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Does anyone else deal with this? I know that everyone has social anxiety or uncertainty during social interactions to an extent. Mine feels pretty limiting at times. I just can't seem to relax and have a good time in a lot of social situations, especially if I'm in a bar or club, or in a group above a certain number of people. Sometimes it feels paralyzing to the point where it takes someone speaking to me to snap me out of it. It's like I want to interact, but I forget how. I don't want to be viewed as the uptight and standoffish guy anymore.

Anyone have any coping mechanisms that they find might help alleviate some of the stress?

I'm not like this in interactions as far as work, school, and other day to day things go.

Thanks

I've dealt with this. I helps to put yourself out there little by little to realize that your worst case scenario probably won't happen and if it does you can handle it.
There is a book called " Dying of Embarrassment" (I forget the author's name) which was helpful. At one point it tells you to trip on purpose in front of a group of people....I haven't done that one yet.

Not being a therapist or having stayed at a Holiday Inn Express I would guess that you need to become more at peace with yourself. When you really believe in yourself then other people's opinions can't possibly harm you. If you know their opinions or comments can't harm you then you are no longer scared to interact. In contrast, if your self-esteem is tied to what other people think then you will always feel vulnerable in a social situation.

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It helps when you're with good friends, I guess. I get to be myself around them. But when alone and surrounded by people you don't know with whom you are supposed to interact with... especially have fun with (parties, bars, and whatnot) I get all stiff and shit. It's the fear of rejection I think. :/

Oh My God!
Runninchlt, you have described me to a T. I zone out so bad. I can hear people talking but I can't figure out what they are saying. When I know that I have to go to a function I try to think of anything to get out of it. It is so bad I get really sick in my stomach and I start sweating. Once I am there it is like you said I become paralyzed. I don't know what to say or do. I feel like I want to go off into a corner and hide. Luckily my partner is very outgoing. That can be good or bad. I find that I usually stand by and let him do all of the talking, unless I've had a few drinks.

When I had social anxiety, I was proscribed Prozac. Since the Prozac caused me sexual problems, the psychiatrist changed it to Wellbutrin, which has no sexual side effects.
Once I was relaxed enough to behave socially comfortable, I got to experience how it felt, and realized the anxiety was unneeded and caused me much angst!
Just a thought.

I constantly try to push my boundries on social anxiety .....

I try to surround myself with my close best friends. They are like safety blanket for me. As I become thinner and more fit I do believe that will resolve to be a lot easier.

Make myself just get out there and try new things and have a great time.

Thank you for the input guys. Debated for a few days on what to write, it's really a combination of factors. But it's mostly situational. I think I'll be ok, it impacts me for a minimal amount of time. I'll take progression in small steps I suppose. I don't think it really warrants going on meds or anything like that. I think the problem is more inside my own head than anything else.

GeorgeE saidOh My God!
Runninchlt, you have described me to a T. I zone out so bad. I can hear people talking but I can't figure out what they are saying. When I know that I have to go to a function I try to think of anything to get out of it. It is so bad I get really sick in my stomach and I start sweating. Once I am there it is like you said I become paralyzed. I don't know what to say or do. I feel like I want to go off into a corner and hide. Luckily my partner is very outgoing. That can be good or bad. I find that I usually stand by and let him do all of the talking, unless I've had a few drinks.

Nausea and sweating are seen in panic attacks associated with social phobias. Professional medical help may be indicated, since this exceeds the normal range for ordinary "shyness" or insecurity. Someone who worked for me had this problem, and would become physically sick in social situations. She was prescribed Wellbutrin, which was moderately effective, though not without some side effects.

I would recommend remembering where you do feel socially comfortable. Simply having a touchstone of a place and setting can help you transfer that calmness to a new area. Building up those social skills in other settings and then putting them in the bars is an excellent strategy.

Going a bit deeper, bell hooks said, "All is union and reunion." The Buddhist scholars that I read and admire all see interconnectedness and social relationships as continuous, and merely ebbing and flowing with who we feel comfortable with at the time. Holding the thought that we are all inseparable, that we cannot exist without this whole universe supporting us, makes introductions and flirting all the easier. What don't two people have in common? Social anxiety, from their and my perspective, holds that the fear that we cannot relate to others comes with forgetting that we have so much in common with others, and they with us.

I've dealt with this with a Psychiatrist and counselor and still have some issues. I don't remember what medication I tried--Effexor, I think. It didn't seem to do much, and coming off of it was really annoying.

