, I'm more partial. If at any point in you and another guys conversation you say anything like "I really like you" then this option should be closed.

    D. Lay on some very convincing cray-cray to truly scare them off (which is probably a last-ditch move since it has high potential to backfire and cause people to talk to others about how big of a nutter you've managed to appear to your target as).
    I really don't have an opinion on this. You might as well do B if you're going to put that much effort into it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2012 6:13 PM GMT
    First B then C

    If your multiple attempts at communication are being ignored its time to move on, but if you feel that the lack of response is due to the busy social life of your fuck buddy then your last message should be one in which you state that you understand that they are too busy to respond and that you will bother them no further. If that doesn't ellicit a response then MOVE ON. Obviously you have been replaced.

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    Dec 26, 2012 6:45 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidFirst B then C

    If your multiple attempts at communication are being ignored its time to move on, but if you feel that the lack of response is due to the busy social life of your fuck buddy then your last message should be one in which you state that you understand that they are too busy to respond and that you will bother them no further. If that doesn't ellicit a response then MOVE ON. Obviously you have been replaced.



    This is probably what is happening, and likely the most mature way to handle it.

    I'm not going to shed any tears over these boys on that HLB was as I said, a stupendously hot and awesome bottom - but also showed the signs of being a very (emotionally) high maintenance guy.

    FWB has otherwise just shown himself to be an awesome guy who had opened up his home and along with his ex, showed me a great deal of hospitality, friendship, and of course, lots of hot sex.

    No lie, I'm very happy for FWB and HLB in that they sort of complement each other in many ways that I simply could not do for HLB (things like a bit of an age/experience gap, income gap, and probably a few other things on my part that I am not ready to address with regards to having a long term relationship).

    That is to say nothing of HLB being there for FWB in ways that his ex was failing at.

    I tend to be emotionally self-sufficient and seldom open up to guys I know on a casual basis, but I guess I've let myself dwell on the good times I had with them without considering that they've been together as a closed couple for nearly as long as I've known them before I introduced them to each other.
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    Dec 26, 2012 7:32 PM GMT
    PR_GMR saidI've encountered some of your situations in the past. Listen, get these assholes out of your system and move on. Gay men can be unbelievable cruel to each other when they want to be. Write them off as selfish douches and carry on.


    How are they being assholes or selfish douches in any way above and beyond the reality of the situation, which is one in which all parties involved are/were making use of each other's bodies for mutual sensory stimulation?

    What exactly is owed to someone whose only interest in you centers around your anal opening?

    I mean I was raised to be cordially polite to everyone, even people I strongly dislike, so I'm not saying treat them like dirt. But "I sometimes borrow your rectum for a couple hours when I need to get off and your location is convenient for me" isn't exactly a situation where Emily Post has any sway.
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    Dec 26, 2012 7:38 PM GMT
    Go with C. Even though you are angry now you will most likely get over it soon. No need to be an asshole and make an enemy over something so petty. You never know when you might run into then again.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 26, 2012 7:40 PM GMT
    Etiquette? On RJ? You do realized that these expectations are limited to only certain RJ transactions, and are otherwise irrelevant when applied to other aspects of this site. But you can Police me all you want.
    I'm ready. icon_twisted.gif
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    Dec 26, 2012 8:18 PM GMT
    I would just go with B because it's rude to just blow someone off and not say anything to them. Just explain to the person in courteous manner that you want nothing to do with them. icon_lol.gif
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    Dec 27, 2012 5:14 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidGo with C. Even though you are angry now you will most likely get over it soon. No need to be an asshole and make an enemy over something so petty. You never know when you might run into then again.



    Exactly. So why go with C? Wouldn't C make things a little bit...awkward? icon_confused.gif
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    Dec 27, 2012 5:30 AM GMT
    Living in one of the most flakiest cities on the West Coast I found that it's always better to say the truth. And while it may hurt them at first, you will always be respected as being the adult being able to say 'I'm sorry but this isn't working anymore' rather than being the douche that just disappears and isn't able to face reality. At least in my experience, everyone that I was honest to came around with time and said, thanks that was actually the right thing to do. In turn, I don't respect those people any more that were not capable of saying the truth.
  • MarvelClimber

    Posts: 511

    Dec 27, 2012 6:04 AM GMT
    GermanSF saidLiving in one of the most flakiest cities on the West Coast I found that it's always better to say the truth. And while it may hurt them at first, you will always be respected as being the adult being able to say 'I'm sorry but this isn't working anymore' rather than being the douche that just disappears and isn't able to face reality. At least in my experience, everyone that I was honest to came around with time and said, thanks that was actually the right thing to do. In turn, I don't respect those people any more that were not capable of saying the truth.


    I tend to call people out on bs after giving them the benefit of the doubt. Many times, these guys come back to me when their situation has changed. In your case, if great sex and casual conversation is all you want, then wish them well. If their relationship opens up or crashes, they'll remember you. No need to burn bridges.

    On the flip-side, I'm come to realize that some guys don't appreciate this directness. Guys like this don't take responsibility for their actions and put the burden of communication on others. So, rather than them cutting ties, they leave you in a state of not knowing whether to reach out or stop communicating altogether. You mind as well do what feels comfortable for you...politely getting closure. Even the best ass can be bested; you'll always have another banging down your door icon_smile.gif