So I came out to my mom and it did not go well...

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    Jan 06, 2013 3:05 AM GMT
    I still live at home (don't make fun of me) and she's been suspicious of me for a while because I've been sneaking around and texting and talking to guys. So she grilled me about this friend that I talk to on the phone a lot because she was concerned that people might think I might be gay and she didn't like secrets. I have been spinning a web of lies to cover my tracks and I just got tired of it. So I told her her if she really wanted to know whether I was gay and I told her I was.

    She said that now she's gonna tell the family and they're all gonna think she's a bad mother for raising a sissy. Then she asks me when I chose to be gay. Then she says that I'm choosing not to be normal and get married and have kids. And I'm like "so you want to be a priest or marry a woman, have kids and live a lie?" Then she tells me that my father committed suicide because he was ashamed of me which is not true and is a real bitch move.

    She has suspected I was gay for a long time and has outright asked me and I have denied it.

    She reacted just like I thought she would which is why I didn't wanna tell her... It's all about her and her damn pride. But w/e, the cat's out of the bag and I'm free to be who I am and if she doesn't like it then too bad. I am officially out!
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    Jan 06, 2013 3:10 AM GMT
    Good for you! Don't worry about your mom too much. She may come around after she has some time to process this. Even if she doesn't, enjoy the freedom.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 06, 2013 3:19 AM GMT
    You're hot.icon_razz.gif
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Jan 06, 2013 3:20 AM GMT
    Just remain respectful while you live under her roof, but once you're on your own 2 feet, this will all be a distant memory and maybe one day she'll get over her pride and win back her adorable son.
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    Jan 06, 2013 3:21 AM GMT
    That's the spirit! If she don't like it, tell her to STFU and GTFO.

    Then scream "yo momma!" as you flip her teh bird and walk out.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 06, 2013 3:24 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear that your mom didn't understand. As you indicate that your father committed suicide, I hope that you know that yourr mother is going through her own turmoil. Perhaps she is struggling to understand and facing feelings of guilt. Sad it is so much for a young man to take on his shoulders. It will probably take a while, but hopefully she will find a way to deal with her life. Try to find a support network you can depend on, maybe friends or other family members. Hang in there, time has a way of working things out. Keep your spirits up. People can only pull you down with them, if you let them. Just know that you are stronger than that.
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    Jan 06, 2013 3:34 AM GMT
    Sorry to be blunt, but sounds like Mom is a control freak. It might be healthier to get out of there. Why is a 27-year-old still living at home? No man, gay or straight, can have his own life still living at home with Mom.
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    Jan 06, 2013 3:37 AM GMT
    TheBizMan saidJust remain respectful while you live under her roof, but once you're on your own 2 feet, this will all be a distant memory and maybe one day she'll get over her pride and win back her adorable son.


    I got to get out of this house and on my own away from people all up in my business. I can't wait to graduate from college and get a good job so I can handle my debts.
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    Jan 06, 2013 3:39 AM GMT
    ART_DECO saidSorry to be blunt, but sounds like Mom is a control freak. It might be healthier to get out of there. Why is a 27-year-old still living at home? No man, gay or straight, can have his own life still living at home with Mom.


    Yes she is. I haven't left because I have debts, have had a tough time finding work and am in school. Free room and board.
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    Jan 06, 2013 3:42 AM GMT
    ART_DECO saidSorry to be blunt, but sounds like Mom is a control freak. It might be healthier to get out of there. Why is a 27-year-old still living at home? No man, gay or straight, can have his own life still living at home with Mom.
    I lived with my mom from age 31-34 so I could use all needed funds for college and flight training. Of course, I was working as an engineer. icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 06, 2013 4:38 AM GMT
    ART_DECO saidSorry to be blunt, but sounds like Mom is a control freak. It might be healthier to get out of there. Why is a 27-year-old still living at home? No man, gay or straight, can have his own life still living at home with Mom.
    Lots of people these days do Art. Leaving home at a young age is an American fad. It's much less common in other cultures. I'm Jewish, and Jews are notorious for staying at home for awhile. Think my aunt lived with her mother until she got married in her 40s.

    With the way the economy is, poor jobs, etc. not everyone has the means to move out.

    But I do agree it makes it harder to deal with a disapproving mother.
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    Jan 06, 2013 5:02 AM GMT
    Shyguy, she has to understand that even though with some people gay can be a small part of a person, it's no choice at all (she should feel ashamed to think that), and as vital as that heart or brain we all seem to require, small as they are.
    Try do without one.

    Tell her that, and even who told you to say it. icon_wink.gif

    "She said that now she's gonna tell the family and they're all gonna think she's a bad mother for raising a sissy."

    They're more likely going to be most unimpressed that she would think them so bigoted.


  • blueandgold

    Posts: 396

    Jan 06, 2013 7:14 AM GMT
    ART_DECO saidSorry to be blunt, but sounds like Mom is a control freak. It might be healthier to get out of there. Why is a 27-year-old still living at home? No man, gay or straight, can have his own life still living at home with Mom.


    I really have to disagree with this statement. Ill be blunt: its callous and ignorant. My partner comes from a culture where its expected that people live at home until they want to our have to move out. I think that the over emphasis on "getting out and getting a life" is a wholly American phenomenon.

    I recently moved back in with my parents. i have an advanced degree, am a military veteran, and have a six figure salary. I stay with them because i love them, and they need me.

    And I'm happy to. And i have my own life. They respect my space, and i respect theirs.
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    Jan 06, 2013 7:42 AM GMT
    Shyguy_1986 saidThen she tells me that my father committed suicide because he was ashamed of me which is not true and is a real bitch move.


