Alone and lost.. =/

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 03, 2013 11:39 PM GMT
    Hi guys. Not sure if this appropriate for the general section, but I feel I need to post what I'm going through and perhaps get wise advice. I moved far away from my hometown this previous summer, becoming distant from my old friends and even family. I had a blast over the summer, meeting new people primarily by going out.

    When fall arrived, things settled and I started hanging out with this boy I met. He's the main guy I did things with such as go out to dinner, movies, any activities...which I love being I have someone to cherish that with verse being alone. Thing is, I am not into him how he's into me. In October I told him I just want to be friends, and this is when the drama began. He told me he can't ever be my friend unless we are more than that...which killed me. This resulted in emotional texts back and forth along with several in person. We have had at least 5 different fights after going out and me resisting on going back home with him(Prude much?icon_neutral.gif)

    I have no idea what to do. He's the only close person in my life and I think I'm loosing him. This past month has been so crappy, working and being alone on the holidays but with NYE, I was so excited to finally have a good time and go out. I went out to dinner with Mr.Boy, even though he was mad at me for not going home with him the night before. I was in such a great mood trying to make the night a good one for both of us. The night was going great until we pregamed. I quickly took shots of whiskey before the taxi arrived. When we arrived at the club, I was drunk. Got my ticket. Did coat check. Lost my ticket. Tried to sneak by. And long story short, I was tackled by 2 bouncers and thrown outside. Brought in 2013 on the sidewalk alone, bloody and bruised and pissed at the world. So much for a refreshed new year. I sent awful texts to Mr.Boy and he said I was being aggressive with the bouncers which is why they f***ed me up, which isn't like me at all. Next day, Mr.Boy told me he needs time away from me which is completely understandable.

    I need to change...chill on the partying and meet good quality people. Volunteer perhaps. I'm just sooo socially awkward, I hate it. I am much better 1-1 with a person but when it's a group of unfamiliar people, I freeze and get awkward for some reason. I am even nervous talking to guys I find attractive, what is wrong with me!? I feel like I'm a boring person with no hobbies or current goals. Just floating through lifeicon_neutral.gif I am considering on getting up and moving again, just because I have nothing going on here for me, however I am trying to gain residency to go back to school. I would love to travel where my heart desires, but I also want to build healthy relationships to retain throughout my life which won't happen if I'm always on the move by myself. Perhaps this is how life is meant to be for myself, alone. I think about it and I feel okay with that but I also know there is more to life spending it with others. Ugh idk. Anyways thanks for reading, I would like to add more details but the library is kicking me out. Cheers.



  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Jan 03, 2013 11:53 PM GMT
    I hear you. I'm going thru something similar as you, so I can relate. I moved away from home (Baltimore) to restart my life in NYC about 6 months ago. I want to pursue more filmmaking opportunities. I've been undergoing growing pains ever since--Getting work, meeting new people, dating, and such.

    I underwent thru something similar right after I moved. I met a guy and we hooked up and dated very quickly. I wasn't too much into him, but I liked him a lot as a friend. We have somehow managed to stay friends after undergoing drama and a couple of fights. Now, it's looking like I'm forging a good friendship with him. We date other people and still support each other as friends.

    The only advice I can give you is to hang in there, and see if your guy will turn into a true friend. It's going to be his choice. If his feelings are too strong for you, he will have to disconnect from you, so please understand that if it happens. You need to prioritize your basic needs--work, and figuring out what you want to do with your life. Like me, you're probably not ready for a relationship right now. Just make friends and have fun.

    I want to congratulate you for uprooting yourself and starting anew. It's truly a mark of an enterprising spirit. You took a chance and made a big move. Now, you must grow strong as you settle in your new city and make a new set of acquaintances. I wish you the best of luck. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2013 1:42 AM GMT
    Expand your social circle so that you can develop a broader and deeper support network.

    Meetups are a great way to meet guys outside of the drug-addict/alcoholic-drama infested bar/club scene.

    Also, don't go/stay where you're not supposed to go/stay.

    Bouncers/Librarians are there for a reason.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:39 AM GMT
    If Mr. Boy can't settle his feelings for you, then he'll have to avoid you until such time as the feelings pass or he has someone even more incredible in his romantic sphere.

    You're trying to get him to respect you as a friend when he clearly doesn't want to be your friend, he wants to be your lover.

    This doesn't usually end with you both being good friends. Sorry.
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:47 AM GMT
    First off OP if you move again you will find yourself repeating what you did on this move. Being nervous to talk to anyone you find attractive is normal, if you were not nervous then you would not be human.

    Jimmy gave some good insight on Mr. Boy.

    Gamrican has good advice on expanding your social network. You can do that through several avenues. Volunteering is one thing or you can take up a sport in a city league. Keep in mind that not all your relationships need to be gay orientated. Sometimes just finding what you like to do as a hobby can bring some interesting social interactions.
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    Jan 04, 2013 6:13 AM GMT
    I get how you feel.

