Feelings for my FWB, is he willing to go further?... Please Help

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 05, 2013 7:45 PM GMT
    I have a hook-up buddy who I never would have thought I would fall for but I was wrong! I don't want to just hook up with him, I want something more. He always wants me to spend the night to cuddle and "keep him warm"... he's very aloof about what he wants. So I decided to tell him how I feel.

    Before I was going to text him to meet up and tell him how I feel, the unexpected happened. My friend called me and told me that he seen him on grindr and he was talking to him and trying to get him to hook up. He told my friend he has a few **** buddies that he trusts (obviously he didn't know that my friend is my friend). So I was shocked, because he never told me he sleeps with other people.

    After that I was furious and knew it wasn't going to work. Then he texted me later to make plans for "fun". So then I straight up told him I am not a booty call in which he replied "I know your not". Then I told him that he makes me feel like I am and that I can't just sleep with him anymore because I have feelings for him. His reply?
    "Aww you like me? I'm a jerk though. I like u too though, you are a very cool guy". So i got confused and told him that it's obvious he just wants a **** buddy and not a LTR.

    NOW, this is the part where things start to get confusing. After he told me he was a Jerk, he goes on to say that I hurt his feelings and that he wouldnt have texted me if he didnt like me. He said it takes time for him to trust people to go to that level. He tells me that he didn't know I was into having a relationship and that he is open to one but that they can't just happen overnight. I told him he is right but if he did like me then he would atleast go on a date with me. Then he asked why I thought he wasnt into a relationship and then I told him about my friend and how he talked to him. Then he said oh okay he will leave me alone. I replied to that "Im not asking you to leave me alone. You have my number, if you truly like me you will agree to go on a date with me. That's all I got to say".

    So that's the last thing that happened. He didn't reply to that last message. I am SO CONFUSED because I don't know if he is trying to trick me so he can keep sleeping with me or if he really does kind of feel something for me but he just wants to keep seeing me a little longer before he figures out his feelings exactly. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. Here are the options im looking at:

    A. Man up, talk to him again and continue to do the FWB, and see if anything could happen
    B. Just never talk to him again unless he texts me to go on a date or if he just texts me in general

    I don;t know which to do. However, if I do A then I would be worried my feelings will grow more and our thing wouldn't go further than just hookups... I wish I can just do the NSA without getting feelings for someone, it is really annoying. If there is an option other than A and B that anyone thinks I should do, please help!
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    Jan 05, 2013 8:18 PM GMT
    First off, this is why I wouldn't ever agree to a friends with benefits deal. But you don't need me to tell you that and lecture you on that.

    You have feelings for him - therefore any hooking up will just make things worse for you. He obviously isn't going to develop feelings if he's fucking around with other guys. So I say hand him an ultimatum: the FWB isn't going to work out anymore - if he wants to see you again then it has to be in a relationship capacity. But even then - because he is fooling around with other guys - I wouldn't trust him 100% to be faithful. Your best bet - for your sake - is to bid each other adieu. icon_sad.gif

    It sucks and it's going to hurt but for your own sake and sanity, it's for the best.
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    Jan 05, 2013 8:29 PM GMT
    Have you talked about it over the phone/in person? Not just in text message land? I'm not judging, as I have hid behind many a text message before, but it is very easy to get things twisted that way.
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    Jan 05, 2013 8:41 PM GMT
    IceBuckets saidFirst off, this is why I wouldn't ever agree to a friends with benefits deal. But you don't need me to tell you that and lecture you on that.

    You have feelings for him - therefore any hooking up will just make things worse for you. He obviously isn't going to develop feelings if he's fucking around with other guys. So I say hand him an ultimatum: the FWB isn't going to work out anymore - if he wants to see you again then it has to be in a relationship capacity. But even then - because he is fooling around with other guys - I wouldn't trust him 100% to be faithful. Your best bet - for your sake - is to bid each other adieu. icon_sad.gif

    It sucks and it's going to hurt but for your own sake and sanity, it's for the best.


    Yeah, you are right, the whole sleeping with other people thing really messes things up.
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    Jan 05, 2013 8:42 PM GMT
    art90 saidHave you talked about it over the phone/in person? Not just in text message land? I'm not judging, as I have hid behind many a text message before, but it is very easy to get things twisted that way.


    I hate talking through text, I was going to meet up with him to discuss but once I found out he was trying to get with other people at the same time, I got mad so I just let it out all through text lol
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Jan 05, 2013 9:09 PM GMT
    I was in a similar predicament a few months back, only I was on the opposite end. My FWB started having feelings for me. If your guy is anything like me, he is DEFINITELY not ready for a relationship.

