Codependency..ever experience it?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 20, 2008 4:43 PM GMT
    I read alot of good advice on here on alot of things. What I am about to ask of you guys is hard for me because it means I am admiting I feel weak, vulneralbe and my self esteem is in the can right now, so here it goes...

    My bf and I have been battling many issues in our relationship. One of which is our long distance which is 2 hours. We have been seeing each other for 4 years now and to be honest I grow tired of the distance. He promised to move here 3 years ago but we are still working on that.

    6 months into the relationship some things happened that made me mistrust his monogamy in the relationship. We worked through it but since then our sex life has been almost non existent, as far as his side of it.

    I have a very high sex drive and have spoken to him repeatedly about what the problem is. He says he is working on himself and feeling "not complete" He says he loves me more than anything and is attracted to me but just doesn't think about sex. Hed rather do other things. I of course am very hurt by this and take it personal. He says its him and whenever he is stressed out thats the first thing to go.

    Because of all this it makes me doubt his monoamy in our realtionship which makes me feel very insecure and vulnerable that I am not good enough even though he says he loves me and shows me emotionally he loves me. I have never had anyone love me emotionally like he does.

    He says he is working on it but what do I do? How long do I wait? I try to help but instead it seems I grow more insecure and wonder what hes doing? Whos he doing it with? I worry when he goes out of town now, He assures me hes not doing anything but there have been many situations that may look otherwise, but you always want to believe the one you love.

    I find myself wanting to control him and his every move to make it better, to make sure it'll be ok, which is so wrong! I know he feels me doing this and has even said he feels like a prisoner.

    How do I let go? I have started reading a book called "Codependent No More" and it is talking about some of these issues when you worry and try to control people or things that you shouldn't or cant.

    Have any of you experienced anything like this? I know we love each other more than anything. We truly want to be together forever, but how can I get out of this rut and release me and him from this pressure?

    I try to but when I dont see him for two weeks and he doesnt try anything sexual or I have to do it all it makes me feel sad, lonely and rejected all over again.

    I know alot of you guys will say this should be between him and I and we have talked about it repeatedly. I would like some advice from someone that might have gone through this or is not involved in the situaiton.

    thanks for your time reading this...I appreciated the responses.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 21, 2008 1:40 AM GMT
    Ok phenomenon...

    What are you doing?
    You're in a sexless relationship
    You're feeling rejected
    He's got you thinking that he's cheating on you
    and he tells you HE thinks he's a prisoner?

    You're being manipulated
    It's time to sit down and rethink this relationship
    If you really want this guy you tell him you got 2 months
    if he wants to work things out within that 2 months he needs to come up with a workable plan that will see you guys thru this mess

    If he even PEEPS.... you need to walk
    or else you're going to suffer even more emotionally
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2008 3:03 AM GMT
    Oh, gosh!

    .....................................................
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2008 8:48 PM GMT
    Thanks GQ for the advice. I had never thought about that way as far as me being the prisoner so to speak, you really hit me with that one, I never thought of it that way, but your right. I love him but hes got my nerves tore up. Somethings gotta change... i have always thought it was bad to give someone an ultimatum but I think almost 4 years is enuff time.

    Sometimes he senses me wanting to give him an ultimatum and he says he has to do everything in his time and its not fair for me to pressure him, Its so messed up, cuz I dont think its fair to me to keep it going like this but I dont want to lose him either, but we might not have a choice if it doesnt change.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2008 9:03 PM GMT
    Is this an issue of codependency, or of basic incompatibility? You may be reluctant to face the facts of a failing relationship for quite ordinary reasons: fond memories; hope the good times can still return; your investment of time & emotional capital in the relationship; fear of what a break-up will entail; the uncertainties of returning to the dating scene, etc.

    People drift apart, and there comes a time when you should cut the cord. Whether your own relationship involves a true codependency I can't tell from your message, but it does sound like it's strained and no longer enjoyable. Codependency implies a specific kind of problem within a relationship; your own may have simply run its course.
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    Sep 22, 2008 5:41 PM GMT


    ...as usual, we veer from the standard. We both feel that true co-dependency is exhibited by people who can't stand to be with each other and also can't stand to be apart from each other. It's a horror show either way.

    Like Red Vespa, we're wondering if your relationship could be failing for more pedestrian reasons. Perhaps his sex drive is vastly dimmer than your own, and you can't adjust to that. Perhaps there is already a settled-down-ness in his life that he likes more than turning his life around for someone else. So, he's stuck.

    These are only observations, but hopefully ones that you can use.

    -us