Dating a Partner who isn't that health conscious.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2013 8:13 AM GMT
    Has anyone here got any experience with dating a guy who isn't really that health conscious. I've always believed that the most important things in a relationship for me are understanding, trust, common interests, chemistry (including sex), empathy and support. I've never listed having a great body or being very health conscious as a criteria, just a bonus I guess.

    It sometimes gets frustrating for example in a recent trip when we both had tight budgets and he would choose the cheapest food eg fish and chips whereas I wouldn't mind paying $40 for a good steak and vegies if that was the only healthy option around. Sometimes I also find my life is centered around gym times and eating at regular times, which differ from his and sometimes we eat our meals at different times.

    My partner is a little bit overweight, not obese or anything but I also do worry about his health in the long term. He doesn't eat bad, just not regularly and does not have a good knowledge of nutrition. I'm not the type of person to try and 'change' someone and even when I have tried, it doesn't rub in everyday.

    I know it's not a biggie, as there are much more important things. Anyone got any words of wisdom?
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    Jan 04, 2013 8:24 AM GMT
    It's a gray area. You're going to get responses in this thread along the lines of "I only look for compatible people who share my healthy eating and exercise habits and if they don't share that with me we won't be a match and can't date".

    You'll get these responses, from single guys who don't know shit.

    When you're in an actual real relationship you don't fall in love with a man's laundry list of attributes. You fall in love with the person, the whole person, entirely. You don't love someone despite their flaws. You love them for them. This is a concept that will be extremely hard for a lot of people to understand until they are face to face with what it means.
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    Jan 04, 2013 8:35 AM GMT
    Try to think of the future with this guy.

    My first roommate was a compulsive snacker and always kept unhealthy food around the house. When I'm hungry I typically eat anything around me and it is so tempting to eat his food >_> even though its really bad for me... think of those package cakes.He would complain that I'm always at the gym and was never around for "bro" stuff, roommate things. He was not athletic and did not care about his health as much as I did... anyway, it did not end well, simply because he was just so different.

    I'm not sure if you are living with him, but if you are not, can you imagine living with him? If not, then you are barking up the wrong alley. Some people may think I'm stupid and vain for suggesting that you should break up with him based on his diet and exercise choices... but ultimately, if relationships work, you will end up living with each other. If his diet is dramatically different than yours along with his exercise habits... this is will lead to a lot of stress when you move in together. Exercise can be a fun thing that couples do together, and the 1-3 hours you spend a day at the gym could be spent with a guy that loves you and cares about his body, cooking a meal together is also a great time for bonding.

    You say that "common interests" is an important part of a relationship. Well diet and exercise falls into that category. What an individual does becomes who they are.

    But the thing is, this is the real world. You sometimes have to accept the people you love for what they are. You just have to look around you, on balance, do these quirks, whatever they may be, outweigh the joy and happiness he gives you? Once the answer is a "YES" for a very very long time, you should consider separating. If the answer is "NO," stay with him. Love him for his gifts and talents and nurture him when he is down and sick. It is the true test of love.

    EDIT: Sometimes it is the quirks you fall in love with. My first boyfriend was a total klutz and spilled acid (hydrochloric) on me one day and I had to strip off in the middle of a lab and shower. Our first at-dorm dinner together involved him trying to put salt in the some sauce only to have the entire lid fall off... our first time in bed resulted in a bloody nose >_> Anyway, quirks can be a good thing. Sex is EASY to find, a guy you can build a relationship with... rare. A guy who supports you? Rare. Do these habits of his outweigh the support and love he gives you?
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    Jan 04, 2013 8:36 AM GMT
    Narciso saidIt's a gray area. You're going to get responses in this thread along the lines of "I only look for compatible people who share my healthy eating and exercise habits and if they don't share that with me we won't be a match and can't date".

    You'll get these responses, from single guys who don't know shit.

    When you're in an actual real relationship you don't fall in love with a man's laundry list of attributes. You fall in love with the person, the whole person, entirely. You don't love someone despite their flaws. You love them for them. This is a concept that will be extremely hard for a lot of people to understand until they are face to face with what it means.


    Not only a real response, but one I totally agree with...


    WOW, there really is a first time for everything.

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    Jan 04, 2013 12:50 PM GMT
    Narciso saidIt's a gray area. You're going to get responses in this thread along the lines of "I only look for compatible people who share my healthy eating and exercise habits and if they don't share that with me we won't be a match and can't date".

    You'll get these responses from single guys who don't know shit.

    When you're in an actual real relationship you don't fall in love with a man's laundry list of attributes. You fall in love with the person, the whole person, entirely. You don't love someone despite their flaws. You love them for them. This is a concept that will be extremely hard for a lot of people to understand until they are face to face with what it means.
    Preach.

