Any insights into dating an ex-mormon who has children ?

  • chgobuzz1

    Posts: 155

    Jan 05, 2013 6:52 AM GMT
    Met a sweet guy who was married at 20, had 3 children and now also 2 grandchildren. He is 50 now, has been divorced for some 10 years, kids all in their 20's. Has had one 3 year gay relationship he walked away from due to the partners drinking and abuse. Im concerned that I dont really want all the family responsibility he has and also is still tied to his ex-wife who never remarried. It seems that the family is his focus even though the kids are grown and all still live in Utah. His family is supportive of him now for the most part and want him to be happy. But I dont feel much self confidence from him and he still feels a connection to Mormonism and has respect for it despite the therapy they forced on him for 3 years and almost made him do electro shock. I guess I dont feel enough trust and respect for him. Has ayone here been a Mormon or dated one ? Im someone who scorns most religions and feel no fear or guilt about that. I never date men who have been married and hid their gayness from themselves and others. It is a trust issue for me. Thoughts ? Advice ?
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 05, 2013 7:45 AM GMT
    Well duhhh ... a father focus is always going to be his kids ... you are number 2
    As for being mormon ... ya, sorta dated one ... I would have to say it is going to depend on the guy ... though most mormons I've met seem pretty flaky and weird ... but I'm sure there must be some good ones out there
  • reptile18

    Posts: 199

    Jan 05, 2013 7:48 AM GMT
    holy baggage!
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    Jan 05, 2013 8:03 AM GMT
    I'd say be very clear about what you want and don't want. Make a list if it'll help you organize your thoughts better.
    You've already indicated that you're not interested in taking on his family responsibility. Are you not interested in family at all? Or just the one that comes with him?

    If it's early enough and you like him enough dating him may help you gain further clarity and new insights into who he is and how you mesh with him emotionally. Informative speculations aside, he may surprise you--and you may surprise yourself with what you're willing to take on (or not take on) where he and you are concerned.

    Take your time and get to know him, if you're *really* interested. There's no failure in trying.

    If you're not, then be clear and communicate that to him. (Be fair to him and yourself.)

    But remember, everyone comes with "something" to any relationship--perspective or otherwise--you just have to decide if the not-so-great stuff he's bringing is something you're willing to accept because everything else he is may in fact work for you. ;)

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    Jan 05, 2013 8:28 AM GMT
    He is clearly a family guy and will put his family first. This is not a bad thing, it is a good thing, as it shows that he is dedicated to the people he loves.

    He wouldn't be dating men if he didn't feel comfortable with himself and moved past his days of anti-gay therapy, 3 years is a long time to be with a man if the a man was questioning and rejecting his sexuality.

    Ask yourself if his qualities, nurturing they seem to be, are worth whatever baggage his family is. I doubt that his family will be that much baggage since you live in Chicago and his family lives in Utah. His children seem older and are semi-independent, and wouldn't be as much baggage as say, an 8 year old. I'm not sure how much time you've spent with him, but you should take your time and see if you really are getting as much of a strain as you think you are.

    You say trust seems to be an issue, but again, he was in a gay relationship for some time, so it's not like he'll renounce his sexuality or anything. If anything he may want to move closer to his family or something, but that is just a possibility. Respect is another issue. Remember that it is really easy to make someone believe in a certain way of thinking if you start at a young age (Hitler!). Mormon children are "indoctrinated" at a young age. No amount of therapy will be able to relieve all those years of "education" and he will always be linked to Mormonism. That will always be apart of him. Not all things that are Mormon are bad, they do teach some good things icon_razz.gif

    Get to know him a bit more. Perhaps one day you can be considered part of his family.
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    Jan 05, 2013 5:10 PM GMT
    reptile18 saidholy baggage!

    LOLOLOL
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Jan 05, 2013 6:21 PM GMT
    reptile18 saidholy baggage!


    +1
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jan 05, 2013 6:26 PM GMT
    I dated a few ex- Mormons. The Mormon attributes: They were nice, and didn't smoke or drink.

    But every guy is an individual, and you are dating an individual man, not a stereotype for the Morman religion. So base your judgments on who he is, and what his traits and beliefs are. I would not date anyone with strong religious views, no matter what religion (all religions are a bit kookie) - but that's my thing. I tend to find religions beliefs amusing. You can expect most men to have a relationship to their children (if they didn't, it would indicate something very negative about them). But a gay guy with adult children, just like a divorced straight guy with adult children, can put a new partner in a bigger place in his life. So, see how things go ? ?
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    Jan 05, 2013 8:44 PM GMT
    chgobuzz1 saidMet a sweet guy who was married at 20, had 3 children and now also 2 grandchildren. He is 50 now, has been divorced for some 10 years, kids all in their 20's. Has had one 3 year gay relationship he walked away from due to the partners drinking and abuse. Im concerned that I dont really want all the family responsibility he has and also is still tied to his ex-wife who never remarried. It seems that the family is his focus even though the kids are grown and all still live in Utah. His family is supportive of him now for the most part and want him to be happy. But I dont feel much self confidence from him and he still feels a connection to Mormonism and has respect for it despite the therapy they forced on him for 3 years and almost made him do electro shock. I guess I dont feel enough trust and respect for him. Has ayone here been a Mormon or dated one ? Im someone who scorns most religions and feel no fear or guilt about that. I never date men who have been married and hid their gayness from themselves and others. It is a trust issue for me. Thoughts ? Advice ?


