Lovely guy, but in rebound and no sex... Yet.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 01, 2013 9:58 AM GMT
    So I'm dating a really lovely guy who has been in a very tough partnership and finally moved out and been single for a bit. The relationship was very controlling and he's finally found his " voice". The problem is that he comes across as sarcastic and brittle and also refuses to have any anal sex so far. We have jerked off, cuddled rimmed and all but he seems to be setting the terms irrespective of what I want. Ive given it time to see how I feel but I'm now at a point that I'm not entirely happy about this- and feel that I'm not really so much someone he likes as opposed to a stepping stone to his new life.

    Any thoughts?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 01, 2013 5:01 PM GMT
    This is a new year - sweep out what doesn't workicon_exclaim.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 01, 2013 5:42 PM GMT
    If the relationship sound unbalanced, it is. He's not wishing to please you. This is therefore not a pleasing relationship. I'm afraid it's time to move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 01, 2013 5:52 PM GMT
    Dating how long?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 01, 2013 8:12 PM GMT
    Anal is a deal-breaker? For realz? Forget emotional and intellectual compatibility. Sex is a journey, and the destination isn't always reached in the first few weeks of dating.
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Jan 01, 2013 8:31 PM GMT
    Time to move on. He is not worth your time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 01, 2013 9:22 PM GMT
    May be he does not want to give it too early. You do not know if you do not ask. If someone truly care for you then they will not judge you. I would ask him if the relationship is more than 2 or 3 months.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 01, 2013 9:26 PM GMT
    If Anal is a deal breaker for you then as people said break the relationship. Otherwise may be wait for a while and see how it goes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 01, 2013 9:37 PM GMT
    saracastic and brittle: break it off
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2013 1:01 AM GMT
    Doesn't do anal?

    http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2011/10/18/346473/new-study-of-gay-and-bi-mens-sexual-behavior-has-implications-for-health-advocacy/

    icon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gif

    (edit) Oh, well. More for me then.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1118

    Jan 02, 2013 1:34 AM GMT
    From experience I try to avoid guys on a rebound for very obvious reasons; they haven't fully recovered yet. Give him time and a lot of emotional support. He needs to regain the trust and confidence lost from his previous relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 02, 2013 1:41 AM GMT
    It would be best to talk to him about it directly. There could be a lot of reasons for it and it could be a result of what happened in the last relationship he had. If it is not an issue that can be worked through, as in he just dislikes anal sex, and you can't handle a relationship without anal just tell him and move on.

    Not everyone has the time or compassion to work through another persons emotional issues, if that is what is behind it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 03, 2013 6:41 AM GMT
    deltalimen saidDating how long?


    That's what I want to know?

    One thing I learned in 2012 is to NOT LET MEN SET THE TERMS IRRESPECTIBLE of what I want. It's not going to be anymore sex when they are ready or doing things at their pace.

    If a guy can't make decisions, I will make it for them. If they don't call by a reasonable time, regardless of me telling them to do so or not...it's plan B. If they are not giving up that AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSS (or penis) when I want them too, within the period of time that I feel they should, they will get chopped.

    However, in your case you guys are doing 69, cuddling, jerking each other off...I can't see why you're incredibly unhappy. I can probably live a little while without anal, as long as both of us are getting off. Afterall, men and women have gotten by for ages without anal icon_idea.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 03, 2013 6:48 AM GMT
    rlynnc said
    Not everyone has the time or compassion to work through another persons emotional issues, if that is what is behind it.


    And speaking from someone who has spent 8 months babysitting a man with emotional issues (actually 2 men), it's usually not worth it.

    I'm tired of playing therapist and the proverbial shoulder to cry on. I am not a synagogue. Guys like to bring all this bullshit to the table, and lean on someone who will sympathise with their bullshit...yet give very little in return. I'm not doing that bullshit anymore.

    Drop the bullshit at the front door, and drop your pants.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 03, 2013 6:57 AM GMT
    Don't be his stepping stone!
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jan 03, 2013 7:14 AM GMT
    If you have to have anal sex, and he is not into it, then you are not a match.