    Haha, this whole situation sounds oddly familiar.. I remember using a lot of the same lines as him it seems.
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    Jan 05, 2013 9:11 PM GMT
    blankpage said
    art90 saidHave you talked about it over the phone/in person? Not just in text message land? I'm not judging, as I have hid behind many a text message before, but it is very easy to get things twisted that way.


    I hate talking through text, I was going to meet up with him to discuss but once I found out he was trying to get with other people at the same time, I got mad so I just let it out all through text lol


    Yeah, we can easily say things we perhaps don't mean over text because we don't see the immediate consequences. In turn, you are likely pushing him away.

    I once used HeyTell to get through a tough conversation. Mostly because I literally had NO service; however, it was a really cool experience because:

    1. I had to listen to what the other person said from start to finish. You can't interrupt a recording.
    2. I was allowed a second to breathe and think of a response.
    3. I had to speak my thoughts and I felt more careful about my word choices.

    Anywho. Maybe that was a bit soap boxy. Especially for a guy who started and is posting in a thread about his hookup dilemmas.

    Best of luck and I hope you figure this out in a sane, healthy way. It's sounds like communication (or rather, miscommunication) is the key and I hope you two can clear the air - whatever the outcome.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Jan 05, 2013 9:40 PM GMT
    IceBuckets saidFirst off, this is why I wouldn't ever agree to a friends with benefits deal. But you don't need me to tell you that and lecture you on that.

    You have feelings for him - therefore any hooking up will just make things worse for you. He obviously isn't going to develop feelings if he's fucking around with other guys. So I say hand him an ultimatum: the FWB isn't going to work out anymore - if he wants to see you again then it has to be in a relationship capacity. But even then - because he is fooling around with other guys - I wouldn't trust him 100% to be faithful. Your best bet - for your sake - is to bid each other adieu. icon_sad.gif

    It sucks and it's going to hurt but for your own sake and sanity, it's for the best.


    This x1000. I hate to echo advice, but he's right. A FWB situation doesn't work once one person has feelings for another and they're not reciprocated. It sounds like your friend isn't anywhere near ready to get into a relationship. You will only hurt yourself deeply by continuing to sleep with him. You will have no choice but to walk away.

    Please listen to me--I was on a similar predicament with a man about 3 years ago. I chose to sleep with him for a few months more. He never could see me as a relationship material.. and I suffered tremendously as a result. I wouldn't wish what I put myself thru to my worst enemy. So, I say to you, kindly walk away. Shelf him as a friend. Get some self respect. And move on.
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    Jan 05, 2013 10:27 PM GMT
    PR_GMR saidPlease listen to me--I was on a similar predicament with a man about 3 years ago. I chose to sleep with him for a few months more. He never could see me as a relationship material.. and I suffered tremendously as a result. I wouldn't wish what I put myself thru to my worst enemy. So, I say to you, kindly walk away. Shelf him as a friend. Get some self respect. And move on.


    You are right, I wish it was as easy to move on as it seems but I should no longer see him. I just wish I didn't allow myself to have sex with him because he took the V from me, and well yeah... life sucks icon_exclaim.gificon_confused.gif
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    Jan 05, 2013 10:35 PM GMT
    Unless I continue to sleep with him but disconnect my feelings/emotions from the pleasure completely. That would be difficult though because I can't see myself disconnecting it.
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    Jan 05, 2013 10:38 PM GMT
    blankpage saidUnless I continue to sleep with him but disconnect my feelings/emotions from the pleasure completely. That would be difficult though because I can't see myself disconnecting it.

    ...yeah that simply isn't going to happen. You can't just switch your feelings off. Believe me, if there was a way, I'd have done it a long time ago.
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    Jan 05, 2013 10:42 PM GMT
    Do y'all do anything other than just hookup occasionally for sex? Do you actually hang out and do social things together? Like, actually have a life? If no, then there's your answer.
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    Jan 06, 2013 12:21 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidDo y'all do anything other than just hookup occasionally for sex? Do you actually hang out and do social things together? Like, actually have a life? If no, then there's your answer.


