The New Year's Break-up

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    Dec 31, 2012 3:49 PM GMT
    This weekend, I broke up with a closeted man that I liked very much. He admits to being gay but is severely uncomfortable with it. We had an "arrangement" that felt more like a relationship although he was very uncomfortable with the word "relationship". We broke up because I suggested that the two of us spend New Year's Eve together (at the same straight bar/dance club, not holding hands or anything). As soon as I said that, he decided to break everything off. He said it was getting too heavy for him. He's my age--38 years old--professional and very well educated. So the overreaction seemed rather immature.

    I realized he is very uncomfortable expressing his feelings or understanding love. He never understood that I wanted to be closer to him. And I never asked him to come out. If anything, I would have been patient and understanding.

    Now he's asking me to be friends. He even asked me to go out for drinks with him. So we spent 3 hours last night talking about everything but the relationship. At the end of the night, he says, "I love talking to you." But when I tried to bring up the break-up, he said he didn't want to discuss it. He repeated, "Things ended."

    It's very confusing. What are your thoughts? I don't mind being his friend--I think he needs someone to openly confide in. However, I will be moving on...
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    Dec 31, 2012 4:49 PM GMT
    It's scary when you're closeted when the notion of the 2 separate worlds colliding in is suggested.

    It sounds like he's more bother than he's worth. If you can bear to be friends with him, go for it, but don't shut out other opportunities for his sake.

    If you say no, he might be willing to compromise a little. Either way it's kind of a good thing.

    It's a new dawn, a new day, a new year, a new life for you. You should be feeling good!
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Dec 31, 2012 6:31 PM GMT
    Oh, boy! Talk about a fucked-up person. Not, you, OP. Your now ex. Do you really want to carry on a friendship with this head-case? He might never come out of the closet and live the rest of his life in this messed-up limbo. O say--New Year is around the corner. Move on.
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    Dec 31, 2012 6:35 PM GMT
    It's better for you. Why compromise what you want? I used to do that. Makes me feel a step above desperate. I'll compromise after I know & feel it will go somewhere. You need to make a list of deal breakers & stuck to it. Dating is like a multistep interview process.Might have potential but not the right one for the job & that's okay. So strange my view of dating now. I blame "Finding the boyfriend Within" by Brad Gooch... Great Read!
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    Dec 31, 2012 6:41 PM GMT
    Just a guess here but I'd say if you go back to this guy, you might as well get used to this kind of manipulation.

    As to remaining friends, I'd make a list of pros and cons of being friends with this guy, weigh if it will be healthy for you and decide accordingly. Be friends with him because it works for you, not just because he needs someone to be there for him on his terms.

    He's making his own choices here, and you have the right to do the same.
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    Dec 31, 2012 7:14 PM GMT
    He's 38 years old and that deeply stuck in the closet? Yikes, what a sad life he must lead. He is the poster boy for exactly how short life really is and when he realizes all those years hiding and shame filled, he will be hit with a load of guilt. I never get the closet cases.
    You would be so better off walking away. In fact, I'd seek some independent counseling just to figure out why you dealt with his drama in the first place. Whenever someone I know ends a relationship and then starts jawing at me about their former partners terrible qualities, my first response is, generally, "so why did you spend so many -days, weeks, months, years- with this terrible person?"
  • Machina

    Posts: 419

    Jan 01, 2013 1:55 AM GMT
    I know you might care for him a great deal, but you sir deserve better than an on the down low relationship with a duplicitous guy.

    It is New Years Eve, time for a fresh start!

    I would wipe my hands and walk away from this "relationship", if you could call it that..

    Good luck Marco! icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 01, 2013 2:01 AM GMT
    Fuck his lame ass
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jan 01, 2013 6:17 AM GMT
    Sorry for you that things did not work out. When I was reading about his not wanting to go out with you on NYE (because he might be seen with you?) I assumed you two were in Podunk, Iowa. But then to see that you are in NYC ??? How could there be a better city to be anonymous in than NYC?

    You "don't mind being his friend." Doesn't sound like you are excited at the prospect. I would not invest much time/energy in this "friendship." There will always be places you could not go together, because he would not want any one to suspect he is gay. He should confide in a shrink - or a better one if he is already seeing one. I hope you have other friends.
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Jan 01, 2013 6:56 AM GMT
    You are a caring person. You are soft and understanding to people's insecurities with being homosexual instead of just screaming at them that they need self-confidence like a lot of people would.

    You see men who need fixing up and your heart and eyes and soul light up when you meet closet cases because it's like you feel like you can show them somebody really cares and won't treat them harshly. As openly gay men can be self-confident, but lack a softness with others.

    And if you're totally honest with yourself, you probably enjoy their emo-ness about it, you're sensitive about it sure but also you like it because being in a caregiver, affectionate openly gay man role also gives you a sense of power.

    So there are many issues going on here lol.

    While I adore your level of compassion that so many people lack in this world, (it even makes me get a little crush on you over the internet) - it also holds you back because you have to sacrifice what you want to help another person. Hoping they will eventually see the light and live the happily ever after out of the closet with you.

    Maybe you could try to find an openly gay guy that didn't have so much ego about it, that was gay but but also a little shy and insecure about some other, less-important stuff, where it can be more 'cutsey' but in a healthier, balanced way.
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Jan 01, 2013 7:04 AM GMT
    In other words, I think the root core of this issue is that you don't like extreme OUTNESS - not just homosexuality but in general. So you are drawn to these insecure people who withdraw and don't show people who they are, because your personality type clashes with people who are overly aggressive.

    And you complain about them but you secretly like it as it's part of what meshes well with your compassionate nature. Compassionate people aren't abrasive with others, they are patient and want to help them work with things.

