Jealousy

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    Sep 20, 2008 5:52 PM GMT
    My partner is terribly jealous of my gym time and my friends.

    When we first met it was cute, and as I had just moved here with a new job and had no friends, it wasn't a big issue. I indulged him (my bad) for many years until I woke up one day and realized that my old friends had drifted away and I had no new ones.

    I set about making new friends and that's when the sht hit the fan. Every friend I made was automatically my new boyfriend and I had to be sleeping with them or wanting to. Every moment I spent with them was scrutinized and had to be accounted for was a mark against "our time together". All our time together is now spent fighting about the time I spend with my friends or at the gym and he wonders why I hate being around him.

    Anybody have any suggestions or has been through this? It is destroying our relationship.icon_sad.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 20, 2008 7:01 PM GMT
    You have to nip this in the bud right now ....
    or it's going to slowly poison your relationship

    Better to have the green eyed monster walk right now rather than have months and months of fights and arguments
    if you have nothing for him to worry about you have to set the record straight that you are not going to cheat on him and that he has nothing to worry about
    and from now on you do not want to hear anything about it
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    Sep 20, 2008 7:22 PM GMT



    Hey Voltaire,

    Jealousy or insecurity, what a conundrum. Either or both need to be talked out pretty pronto. Neither of us have much truck with jealousy. Both of us, over the years, have had brief bouts of insecurity. It can masquerade as jealousy very easily. Of the two, we'd say insecurity is easier to deal with as it can be better resolved.

    What makes it easier for us is that we usually, with or without the presence of the other, refer to ourselves as an 'us'. This has a subtle long-term effect. We also include each other in the smallest of 'stuff' we each have.
    With this site, if either of us starts to make a friend, we begin by sharing our interest (in this new person) with each other right away.

    "Hey Bill, look at this post from Sedative. Wow. " or
    "I'd like to get to know Scott-next-door better. He'll go to nurseries for shrubs anytime.." We often say that the friends each of us make are 2 for 1 - one of us makes a friend and two of us get one! Very cool.

    Hope some of this gives you a couple ideas for talking it out.
    Jealousy can come from very shallow places.
    Insecurities more often stem from psychological (emotional) need.

    -us
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    Sep 21, 2008 1:15 AM GMT
    Hey, MeninLove, that fucking Bill is hot , I want to hit that!icon_wink.gif

    That jealousy, nip it in the bud now. It's only going to grow more rancid and gangrenous, you let it fester any longer. Talk it out with him and I mean get to the root. Your having friends is not really what inspires his ire the most. I have the notion that the problem goes much deeper. I'll play devil's advocate and say you might be behaving in a way that's bothersome to him, like you really do treat him like a second class citizen. However, I can also entertain the probability that he just has some deep seaded insecurity and self doubt. You may need the help of a professional, couples counseling. If you determine it is not that serious, perhaps he needs friends of his own and the two of you also need mutual friends. I'm sensing some great inbalance here on the friend issue. I think that mutual friends are best for gay couples or other gay couples/straight couples as friends. Barring any urgent psychological reason, I'm sensing he feels left out of a part of your life. The two of you having and enjoying friends together can offset this. Infact, I imagine he'd be so preoccupied with your dinner plans with Rick and Cindy or your movie date with Bob and Ted, he would stop worrying about your gym friends. Has he ever met any of them, maybe that will ease tension also? Bring the gym out of obscurity and let him meet these socalled Romeos to be so that he can see that they really are just friends. Kbye.

    ...........................................

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    Sep 21, 2008 3:27 AM GMT
    Been there, had that. My ex-boyfriend would come to the gym with me to "be a part of my life." After our workout he'd light up a cigarette and dish about the guys he thought were cruising me.

    After awhile he didn't bother going to the gym. The jealousy and accusations never stopped. It seems I couldn't do anything right, to demonstrate my devotion to him. He loved my physique, but didn't connect the input to the result very well.

    We split up, of course.

