For those WHO ARE IN open relationships...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 27, 2012 5:20 PM GMT
    If your current boyfriend/husband decided that they only wanted to have sex with you and wanted the relationship to be closed, could you go back to being monogamous permanently? This is a no judgement/bashing thread please, only for guys who have been in or are in open relationships.

  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 27, 2012 5:59 PM GMT
    I would think you both have to want it, but it all depends. Sometimes you can find ways to compromise.
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    Dec 27, 2012 7:21 PM GMT
    Sure. I define open relationship as "non-bullshit" relationship. See, what I have either experienced or witnessed in 97% of all relationships (mine and every friend I have ever had) is that everyone cheated sexually. So, what we did, my LTR and I, is we just went into this by saying we prefer complete monogamy, but let's try reality, if one of us wants to mess around, or we both want to have a 3 some, or some hot thing stops by with a UPS package or something, we do what we want and then we TELL the other about it because we are OPEN about what is going on in our lives.

    How has that worked? Perfectly, thank you.

    Would we close it, completely? Thus setting ourselves up for that, "who was that text from?" sort of nonsense? No. Want to know why? Since we have had this completely open and honest relationship, neither of us have felt the need to act on it. Funny how that works out.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Dec 27, 2012 7:30 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidSure. I define open relationship as "non-bullshit" relationship. See, what I have either experienced or witnessed in 97% of all relationships (mine and every friend I have ever had) is that everyone cheated sexually. So, what we did, my LTR and I, is we just went into this by saying we prefer complete monogamy, but let's try reality, if one of us wants to mess around, or we both want to have a 3 some, or some hot thing stops by with a UPS package or something, we do what we want and then we TELL the other about it because we are OPEN about what is going on in our lives.

    How has that worked? Perfectly, thank you.

    Would we close it, completely? Thus setting ourselves up for that, "who was that text from?" sort of nonsense? No. Want to know why? Since we have had this completely open and honest relationship, neither of us have felt the need to act on it. Funny how that works out.


    Would that change if I threw myself at you???icon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gificon_twisted.gif
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    Dec 27, 2012 7:40 PM GMT
    Well open relationship for me is a formal saying of never contented to be honest to a person. It's like you want that person but you are looking for more like different types of burgers in a single menu to satisfy pleasures... lust indeed. I guess it should be name open relationships instead of singular... I wonder if it should be called relationship at all since a person is open for everyone like a park for public viewing.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Dec 27, 2012 7:50 PM GMT
    my_cactus_HEART saidWell open relationship for me is a formal saying of never contented to be honest to a person. It's like you want that person but you are looking for much... lust indeed.
    Rethink it...If you go in both agreeing to this type of relationship...YOU'RE BEING HONEST TO EACH OTHER....Rather than bein shifty and goin behind your partners back...You have an understanding....I learned long ago not to judge how others live their lives...When you point in judgement...look down... cause 4 fingers are pointing back at ....YOU.
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    Dec 27, 2012 8:05 PM GMT
    mybud said
    my_cactus_HEART saidWell open relationship for me is a formal saying of never contented to be honest to a person. It's like you want that person but you are looking for much... lust indeed.
    Rethink it...If you go in both agreeing to this type of relationship...YOU'RE BEING HONEST TO EACH OTHER....Rather than bein shifty and goin behind your partners back...You have an understanding....I learned long ago not to judge how others live their lives...When you point in judgement...look down... cause 4 fingers are pointing back at ....YOU.


    Okay if that is what you want then play with each other... if honesty for you is to find another person/s then let us just say honesty in an ironic way. Oh let us just say honesty in a way not commited to each other... honesty indeed pulling away its essence. Don't worry, I don't judge but monogamous relationship would always be honest for me. If you play then find a playmate but if you love then find a lover... as simple as that and no pointing of fingers, so proud that I wont treat my body as a park for public viewing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 27, 2012 8:07 PM GMT
    My ex and I used to have threesomes.. whether or not he fucked anyone on the side wasn't really a big deal to me... Why? because I was the one who was always there for him, and yes, he was there for me.. It's the emotional bond, for me. To just "fuck" or mess around with someone isn't a big deal IF there's no jealousy... I never had the urge to do such a thing.. but again, it was clear that I didn't mind if he did so, as long as it wasn't in my/our bed. If he decided to "close" the relationship i.e., not threesomes, I'd have been fine with that, also.. as I did that (threesomes) mostly for him... with GREAT reluctance (mmmmm hmmm)...icon_rolleyes.gif
    I prefer monogamy but, I can't say "never" because one never knows what type of glue or tape may be needed to save a relationship; especially if deep love is involved..
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Dec 27, 2012 8:46 PM GMT
    my_cactus_HEART said
    mybud said
    my_cactus_HEART saidWell open relationship for me is a formal saying of never contented to be honest to a person. It's like you want that person but you are looking for much... lust indeed.
    Rethink it...If you go in both agreeing to this type of relationship...YOU'RE BEING HONEST TO EACH OTHER....Rather than bein shifty and goin behind your partners back...You have an understanding....I learned long ago not to judge how others live their lives...When you point in judgement...look down... cause 4 fingers are pointing back at ....YOU.