    Brittle? Don't know what that means.

    sarcastic? Usually, only very bright people can be sarcastic. If sarcasm is antithetical to you, and that is his nature, then why are you dating?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 03, 2013 7:30 AM GMT
    Roguewave saidsaracastic and brittle: break it off



    Sounds like a dude I met until I fucked him hard a couple times in the ass one night . He was mellow the next morning.,
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 03, 2013 8:10 AM GMT
    huhwhat saidAnal is a deal-breaker? For realz? Forget emotional and intellectual compatibility. Sex is a journey, and the destination isn't always reached in the first few weeks of dating.

    This - basically. I think a few of us would like to know HOW LONG you've been dating. Months? Weeks? Days? How are we supposed to provide feedback on so little information.

    And (for me) anal sex is the least of my concerns after so many other issues: honesty, dependability, vulnerability, humor, wit, smiling, warmth, friendliness, respect, flirtation, etc.

    You said he was in a controlling relationship. Maybe anal sex was one of the things he didn't have a choice in. Have you asked him what he enjoys? Would he be flexible to expanding the sexual menu with time & trust (I need that, personally speaking)?

    I find it kind of shocking how many guys here are making such absolute statements (like: drop him!) with so little info provided. Sobering for me to see. icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 03, 2013 9:16 AM GMT
    Sorry for late reply:

    We have been going out about a month. As many of you know, I'm new to the dating scene so im not totally sure.

    Up until now: there have been no commitments made and we agreed on this and also no pressure whatsoever . We are taking time to get to know each other but at times he can be setting the pace which is a bit alarming to me.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 03, 2013 9:25 AM GMT
    An effing month of not having anal sex and you're ready to go off like Mussolini from the balcony? He's controlling the pace, and it 'alarms' you?

    Let's be clear. That's a very reasonable time frame. You have apparently done everything but the deed itself, and you're pissed he's drawn some line, however fine it is. Within a month. Pfft. You seem even more unnerved by the fact that he is the one setting this agenda. How dare he have a say!

    You, sir, are the sort of unstable control freak this poor man just got out of a relationship with. Do both of you a favor and break it off. Now. Bah.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 03, 2013 9:27 AM GMT
    Do you speak to all people on here with such disrespect?

    I am very new to dating so trying to work out how it all goes . For your information we have discussed a few of these issues and some of them have been resolved but I'm still getting thoughts from others.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 03, 2013 9:34 AM GMT
    blactor saidDo you speak to all people on here with such disrespect?

    I am very new to dating so trying to work out how it all goes . For your information we have discussed a few of these issues and some of them have been resolved but I'm still getting thoughts from others.


    The reality is that what you're saying is outrageous and against any and all common sense. Did you ever date women before you dated men? Or did you really just decide to give it a try at the tender age of 36? If you have, you should know better. Hell, if you just hatched out of an egg and have a shred of empathy, you should know better.

    And excuse my harsh tone, but you and people like you are the reason dating sucks. My God. Just go find a prostitute already, and let the poor man find someone who has a scintilla of decency to make him happy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 03, 2013 9:41 AM GMT
    Because both he and I have come out of controlling backgrounds and I think we are both afraid of being controlled.

    And I dated NO ONE until 2 years ago when I came out as gay after being in church environments . So I'm absolutely certain that I'm trying to learn what's best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 03, 2013 9:52 AM GMT
    Seems to me this question is obvious. To the point that Blactor, in his infinite honesty, somehow managed to avoid the topic of how long this had been going on in his original post. Prompting people to ask, and of course the answer reveals that the original post is churlish.

    That is the bug up my ass. His lame attempts at generating pity, when the issue itself is so glaringly ridiculous, are even more galling.

    Maybe you conduct your personal affairs in a similar manner, but I find it reprehensible.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jan 03, 2013 10:25 AM GMT
    Probably an oversight on my part in regards to communicating correctly.

    Principal: we are all trying to make life work and cope. I'm learning as I go. If you have an issue with that- its YOUR issue. Not mine.

    Now either submit constructive advice or alternatively get the hell off my thread .