    Although your boyfriend hasn't made an ultimatum yet, get him to voice it. If he can't bring himself to give you an ultimatum, your relationship has hope. But if he voices the ultimatum, you'll have your answer and a choice: if working out is important to you, enough to risk your relationship to your boyfriend, do it, and end it with him soon; if he's more important to you, and you can live with yourself being his house-man, quit the gym, get on the couch and start enjoying the E! channel...your gym life is just getting in the way of your destiny as man-bitch.

    Incidentally, how does he feel about you being on RealJock?
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    Sep 21, 2008 3:35 AM GMT
    Do you have any friends in common that you spend time with?

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    Sep 21, 2008 3:37 AM GMT
    I am not sure what you are saying about "sleeping with them", but you are entitled you have friends. Its is healthy to have friends outside of your relationship. If a partner is so jealous that you can't have friends then your partner has a problem that needs to be resolved.

    Of course the question will always come up if you are really neglecting time with your partner. Also, don't discount the fact that you can make friends that you can both hang out with. In the past, I have always invited my boyfriends to participate in activities with me and my friends and found that many times he would opt out anyway. Transparency is also important. Always be honest with you partner in what you are doing.
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    Sep 21, 2008 3:41 AM GMT
    The answer is so obvious I wonder why you ask: dump this guy. You're clearly good at meeting others, which enrages him, so you won't be lonely when this jealous control freak is out of your life.
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    Sep 21, 2008 7:19 AM GMT
    Shoot him and tell the cops he was nabbing your hub caps.
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    Sep 21, 2008 7:33 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    "Hey Bill, look at this post from Sedative. Wow. " or


    I know what follows after that.

    "Wow... he's really superduperuberfantasticallyawesomely 1337! We should escape Earth while he's still gathering his army of darkness and we still have time! Earth is no match for his evil genius!"

    icon_lol.gif
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    Sep 21, 2008 7:42 PM GMT
    ...yawn...what was it we discovered last time ? My dog weighs more than you...we tremble in fear..and laugh a lot..about..not you.

    oh thread hijacking for the loose:

    I had the same problem, you know what : It is just a "washing machine program" your partner uses to get what he wants cause it probably worked really well for him in his life, don't let it work. Make it clear one final last time you need friendships as well and he must be able to trust you and then go on... he won't leave you I bet you 10$ ( yes I really believe in my advice icon_smile.gif )
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    Sep 21, 2008 7:56 PM GMT
    What dog? Eez a panda! icon_evil.gif
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    Sep 21, 2008 8:00 PM GMT
    You guys need to do some serious communicating and kick each other in the butt to wake up. The situation you describe is cute at first, but it will drain the fun and love out of your relastionship.

    I would be totally supportive of any activity my partner would want to do. I would encourage him to make as many friends as possible. I would set him free to be curious about everything life has to offer.

    Problems and feelings come up. You have to face them. It may be you guys are mismatched. It may be also be a solid love that needs to be worked on.

    The minute a guy starts cramping my style because HE has a problem with me being me, a big red flag goes up.

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    Sep 22, 2008 12:22 AM GMT
    Well, I have to say that there are some very sharp and insightful folks in this forum! My partner and I have read your replies and we find things on both sides that fit like a glove, although my partner feels strongly that I have not given the full story. I will do that now in the process of addressing the points you all have brought up. Sorry – this might be long, but I sincerely appreciate your input!

    GQjock: I tried the direct approach and it didn't work the first time so I hammered it a few more times but still no dice. He cheated on his last lover so I think he feels that Karma dictates that I'll cheat on him.

    meninlove: Prior to a lot of our problems we used to be "we" and "us" all the time and along about year 9 (we have been together 15 years) I found that I was losing my own identity and began having self esteem issues. Around year 11 I began to try and foster my own individuality again by returning to the things I used to love doing. I also began making a few friends. They started out as mutual friends but when I started getting closer than acquaintances to any of them my partner then began disliking them and pressed them out of my life.