    #endofthread
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    Jan 04, 2013 1:20 PM GMT
    To the OP - you have every right to be concerned about your partner's health in the long term. Because it's the long term that will determine your relationship outlook whether good, bad or in-between....hopefully, it's all good!

    I do not like talking about my job but I feel it's warranted in this case. I'm a healthcare professional and I can't tell you the number of times the awful conditions I see patients are in due to improper nutrition. Diabetic ulcers, strokes, heart attacks, people who look 10 to 20 years older than they appear to be, you name it! Some of these people were given a 2nd chance but for many, the health damage is permanent and it's their families/significant others who must also deal with it. Overall, the relationship is NOT the same!

    For me personally, I wouldn't object to dating someone who is overweight because as Narciso said, it's about loving the guy for the guy. However, I would do my best to help the him understand the value of our relationship....and whether or not the long-term consequences of improper nutrition is worth the risk to change that value.
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    Jan 04, 2013 1:26 PM GMT
    I can empathise with you OP. My partner has become increasingly unhealthy over the last few years, with considerable weight gain,etc. It's nice to know that I'm not alone (as fit guys who are with other fit guys can't really understand). *hugs*
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 04, 2013 2:07 PM GMT
    Your bf sounds like my bf!!! My bf hates working out and eating healthy, but I force him to, anyway. It's a win win for me, because he actually feels better afterwards, and even somehow gives himself all the credit for being motivated. Ha! He would be such a slob without me. Our best workout is fucking. I can be insatiable, and I usually wear him the fuck out.icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:01 PM GMT
    Unless he actively derails, sabotages and/or berates your healthy lifestyle, having to summon up a little more willpower when there's junk food in the house or sharing a pizza once a month to maintain common interests is a small price to pay for a relationship. There are a lot of vegans with non-vegan spouses (and children) - they manage to cope.

    If you think things are incompatible now try throwing a dinner party in 30 years. I recently had one where everyone was on a different diet or had a different health issue so one would need to be kosher, another vegan, yet another organic, this one's allergic to dairy, that one's allergic to gluten, he has GERD so nothing acidic, she's diabetic so no sugar, he's a heart patient so no fat, she's salad only 'cause she's bulemic but likes to put on a good show. Don't even get me started on the grass-fed, cage free, free range, ocean versus farmed crowd. I felt like a freakin' airline. Or running an ALF. But heck, you should be consulting me - you're the dietician.

    Also, people change. Within five years he can get a wake up call and get super healthy or you could fall totally off the wagon - you wouldn't be the first.

    P.S. - Where the hell do you dine where the only "healthy" option is a $40 steak?
  • Lunastar

    Posts: 328

    Jan 04, 2013 5:03 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidYour bf sounds like my bf!!! My bf hates working out and eating healthy, but I force him to, anyway. It's a win win for me, because he actually feels better afterwards, and even somehow gives himself all the credit for being motivated. Ha! He would be such a slob without me. Our best workout is fucking. I can be insatiable, and I usually wear him the fuck out.icon_lol.gif


    God the fucks I would give to be in that threesome icon_evil.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:06 PM GMT
    Am in a similar situation. Wish I had some words of wisdom to offer. It can be really difficult for both of us to be so different when it comes to health values and practices. Like all differences in a relationship, its just a matter of what each of you can tolerate and forgive.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:06 PM GMT
    Ask your partner if he would still like you if you led the same lifestyle.
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:17 PM GMT
    Narciso saidIt's a gray area. You're going to get responses in this thread along the lines of "I only look for compatible people who share my healthy eating and exercise habits and if they don't share that with me we won't be a match and can't date".

    You'll get these responses, from single guys who don't know shit.

    When you're in an actual real relationship you don't fall in love with a man's laundry list of attributes. You fall in love with the person, the whole person, entirely. You don't love someone despite their flaws. You love them for them. This is a concept that will be extremely hard for a lot of people to understand until they are face to face with what it means.



    I want to give Nabisco a patty cake for this tidbit of wisdom.

    Like many things in life, you have your preferences and expectations when seeking a partner, but sometimes it's hard to realize how you let little things get in the way of finding someone great for you. Doesn't take much to reduce your options when you expect your partner to have a certain set of characteristics. You often feel entitled to get what you want and that it's just a matter of fishing through the sea until you find him. But no one ever has it all. What can you live with and what can you live without?

    In the end, it's not your place to say how someone should live their life. If you're truly worried about something, there's no harm in talking about it as long as you're willing to hear him out and refrain from judgment. Or maybe you can choose to lead by example and see if he catches on.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Jan 04, 2013 5:21 PM GMT
    you could try cooking for one another. If you get snacks ready that work for the both of you, then you're already a few steps closer to harmony.
  • Import

    Posts: 7193

    Jan 04, 2013 5:28 PM GMT
    just telll him u dont like eating shit and u prefer healthy eating options. .

    dont make it such a bitch fest...
    Maybe ur bf doesn't wanna go through the whole "sit down and have a fuckin steak" come to me every meal.... mayb he wants to grab n go?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:41 PM GMT
    I agree with what alot of people have said here and it's very comforting to read because I'm not particularly health conscious myself.
    I exercise here and there if I've had a particularly decadent week, but that's the extent of it mostly.

