Stuck in a rut

  • Musicman91

    Posts: 1529

    Jan 03, 2013 7:06 AM GMT
    There is this elderly woman who lives on my street, her name is Louisa. She is a very nice woman she has 2 sons who my mother grew up with. Her one son passed away in a car accident about 8 years ago and her other son lives an hour and half away but never visits her not even on holidays. My mom says he was always a spoiled jerk. I've always thought Louisa was cool she is very funny and very open minded as well. I have gotten very close with her in recent years. I always go to her house and cook her dinner and hang out with her for a few hours everyday. On the weekend I take her out to dinner and then to a movie or out shopping. When it is nice out we go for a walk for ice cream. She is really just a hoot and always asks if I have a boyfriend.

    Well she took a nasty fall on Monday and hit her head and broke her hip. She was hospitalized and was unconscious. I was really scared but thankfully she has regained consciousness. Her memory is fine but she is still pretty weak from her fall. She told me she wants to see her son. I got in contact with him to come see her and he said no. I explained she wanted to see him and he still said no.

    I really don't know what to do. If I tell her she will be heart broken. Part of me wants to drive out to see him and try to get him to come and/or kick his ass but it definitely wouldn't help if I did. I just feel like I will be hurting Louisa either way if I tell her he doesn't want to come she'll be upset and if I go out and manage to guilt him into coming and she finds out I dunno.

    Any advice icon_question.gif
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    Jan 03, 2013 7:08 AM GMT
    We can't force people to do things we feel is right, now matter how much we wish we could.

    The best thing you can do at this point, is continue to be a friend to her and to let her know her time here is still valuable to someone.
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    Jan 03, 2013 7:11 AM GMT
    Im sorry to say but don't do that. You don't know what has happened in their past. If he doesn't want to see his mother she might have done something to upset him...Everyone has a reason. If you are not part of their family it's best to stay out of it
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    Jan 03, 2013 7:17 AM GMT
    I swear this reads like a Lifetime movie of the week premise icon_eek.gif

    But real life doesn't work in crazy shenanigan plots. She asked to see her son, you asked him, he doesn't want to, you tell her that. Nothing else to do.
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    Jan 03, 2013 7:57 AM GMT
    ConfederateGhost saidWe can't force people to do things we feel is right, now matter how much we wish we could.

    The best thing you can do at this point, is continue to be a friend to her and to let her know her time here is still valuable to someone.


    This.

    OP: If you feel so inclined, continue to share time with her. If Louisa asks again for her son, look her in the eyes, smile, and tell her that you will be her son until he decides to visit himself. Give her a hug. Maybe this will ease some of her pain.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jan 03, 2013 8:09 AM GMT
    Not sure why the subject of this thread is "stuck in a rut". But what others have said, I second. It's very good of you to be a friend to her. But best not to try and negotiate family matters beyond what you've already done. You can't make someone do what you want nor should you try.

    I was estranged from my birth family. Lots of people loved my dad (for example). I knew he was a son of a bitch and a psychopath. No, seriously, he was. That said, we did reconcile just days before he died because he finally owned his shit and apologized for being such an asshole to me all my life. But that was in large measure because he was so close to death and lucid enough to know it and open enough to SEE ME and accept me for who I am for the first and only fucking time ever.
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    Jan 03, 2013 8:29 AM GMT
    Just tell her that you contacted him, and he said he didnt' want to visit her. It's her son - so she should have some knowledge of their relationship or lack of one. You can give her his address, if she does not have it, so she could write to him.
  • Angelix90

    Posts: 267

    Jan 03, 2013 10:28 AM GMT
    Where did all the onions come from? icon_cry.gif
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    Jan 03, 2013 4:48 PM GMT
    I'd take her to her attorney's office and make sure that son is written out of the will completely!