    GuiltyGear: My partner does indeed feel like a second class citizen and feels excluded from my life. We tried couples counseling for a while (I set it up) and in spite of him insisting on appointment times that prevented me from going to the gym we went. However, and this is from my point of view, when the counselor started to hint toward a lot of the problem being on his side, he suddenly didn’t think it was worth pursuing anymore. Since it was messing with my gym time; that was fine with me! As I mentioned to meninlove, my partner pressed all my gay friends out of my life so I decided that I would cultivate straight friends; where there could be no question of fidelity. One of them, Cliff, is now my best friend (and training partner) and, no surprise, my partner hates him with a passion! Because of this, the feeling is now mutual between them. I used to train with my partner and eventually told him that I wouldn’t train with him anymore but would train with Cliff who was more advanced. Yeah, that was a big blow to my partner and it hurt him deeply. Yes, Cliff is more advances than I was but the real reason I made the switch was because he was ruining my training sessions with bickering, whining, not paying attention to training, making sexual comments about me (to me), pouting and scoping out every guy in the gym.

    Mickeytopogigio: We have been to the ultimatum place frequently on both sides. I ignore his because I know they’re not sincere. On several occasions I have been mad enough to tell him we’re through but then he’ll be sweet to me and I’ll mellow back out. I have a short memory for crap and can let things go easily but he cannot – the same garbage keeps coming up fight after fight. As I said to GuiltyGear, training with him was miserable. Now he goes in the morning while I continue to go in the evening – he says that he can’t bear to see me train with Cliff “following him around like a bitch in heat.” As far as being on RealJock, I just joined so it’s probably too early to tell, but I can tell you it has already come up in the massive fight we just had – this in spite of the fact that I have shared everything I’ve done here with him!

    Crimthann: My partner would be happy (forgive the expression) “stuck up my ass 24-7” but it drives me nuts. We reached a point where we essentially had one mutual friend – sort of. My partner’s best friend is our “mutual” friend. Arriving at this point I complained about it and how I hated not having an array of friends. He said to do something about it. I did, but he didn’t like the result.

    ActiveAndFit: Yes, I do neglect time with my partner. It has become a vicious circle: During our time together he is nasty with me for training and being with my friends and so I try to spend less time with him.

    RedVespa: He is a control freak, no doubt. But he’s got a lot of positive qualities too. The mother of a Russian friend of mine once told me after her third or fourth husband in her heavy Russian accent “Michael, don’t ever remarry… you only trade one sack of shit for another.” I already know what’s in this sack and if I can figure out how to deal with it I’d be happy. We’ve had a lot of good time together.

    MuchMoreThanMuscle: Our couple’s therapy was a bit of a disaster as I mentioned above. It was the option most recommended by my family and who knows it might bear reconsideration.

    Buckwheet: Often very tempting… We once had a yelling match in the driveway one morning while I was late for work. He stood behind my truck and yelled that I’d have to run him over to leave, that he wasn’t done yet. OOOH I was VERY close to doing just that. My truck is lifted quite a bit so, I reasoned, it would just knock him over and I could easily sail right over the top of him and go to work… after enjoying that video in my head, I got out of the truck calmly and let him finish yelling.

    Libriarian: I think you are right… he is the youngest of five and knows how to get his way. Consequently, when he tries one of his “washing machine programs” and I recognize it as such I do not give in. Unfortunately, this feed back has NOT made him cease this behavior but has made things worse. You’d win the 10$ - I know that at this point he doesn’t want out of the relationship but I don’t yet either because I think it’s still salvageable.

    KissingPro: If this relationship was less than 2 years old then I WOULD WALK rather than put up with this shit. I have encouraged him to go make friends but he says he is happy with the single one he has and that he wants more time with me.

    Finally, he has in his mind that Cliff is my “boyfriend” and, depending on the fight some of my other friends get thrown into this category too. Nothing I say can change his mind; he knows what’s going on in my mind and I am just deceiving myself. I can say that Cliff is probably one of the best friends I’ve ever had and I do love him, but not in a sexual way. My partner hates my music, my truck, the Southeast Texas vernacular I occasionally use, my rifle, my hunting, my cell phone, my friends, and damn near every thing I do is either wrong or could be done better. On his end, I’m distant, spend no time with him, exclude him from my life, and am generally an asshole.