    You said you don't want a family. You said you don't like his belief systems. You said you scorn false belief systems. Anti-gay therapy? From a family? Why the fuck are you involved with someone so fucked up? Desperation? All the wishful thinking in The World won't change who he is. You can only change you.

    Get out. You've given all the reasons why. What you want, and what he is, are completed opposed. You said as much yourself. Engage brain.
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    Jan 05, 2013 8:52 PM GMT
    Run
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    Jan 05, 2013 8:53 PM GMT
    UTstud saidRun

    Yes! There is no such ting as an ex-Mormon. I've run into this before. Even if he repudiates the LDS, and is no longer active, he will still be haunted and directed by the anti-gay experience. An ex of mine was badly burned by this.

    Stay away from Mormons, current, ex or otherwise. The OP has better options.
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    Jan 05, 2013 9:22 PM GMT
    OP: this guy sounds like a real jewel of a person who has shown a lot of courage in his life and is committed to his family. Those are outstanding character traits.

    If the two of you are not compatible that's one thing. But if you can't appreciate him for the qualities you described in your post, then you probably should break it off - this guy deserves someone who will love and respect him for who he is.
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    Jan 05, 2013 10:19 PM GMT
    Nobody should be hold accountable for the education he received.
    He didn't had a choice as a kid.

    You can't look down at him or not respect him just because he was born in a mormon family, and was raised with mormon value.

    For the trust issue, look at the choices he made, but don't hold him accountable for what was done to him.
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    Jan 05, 2013 10:35 PM GMT
    Trollileo saidThe things you queers get concerned about. Choose celibacy. You'll probably enjoy it more.

    So should we assume you are not "queer" (gay)?
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    Jan 05, 2013 10:44 PM GMT
    Honestly... Mr. OP.... reread your post. it sounds like you already made your decision.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 05, 2013 10:46 PM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    Trollileo saidThe things you queers get concerned about. Choose celibacy. You'll probably enjoy it more.

    So should we assume you are not "queer" (gay)?


    Yeah, he's just here for the articles on fitness.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 05, 2013 10:48 PM GMT
    Mormons are worse about brainwashing their followers than Muslims and Baptists.

    Run. Fast. His grave was already dug for him the day he was born into that sorry excuse for a church.
  • wellwell

    Posts: 2265

    Jan 05, 2013 10:54 PM GMT
    I want to marry a sensible Mormon; I Love them; I trust them.
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    Jan 05, 2013 11:12 PM GMT
    chgobuzz1 said Im concerned that I dont really want all the family responsibility...


    In all honestly, if you don't want the family connection be honest and move on. It's not going to be fair to him or his family if you go into the relationship knowing you don't want the family around.

    I was raised morman and I'll agree many of us are a little odd in the head. Most find ways to get past what the mormons believe religiously, others need a little more compassion and patience.

    Be kind to him and yourself if you already don't think you want the added baggage.
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    Jan 06, 2013 12:01 AM GMT
    You can't change people, you can only change the way you react to them.

    Men who have ex wifes, and kids are not 'baggage'. If its too much for you to deal with, leave him.
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    Jan 06, 2013 12:06 AM GMT
    electroshock therapy???? Is he normal? Just run
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    Jan 06, 2013 12:25 AM GMT
    hairyandym saidMen who have ex wifes, and kids are not 'baggage'. If its too much for you to deal with, leave him.


    I agree with Hairyandym completely. Dads really are sexy to me for whatever reason. I don't consider someone having an ex and kids baggage at all. We all have ex'es, and raising children shows a level of commitment to something other then themselves. Everyone is different though, not everyone needs to be attracted to guys with kids. /shrug
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2013 2:18 AM GMT
    Hide his magic underwear
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2013 2:35 AM GMT
    t1larg.baggage.fees.jpg
  • chgobuzz1

    Posts: 155

    Jan 06, 2013 7:28 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. Yes I suspect he is a bit damaged from what has occurred. He appears to lack confidence in some ways as a gay man from what I have observed which is not appealing to me. I like confident gay men. He seems quite taken with me and I need to slow him down at least. If I were to imagine my ideal man it just would not occur to me for him to be a divorced father of 3 and grandfather of 2 and ex-mormon, honestly. That has been the focus of his life for the most part.Am I selfish for not wanting what he is and comes with ?