    You know other people like to hear other people's weaknesses, so you gossip about them to other people as a way to develop deep friendships. All this drama does a lot for you but if you ever want out of it, I suggest trying to find a softer man that also learned how to be a bit more self-confident in a way that you can digest without thinking that they are arrogant.

    good luck. <3
  • baw1900

    Posts: 11

    Jan 01, 2013 8:32 PM GMT
    Unfortunetly, these things happen. I went from I love you to no contact and him having a girlfriend in two weeks.
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    Jan 01, 2013 9:19 PM GMT
    marcobruno1978 said
    It's very confusing. What are your thoughts? I don't mind being his friend--I think he needs someone to openly confide in. However, I will be moving on...

    1. Very sorry for you. icon_sad.gif
    2. A man can be "professional and very well educated" and still be emotionally immature, especially when it comes to being a closeted gay. Trust me, I was there. icon_redface.gif It's a common mistake to equate intellectual accomplishments with emotional maturity - they don't always go hand-in-hand.
    3. Moving on is probably in your best interest.
    4. And remember that the corollary to the immature intellectual is the mature non-intellectual, perhaps the unassuming blue collar guy with a modest education. You never know the gem inside from the wrappings outside. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 01, 2013 9:22 PM GMT
    Fuck him. I'm 3 1/2 hours away from you. icon_wink.gif
  • turtleneckjoc...

    Posts: 4685

    Jan 01, 2013 9:23 PM GMT
    thegaymessiah saidYou are a caring person. You are soft and understanding to people's insecurities with being homosexual instead of just screaming at them that they need self-confidence like a lot of people would.

    You see men who need fixing up and your heart and eyes and soul light up when you meet closet cases because it's like you feel like you can show them somebody really cares and won't treat them harshly. As openly gay men can be self-confident, but lack a softness with others.

    And if you're totally honest with yourself, you probably enjoy their emo-ness about it, you're sensitive about it sure but also you like it because being in a caregiver, affectionate openly gay man role also gives you a sense of power.

    So there are many issues going on here lol.

    While I adore your level of compassion that so many people lack in this world, (it even makes me get a little crush on you over the internet) - it also holds you back because you have to sacrifice what you want to help another person. Hoping they will eventually see the light and live the happily ever after out of the closet with you.

    Maybe you could try to find an openly gay guy that didn't have so much ego about it, that was gay but but also a little shy and insecure about some other, less-important stuff, where it can be more 'cutsey' but in a healthier, balanced way.


    +1

    (including the crush)
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    Jan 01, 2013 9:24 PM GMT
    Screw friends. There's no such thing as "let's be friends" after something like that. Maybe you can pretend to be friendly, but the awkwardness, bitterness, and hurt feelings won't go away. Give yourself some space to get over him and go find a person who deserves you. Something I've learned over the years: never date a closet-case.
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    Jan 01, 2013 9:27 PM GMT
    Saguaromatic saidSomething I've learned over the years: never date a closet-case.

    One hates to generalize, but yeah, my worst experiences involved closet cases. When he wasn't as out as I am, misery & failure followed. icon_sad.gif
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    Jan 01, 2013 9:35 PM GMT
    Saguaromatic saidScrew friends. There's no such thing as "let's be friends" after something like that. Maybe you can pretend to be friendly, but the awkwardness, bitterness, and hurt feelings won't go away. Give yourself some space to get over him and go find a person who deserves you. Something I've learned over the years: never date a closet-case.


    I disagree. I'm friends with an ex who dumped me rather undiplomatically years ago. I didn't plan on staying friends with him and we didn't communicate much for a few years. But we have many people in common we both now and would cross paths regularly. After a while, I was able to let go of negative feelings and appreciate his good points. We're friends now and I'm happy about that.

    As for the OP, I think whether to remain friends depends if he is able to emtionally handle it and accept the other guys limitations. If it's all give with nothing in return, it probably doesn't make sense.
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    Jan 01, 2013 9:43 PM GMT
    marcobruno1978 saidThis weekend, I broke up with a closeted man that I liked very much. He admits to being gay but is severely uncomfortable with it. [...] he decided to break everything off. He said it was getting too heavy for him. He's my age--38 years old--professional and very well educated. So the overreaction seemed rather immature.

    I realized he is very uncomfortable expressing his feelings or understanding love. He never understood that I wanted to be closer to him. And I never asked him to come out. If anything, I would have been patient and understanding.
    [...]
    It's very confusing. What are your thoughts? I don't mind being his friend--I think he needs someone to openly confide in. However, I will be moving on...


    I don't see why you're confused. You invested time in a man who lacks the basic ability to accept himself as he is and to live his life with self respect.

    I would do one of two possibilities:

    1- Abandon him and not give a fuck anymore.

    2- Treat him like a man who needs to be severely disciplined and yell the truth into him. Let it become an argument so that when things digest and settle afterwards, he'll start to have a new understanding of what he himself wants of his life.
    If he doesn't come-around abandon him, unless you are truly willing to accept him as he is.
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    Jan 01, 2013 10:06 PM GMT
    I'm sure he has his reasons but everyone has a story and he doesn't seem to mind hurting you to keep his secret. Good for you for having the self-respect to move on.
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    Jan 01, 2013 10:32 PM GMT
    I feel for ya Marco, was pretty much in the exact same situation, only he didn't mind going out in public (no PDA which i dont like anyways). If you want try and be friends, but my guess it's going to take more time. In my case, i haven't seen the guy since September and a few weeks ago he asked if i wanted to go for a beer or something soon. I'm at a point where i know what my feelings are towards him now and im in a mindset where ya, I'm sure we can become friends again (we were friends before we started "going out".) If you try and jump back in when "wounds are still fresh" you're not going to have the outcome you wanted I don't think.