    Is this fixable? The longer it goes on the less I think so. Your suggestions have been great and I sincerely thank you!
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    Sep 22, 2008 2:23 AM GMT
    Voltaire saidWell, I have to say that there are some very sharp and insightful folks in this forum! My partner and I have read your replies and we find things on both sides that fit like a glove, although my partner feels strongly that I have not given the full story. I will do that now in the process of addressing the points you all have brought up. Sorry – this might be long, but I sincerely appreciate your input!

    GQjock: I tried the direct approach and it didn't work the first time so I hammered it a few more times but still no dice. He cheated on his last lover so I think he feels that Karma dictates that I'll cheat on him.

    meninlove: Prior to a lot of our problems we used to be "we" and "us" all the time and along about year 9 (we have been together 15 years) I found that I was losing my own identity and began having self esteem issues. Around year 11 I began to try and foster my own individuality again by returning to the things I used to love doing. I also began making a few friends. They started out as mutual friends but when I started getting closer than acquaintances to any of them my partner then began disliking them and pressed them out of my life.

    GuiltyGear: My partner does indeed feel like a second class citizen and feels excluded from my life. We tried couples counseling for a while (I set it up) and in spite of him insisting on appointment times that prevented me from going to the gym we went. However, and this is from my point of view, when the counselor started to hint toward a lot of the problem being on his side, he suddenly didn’t think it was worth pursuing anymore. Since it was messing with my gym time; that was fine with me! As I mentioned to meninlove, my partner pressed all my gay friends out of my life so I decided that I would cultivate straight friends; where there could be no question of fidelity. One of them, Cliff, is now my best friend (and training partner) and, no surprise, my partner hates him with a passion! Because of this, the feeling is now mutual between them. I used to train with my partner and eventually told him that I wouldn’t train with him anymore but would train with Cliff who was more advanced. Yeah, that was a big blow to my partner and it hurt him deeply. Yes, Cliff is more advances than I was but the real reason I made the switch was because he was ruining my training sessions with bickering, whining, not paying attention to training, making sexual comments about me (to me), pouting and scoping out every guy in the gym.

    Mickeytopogigio: We have been to the ultimatum place frequently on both sides. I ignore his because I know they’re not sincere. On several occasions I have been mad enough to tell him we’re through but then he’ll be sweet to me and I’ll mellow back out. I have a short memory for crap and can let things go easily but he cannot – the same garbage keeps coming up fight after fight. As I said to GuiltyGear, training with him was miserable. Now he goes in the morning while I continue to go in the evening – he says that he can’t bear to see me train with Cliff “following him around like a bitch in heat.” As far as being on RealJock, I just joined so it’s probably too early to tell, but I can tell you it has already come up in the massive fight we just had – this in spite of the fact that I have shared everything I’ve done here with him!

    Crimthann: My partner would be happy (forgive the expression) “stuck up my ass 24-7” but it drives me nuts. We reached a point where we essentially had one mutual friend – sort of. My partner’s best friend is our “mutual” friend. Arriving at this point I complained about it and how I hated not having an array of friends. He said to do something about it. I did, but he didn’t like the result.

    ActiveAndFit: Yes, I do neglect time with my partner. It has become a vicious circle: During our time together he is nasty with me for training and being with my friends and so I try to spend less time with him.

    RedVespa: He is a control freak, no doubt. But he’s got a lot of positive qualities too. The mother of a Russian friend of mine once told me after her third or fourth husband in her heavy Russian accent “Michael, don’t ever remarry… you only trade one sack of shit for another.” I already know what’s in this sack and if I can figure out how to deal with it I’d be happy. We’ve had a lot of good time together.

    MuchMoreThanMuscle: Our couple’s therapy was a bit of a disaster as I mentioned above. It was the option most recommended by my family and who knows it might bear reconsideration.

    Buckwheet: Often very tempting… We once had a yelling match in the driveway one morning while I was late for work. He stood behind my truck and yelled that I’d have to run him over to leave, that he wasn’t done yet. OOOH I was VERY close to doing just that. My truck is lifted quite a bit so, I reasoned, it would just knock him over and I could easily sail right over the top of him and go to work… after enjoying that video in my head, I got out of the truck calmly and let him finish yelling.

