Friendships you feel are an effort?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:13 PM GMT
    You ever have a friendship you feel as though it is an effort being friends with the person? Many of my friendships lately I feel are becoming efforts.

    For example keeping in touch with the person is a hasstle and I only hear from them if I contact them first. Or making plans is like pulling teeth. Theres always an excuse. And just in general I feel like I have to go out of my way to impress these people and change who I am to be their friends because they're so picky.
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:17 PM GMT
    My best friend and I have been inseparable for 22 years. Being friends with him is a breeze. Friendships shouldn't have to be work.
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:50 PM GMT
    Last real-life friend I made felt like this. When we decided to just not talk anymore it was just a relief for both. There aren't hard feelings but gah just such a chore.

    I get the feeling that it would be like this with anybody new though, in the starting stages until you're more comfortable with them. But that is enough to make me want to not bother with new people.
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    Jan 04, 2013 5:54 PM GMT
    If you feel like it is an effort being friend with someone , it is not a friendship!!
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 04, 2013 5:57 PM GMT
    I think sometimes we mistake friendship with acquaintances
    Friends are actually a little rarer then meeting, knowing and hanging with people.
    People come and go in and out of our lives all the time, some last a little longer than others.
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    Jan 04, 2013 6:50 PM GMT
    Yeah, I'm dealing with this right now with my best friend at work and it's frustrating. I don't know if it's merely a matter of life circumstances (my friend has a family, 2 young kids, and doesn't socialize a whole lot). But he shows me affection sometimes and tells me he loves me. We've known each other almost 2 years, but didn't become friends until probably a year ago. Maybe I'm expecting a stronger friendship from him too soon?

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    Jan 04, 2013 7:16 PM GMT
    SkinnyBitch saidI get the feeling that it would be like this with anybody new though, in the starting stages until you're more comfortable with them. But that is enough to make me want to not bother with new people.
    Spoken like an old man. icon_smile.gif

    But I agree with you.

    I always keep it cool and easy. I will put in an effort but if I sense that I'm the only one doing it, I'll quickly back off and put the ball in the other persons court and sometimes leave it there.
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    Jan 04, 2013 7:27 PM GMT
    I am an old man. My mind is commensurate to my position in the timeline of my lifespan. Making new friends and dealing with the bother of it is something I did in my younger years. There's no point to do it at this stage.
  • Kriss

    Posts: 690

    Jan 04, 2013 7:49 PM GMT
    sometimes I get this feeling alot. What was really depressing was the realization that a majority of my friends moved out of state for school. Our time spent together whittled down to nothing.

    Though I will be honest the fact that some of those same friends I can easily visit over holidays and pick back up where we left of. I think it's just a matter of getting out there and finding people, and like one said knowing the difference between friends and acquaintances.
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    Jan 04, 2013 8:01 PM GMT
    Hmmm...I have a question to axe the posters here that is along those same lines...

    So many years ago while I was in the Marines I became friends with this kid. For about 2-3 years we were BFF and always used to hang out together. We both got out at the same time and went our seperate ways. Now almost 5 years later I'm back in his hometown, Miami.

    I have been here almost 4 months and have made many attempts to hang out with him but he is always "busy". We are Facebook buds and I see that he is going out plenty of times with other people. I know he isn't that busy to spend a few hours together.

    I am seriously considering deleting him from FB, and just ignoring him form now on. Am I being too harsh? I have taken the first 12 steps to reach out to him, but I feel he isn't making an effort.
  • Kriss

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    Jan 04, 2013 8:15 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidHmmm...I have a question to axe the posters here that is along those same lines...

    So many years ago while I was in the Marines I became friends with this kid. For about 2-3 years we were BFF and always used to hang out together. We both got out at the same time and went our seperate ways. Now almost 5 years later I'm back in his hometown, Miami.

    I have been here almost 4 months and have made many attempts to hang out with him but he is always "busy". We are Facebook buds and I see that he is going out plenty of times with other people. I know he isn't that busy to spend a few hours together.

    I am seriously considering deleting him from FB, and just ignoring him form now on. Am I being too harsh? I have taken the first 12 steps to reach out to him, but I feel he isn't making an effort.


    its time to just delete him jmusmc sometimes it was great while it lasted and you can look back on memories with fondness. If he comes back around then it will be your decision whether to let him back in your life or not.

    If he's going out with other people and can't even spend a few hours? I would understand if he was across the world but if your both in the same location thats just ridiculous.

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    Jan 04, 2013 8:15 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidHmmm...I have a question to axe the posters here that is along those same lines...

    So many years ago while I was in the Marines I became friends with this kid. For about 2-3 years we were BFF and always used to hang out together. We both got out at the same time and went our seperate ways. Now almost 5 years later I'm back in his hometown, Miami.