    Okay if that is what you want then play with each other... if honesty for you is to find another person/s then let us just say honesty in an ironic way. Oh let us just say honesty in a way not commited to each other... honesty indeed pulling away its essence. Don't worry, I don't judge but monogamous relationship would always be honest for me. If you play then find a playmate but if you love then find a lover... as simple as that and no pointing of fingers, so proud that I wont treat my body as a park for public viewing.
    Personally...I'd never be in an open relationship...I feel I deserve their total attention and respect...I just don't judge others....ever...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 27, 2012 8:52 PM GMT
    The OP asked a question which few are answering - instead we're going back to the normal "open relationships" flame war.

    The answer is, yes. It doesn't work unless everyone's on board and everything's above board.

    my_cactus_HEART saidas simple as that


    Lol, things are rarely "as simple as that" when maintaining a long-term relationship, monogamous or otherwise.

    So many boys seem like they watched too many Disney princess movies as a kid. Maybe they should have watched some Scorcese for counterbalance. icon_wink.gif
  • theatre_geek

    Posts: 35

    Dec 27, 2012 8:54 PM GMT
    my_cactus_HEART said
    mybud said
    my_cactus_HEART saidWell open relationship for me is a formal saying of never contented to be honest to a person. It's like you want that person but you are looking for much... lust indeed.
    Rethink it...If you go in both agreeing to this type of relationship...YOU'RE BEING HONEST TO EACH OTHER....Rather than bein shifty and goin behind your partners back...You have an understanding....I learned long ago not to judge how others live their lives...When you point in judgement...look down... cause 4 fingers are pointing back at ....YOU.


    Okay if that is what you want then play with each other... if honesty for you is to find another person/s then let us just say honesty in an ironic way. Oh let us just say honesty in a way not commited to each other... honesty indeed pulling away its essence. Don't worry, I don't judge but monogamous relationship would always be honest for me. If you play then find a playmate but if you love then find a lover... as simple as that and no pointing of fingers, so proud that I wont treat my body as a park for public viewing.


    I'm pretty sure this is you judging.

  • theatre_geek

    Posts: 35

    Dec 27, 2012 8:57 PM GMT
    The decision to open up a relationship has to be consensual to work, and once that happens, the decision to close it needs to be consensual too. One partner can certainly try to close it, but if the other partner doesn't want to, this will probably be the end of the relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 27, 2012 8:59 PM GMT
    For the guy that said open relationships are relationships without honesty, I would have to disagree. Every relationship is different and needs communication and trust for it to work, open relationship or otherwise. Many open relationships are transparent and truthful, albeit different sexual partners. You do have to consider that they have boundaries like other relationships.

    For the OP, open relationships are started through mutual agreement, both with equal desire to meet their sexual needs. I do not see a problem closing it if both parties are on the same mind frame.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Dec 27, 2012 9:41 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidSure. I define open relationship as "non-bullshit" relationship. See, what I have either experienced or witnessed in 97% of all relationships (mine and every friend I have ever had) is that everyone cheated sexually. So, what we did, my LTR and I, is we just went into this by saying we prefer complete monogamy, but let's try reality, if one of us wants to mess around, or we both want to have a 3 some, or some hot thing stops by with a UPS package or something, we do what we want and then we TELL the other about it because we are OPEN about what is going on in our lives.

    How has that worked? Perfectly, thank you.

    Would we close it, completely? Thus setting ourselves up for that, "who was that text from?" sort of nonsense? No. Want to know why? Since we have had this completely open and honest relationship, neither of us have felt the need to act on it. Funny how that works out.


    Thank goodness you are ONLY speaking for 97% of all the relationships that YOU and and all "YOUR FRIENDS" ever had! As per the other 3% I am sure they (me included) also feel that being totally committed to our lovers is based a "non-bullshit" relationship, believe me!! And you are wrong, not every man cheats sexually when in a relationship. Some of us strongly and sincerely honor being exclusive and loyal to our sexual partners, I just want to clear your misconception/generalization that "everyone cheats sexually. NOT TRUE!! I just wanted to put that out there!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 27, 2012 11:22 PM GMT
    showme saidThe OP asked a question which few are answering - instead we're going back to the normal "open relationships" flame war.

