Things were going super well, now he disappears, help!

  • linvect96

    Posts: 22

    Jan 04, 2013 3:00 PM GMT
    I met a guy about 2 months ago and we really hit it off, with so much in common and really good chemistry. Went on a number of dates, texted almost every day or every other day. The holidays and everything were a pain because of travel, but we managed to stay in touch. He had started to say things like "wish you were here" and we had slept together but no sex. We hadn't discussed any expectations or anything, other than at the very beginning that we were open to a dating situation if it worked out.

    He is always with his friends and has flaked out on me a few times because of other plans, but I've never let it get to me because he always makes up for it and it hasn't been that long. We were supposed to get together when we both got back to town, but he flaked out on that (had a late dinner and said was tired), then was busy the next few days with New Years' activities (didn't wish me a Happy New Year or communicate at all even though he said he would).

    The last I spoke to him was early this week over chat; at one point he stopped participating in the convo and left, and we haven't spoken since. It seems like everything was going 'hot' and then all of a sudden went cold. I've decided NOT to reach out to him for now because I had made it clear that I wanted to hang out and he basically couldn't make it happen a few times, so I think it's up to him to come to me now. Otherwise I will risk appearing clingy or like I have lots of expectations, and I don't want to be rejected again. I'm really angry though because we haven't hung out in 2 weeks because of the holidays and I really was looking forward to seeing him upon returning, and now we're not even talking for a few days. Thoughts?

    Many thanks for any insights
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Jan 04, 2013 3:20 PM GMT
    Sounds like a classic case of 'He's not that much into you.'. I hate to say this, but it's very likely over. He's just lost interest. There could be hundreds of reasons: He's working a lot... He has other things in mind.. He has issues... He started seeing someone else, etc. Bottom line: He lost interest. Don't chase and don't do the 'clingy' thing.

    The best you could do here is send him a message expressing you would like to see him again. After that, don't contact again and do your best to move on with your life. I know--Easier said than done. But such is life.
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    Jan 04, 2013 3:21 PM GMT
    There may be a possibility that this guy has some private problems he's dealing with. After all, a lot can happen in 2 weeks apart from each other and perhaps he doesn't want to burden you with what he's going through. My suggestion is to just leave him a message/text stating that you'll be there in case he wants to hang out.

    Now the negative reality of it all! The flaking out scenario you described is a common behavior pattern done by many people, both gay and straight alike. There are many reasons why he's flaking out on you: found another guy, wants to remain single due to school, not ready for a relationship, etc. Regardless of the reason, it's rejection and I'm sorry to say this but this will not be the last time it will happen to you until you find the man of your dreams who will want to spend the rest of his life with you. What I would do is use the experience to build your character. Be a friend to him but at the same time, move on and know that you have options as there are tons of other guys to meet.

    Don't get too hung up on this guy! I'm sure there's another guy out there who's heart you will melt! It's just a matter of finding him! icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 04, 2013 3:27 PM GMT
    linvect96 saidWe hadn't discussed any expectations or anything...


    Expect less, you'll get more. If you truly didn't have expectations then you would appreciate the situation as a gift and would not be disappointed. That's easier said than done.
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    Jan 04, 2013 3:27 PM GMT
    How about you treat him the way he treats you? Bet he'll come running then.
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    Jan 04, 2013 3:29 PM GMT
    Most probably it seems like he met someone in the mean while who is holding his attention more.
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    Jan 04, 2013 3:36 PM GMT
    huhwhat saidHow about you treat him the way he treats you? Bet he'll come running then.

    When building a relationship starts with that, I lose interests. icon_confused.gif
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    Jan 04, 2013 3:45 PM GMT
    I feel ya bro, im in the same situation...the story is a bit different but its like the same things with the stopped talking....to be honest i kinda went overboard and said all that i was feeling for him ...i noticed he seen my messages and still didnt get an answer....guess holidays change people...i recomend lots of sad music and if ur a smoker smoke(helped me) ...soon it will feel better ...and you will move on....i still feel sad about it cuz i dont know where i went wrong...but anyway ...everything happens for a reason...find the meaning in this and you will get over it icon_smile.gif...wish you the best
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 04, 2013 3:49 PM GMT
    You used the right adjective in your first post: "Flake".

    The guy's a flake.

    Cut your losses, move on, find someone who deserves you.
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    Jan 04, 2013 3:49 PM GMT
    i think you have to realize that you can only do so much. you've expressed clear interest and made yourself available to hangout. you can't force things. there's a point of diminishing returns where the more you press, the less likely he is to respond.

    cut the guy some slack since you never know what's going on with him but don't over do it either. it's a balance and it sounds like you're reaching that point but that's something you have to decide for yourself.

    besides, do you really want to be dating or hanging out with someone that isn't interested enough in you to make the effort to see you?
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    Jan 04, 2013 4:01 PM GMT
    Set deal breakers and when someone does one, just end it. People, quite possibly because of the coldness of the internet (I don't know) have become less responsible in their communications and more a class of users with no sense of decorum.
    If you have some sort of line that can not be crossed, you will not have this problem, because when flakes just blindly cross it because that's what flakes do, you drop them because they should be dropped for being flakes and unworthy of your valuable time.
    Quit wasting time on useless flakes and you will find a lot more interesting and nice people and a lot less flaky, alcoholic, addicted, enabler type losers.
    Set some deal breakers, be honest about them and live by them. You may hurt some silly boys feelings, but in the end, you will deal less and less with the morons, the banal and the shallow.
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    Jan 04, 2013 4:03 PM GMT
    _menz0 said
    huhwhat saidHow about you treat him the way he treats you? Bet he'll come running then.