    No, seriously, you're way too kind. I did this to an 80 year old woman for 4 years that became a friend of the family through a relative. She had no one and eventually I had access to everything and helped her with all finances and medical issues. She was so ungrateful of all I did and unappreciative (I never asked her or received or expected anything from her) for all my time caring for her that I finally called her attorney and told her to take me out of everything. I'm glad this woman appreciates you, you're doing the right thing. I like the idea of telling her you'll be her son until her real son makes it to visit her.
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    Jan 03, 2013 5:21 PM GMT
    Damn. No matter what happened between the mother and the son, I can't believe he won't even go to her. He does sound like a jerk. Unfortunately, you can't really do anything about that situation. I'm not really sure how you'd tell her, but you at least tried. Does she have any brothers or sisters or extended family?
  • Kriss

    Posts: 690

    Jan 03, 2013 6:08 PM GMT
    gonna have to agree, as much as it would feel gratifying to kick his ass drag him to the hospital to see his mother you just can't do it. Alot of times theres reason behind avoidance.
  • imbrad

    Posts: 377

    Jan 03, 2013 6:24 PM GMT
    Watch Fried Green Tomatoes.

    Tell them both the truth and let her know that you are there for her. It is a shame that her son is not man enough to put their differences aside but you are man enough to show her love.
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    Jan 03, 2013 6:26 PM GMT
    eb925guy saidI'd take her to her attorney's office and make sure that son is written out of the will completely!


    This. And then take care of her, become her "son" and have yourself written into the will.
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    Jan 03, 2013 9:20 PM GMT
    Musicman91 saidThere is this elderly woman who lives on my street, her name is Louisa. She is a very nice woman she has 2 sons who my mother grew up with. Her one son passed away in a car accident about 8 years ago and her other son lives an hour and half away but never visits her not even on holidays. My mom says he was always a spoiled jerk. I've always thought Louisa was cool she is very funny and very open minded as well. I have gotten very close with her in recent years. I always go to her house and cook her dinner and hang out with her for a few hours everyday. On the weekend I take her out to dinner and then to a movie or out shopping. When it is nice out we go for a walk for ice cream. She is really just a hoot and always asks if I have a boyfriend.

    Well she took a nasty fall on Monday and hit her head and broke her hip. She was hospitalized and was unconscious. I was really scared but thankfully she has regained consciousness. Her memory is fine but she is still pretty weak from her fall. She told me she wants to see her son. I got in contact with him to come see her and he said no. I explained she wanted to see him and he still said no.

    I really don't know what to do. If I tell her she will be heart broken. Part of me wants to drive out to see him and try to get him to come and/or kick his ass but it definitely wouldn't help if I did. I just feel like I will be hurting Louisa either way if I tell her he doesn't want to come she'll be upset and if I go out and manage to guilt him into coming and she finds out I dunno.

    Any advice icon_question.gif


    You did all you can do. You can have your elderly friend call her son, but, no matter what, you have to tell her.

    There's likely two sides to the story.

    My dad never struck me, but, in my 52 plus years, he has never said a supportive word, ever. I pay for a cell for phone him, and I call him because no one else does (he's not at all loving, nor supportive in spirit or finance, is G.O.P., whines non-stop, and, in general is horrible to be around). I have no intentions of attending his funeral and while I don't hate him, I have zero desire to be around him for any extended length of time. He's horrible to be around. Over the years, he has been mostly hateful, and not once in those 52 years a positive, supportive, word. While I'm not hateful back, he won't be missed when he is in a casket. My repeated attempts at establishing a more close / loving relationship with my father have been rebutted for 52 years. I'm kind; I'm compassionate, but, he's a jerk, and does his very best to make me feel bad about myself. I could care less about any inheritance. It's just his way. "Misery enjoys company."

    I told my dad, "You don't treat your friends as badly as this, you didn't treat mom as badly as this. Starting now, you're not treating your children as bad as this." I told him that in 2009.

    When I told Dad I had my first six figure job his response was "You'll just lose it." When I told my dad I bought a new car, he said "You need to take it back, because you won't be able to pay for it." After I was homeless for a year, and before I got out of the car in 1992, after driving for four days (Mom gave Dad an ultimatum) he said "if you came here to live off your mom and me, you have another god damn thing coming." Not ever...not once, a word of compassion, praise nor support. He is getting much better treatment than he deserves, but, that's because I'm the better person. I my case, he truly is a jerk, and refuses to let him self experience the joy of family, or to just be kind. Realism is one thing, but, he goes beyond that.

    If your friend wants nothing to do with his mom, I assure you he has reasons. Stay out of it.
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    Jan 03, 2013 9:22 PM GMT
    smudgetool said
    eb925guy saidI'd take her to her attorney's office and make sure that son is written out of the will completely!