    The answer is, yes. It doesn't work unless everyone's on board and everything's above board.

    my_cactus_HEART saidas simple as that


    Lol, things are rarely "as simple as that" when maintaining a long-term relationship, monogamous or otherwise.

    So many boys seem like they watched too many Disney princess movies as a kid. Maybe they should have watched some Scorcese for counterbalance. icon_wink.gif


    Thanks Showme. There are more guys in "open relationships" than any other status on here so I'm really curious about how they work, NOT WHETHER OR NOT YOU BELIEVE THEY WOULD WORK.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Dec 28, 2012 1:31 AM GMT
    smartmoney saidSure. I define open relationship as "non-bullshit" relationship. See, what I have either experienced or witnessed in 97% of all relationships (mine and every friend I have ever had) is that everyone cheated sexually. So, what we did, my LTR and I, is we just went into this by saying we prefer complete monogamy, but let's try reality, if one of us wants to mess around, or we both want to have a 3 some, or some hot thing stops by with a UPS package or something, we do what we want and then we TELL the other about it because we are OPEN about what is going on in our lives.

    How has that worked? Perfectly, thank you.

    Would we close it, completely? Thus setting ourselves up for that, "who was that text from?" sort of nonsense? No. Want to know why? Since we have had this completely open and honest relationship, neither of us have felt the need to act on it. Funny how that works out.


    what if i pretend to have a package for you?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 28, 2012 6:13 PM GMT
    Very very tough proposition...Once you had the ability very difficult to return to monogamy NOTWITHSTANDING how much you love the guy. Sex is sex and love is different. Always remember there is a difference!
  • Shinobi1985

    Posts: 3

    Jan 03, 2013 12:06 AM GMT
    I know I couldn't go back to monogamy.

    Neither could my wife or boyfriend (who has two other bfs besides me). Being monogamous with my wife, who was at the time my fiance, was driving me insane, I couldn't take just not being with guys, being Bi. So I came out to her, we talked it over/worked things out, and now I'm happily married to my wife along with having my bf, who my wife is good friends with and we all get along just fine. Open relationships aren't for everyone but they can work if you are committed to your partners and constantly communicating.

    If I hadn't come out to my wife, I would be cheating on her with guys in bathhouses and being miserable hiding it and eventually ending up divorcing her. I couldn't take that: I love her too much to do that to her and myself, and I would rather be in the loving relationship I have with both her and my boy than in a monogamous hell.

    But that's just me.

    The one draw back to this is that it makes it incredibly hard to date other guys. I'm still looking for the right guy to settle down with in an LTR, someone who will accept the fact that I have both my wife and my boy and can be cool with me having two bfs. Getting a date on here is easier said than done, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Eeventually I will find the right guy, it'll just take some time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2013 12:15 AM GMT
    I wouldn't be able to do monogamy in the first place, so this is a non-issue.

    However, I did do a monogamous relationship once. I remained honest for three years, at which time I cheated. Shortly after that, we broke up (he never found out - I just didn't wanna be monogamous anymore).

    To answer the question, if my mono boyfriend had opened the relationship for a time then closed it, no, I wouldn't have agreed to go back to being closed.
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    Jan 03, 2013 1:13 AM GMT
    Myol saidIs your current boyfriend/husband decided that they only wanted to have sex with you and wanted the relationship to be closed, could you go back to being monogamous permanently? This is a no judgement/bashing thread please, only for guys who have been in or are in open relationships.



    Speaking from experience (we were monogamous for the first 5 years and have been open for the last 7), I can honestly say that this scenario is very challenging. The question that really needs to be addressed is "why". What is happening in the relationship where all of the sudden one (or, more rarely, both) partner wants things closed again.

    If both partners simply feel that threeways have become a distraction or boring or whatever and this feeling is mutual, then returning to a monogamous state is quite simple. You just stop.

    However, when one partner wants things closed and the other feels differently, then a real heart to heart compromise is going to be needed. This is a very difficult conversation to have, but its absolutely necessary. If you cant trust that your partner will stick by the rules its only a matter of time before this destroys the relationship.

    My partner and I spent nearly a year discussing what was allowed and what wasn't and came to a set of rules which were mutually agreeable between the two of us. This was key to building the kind of trust that is needed for an open relationship to survive.

    The other key element, for us at least, is to be able to separate the idea of of love from sex. For some people, especially those who have not been in very long term relationships, this concept can feel like an anathema. This is not a bad thing. For most relationships to last, there should be a period of total monogamy, to really get to know one another and build that bond and that trust that will get you though the challenging times when outside temptations creep into the mix.

