Am I losing it?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Dec 30, 2012 5:57 AM GMT
    I have been seeing one guy from about 2 years (and the only person I genuinely felt in love with till date). This all began when I started to work in same company as his. I always had hidden feelings for him and would pray if only I could express it to him. I believe god was kind enough to kindle same on his heart too. We spoke,we met over lunch/dinner, One night he came to my house and he wanted to know all about me. I poured my heart to him and kept crying (May be in another posts on loneliness in my life). This is when he kissed me, we slept together holding hands side by side. And it was not sexual in any way.
    The morning after he told me that he saw loneliness in my eyes and wanted lift my enthusiasm. And I was begging him to marry me. Soon after he left for his house.

    This is when our love story started. He was and is very family oriented person and can never leave his parents for any one and we know that ours parents would never accept this relation. They only know us as good friends.

    I was becoming more and more obsessed about him. There was hardly any time when I could focus on work and not think of him. We would meet at least once a week at my home and sleep together holding hands tight. I know he loved me as much as I loved him but his first priority has been his family.

    There have been at least two instances in past when he wanted me to move on and get married. But we came back to each other. He says this to me some time even now a days, and I guess in jest.

    If there has been ever any love in my life then it is because of him. And both of us have been completely monogamic in this relation. I have never forced him for any thing and so did he. Though I always wished if only I could hold his hand and go to dreams every single night.

    A few months ago his dad passed away and since then our in person meets have drastically reduced. He wants to spends more time with his mom. We are always in touch via phone. From past 6 months we have not spent a night together though we managed to meet day time, at times. This is when he asked me once again to move on in my life but I was not ready to give up on him so easily.

    But of late my mind is filled with more and more dilemma. I am afraid if under family needs he would leave me tomorrow. But at the same time I can never ask him to leave his family and stay with me. I can never ask him to do any thing against his wish. When I see other couples on RJ, I wish if only we could lead same life.

    I don't know where are relation is heading to and I don't know what and who I should ask

    Thanks for Reading.
  • reptile18

    Posts: 199

    Dec 30, 2012 6:03 AM GMT
    K3umar saidThis is when he asked me once again to move on in my life but I was not ready to give up on him so easily.
    ...
    But of late my mind is filled with more and more dilemma. I am afraid if under family needs he would leave me tomorrow.


    Does this mean he already broke it off? How can he leave you for family needs if you're not together anymore? icon_confused.gif
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    Dec 30, 2012 6:06 AM GMT
    [quote]
    Does this mean he already broke it off? How can he leave you for family needs if you're not together anymore? icon_confused.gif[/quote]

    No, absolutely not. We yet see each other when ever we can.
  • reptile18

    Posts: 199

    Dec 30, 2012 6:20 AM GMT
    How many times has he tried to break it off and get you to move on?
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    Dec 30, 2012 8:21 AM GMT
    Two years, and no sex - only hand holding? What kind of "relationship is this?" Do you know other Indian men who are gay? Most of us in the west would have no idea what it is like to be gay in India. Are there even any gay men in India (or your region of India) who live together? What could the future hold for the two of you if you both wanted to have an ongoing "relationship"? Would you both have to get married to women, and carry on a secret relationship (or one possibly known to your wives) to avoid family scandal? Why does he have to spend so much time with his mother? Is he her only support? Can the two of you rent an apartment, even if you do not live there full time where you can go to be away from the prying eyes of the families? Lots of questions - but the answers would really not mean much to a westerner - it is for you to think about.
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    Dec 30, 2012 8:56 AM GMT
    reptile18 saidHow many times has he tried to break it off and get you to move on?


    Twice. and I genuinely felt that he only wanted some one to take care of me 24/7 hence wanted me to get married but I kept denying. I could not imagine life with out him
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    Dec 30, 2012 8:59 AM GMT
    Puppenjunge saidTwo years, and no sex - only hand holding? What kind of "relationship is this?" Do you know other Indian men who are gay? Most of us in the west would have no idea what it is like to be gay in India. Are there even any gay men in India (or your region of India) who live together? What could the future hold for the two of you if you both wanted to have an ongoing "relationship"? Would you both have to get married to women, and carry on a secret relationship (or one possibly known to your wives) to avoid family scandal? Why does he have to spend so much time with his mother? Is he her only support? Can the two of you rent an apartment, even if you do not live there full time where you can go to be away from the prying eyes of the families? Lots of questions - but the answers would really not mean much to a westerner - it is for you to think about.


    I think I need more time to respond to all of your questions even though it might not mean to a westener. None the less, I believe Idiosyncrasies of relations are almost same in all parts of world