My "freeze-up" moment in social settings is seeing a crowded room where everyone seems to be talking to each other. I panic not knowing how to "insert" myself properly and how to introduce myself. Clearly I would make a horrible outside sales person.

Brady527 saidI would recommend remembering where you do feel socially comfortable. Simply having a touchstone of a place and setting can help you transfer that calmness to a new area. Building up those social skills in other settings and then putting them in the bars is an excellent strategy.

Going a bit deeper, bell hooks said, "All is union and reunion." The Buddhist scholars that I read and admire all see interconnectedness and social relationships as continuous, and merely ebbing and flowing with who we feel comfortable with at the time. Holding the thought that we are all inseparable, that we cannot exist without this whole universe supporting us, makes introductions and flirting all the easier. What don't two people have in common? Social anxiety, from their and my perspective, holds that the fear that we cannot relate to others comes with forgetting that we have so much in common with others, and they with us.

i like this. thank you for posting.

Anytime. Hope you are doing well and drop a line if you ever need some more support. Go out there and knock 'em dead.

:-)

Runninchlt saidDoes anyone else deal with this? I know that everyone has social anxiety or uncertainty during social interactions to an extent. Mine feels pretty limiting at times. I just can't seem to relax and have a good time in a lot of social situations, especially if I'm in a bar or club, or in a group above a certain number of people. Sometimes it feels paralyzing to the point where it takes someone speaking to me to snap me out of it. It's like I want to interact, but I forget how. I don't want to be viewed as the uptight and standoffish guy anymore.

Anyone have any coping mechanisms that they find might help alleviate some of the stress?

I'm not like this in interactions as far as work, school, and other day to day things go.

Thanks

Runninchlt,

I find I have same problem. Especially in a room full of new people that I do not know. I always get anxiety approaching people because I am afraid of not knowing what to say and having those "awkward" moments or silence. So, like any other fear, I try to avoid it which means I sit by the side and do nothing all night and look very stand-offish and snobby. People tell me I have a "mean look" all the time but its not mean, just a little nervous.

I force myself to interact more with people. I wish I wasn't so scared all the time. I am currently on Welbutrin and Celexa just because I am a nervous person naturally. They seem to calm my nerves down a bit but there are still nerves there.

I get that way when I'm on a date. It totally blows considering I'm such an outgoing person and have commentary on just about everything.

Yeah this describes me really well. I am very outgoing once the ice is broken. Most of the time people that I actually meet on any sort of real level end up becoming friends. It's the getting there that sucks. I've been described as being a wall flower and as being intimidating. I've been told that my physical size combined with my shyness comes across as being intimidating. So this becomes a self replicating pattern. I'm completely uncomfortable in large groups of people where I don't know them, since I am uncomfortable, they pick up on that at some level and decide I'm intimidating so that leads them to not come up and introduce themselves, which just reinforces the whole socially awkward cycle. No good. Unfortunately, this also leads me to drink in these settings because it's the only way I can overcome being so excessively inhibited. I too need to figure out a way to get past it because it ends up being a pretty significant limitation to me and one that is not welcome at all. I completely admire the outgoing, social butterfly, clown guy that can walk into a bar, talk to everyone in the place, everyone instantly likes him, clowns around on the dance floor, etc. I would give up most anything in order to be that uninhibited. If you find a solution that works for you, you should definitely post it here.

YngHungSFSD said If you find a solution that works for you, you should definitely post it here.

Here's one: genuinely not giving a shit whether people will like you or approve of you or not.

Not saying you don't care, actually not caring.

Odd thing is, then they will like you.

jprichva said

YngHungSFSD said If you find a solution that works for you, you should definitely post it here.

Here's one: genuinely not giving a shit whether people will like you or approve of you or not.

Not saying you don't care, actually not caring.

Odd thing is, then they will like you.

This is very true as is not saying much makes people think you are smarter.

I have antisocial tendencies also and don't feel comfortable in settings of people that I don't know. Heck, some of the people I do know I'm not comfortable being around! I am, however, comfortable with myself and realize that I don't have to be where ever I am at. Very large crowds are somewhat easier since I can keep moving around but if it's a small to medium sized party and I only know one or two people I really don't think they want me hanging around them the entire night.

Currently Reading: Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With The Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach, Ph.D.

If one would like to be more calm, in my opinion, just be more calm. We are fully aware of our emotions. We simply have the task of being more conscious of our root thoughts which lead to our external feelings.

Good Luck being more peaceful in social settings!

It's been a long road for me personally. And, it was worth all the challenges to be where I am today!


