need some of that good old real jock advice!!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2008 6:34 PM GMT
    I've recently started seeing a guy, he's really nice, 34 (I'm 25) good job and all that.

    We've been chatting for a few weeks, and we've only been on about 3 dates so its still early days, but he's already making plans for what's going to happen if we're still together in 6 months, and a year, to the point of working out how much i earn from my two jobs, how much going back to university is going to cost me and how much it will cost for me to run a car so i can pay him rent when i move in! and planning a trip to New Zealand to meet some of his friends if we're still together in 6 months!

    He's also told me that he's looking for someone to marry and that he wants kids that have to be biologically his! I really don't want kids at least not in the next couple of years which is what he's planing!

    so what I'm asking is do i respect this guys upfront attitude, but talk to him and tell him that i think he's jumping the gun a little, or am I right in being totally freaked out and wanted to pack a bag and run for the hills?

    I would appreciate any advice.

    Thanks.
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    Sep 21, 2008 7:07 PM GMT
    gayroy said
    He's also told me that he's looking for someone to marry and that he wants kids that have to be biologically his! I really don't want kids at least not in the next couple of years which is what he's planing!


    He wants a gay marriage, but father children via a surrogate mother who relinquishes all maternal rights over to him? Do I understand that part correctly?

    I'd tell him if you're not comfortable moving so quickly with such detailed plans. If you don't, he may take your silence as agreement.

    Does he ask you what YOUR future plans are, if any, or is he just taking charge on his own? That's a bad sign in my book. Did he inquire how you view having children, either your own or sharing your partner's?

    Or is he merely stating his general preferences for the future, but also expresses his willingness to alter those plans based on circumstances, and your own wishes?

    If he's just taking total charge then you may be dealing with a control freak here, who'll be making every decision from what you wear to what you eat. You need to talk with him now and find out.
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    Sep 21, 2008 7:24 PM GMT
    you got the part about him wanting a gay marriage and a surrogate mother right. he didn't really ask me if i wanted kids he just assumed "WE" would be having them.

    He's asked me what my future plans are, when i told him that i wanted to move to the States as i'm studying graphic design and there's better career prospects over there he spent the next couple of days trying to convince me that I'd be better off moving to London because thats where he's moving to.
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    Sep 21, 2008 8:10 PM GMT

    ...........................screaming-girl.jpg
    ..
    ................................................................ RUN!


    for the hills.....
    ............................................

    He don't own you!
    ............................................

    Wow, this guy is a card. He seems to be totally disregarding you and focusing on his own happiness, demoting you to just a means to an end. If that is the tone he's setting, you'll always just be a tool to achieve his happiness. He may never consider yours or consider you a legitimate part of his happiness, just a catalyst to achieve that happiness and that role is bogus!
    Older men tend to do this. Over time, they have achieved a lot and have overcome a lot of struggle and indecisiveness so what do they do? They grab a younger man and try to force him to reach their level at a unrealistic and unnatural pace! They plan to excess and tend not to include the young man's feelings or opinions in the planning.
    What's wrong with letting life and relationships progress without manipulation or augmentation? It worked for them when they were younger. Everything worked out to, but now they think they can control everything, FAIL! RUN!

    (disclaimer) It is my opinion that 34 is "older" because I date older men and consider 35 to be a good starting place for elevated maturity and sophistication. By they, I did not mean all. Some are great, which is why the OP should either run or date guys in his age group.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 21, 2008 8:43 PM GMT
    Run, this guy is a fruit loop short of a cereal packet.
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    Sep 21, 2008 9:12 PM GMT
    redheadguy saidRun, this guy is a fruit loop short of a cereal packet.

    what he said. but first - give him a pimp slap. Just to make sure he knows his place. Basically he's realising that he's growing old, while you're still young. He wants to move on with his life.... you're just moving into yours.
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    Sep 21, 2008 9:51 PM GMT
    I would echo what's been said but be sure to explain what's bothering you. Also, take into consideration that he's at a different stage in life than you are being roughly 10 years older. For him, having those conversations may be downright perfunctory.
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    Sep 21, 2008 9:55 PM GMT
    Im with the guys that said RUN. Now...and dont look back.
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    Sep 21, 2008 10:10 PM GMT
    I think it is great that the guy is able to communicate his desires for his life. Much better than shaking up with this guy and then three years later he tells you he really wants babies.

    That said, it is really fucking creepy to unload all of that planning after three dates. He doesn't know you that well yet and already he is planning your life together? I would say good bye. He obviously wants a husband and you are way too young to make so many compromises.
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    Sep 21, 2008 10:12 PM GMT
    I'm with GG on this one:

    12082714113510292267_1.jpg

  • MuslDrew

    Posts: 463

    Sep 21, 2008 10:14 PM GMT
    I agree that you should run from this guy. he is older and ready to settle down, while you're still going to school. I would have fun with guys at the same stage of life that you are for the time being.
    It also doesn't appear as if he cares about your interests, goals & priorities anyway. That's no good at any age.
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    Sep 21, 2008 10:25 PM GMT
    gayroy saidyou got the part about him wanting a gay marriage and a surrogate mother right. he didn't really ask me if i wanted kids he just assumed "WE" would be having them.

    He's asked me what my future plans are, when i told him that i wanted to move to the States as i'm studying graphic design and there's better career prospects over there he spent the next couple of days trying to convince me that I'd be better off moving to London because thats where he's moving to.


    OK, then I agree with what most of the other guys here are saying -- dump him. He's selfish, self-centered, concerned about himself first.