    I'm a college freshman and live on dorm, so I had to make new friends as well. But when my exams finished, I was Mr. Party everyday over the holidays and realized I need to tone it down a few notches as well.

    I realized being in a new environment, I need to ground my self first and have stability to come to at the end of the night before I start getting rowdy and decide to be adventurous.

    By stability I mean a nice warm clean room, good friends who'll stand by you, and a commitment of some sort not related to love (work or school or volunteering like you mentioned).

    As for Mr. Boy, I would tell him the truth. I truly believe honesty is the best policy no matter how much you feel like you shouldn't. If you seriously tell him that you need time to adjust to your new life and all you're looking for are just some new friends in your new life, his reaction will tell you what kind of person he will be to you.

    If he leaves or just say okay but distances himself, then he isn't going to be useful when you actually need him anyways. But if he reassures you that he understands and will back off and be your good friend then you've got a true friend!
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 04, 2013 6:19 AM GMT
    1. If your friend wants more of a relationship but you don't then you need to part ways for a very long while, like maybe a year or more. Your friend needs a long cool off period away from you to become interested in some one else. And you need the time to look for other friends. As hard as being alone or going out alone feels it is way better than to be in a dysfunctional relationship.
    2. Relationships/friendships usually don't happen overnight so give yourself some time .. and being introverted that's probably going to mean lots of time, like maybe a year or more. Get a job where single people work, this means places like the mall and restaurants. There are two advantages to this, it allows you to become comfortable with dealing with the public so in essence helps you to relate with people and two, you are more likely to make friends. If you meet someone at work that interest you don't be afraid to ask them if they would like to grab a drink after work. NOTE: I said 'A' drink, NOT party all night long, you are trying to get to know people and make friends, not party all night long, that comes later after you've made friends.
    3. Read some self help books on communicating with others, they will help put you at ease with talking with others and give a point of reference of things you can talk about.
    4. I know I told you to ask someone out for a drink, but you may have the type of personality that can on monitor and control how much you drink and drug. This happens with introverts, because when you drink you loose your inhibitions, so you feel you are better able to meet people. Unfortunately, you don't realize that people will either fall into the bottle with your or judge you to be someone they don't want to know because they drink too much. So if you find that you really can't seem to control how much you drink because once you take one, you just want more, then your really should not drink. Smoke a doob and drink water or soda pop instead. And what ever you do, do not both drink alcohol and smoke weed, it intensifies the alcohol effects way to much and way to fast.
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    Jan 04, 2013 11:43 PM GMT
    A couple observations:
    1.You don't say where you are - some mythical Metropolis?

    2. I get the impression (you did not say) that you slept with "Mr. Boy" already, but don't want to do it anymore. If that's the case, you have been leading him on, by not telling him that "you are not into him." You'll be accumulating bad karma for that. But whether or not you have been sleeping with him, you really have to tell him that you are not into him sexually. He may drop you as a buddy, may not, or may drop you for a while and come back. That's up to him.

    3. Like Gamrican said, expand your social circle - Force yourself to go out where you might meet other people (not only young gay men, but including them.)

    4. You sound like you have a drinking problem. Be honest with yourself - only you can tell. If you do, it only gets far worse with time. If you can't limit yourself to one drink per every hours or two, then don't drink at all.

    5. You will make it. The present is not your future.
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    Jan 04, 2013 11:51 PM GMT
    Honestly, I sympathize with Mr. Boy. He told you how he felt, and if you didn't feel the same way, you should have ended it right then and there... not continued to spend time with him. That's called giving someone false hope--leading them on. I've been the victim of this many times, and it's just terrible. People should know better.

    Find new friends, try new things, and move on. Consider moving back home if things are bad enough.
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    Jan 05, 2013 10:20 PM GMT
    I appreciate the replies guys.

    PR_GMR- Thanks for sharing. It's great you guys still maintain a healthy relationship with each other. I'm indeed in the process of figuring out my future...what I want it to become. I wish you the best of luck in filming, the big apple is a great place! I want to travel but at the same time nestle in the city I'm living in now. Things will be so much better after I establish some good people in my life.

    I plan on expanding my social circle. I've considered joining meetup to make connections...just I feel odd showing up to an event all alone without knowing anybody, but gotta start somewhere I suppose. I am indeed starting off in a new environment, finally cleaned and organized my apartment and now its on to the next step...which is going to be a big one.
    Thanks AMH, good advice to take in. Its been a dysfunctional relationship indeed and it takes time for healthy relationships to evolve. I actually plan on taking out self-help books today. Also I will start seeing if people want to hangout side of the work place and away from alcohol and partying. I got that doob in hand ;)

    The most difficult and obvious advice out of the replies is that one-sided romantic relationship can't revolve into solely a meaning friendship. As hard as it is to take in, it is unhealthy to only hold him as a friend when he clearly wants more. I never knew how crappy this is for the person in love with the other. This is the first time I dated and never experienced such...though I do feel the same pain. I question if I should just date him being I love him as a person, just not really sexually attracted to him. But I think that would be so wrong of me. Yesterday, he texted me basically saying how its killing him us being apart like this, and only if I was his boyfriend. Then it turned into texts of our 'forever goodbyes'. Then late late in the night he sent super sweet texts saying how he wants me to be his superman and hold him to let him know everything will be alright. This really gave me hope we could be somewhat OK again. But when I woke up he was again bitter and told me to never text him again.