Joe

Social anxiety disorder may involve up to 10% of the population. It probably is more common in homosexual males than heterosexual males. The problem can get so severe that careers are jeopardized by fear of public speaking or social interaction. These individuals will accept lesser jobs just to avoid the anxiety produced. The lack of friends can lead to social isolation and depression increasing the risk for substance and alcohol abuse.

Treatment is by two means

1. Cognitive behavior therapy..the goal of CBT is to guide the person's thoughts in a more rational direction and help the person stop avoiding situations that once caused anxiety. This is done by a psychologist

2. Medications; SSRI's, beta blockers, and antianxiety agents

Cognitive therapy is the more effective of the two

Counseling to improve self-esteem and social skills, as well as relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing, may also help a person deal with social anxiety disorder

kneedraggen saidSocial anxiety disorder may involve up to 10% of the population. It probably is more common in homosexual males than heterosexual males. The problem can get so severe that careers are jeopardized by fear of public speaking or social interaction.

Good comments. Our RJ Brother in his OP said: "Sometimes it feels paralyzing to the point where it takes someone speaking to me to snap me out of it."

I can't know if "paralyzing" is literal or rhetorical. But if literal, does this not suggest a more profound problem, that requires some professional consultation, as I suggested above? Having supervised someone with a severe social phobia, I know the reality of this disorder. It can only worsen over time, and I strongly encourage a professional evaluation to determine the nature of this condition.

If it's nothing more than simple social shyness, which I have myself, then great. If it's a more serious issue, even a phobia, then it needs to be addressed quickly, before it becomes disabling.

Oh wow. I didn't realize that the thread had been going recently. It was just brought back to my attention via a private message.

I'm doing much better now. I've been taking classes towards my Substance Abuse Counseling Certification and I've picked up a lot of good things in there about human, family, and social dynamics in general. Large groups and bars still freak me out a bit so I'm working on that.

I read a great book called "Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness" by Gillian Butler. I recommend it to anyone who is struggling.

Sorry for the essay.

I use to be very bad in social situations. Lots of stress, But I just kept subjecting myself to those kind of situations....over time, it got way better. Just keep saying to yourself" You got nothing to fear"

May work for ya.....

I seem to deal with a lot of the same problems you're describing. I was on Paxil and that seemed to work for a while, but then caused massive weight gain and depression so I stopped taking it. I've pretty much resigned myself to being terrified at parties or when I go out to bars. I can handle a few people at a time, but that's about it. At this point I've decided that I'll just have to try and live my life and try to be happy with the way my brain's wired.

Sounds like we're all stressed out about Social anxiety?
Guys just need to hug more

Mikeylikesit saidI use to be very bad in social situations. Lots of stress, But I just kept subjecting myself to those kind of situations....over time, it got way better. Just keep saying to yourself" You got nothing to fear"

May work for ya.....

That's what I've been trying to do. I'm socially retarded, horrible with small talk and not comfortable with people until I've been around them a lot.

healthseeker saidI've dealt with this. I helps to put yourself out there little by little to realize that your worst case scenario probably won't happen and if it does you can handle it.
There is a book called " Dying of Embarrassment" (I forget the author's name) which was helpful. At one point it tells you to trip on purpose in front of a group of people....I haven't done that one yet.

Mmm, I did that getting on the subway the other day.

Not on purpose though!

Old thread! But I don't think anyone has mentioned Toastmasters, a great group for getting comfortable speaking in front of other people, also helps with anxiety. I sent a lot of my direct reports to them. Most cities and towns have a chapter.

-Doug

GuerrillaSodomite said I can handle a few people at a time, but that's about it. At this point I've decided that I'll just have to try and live my life and try to be happy with the way my brain's wired.

Yup, feel the exact same....

I can't say I've ever felt like I had a social phobia any more than most people. But when I was younger and less confident I'd have that experience that 1969er talked about where you'd walk into a room and see people already grouped up and not know how to insert yourself into the situation.

Some years later, I took a job where I was sort of the director of activities and social director for gatherings like that, so it was my duty to mingle, meet, and speak with everyone in the room.

At first I really had to force myself to do it, and it felt forced. I had to put myself in the mindset that I was an actor, playing the part of a politician. Seriously, that's how I overcame the anxiety of the situation.

After a while of doing that, I actually came to enjoy that interaction and realized that people in general are a lot more friendly and open to social interaction than we think. Most people, I would say, feel a sense of relief when someone (like you) comes and makes conversation with them because it takes the pressure off of them to break the ice with strangers.