    You believe your graphic design goals are best served in the US -- then that's where you need to be, with or without him. He doesn't see you as an equal partner, but as an accessory. Some guys are happy to be used that way; are you?
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    Sep 21, 2008 10:46 PM GMT
    gayroy saidI've recently started seeing a guy, he's really nice, 34 (I'm 25) good job and all that.

    We've been chatting for a few weeks, and we've only been on about 3 dates so its still early days, but he's already making plans for what's going to happen if we're still together in 6 months, and a year, to the point of working out how much i earn from my two jobs, how much going back to university is going to cost me and how much it will cost for me to run a car so i can pay him rent when i move in! and planning a trip to New Zealand to meet some of his friends if we're still together in 6 months!

    He's also told me that he's looking for someone to marry and that he wants kids that have to be biologically his! I really don't want kids at least not in the next couple of years which is what he's planing!

    so what I'm asking is do i respect this guys upfront attitude, but talk to him and tell him that i think he's jumping the gun a little, or am I right in being totally freaked out and wanted to pack a bag and run for the hills?

    I would appreciate any advice.

    Thanks.


    the good thing about it being up front, and in your face, is that you can deal with it. yes talk to him.

    I feel........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 22, 2008 12:17 AM GMT
    If I were you I would

    funny-pictures-zomg-run-cat-woman-scream
  • Paradigm_Shif...

    Posts: 251

    Sep 22, 2008 12:59 AM GMT
    Guilty Gear, you are priceless.....!!!
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 22, 2008 1:03 AM GMT
    WHOAAA!!!

    It was makin' me nervous and I was just reading your description
    You need to tell this guy
    Thank you very much for your concern
    and I'm very flattered that you want to spent more time with me
    but I think we should just see how things go for the next few months first

    Sheesh ... what does he think ... he's a lesbian?
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    Sep 22, 2008 1:04 AM GMT
    listen to your instinct. it sounds like your instinct is telling you to either put on the brakes or excuse yourself from the scenario. either way, do not ignore your inner voice. you will regret it if you do.
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    Sep 22, 2008 2:47 AM GMT
    Oh ma lil man, Run, Run as fast as you can, cause hes the baker and your gingery self really shouldn't be dealing with that just yet!
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    Sep 22, 2008 2:57 AM GMT
    He does sound a little controlling. It appears that his schedule is on track and he needs someone to play the role of house husband. (And it only has been three dates!) Obviously if you started a forum topic the alarms are going off with you too!
    You can tell him what you want and don't want in a relationship - but it is early days to be planning china pattern and the best daycare providers!
    Good Luck!
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    Sep 22, 2008 3:03 AM GMT
    MuslDrew saidI agree that you should run from this guy. he is older and ready to settle down, while you're still going to school. I would have fun with guys at the same stage of life that you are for the time being.
    It also doesn't appear as if he cares about your interests, goals & priorities anyway. That's no good at any age.


    While I agree with most of what the guys are saying, I don't think it's necessarily an age thing.

    I dated a guy once that was 12 years YOUNGER than me and was making plans for our future after the third or fourth date, going into great detail....much like your guy.
    I told him straight out let's slow down here and take this one day at a time. He became very upset with me, said something to the effect of "Oh, sorry for trying to ruin your life!!" and stormed out. He never spoke to me again, but would talk shit about me to anyone who would listen (unfortunately, we hung out at the same places and knew a lot of the same people).

    My point is: Go. Get out now. Chances are, he isn't going to ease up. He's emotionally unstable. Co-dependent maybe.

    Let him go, and walk away.icon_exclaim.gif
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    Sep 22, 2008 3:15 AM GMT



    Good grief,

    At three dates we were just coming to terms with the crazy possibility that we could live together. Children, surrogate mothers, rent and projected income calculations?

    He'll feel hurt, so do it gently, but you have to do it, unless the over-planning of your future is feeling sexy. But that would be even more of something worth worrying about because you might soon find it un-sexy indeed.
  • CAtoFL

    Posts: 834

    Sep 22, 2008 3:38 AM GMT
    Don't let him make you a bit player in his life, gayroy. You need to be the star in yours.
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    Sep 22, 2008 3:50 AM GMT
    I agree all who said to run, and not because I'm a runner.

    His clock is ticking, and he wants it all right now including his trophy which is where you'd come in. I'm sorry to say it like that, but the fact that you're questioning this guy reveals that you're much more than that. I'll echo what other people have said in here. If he didn't ask you your thoughts about these things, it's because he doesn't care or it never entered his mind that you might be an individual fellow human being with his own mind and his own opinions. You can throw away your dreams and he can't? He expects a woman to carry his child, and then not be it's mother so his genetics will be passed on. He must really love himself a lot to want a carbon copy of himself, there are plenty of kids out there that are orphaned, who deserve loving parents. Sounds extremely selfish to me. You've been on 3 dates, so you're probably getting a very pretty picture. God knows what he'll be like when he gets comfortable.

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    Sep 22, 2008 4:02 AM GMT
    He is the weakest link, goodbye!
    ..............................................
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    Sep 22, 2008 4:02 AM GMT
    oh my ! too much, too much, too much. you need to slam the brakes on that situation.

    and he's probably picking up on the fact that you are the kind of person that actually has to ask advice about this.
    So you may need to make a few adjustments in how you are thinking or presenting yourself too.

    This may sound shitty ( I like to think of it as tough love, lol)..but....
    grow a pair....and tell him to slow the hell down or it's bye bye. Or just nicely inform him that this unreasonable rushing is making you very uncomfortable and not at all the way you want things to be right now.
    Or just tell him you are not ready for all that in the half hour version of living life and make a clean break.