    This. And then take care of her, become her "son" and have yourself written into the will.


    Hateful is hateful, any which way you cut it. Shame on you folks. It's show your character, and it's not pretty.
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    Jan 03, 2013 9:38 PM GMT
    You could easily tell her that her son can't come to see her and if she asks why tell her you didn't think to ask. You also say,
    "He's not here, but will I do?" and give her an opportunity to make something good from a downer. icon_wink.gif

    -Doug

  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jan 03, 2013 11:27 PM GMT
    I'm afraid I would go with what Narciso says, but also talk to hospital staff or her doctor to see if there is a counselor or social worker who can talk with her. You should not be having to deal with this.
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    Jan 04, 2013 2:48 AM GMT
    Here is some advice.Never do anything for anyone because they claim to have you in their will.A will can be changed or amended quite quickly.If you want to befriend a elderly person and help them and they decide to give you some cash in gratitude that is great but never assume you are gonna get the big payout until you get a call from their lawyer after they are cold.
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    Jan 04, 2013 2:58 AM GMT
    WickedRyan saidHere is some advice.Never do anything for anyone because they claim to have you in their will....


    It's also the totally wrong reason to do something. It's a cold and calculated financial transaction without hard commitment at that point.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Jan 04, 2013 3:09 AM GMT
    Musicman91 saidThere is this elderly woman who lives on my street, her name is Louisa. She is a very nice woman she has 2 sons who my mother grew up with. Her one son passed away in a car accident about 8 years ago and her other son lives an hour and half away but never visits her not even on holidays. My mom says he was always a spoiled jerk. I've always thought Louisa was cool she is very funny and very open minded as well. I have gotten very close with her in recent years. I always go to her house and cook her dinner and hang out with her for a few hours everyday. On the weekend I take her out to dinner and then to a movie or out shopping. When it is nice out we go for a walk for ice cream. She is really just a hoot and always asks if I have a boyfriend.

    Well she took a nasty fall on Monday and hit her head and broke her hip. She was hospitalized and was unconscious. I was really scared but thankfully she has regained consciousness. Her memory is fine but she is still pretty weak from her fall. She told me she wants to see her son. I got in contact with him to come see her and he said no. I explained she wanted to see him and he still said no.

    I really don't know what to do. If I tell her she will be heart broken. Part of me wants to drive out to see him and try to get him to come and/or kick his ass but it definitely wouldn't help if I did. I just feel like I will be hurting Louisa either way if I tell her he doesn't want to come she'll be upset and if I go out and manage to guilt him into coming and she finds out I dunno.

    Any advice icon_question.gif


    If only there were more people like you this will be a much better world! just keep being her friend/son, and continue being there for her as you have done til today! if she brings up the subject of wanting to see her son, just kinda of shrug, and tell her "I will be your son as long as I am alive. You both already have developed a genuine love and affection for each other, so I am sure that both of you will be happy to re-affirm that sentiment to each other.

    I am touched! beautiful story!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2013 3:10 AM GMT
    It's better to be stuck in a rut than stuck in the gut.
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:20 AM GMT
    About all this "getting written into the will" talk...

    I'm always nice to old people, particularly neighbors, almost always with children, giving them free passes after 90 in that I feel at and beyond that age they can be absolutely right about almost everything. Recently a friend of mine who'd moved expressed concern over an 80 year old woman I met once because Hurricane Sandy knocked out her power and she was discharged from the hospital on oxygen; without being asked I drove by during the gas shortage to see if she needed to come over and use our generator. A few months before that for someone else who was in acute care for weeks I'd bake cookies and bring them to the hospital staff (both shifts) crediting her family as PR for them given some of their verbal altercations to hopefully ensure better care. I never have expectations, nor got anything from an old person, I don't think even a cup of coffee. Years before I moved here my neighbor, now about 54, inherited the back forty (in Long Island, not Wyoming) behind her from the old lady who'd lived there, and the rental alone covered private school and college for all three of her kids. At some point she'll sell it to a developer who'll subdivide it. In this neighborhood, in any market, that's big money. Maybe that's motivation for some of you to be nice to old people, but it sure never worked for me. You do what you can because it's the right thing, or it feels right.