Because of that experience, today I'm extremely social and feel entirely comfortable in a roomful of strangers, who I know will become acquaintances I've chatted with before the end of the night.

DuggerPDX saidOld thread! But I don't think anyone has mentioned Toastmasters, a great group for getting comfortable speaking in front of other people, also helps with anxiety. I sent a lot of my direct reports to them. Most cities and towns have a chapter.

-Doug

A good suggestion. A variant on this approach was when I was in the Army, and was put in positions where I had to speak before groups of other soldiers, as my rank advanced. No option, you WILL do it, soldier! And it did help to eliminate my social & speaking shyness. Oh, gawd, did it ever! LOL!

Toastmasters is certainly not so regimented or demanding as the Army. But accepting public speaking opportunities is a great way to overcome social shyness, with the help & assistance of people who have been there themselves.

I don't have it to a debilitating degree, I'm just socially retarded. I'm not good at small talk and usually say something inappropriate.

Value your friends like gold. Social anxiety can be crippling. You can learn to reduce it and be happy, but I don't think you can completely erase it.

Some people have tried medicine and other forms of therapy. I don't know if that works, but it might help to get a professional opinion and counseling.

People who love you and care for you and not judge you will create a safe enviornment that will allow you to lighten up and not feel uptight about being yourself. Love yourself first and that's the vibe people will pick up on. I know, its easier said than done.

Gradually taking baby steps, and forcing yourself to be out there helps too. Gradually engage people in short conversations and don't have a specific agenda with them. Build up to more lengthy conversations and don't forget to talk about yourself.....your work, your life, your hobbies etc.

Don't forget that you are a human being and that you have the right to triumph, win, loose, take chances, make mistakes, feel awkward, get embarressed, feel proud and be happy just like everyone else........who is as imperfect as you.

Some people think that being physically good looking and attractive is a guarantee for social acceptance, but it isn't. In fact, having social anxiety and being magnet for attention can make the anxiety much much worse. So if working out and getting fit and looking good is on your agenda, do it not to gain acceptance, but to bolster your own self esteem and to feel good about your accomplishments and goals.

Good luck!

Being shy, social anxiety and all that stuff is not very supported these days. I have tried to be social and join things, etc, etc. Each time I feel like I have to work so hard b/c no one really cares about you. Rarely do people make an effort to talk to the shy one in the corner. People are so "it;s not business" and "that's there thing, not mine" type of mentality. No one should assume that that person just wants to be left alone cuz maybe it's the complete opposite. I am shy to a point but even I make an effort to talk to the underdog and the person who is all alone. Mainly cuz I know how they feel.

People look at shy people, etc like they should figure it out themselves. If more people were open and more nice and accepting, maybe so many people wouldn't be afraid of being talkative, etc. So many times guys would be like, "talk, come on", or something like that. Like, it's not that easy!!

I feel like my social anxiety, whatever, stems from years of neglect, rejection, and disappointments by people. I used to be very outgoing and fun until my parents stuffed pills in me and I got very boring in HS. If we make an effort than I feel "other" people should make just as much of an effort to help us

I tend to have a bit of social anxiety myself. I relate it to having grown up as an only child. I do fine in situations where I know everyone, but in larger groups, I tend to get stressed out. For me, I try to find out who's going to be there and what the plan is before I ever commit. I don't really see it as avoiding social situations, but rather not stressing myself out. It's all about putting your best foot forward and if you can't in certain situations, then avoid those. Like you said, you don't want to be the guy that is stand-offish. I tend to avoid all places with unorganized crowds, a dancefloor the size of a football field is not one of them. That is probably the oddest part about it, I like going out and love to dance, I'm just not a social butterfly.


Don't think something is wrong until you explore your true feelings, the root of your anxiety. Bottom line, if being social stresses you out, it may not be your thing. Some people feel social when they are reading a book at a coffeehouse, that's ok. You just gotta know what your comfort level is.

I honestly don't know what to tell you, I'm the complete opposite despite being reserved.

I think most people attach that fear of rejection and think up scenarios in their head before they even talk to someone. Most people start going through a laundry list of assumptions based on how someone looks, who they might be with, etc.

For me I basically give everyone in my mind a clean slate and talk to them first, i try not to make any assumptions on anything until i personally talk to them. That's just my thought process. I think performing in public had helped me alot too personally.

Im not much help but I hope maybe that gives you some kind of insight.

Great topic....I am relieved to know that I am not alone in this.

Sometimes when I am in a crowded, public place....I suddenly have to check to make sure I remembered to put my pants on before I left home.