    No we don't, he has said one time that he "might" want to take me on a date but I think he said it just in the moment and didn't mean it. Another time he said he'd like to take me to a club "someday" so Idk if he just says those things for the hell of it but w/e
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 06, 2013 12:42 AM GMT
    Find a guy that wants to date, not a booty call. You can't blame him for the way he behaved. It makes sense in the context of the relationship you described.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Jan 06, 2013 12:43 AM GMT
    You had a *uck buddy not a FWB ... you had sex before building a friendship ... what did you expect? If you like him ask him on a date and see if he wants to be more than a FB.
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    Jan 06, 2013 12:46 AM GMT
    TheBizMan saidI was in a similar predicament a few months back, only I was on the opposite end. My FWB started having feelings for me. If your guy is anything like me, he is DEFINITELY not ready for a relationship.

    Haha, this whole situation sounds oddly familiar.. I remember using a lot of the same lines as him it seems.


    Ditto on everything.
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    Jan 06, 2013 12:51 AM GMT
    Is he willing to go further?... Ask him!
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    Jan 06, 2013 1:41 AM GMT
    It's a somewhat minor - but relevant - point in the context of everything else here, but he was under no obligation to disclose anything about his sexual activities outside of you (unless you had asked prior to this and he had lied) ... and it seems to me that sharing what you knew from your friend might have really put him off.

    What you wanted to say previously was that you might be developing feelings for him and you were open to exploring something more. In the final analysis, you basically called him a whore because you were angry about not getting something you weren't entitled to.

    You might try contacting him again if you think it could help but given what you've described I would not be too hopeful. He's got multiple FWBs and seems on the surface to be pretty content with that - hard to see a rationale where he would contact you until his situation changes (if then).

    You might also give some thought about what FWB ultimately means to you and if that's really something you are going to be able to roll with in the future.

    It's not for everybody and there's no shame in not taking that path.
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    Jan 06, 2013 1:47 AM GMT
    Not everyone is cut out for the FWB scenario. Just like him, you should've been fucking other people too to avoid catching feelings. Instead you allowed yourself to solely focus on him and now feelings are present. My suggestion is to move on with someone else and next time don't put yourself in a FWB situation unless you plan on dating/sleeping with someone other than the FWB.
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Jan 06, 2013 1:50 AM GMT
    IceBuckets saidFirst off, this is why I wouldn't ever agree to a friends with benefits deal. But you don't need me to tell you that and lecture you on that.

    You have feelings for him - therefore any hooking up will just make things worse for you. He obviously isn't going to develop feelings if he's fucking around with other guys. So I say hand him an ultimatum: the FWB isn't going to work out anymore - if he wants to see you again then it has to be in a relationship capacity. But even then - because he is fooling around with other guys - I wouldn't trust him 100% to be faithful. Your best bet - for your sake - is to bid each other adieu. icon_sad.gif

    It sucks and it's going to hurt but for your own sake and sanity, it's for the best.


    This is really good advice. +1 Ice Buckets
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    Jan 06, 2013 5:11 AM GMT
    Tenebrism saidIt's a somewhat minor - but relevant - point in the context of everything else here, but he was under no obligation to disclose anything about his sexual activities outside of you (unless you had asked prior to this and he had lied) ... and it seems to me that sharing what you knew from your friend might have really put him off.


    Maybe I kind of put him off with the friend thing but I did ask him about his prior sexual activities and he told me the last person he slept with was "some kid" before he met me. Which turned out to be a lie because he told my friend he has several fuck buddies.


    And thanks for the advice/opinions everyone! I appreciate it.
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    Jan 06, 2013 10:37 AM GMT
    blankpage said
    Tenebrism saidIt's a somewhat minor - but relevant - point in the context of everything else here, but he was under no obligation to disclose anything about his sexual activities outside of you (unless you had asked prior to this and he had lied) ... and it seems to me that sharing what you knew from your friend might have really put him off.


    Maybe I kind of put him off with the friend thing but I did ask him about his prior sexual activities and he told me the last person he slept with was "some kid" before he met me. Which turned out to be a lie because he told my friend he has several fuck buddies.


    And thanks for the advice/opinions everyone! I appreciate it.
    Thanks for sharing that - it helps to understand the context of that text conversation a bit better. Good luck sorting through everything, man.
  • Marko89

    Posts: 239

    Jan 06, 2013 4:20 PM GMT
    TheBizMan saidI was in a similar predicament a few months back, only I was on the opposite end. My FWB started having feelings for me. If your guy is anything like me, he is DEFINITELY not ready for a relationship.

    Haha, this whole situation sounds oddly familiar.. I remember using a lot of the same lines as him it seems.


    Hmmm yep thats pretty much where I'm at with my FBuddy at the moment.