    When building a relationship starts with that, I lose interests. icon_confused.gif


    Isn't that control, the basis for codependency? That behavior only works if you wanna live your life on a volatile roller coaster.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Jan 04, 2013 4:05 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidSet deal breakers and when someone does one, just end it. People, quite possibly because of the coldness of the internet (I don't know) have become less responsible in their communications and more a class of users with no sense of decorum.
    If you have some sort of line that can not be crossed, you will not have this problem, because when flakes just blindly cross it because that's what flakes do, you drop them because they should be dropped for being flakes and unworthy of your valuable time.
    Quit wasting time of useless flakes and you will find a lot more interesting and nice people and a lot less flaky, alcoholic, addicted, enabler type losers.
    Set some deal breakers, be honest about them and live by them. You may hurt some silly boys feelings, but in the end, you will deal less and less with the morons, the banal and the shallow.


    This x100!
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    Jan 04, 2013 4:08 PM GMT
    asnextdoor saidMost probably it seems like he met someone in the mean while who is holding his attention more.


    This. Any day now you're going to get the text, "I kinda started seeing someone seriously now..."

    It happens. It's called dating: testing what's out there before deciding to stick to one person.

    Don't dwell on it. Just accept it and move on. If he was as into you as you are into him he would make the efforts and time to reach out to you.

  • Jan 04, 2013 4:29 PM GMT
    If you're going to send one last text: "it was great meeting you; I enjoyed our time together. All the best for 2013."

    If he doesn't respond, don't give him another thought. His loss.
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    Jan 04, 2013 4:30 PM GMT
    He makes it clear through his actions that he doesn't respect you or your time (the flaking alone is unacceptable). Thus, he doesn't deserve your time/respect in return.
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    Jan 04, 2013 4:40 PM GMT
    I know this guy for the last five years who I dig. Every time we meet up there is good chemistry and he always "clings" for a few days afterward, with texts of his own initiative, and promises to meet up again soon.

    And then he disappears. For months at a time.

    When he reappears I'm clear that it irritates me and that I'm not just looking for a booty call. He agrees.

    And he texts a lot and wants to meet up soon the next few days.

    And then he disappears. For more months.

    Bottom line: You can never twist someone's arm into seeing you. If he wants to see you, he'll make the time, cut the friends loose, lose an hour or two of sleep, whatever it takes.

    My guess is you'll hear from this dude in a few months if you lay low. And likely nothing will change. He'll do the same thing, again.

    The last time I heard from this dude I took a picture of my dog's shit and sent it to him via text with no words. When he wrote back with a question mark, I responded, "this is what I think of you."

    And that's that!
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    Jan 04, 2013 4:43 PM GMT
    FrenchTexanLifter saidIf you're going to send one last text: "it was great meeting you; I enjoyed our time together. All the best for 2013."

    If he doesn't respond, don't give him another thought. His loss.


    Nah. At the point at which he stops messaging you cold turkey in the middle of a conversation, that's the equivalent of hanging up the phone.

    Let it go. He's heard enough from you. And now you've heard enough from him.
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    Jan 04, 2013 4:44 PM GMT
    You are definitely taking the right course in not reaching out.

    The balls in his court now, theres not much you can do.

    I know you don't want to feel rejected, but he obviously doesn't have you very high on his list of priorities.

    I hope you two work it out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2013 4:59 PM GMT
    Plenty of guys are the 'out of sight. out of mind' type. They have a short attention span for the 'here and now' only and are easily distracted by the next shiny queen that crosses their line of sight.
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:08 PM GMT
    Standard protocol. If it's only happened to you once consider yourself lucky.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Jan 04, 2013 5:17 PM GMT
    A year ago I met a guy on vacation, we hit it off, we visited back and forth over the course of a few months and communicated almost daily via Skype. I was really into him, and was willing to give the distance thing a go to see where things went (with him being the one raising the issue of the prospect of us living in the same city). After my last visit where he insisted on flying me down for the weekend and things seeming perfect, he stopped communicating altogether and would not respond to my attempts to see what had happened--not desperate attempts, the first was to see if he was ok, the second to see if we were ok. Nothing.

    Yes, it's very disappointing. And as you mentioned (and as I realized in hindsight) there were signposts along the way that indicated that this would probably be the likely outcome--if only I had paid better attention to them.

    I agree with others here who suggest you cut your losses, learn from the experience, and move on. Everyone does so at his own pace; it's a process after all. It probably doesn't do you any good to find out the reason for his disappearing act, since I doubt it would provide any clarity or resolution. That has to come from within.

    Eventually you will meet someone who is worthy of you, and vice-versa. And you will know it when it happens--without guesswork or games.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:22 PM GMT
    God men are such pussies and shits sometimes. I hate reading about stories like this, it's really saddening.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:25 PM GMT
    Whenever some one is a "flake," all it means is that they're just not that into you. Sorry.
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jan 04, 2013 5:36 PM GMT
    im sorry to break it to you but it seems hes not that into you.
    some people play game, to be honest you deserve better than this, let go and move on!