    Libriarian: I think you are right… he is the youngest of five and knows how to get his way. Consequently, when he tries one of his “washing machine programs” and I recognize it as such I do not give in. Unfortunately, this feed back has NOT made him cease this behavior but has made things worse. You’d win the 10$ - I know that at this point he doesn’t want out of the relationship but I don’t yet either because I think it’s still salvageable.

    KissingPro: If this relationship was less than 2 years old then I WOULD WALK rather than put up with this shit. I have encouraged him to go make friends but he says he is happy with the single one he has and that he wants more time with me.

    Finally, he has in his mind that Cliff is my “boyfriend” and, depending on the fight some of my other friends get thrown into this category too. Nothing I say can change his mind; he knows what’s going on in my mind and I am just deceiving myself. I can say that Cliff is probably one of the best friends I’ve ever had and I do love him, but not in a sexual way. My partner hates my music, my truck, the Southeast Texas vernacular I occasionally use, my rifle, my hunting, my cell phone, my friends, and damn near every thing I do is either wrong or could be done better. On his end, I’m distant, spend no time with him, exclude him from my life, and am generally an asshole.

    Is this fixable? The longer it goes on the less I think so. Your suggestions have been great and I sincerely thank you!


    Last question first.. Yes, its fixable, if you are both willing to work hard towards it, to sacrifice a lot of things to get there, but, the question isn't so much, can it be fixed, but is it worth the effort on your part.

    personally this guy sounds like he has A LOT of problems and I picked up on that at about paragraph 3.

    A relationship (as you well know) is built on trust, he has to trust you, the fact he had an affair is inconsequential to the fact he still has to trust you, it is no excuse, he shouldn't treat you like he does.

    For me, you should be able to come and go with nary a question of whats happening the simple fact that you love him makes you want to include him in your life and tell him whats happening regardless of if he asks or not.

    You answer to GuiltyGear has be wondering, do you feel like your excluding him? do you think hes a second class citizen? if the answer where yes, then why would you do that? are you doing this intentionally? and importantly do you want to include him? but, even with your answer to Activeandfit, I'm willing to bet, that if you think a little harder, you might just feel differently.

    I completely agree with you about changing to Cliff, you partner should be supporting you in things that make you happy not trying to ruin them to keep you at
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    Sep 22, 2008 3:30 AM GMT
    Voltaire saidWe have been to the ultimatum place frequently on both sides. I ignore his because I know they’re not sincere.
    You seem happy with Cliff (as a workout partner and friend). Although you can't consummate it with Cliff, Cliff is your window into a normal relationship. Sure, Cliff has his problems (he's a straight guy trying to stay lucky with the ladies, after all), but he's got your back when it comes to workouts.

    You've been with your boyfriend a long time. I know you can't fathom the thought of breaking up with him, so I won't suggest it.

    So, I'll be constructive. Quit going to the gym. Tell Cliff you've got a bizarre infection that's going to keep you away from the gym for awhile. He'll understand.

    Then, make your life revolve around your boyfriend, which is what he really wants, right? Help him out around the house, kiss him goodbye when he goes to the gym, and have a meal waiting for him the next time he walks back in the house. He'll love this attention, and finally feel the security of being the number one guy in your life.

    This makes you number two. I see a pun here.

    My prediction: this won't last. You'll get fat and feel like dying. And your boyfriend won't be happy with the new you. His control issues with you will shift to something else, some other thing that you'll use to make him feel like a second-class citizen. The shouting will increase, and it will turn physical. You've talked about losing/having lost much of your identity. I doubt you'll recognize yourself after awhile.

    I also predict Cliff will invite you out some night to hang with his straight buddies and shoot darts and pool. Take him up on it, buy him a drink, and tell him the infection's cleared up.
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    Sep 22, 2008 6:23 AM GMT
    Jealousy is said to be the offspring of Love. Yet, unless the parent makes haste to strangle the child, the child will not rest till it has poisoned the parent.

    -A.W. Hare and J.C. Hare

    In jealousy there is more self-love than love.

    -Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld

    O, beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock The meat it feeds on. That cuckold lives in bliss Who, certain of his fate, loves not his wronger; But O, what damned minutes tells he o'er Who dotes, yet doubts--suspects, yet strongly loves!

    -William Shakespeare