    Finally, I think gay couples need to learn to make their own rules and stop comparing the dynamics of their relationship to others. You aren't your parents, you aren't your friends, and their relationship rules don't have to be your rules. The only ones in the relationship are you and your boyfriend and whatever arrangement you come to that works for both of you, that's the best arrangement you can have.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2013 1:42 AM GMT
    In any good relationship communication works. So a desire to change from open to monogamous (or vice versa) doesn't fall from the sky and has probably been discussed at length before. When both guys agree on what they mean by monogamous and are comfy with the decision, why not.

    It will never happen in our relationship, though.
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    Jan 03, 2013 2:23 AM GMT
    I think it's really true that people want what they can't have. Since my bf and I were honest with each other and admitted that we wanted the freedom to do whatever we wanted without feeling guilty about it, we completely stopped having the desire to see other people. Taking that away would be like taking away some aspect of someone's freedom, especially since it has never done any damage in any way to our relationship. But if we broke up and I got in a new relationship, I would definitely be ok with it being monogamous. I think relationships take time to mature and develop trust before both partners are secure enough to open it up. I have to be honest, I think that someone who is completely incapable of even considering an open relationship is probably, at least subconsciously, a little bit possessive and/or jealous. But of course (and I'm really annoyed that I have to say this, otherwise someone might throw the g word around), that is my opinion, and an exception most likely exists. Look at it this way, if you're at the point of your relationship where you know your bf will always love you and he has shown you over and over again that he wants you to always be in his life, what do you have to worry about if he does something with someone else? I can't think of a reason besides that you are jealous, or you think that he has somehow been disloyal. But if he still loves you, is that really infidelity? In my opinion I do not think so, he is just not behaving like your possession.

    What is really the best test of a relationship is your boyfriend always coming back to you when he has the option of anyone. If your boyfriend finds someone who is more compatible with him than you, keeping him in an monogamous relationship probably isn't going to stop him from pursuing that. And if he does stay with you, it's only going to cause resentment, or leaving him always wondering what his life could be like if he was with who he really wanted. At least with an open relationship you know your partner is completely happy with you and your arrangement and you don't have to constantly obsess about whether or not he's looking at someone else but you. And if he finds someone who works better for him, it's probably for the best, for him at least, which is really what should matter to you.

    Alright, now bring on the hate.
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    Jan 03, 2013 2:28 AM GMT
    Well said Skittles - hope that you and R are well icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 03, 2013 2:37 AM GMT
    ozgreenguy saidWell said Skittles - hope that you and R are well icon_smile.gif


    Well thanks, we're doing great! But you need to be more abrasive. Like tell me I'm a judgmental ass who is incapable of commitment.
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    Jan 03, 2013 2:39 AM GMT
    SkittleGangsta saidI think it's really true that people want what they can't have. Since my bf and I were honest with each other and admitted that we wanted the freedom to do whatever we wanted without feeling guilty about it, we completely stopped having the desire to see other people. Taking that away would be like taking away some aspect of someone's freedom, especially since it has never done any damage in any way to our relationship. But if we broke up and I got in a new relationship, I would definitely be ok with it being monogamous. I think relationships take time to mature and develop trust before both partners are secure enough to open it up. I have to be honest, I think that someone who is completely incapable of even considering an open relationship is probably, at least subconsciously, a little bit possessive and/or jealous. But of course (and I'm really annoyed that I have to say this, otherwise someone might throw the g word around), that is my opinion, and an exception most likely exists. Look at it this way, if you're at the point of your relationship where you know your bf will always love you and he has shown you over and over again that he wants you to always be in his life, what do you have to worry about if he does something with someone else? I can't think of a reason besides that you are jealous, or you think that he has somehow been disloyal. But if he still loves you, is that really infidelity? In my opinion I do not think so, he is just not behaving like your possession.

    What is really the best test of a relationship is your boyfriend always coming back to you when he has the option of anyone. If your boyfriend finds someone who is more compatible with him than you, keeping him in an monogamous relationship probably isn't going to stop him from pursuing that. And if he does stay with you, it's only going to cause resentment, or leaving him always wondering what his life could be like if he was with who he really wanted. At least with an open relationship you know your partner is completely happy with you and your arrangement and you don't have to constantly obsess about whether or not he's looking at someone else but you. And if he finds someone who works better for him, it's probably for the best, for him at least, which is really what should matter to you.

    Alright, now bring on the hate.


    Wow. This was pretty insightful.