    I have been here almost 4 months and have made many attempts to hang out with him but he is always "busy". We are Facebook buds and I see that he is going out plenty of times with other people. I know he isn't that busy to spend a few hours together.

    I am seriously considering deleting him from FB, and just ignoring him form now on. Am I being too harsh? I have taken the first 12 steps to reach out to him, but I feel he isn't making an effort.

    Sounds like he has moved on to other friends. Also there could be things that he did in his past that you might know that he doesn't want his new friends to know. Or he doesn't want to be reminded of his past and you remind him of that.

    If it is none of those, he might attempt to get in touch at some random point in the future when his 'new & exciting' friends aren't around him anymore and he might want a proven friend from the past.

    Personally If someone has moved on, I do the same. Except in my case I don't go back to a point in the past and reconnect with the person. Some people do that easily and all the time but for me thats hard as I feel I haven't moved on as things feel stagnant.
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    Jan 04, 2013 8:22 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidHmmm...I have a question to axe the posters here that is along those same lines...

    So many years ago while I was in the Marines I became friends with this kid. For about 2-3 years we were BFF and always used to hang out together. We both got out at the same time and went our seperate ways. Now almost 5 years later I'm back in his hometown, Miami.

    I have been here almost 4 months and have made many attempts to hang out with him but he is always "busy". We are Facebook buds and I see that he is going out plenty of times with other people. I know he isn't that busy to spend a few hours together.

    I am seriously considering deleting him from FB, and just ignoring him form now on. Am I being too harsh? I have taken the first 12 steps to reach out to him, but I feel he isn't making an effort.

    Miss LiL T is here to help and provide wisdom in all things life related.

    To our questioner here.

    After so many years together and then so many apart I think it's safe to say.

    He's just not that into you.

    And stop stalking him on Facebook that's just creepy darling!

    Yours sincerely
    LiL T icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 04, 2013 8:24 PM GMT
    lilTanker said
    jmusmc85 saidHmmm...I have a question to axe the posters here that is along those same lines...

    So many years ago while I was in the Marines I became friends with this kid. For about 2-3 years we were BFF and always used to hang out together. We both got out at the same time and went our seperate ways. Now almost 5 years later I'm back in his hometown, Miami.

    I have been here almost 4 months and have made many attempts to hang out with him but he is always "busy". We are Facebook buds and I see that he is going out plenty of times with other people. I know he isn't that busy to spend a few hours together.

    I am seriously considering deleting him from FB, and just ignoring him form now on. Am I being too harsh? I have taken the first 12 steps to reach out to him, but I feel he isn't making an effort.

    Miss LiL T is here to help and provide wisdom in all things life related.

    To our questioner here.

    After so many years together and then so many apart I think it's safe to say.

    He's just not that into you.

    And stop stalking him on Facebook that's just creepy darling!

    Yours sincerely
    LiL T icon_smile.gif


    Hmmm...but this is nothing sexual! Trust me, we are just friends. He's a slightly chubby, Cuban dude who is still in the closet. He is nowhere near my type. So it is nothing sexual, if thats the impression I gave.

    And how is it stalking? I see plenty of people post about their nights out, I would not consider it stalking....
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    Jan 04, 2013 8:32 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 said
    Hmmm...but this is nothing sexual! Trust me, we are just friends. He's a slightly chubby, Cuban dude who is still in the closet. He is nowhere near my type. So it is nothing sexual, if thats the impression I gave.

    And how is it stalking? I see plenty of people post about their nights out, I would not consider it stalking....

    I never even considered anything about it sexual but even friendships are a relationship.

    People can decide not to try for a multitude of reasons time, desire, concerns that they might not "click" again.

    That's the way it is unfortunately. You've tried, you've reached out now the ball is in his court and its his decision to pass it back or let it sit there and walk away.

    So let him decide.

    You can delete him from Facebook I'm pretty hard arsed after a certain amount of time they either get into it or they are gone.
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    Jan 04, 2013 8:34 PM GMT
    lilTanker said I'm pretty hard arsed after a certain amount of time they either get into it or they are gone.

    I can relate to that as I'm a "shit or get off the pot" type when it comes to this.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 04, 2013 9:49 PM GMT
    SkinnyBitch saidI am an old man. My mind is commensurate to my position in the timeline of my lifespan. Making new friends and dealing with the bother of it is something I did in my younger years. There's no point to do it at this stage.

    Amen to that!
    I'm definitely not going to break my back to go out and make friends ... if they happen, cool ... if not ... oh well I have better things to do with my time any way.
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    Jan 04, 2013 9:49 PM GMT
    CollegeDude27 saidYou ever have a friendship you feel as though it is an effort being friends with the person? Many of my friendships lately I feel are becoming efforts.