    I agree with what Narciso said about some people who in a way exclusively seek out other people with the exact same interests. At the end of the day, to each their own of course, but I read these and sometimes think "basically you wanna go out with yourself".

    One thing about change is that it has to be wanted.
    You can't force change on someone and he's an adult, he'll make the decisions he wants. Maybe he see's it a little patronising even if it is in the name of bettering his own health.

    At the end of the day, if you feel this is something that you really can't let go of then you need to have a good sit down conversation with him and lay it out there. You might end up coming up with compromises (that goes both ways) in helping address issues in the relationship such as this one. You might discover that there might be a deeper issue at heart. I'm only saying this to be safe, but you don't want to let this get to the point where you begin to resent him for his lifestyle choices. That's unhealthy for everyone and often big problems start from small issues that are left unresolved and uncommunicated (if that's a word lol).

    Anyway I sincerely wish you all the best.
  • great_scott

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    Jan 04, 2013 5:55 PM GMT
    As with anything else, if it's not really a deal-breaker, just let it go.
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    Jan 04, 2013 6:01 PM GMT
    Never date anyone who is not healthier than you and pushing themselves harder than you do. Trust me on this.
  • TheAlchemixt

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    Jan 04, 2013 6:48 PM GMT
    If you're making healthy food for yourself then why don't you make healthy food for two. I eat just about anything but If I had a partner who had healthy food prepared for me already then I'd eat just that. Just make your guy wash the dishes afterwards, it's only fair.
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    Jan 04, 2013 7:16 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidNever date anyone who is not healthier than you and pushing themselves harder than you do. Trust me on this.

    Why is that? I do really want to know.
    Its like saying don't date a guy who isn't more intelligent/rich/interesting/you can insert more adjectives here. I wonder what makes physical fitness hold position way above the other adjectives that I have already mentioned.
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    Jan 04, 2013 7:21 PM GMT
    While I prefer someone of the same mind-set as me when it comes to diet and training, I'd be ok if he wasn't into the same. IF there was a high degree in compatibility in other ways AND he wasn't a constant distraction/interruption to what I was doing.
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    Jan 04, 2013 7:22 PM GMT
    Yeah my Boyfriend is big in food service. He LOVES to cook and his specialty is in pastry. and I love his cooking so that was a terrible combination (in the beginning) lol

    There were small issues in the beginning because i'd asked to meet a little later because I needed more time to train for karate and stay on my daily workout routines and he didn't understand why.

    One day he realized he couldn't fit his jeans anymore and seeing me train hard in a way inspired him to try as well. So he started insanity in october and now getting ready for round 2 and then he plan to come to planet fitness with me.

    Perhaps just encourage him that if he needs help you'll be there and wait for him. hope that helps icon_biggrin.gif
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 04, 2013 7:23 PM GMT
    TellMeMoar saidWhile I prefer someone of the same mind-set as me when it comes to diet and training, I'd be ok if he wasn't into the same. IF there was a high degree in compatibility in other ways AND he wasn't a constant distraction/interruption to what I was doing.


    Would you be attracted to a guy who had no muscle definition?
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    Jan 04, 2013 7:24 PM GMT
    I think this is a wonderful discussion. Not only in terms of physical health, but mental health as well.

    It's good that you already have an outlook of not trying to change him. I think a discussion is definitely the best way to go. It sounds like you aren't concerned with his appearance, but rather his ability to live the longest, healthiest life possible. Just explain to him that you love him and want him to just be healthy so you two can be together as long as possible.

    Try and think about your limits as well. What you are willing to take responsibility for and how patient you can be. I dated a guy who was depressed at different times in our relationship. It was really hard to balance how much I tried to help him and how much I had to let him help himself.

    Personally, I try to take responsibility for everyone's eating habits. Mostly that's probably a result of my own insecurities. Eventually I had to stop trying to take care of his eating habits (which I think was a result of the mental health issues). It would frustrate me and I would take it out on him...which was the TOTAL opposite of what I was trying to do.

    So just be sure to be open and honest with him, while at the same time checking back in with yourself and how you are handling the situation.
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    Jan 04, 2013 7:32 PM GMT
    Besides, there's no guarantee that a "healthy" lifestyle will make you live longer. Healthy people still get cancer and other diseases from unknown/freak causes. In turn, some people with unhealthy habits have been known to live a long-ass time, lol.