Can the quest for emotional security make it harder to find something longterm?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2013 2:35 PM GMT
    I would love to find one guy and be happy with him. Not saying that I'm looking for something that has to last forever, but I prefer comfort over variety. For a couple of years though I have been caught in multiple situations where I like a guy, who likes me too.....but also likes a couple of other people. It's really tough to make someone a priority when they only consider you an option.

    I have noticed lately that I flirt with lots of guys, and I do this because I have had such disappointing results investing emotionally in just one guy. So if I talk to a guy and he seems to be acting funny or drifting away, I instantly have another one who can occupy a similar space in my life.

    This definitely isn't the way that I pictured myself and it's becoming difficult because I feel like there are guys out there that are really into, so I should be able to commit to them. I bet two years ago I could have done so easily, but now it's much harder because Ironically, I like the emotional stability that comes from having multiple prospects
  • Dominican_Gen...

    Posts: 379

    Jan 03, 2013 3:57 PM GMT
    Perhaps it's time for the boy to step out of the candy shop.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Jan 03, 2013 4:10 PM GMT
    derikuman, this is something only you can do, but if the problem is making a choice, I'd let chaos take the reigns. Gather up the list, and number it. Roll a die and give that person a try.
  • Artdoorsman

    Posts: 31

    Jan 03, 2013 4:26 PM GMT
    Stop trying. period. Stop hunting, stop searching, stop flirting, and give up. I was in your situation not too long ago and I was in it for a few years.
    Essentially what is happening is that you're searching for someone to satisfy you, to keep you stable and sane and save you from loneliness. The truth is, you won't be able to be in an emotionally stable relationship with anyone until you're able to be in an emotionally stable relationship with yourself.
    When you pull back from hunting and searching, (slowly) you'll start to appreciate your friends more, and you'll be more productive, and you'll be ok being alone and not even think about it as aloneness. When you're finally cool with not waiting and searching for someone to give you meaning you will know it and, like me, you will be much happier.
    When you're happy and confident and not needing someone to complete you people will notice and while you might not get a boyfriend right away because of that, it won't matter because you won't need a boyfriend to make you happy.

    This sounds hypocritical coming from a man who frequents the adult chat room, but trust me, I'm not hoping to find a boyfriend on here, I just like talking to other gay guys, and if I end up actually meeting one of them thats cool too.

    Enjoy your life

    -Kevin
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Jan 03, 2013 4:39 PM GMT
    No offense, but wanting multiple prospects doesn't represent emtional security, but its opposite. Anyone will tell you emotional security begins on the inside and works its way out. And it's not only compatible with long term, it's pretty much a requirement.

    I hate to pull the age card but I think that's the root of a lot of what you're experiencing. Maybe maturity is a better word since years don't always confer it, and there are guys your age who have it in spades ( a minority, though.)

    Be patient and don't burn yourself out. Date, keep it light. Experience lots of different people and through them, different sides of yourself. You're fine where you're at.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2013 4:45 PM GMT
    Face it, you're a cam whore!
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Jan 03, 2013 4:45 PM GMT
    I feel you. For the past few years, I've been hoping to find a man to share my life with to no avail. It hasn't worked out with several people and it's left me feeling defeated time and again. The most recent experience just ended less than two weeks ago.

    I think one has to focus on oneself to find that emotional security. No other person is going to grant that for you. It certainly won't come from chasing after multiple partners. That drama is just going to eat you whole. You have to become happy with yourself, find that emotional stability on your own, before someone can come into your life and have a healthy relationship with you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2013 4:55 PM GMT
    It took me until the last sentence to realize what any of it had to do with emotional security.

    It's interesting to me that you consider having a backup guy, like a life vest, as security. The way I would see it, lining up a backup guy is an act born of insecurity.

    Let me ask you, if you had no other guys and were dating someone and it wasn't going well, what would you opt for: stay with him until you find someone better or break up and be alone?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2013 5:09 PM GMT
    "quest for emotional security"
    "find something"

    The way you word it, you are not really looking for a person.
    And you are interested in what they can bring on the table more than concerned about what you can offer.

    What you are looking for, you can only find it inside yourself.

    When you find it, you will become relationship material.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2013 5:24 PM GMT
    minox said"quest for emotional security"
    "find something"

    The way you word it, you are not really looking for a person.
    And you are interested in what they can bring on the table more than concerned about what you can offer.

    What you are looking for, you can only find it inside yourself.

    When you find it, you will become relationship material.


    Now THAT is something to think about!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2013 5:49 PM GMT
    unfounded7 saidFace it, you're a cam whore!


    I sir, am a lady.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jan 03, 2013 5:50 PM GMT
    DEKIRUMAN saidIt's really tough to make someone a priority when they only consider you an option.

    I have noticed lately that I flirt with lots of guys, and I do this because I have had such disappointing results investing emotionally in just one guy. So if I talk to a guy and he seems to be acting funny or drifting away, I instantly have another one who can occupy a similar space in my life.

    I like the emotional stability that comes from having multiple prospects

    Interesting how the first sentence quoted is sort of a mirror image of the last sentence.

    Emotional intimacy, which is more than just sex of any kind, is scary because it involves an investment of time and emotional energy and possibly even commitment. And, yeah, you don't want to get ripped off.

    It seems to me that many men, not just gay ones but we're talking about gay men because we identify as such, fear intimacy and commitment. I see guys talking about sex and talking about relationships but seldom talking about intimacy and commitment -- as if a relationship can happen without them. Why is that?
  • Aodhan

    Posts: 3828

    Jan 03, 2013 8:26 PM GMT
    Just marry me already, sorted! icon_razz.gif
  • thadjock

    Posts: 2183

    Jan 04, 2013 12:10 AM GMT
    DEKIRUMAN said I like the emotional stability that comes from having multiple prospects


    i think you're confusing schizophrenia with emotional stability
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2013 12:30 AM GMT
    thadjock said
    DEKIRUMAN said I like the emotional stability that comes from having multiple prospects


    i think you're confusing schizophrenia with emotional stability
    I think you're confusing Schizophrenia with Dissociative Identidy Disorder.icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2013 2:39 AM GMT
    What I like to do is just date one person at a time. Like even if it's a first date, I won't accept any other dates or chat with other guys until I've decided whether I like the first guy or not. This way, I don't have to deal with the anxiety of choosing between guys - or, I get the pleasure of being dumped in sequential order. This has worked very well for me. It allows me to focus all my energy on the one guy I'm dating, and that makes for a much more positive, emotionally invested experience. Also, if I suspect the other guy likes to date multiple guys and play the field while dating me, most likely I won't meet up with him. I need someone on my own wavelength.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2013 2:40 AM GMT
    The quest for emotional security is a catch phrase for saying "emotionally unstable."