    Perhaps I should take the initiative of not speaking to him and just move on. Just I love and miss him so much. He's the only person in my life I can go to. Now I am again alone starting over and not sure where to start. It's scary not having an agenda or things to look forward to. I want to travel. Quit my joke of a job, break my lease, and just go. At the same time, I know I will miss what I left behind. Have some big decisions ahead. Thanks for the replies guys, I will take it with a grain of salt.

    Thanks again for the replies, its nice to have others to talk to about this situation. Good day!icon_wink.gif

  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 05, 2013 10:36 PM GMT
    Damn, this thread is like 3 chapters to a novel!

    tl;dr
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 05, 2013 10:43 PM GMT
    =( ill be ur friend. why'd you move do you have something else to focus on besides your social life. Every in nyc gets by with no social life in the winter cuz we are all workaholics.
  • BoostToChase

    Posts: 103

    Jan 05, 2013 10:57 PM GMT
    It is very hard to be friends with someone when one person wants more than the other person. I am currently going through something similar (kind of), except I'm in your friend's shoes. You can't lead him on with false hopes or you will just perpetuate the situation, and he won't hang out with you as a friend until he has had some time and space to get over it. Rather, he'll always see a glimmer of hope until something changes his perspective. So give him time and space, and be as nice about it as you can be while remaining honest.

    You may or may not be friends afterwards, but it'll be much less emotionally draining for you both until then.
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    Jan 05, 2013 11:01 PM GMT
    Ahw, thanks brokeNYCartisticon_wink.gif I actually left NY, hehe but if I was still there I would say lets go shoppppping! Lol. I actually moved out of NY for better lifestyle(coming out), climate, and things to do! The winter indeed stinks, everyone is stuck indoors! It's been tough, but I don't regret anything. I miss my family so much but I can't see myself moving back and being happy. Anyways, I need to cherish life rather than all of the negatives because its a beautiful thing! Much love <3
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    Jan 05, 2013 11:05 PM GMT
    BoostToChase saidIt is very hard to be friends with someone when one person wants more than the other person. I am currently going through something similar (kind of), except I'm in your friend's shoes. You can't lead him on with false hopes or you will just perpetuate the situation, and he won't hang out with you as a friend until he has had some time and space to get over it. Rather, he'll always see a glimmer of hope until something changes his perspective. So give him time and space, and be as nice about it as you can be while remaining honest.

    You may or may not be friends afterwards, but it'll be much less emotionally draining for you both until then.


    True words. Tough to take in but its for the best I suppose. Just need to accept that he won't be part of my life anymore... I hope your situation turns out for the best. Carry on man!
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    Jan 05, 2013 11:17 PM GMT
    The OP's profile is very minimal, and it's unclear to me what he actually needs. Perhaps if he could express with more detail his requirements we could help him a bit more. icon_question.gif
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    Jan 05, 2013 11:18 PM GMT
    When I say I have been through alot like that, believe me I have.

    I think the first thing you need to learn, is learn that it's okay to be alone sometimes. It really is. We as humans are ingranied to believe we are not worth much in life unless we have a plethora of people hanging around us.
    But thats just not true, I often find most people who cannot be alone are the ones who ended up being so desperate for someone they get used and abused..among other things.

    It's okay to want friends and people you love, to be around and do things with, but your not bad or anything negative if that's not the reality right now.

    I am alone alot, I live in Alabama and all ..literally all my guy friends left me when I came out and I was teased so badly by my fam that I pushed them out. But I know I am a good person, and so I am working on appreciating myself and learning that I am not alone, there are some people who love me, even when I dont think so...and I know how you can feel lonely when people are not physically there, but the reality is no one will be with you forever. No One. People coming in and out of your life constantly. And thats why you learn to be okay with being alone and independent.

    I know sometimes I feel bad when Im by myself so I write it down. I turned it into some stories and books and they are coming out,

    I write, draw, read, watch tv, surf the net, and talk on the phone to people I care about, then I may get with them and go out.

    No one can find you, but yourself, and no one can save you from being alone. The more you dwell on it the harder it will be. I promise you.

    Moving can help, which is what I plan to do, because Alabama is prolly the worst state in the US for gays, but I still know I have to work on me.

    Try to get out there and meet people. Build some courage, go where gay people will be and introduce yourself. I know thats what I am trying to do.

    You will be fine, just remember your not the only one, and that it takes time.

    I posted something like this the first day I joined RJ, titled would you move away for happiness, but I realized that Happiness starts with me.
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    Jan 05, 2013 11:20 PM GMT