    For example keeping in touch with the person is a hasstle and I only hear from them if I contact them first. Or making plans is like pulling teeth. Theres always an excuse. And just in general I feel like I have to go out of my way to impress these people and change who I am to be their friends because they're so picky.


    That's not friendship.
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    Jan 04, 2013 9:53 PM GMT
    SkinnyBitch saidI am an old man. My mind is commensurate to my position in the timeline of my lifespan. Making new friends and dealing with the bother of it is something I did in my younger years. There's no point to do it at this stage.

    I'm of the same. While I'm open to new friends, I'm past the point of putting in undue effort.

    As long as I can remember I've always thought of things this way when it came to any kind of relationship: I'm dealing with an adult and hence expect responsible adult behavior. Anything less isn't acceptable.
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    Jan 05, 2013 9:38 AM GMT
    It's definitely not a good sign when you feel friendships are efforts. Aside from that, I do have very, very good friends whom I don't talk to often, but are ALWAYS there for me in any circumstances. These friends and I often understand we don't need to see each other constantly to stay on good terms with each other. I usually try my best to keep in touch with a friend, but I will eventually tire if he/she isn't trying whatsoever.
  • agro

    Posts: 199

    Jan 05, 2013 12:14 PM GMT
    @OP:

    Yeah, I have a few of those. There's this one girl in particular who I've only recently realised is actually really horrible to me. She tends to say a lot of unnecessary things like "oh, you're looking a little tubby" or "is your hair thinning?" The thing is, I never know whether she's joking about it or not, and she's only like that with me. She also outed me to someone at a certain point in my life when I wasn't really ready which was really... not cool. But for some reason I still feel compelled to be friends with her. I guess it's probably because we've been through a lot together/travelled together/she helped me through my darker days back when I was closeted, etc.. In addition to that, we move in nearly identical circles and so it's hard to not be friends. It's not like I can say "I can't be friends with you anymore" because, well, it's more trouble to not be friends with her than it is to be friends.

    Another one is this one friend who's a little bit tiring. By "tiring" I mean I almost always regret catching up with the guy because he's so whimsical and tends to be really in-your-face and I constantly have to entertain him if he's at my house. Like OP's friends, he has a tendency to give an excuse at the last moment to not come, especially to things that he seems to be really keen for. It's not like I don't I love the guy, but when he still farts in my face (I'm not even joking) and eats all of the food in my fridge (can't be bothered asking) it's exhausting.

    So yeah, I have some friendships that I feel I have to make an effort towards. But at the same time, I'm sure that at some point they had to deal with me being annoying to them in some way, and they've have stuck with me through thick and thin. It doesn't mean that I have to keep in regular contact with them, so if I only have to deal with their crazy antics once in a while, I think I can handle that much.
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    Jan 05, 2013 12:36 PM GMT
    I think in general it gets tougher the older you get because people get settled into their own routines and rhythms. I can count the number of close friends I have on one hand, and I consider myself lucky.

    Everyone else has been transitional up to this point.
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    Jan 05, 2013 12:40 PM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidHmmm...I have a question to axe the posters here that is along those same lines...

    So many years ago while I was in the Marines I became friends with this kid. For about 2-3 years we were BFF and always used to hang out together. We both got out at the same time and went our seperate ways. Now almost 5 years later I'm back in his hometown, Miami.

    I have been here almost 4 months and have made many attempts to hang out with him but he is always "busy". We are Facebook buds and I see that he is going out plenty of times with other people. I know he isn't that busy to spend a few hours together.

    I am seriously considering deleting him from FB, and just ignoring him form now on. Am I being too harsh? I have taken the first 12 steps to reach out to him, but I feel he isn't making an effort.
    My feedback here would be ultimately you are in the best position to judge whether a friendship is truly over. True friends are rare and there is a peak-and-valley aspect to them in my experience.

    Deleting him outright probably closes a door, so I would be cautious about that given your history together.

    An alternative to deleting him might be to hide his status updates.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 05, 2013 12:41 PM GMT
    Wow! After reading this all my hopes of looking for friendship in new places has been dashed down to the ground. I guess occasional dates will be better than looking to hang out with some friends.
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    Jan 05, 2013 12:50 PM GMT
    I have friends that I see every few days.. others once a week or a few times a month... others every few months and still others every year or so. It's the product of having traveled a lot, having met many people over the course of my life and having many interests.

    I don't find this breadth a problem and I think of all these people as friends. Friends are always "work" because you have to put effort and emotion into friendship; you're not always going to agree. If you see friendship in utilitarian terms, if you try to do a "cost-benefit" analysis as some of the other posters seem to—how can you be sure that you have any friends at all?

    It's certainly true that there are people I used to be much closer to that I no longer am so close to; but I can see quite reasonable reasons why not: I moved away; they just had a baby; our values have somewhat diverged.

    Part of being a good friend is accepting people for who they are and always being real with everyone you meet.