    First off, congrats on coming out, but bud- calling that a bitch move is way too generous.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Jan 06, 2013 7:48 AM GMT
    Shyguy_1986 saidThen she tells me that my father committed suicide because he was ashamed of me which is not true and is a real bitch move.


    Bitch move is an understatement, does your mother have mental issues or symptoms of mental issues? I ask because this is an abnormally toxic and extreme thing for parental figure to say to her child. Has she said things like this before?

    Hopefully you can maintain a cordial space until you are able to get away from this unacceptable verbal abuse.

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    Jan 06, 2013 7:52 AM GMT
    blueandgold said
    ART_DECO saidSorry to be blunt, but sounds like Mom is a control freak. It might be healthier to get out of there. Why is a 27-year-old still living at home? No man, gay or straight, can have his own life still living at home with Mom.


    I really have to disagree with this statement. Ill be blunt: its callous and ignorant. My partner comes from a culture where its expected that people live at home until they want to our have to move out. I think that the over emphasis on "getting out and getting a life" is a wholly American phenomenon.

    I recently moved back in with my parents. i have an advanced degree, am a military veteran, and have a six figure salary. I stay with them because i love them, and they need me.

    And I'm happy to. And i have my own life. They respect my space, and i respect theirs.


    Your situation has NOTHING to do with the OP.

    No one is questioning your reasons for living with your parents.
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    Jan 06, 2013 7:52 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidThat's the spirit! If she don't like it, tell her to STFU and GTFO.

    Then scream "yo momma!" as you flip her teh bird and walk out.

    Legendary LOL!
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    Jan 06, 2013 7:56 AM GMT
    OP:

    CONGRATULATIONS on owning who You are in a less than welcoming environment.

    Now face the REAL facts -- You are living in an extremely toxic environment.

    Get out. Find YOUR own life. And harsh as it sounds...leave her in the rearview mirror and never look back.

    She may come around - so leave a door open, but the suicide comment is about as below-the-belt as it gets.

    I wish You well!!!!

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    Jan 06, 2013 8:15 AM GMT
    Cash saidOP:

    CONGRATULATIONS on owning who You are in a less than welcoming environment.

    Now face the REAL facts -- You are living in an extremely toxic environment.

    Get out. Find YOUR own life. And harsh as it sounds...leave her in the rearview mirror and never look back.

    She may come around - so leave a door open, but the suicide comment is about as below-the-belt as it gets.

    I wish You well!!!!




    this. And don't be scared. The reality of these situations is that it is not about mothers facing up to gay sons, it's about them facing up to what love really means.

    You have invited her to live her love for you for real, so she has to accept that invitation. You can still love her from a distance that is psychologically safe for you; that keeps you intact as the man you are now.
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    Jan 06, 2013 8:18 AM GMT
    It took you this long to be comfortable with who you are. Please give her half the times to be comfortable with the idea that her son is gay.

    *hugs*
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    Jan 06, 2013 8:31 AM GMT
    Good for you for coming out to your mother! You already knew it was *never* going to go well, so now you can be done with all the lying and bs that is such a waste of good energy that you can now put to much better use. You're super cute and have great hair, and in 20 years you're gonna be loving that you have a hard time putting on weight. For all that you can thank your parents, but it sounds like that's about the only silver lining you can wrap around your situation relative to the parents you were dealt. I'm sorry your dad killed himself, but I'm especially sorry that your mother is a terrible person. Your broken parents aren't and never were yours to fix, and besides, you could no more fix your mother's bent reality than you can fix that your dad is dead. I know this because I got dealt the same dumb ass mother. I didn't have to come out to my mother because she *found* me out when I was 16. She made it all about her and was anything but motherly. My parents split up a couple of years later, and while my dad came around by the time I graduated from college - he and I were tight as can be from that point on - my now 81 year old mother still talks smack - behind my back of course - about me being gay. Both of my parents made choices. My dad made a choice to get over it and love me and participate in my life. My mother made a choice to be a pentecostal turbo christian and has missed out on knowing anything real about me or my rather interesting life.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jan 06, 2013 8:39 AM GMT
    So may things to be said about this. But, first, congrats. Coming out where you know a parent might not react well is the toughest.

    I think it's easy to use the same dynamic we've lived with so long. We get used to deferring to our parents, and our parents treat us like kids. That's not easy to break. And, yes, living under her roof means you owe her a certain amount of respect, that doesn't mean at 27 you don't deserve some privacy and respect yourself. Especially if you're mother is so childish when angry that she suggests your father committed suicide because he was ashamed of you. That really lacks class. It's tough, but at that moment - rather than taking the beat and reacting with the same venom - you need to take a step back and you need to act like the adult.

    But as you say, you now have power in the truth, no longer living the lie of the closet. Hold your head with pride. Hopefully she'll give you respect and accept you. But, if not, and she tries to pull you into arguments like this in the future, don't feed into it. Rise above it, keep calm, explain this is who you are, you didn't choose this. You have to be the voice of reason.

    Even though she's suspected this for some time, confirming the news can still be a blow. And be understanding if she feels the need to blame herself, or someone else. It's part of the mourning process she's going through. You know, denial, anger, bargaining, etc., and finally acceptance. And it's not always a straight line, and back-and-forth. You're the expert on this now, and you have to lead her. But, this may be emotional for her for a while.

    I went through some drama with my mother, though not this bad. She wanted me to keep it quiet. As I was coming out she didn't want me to be near the windows so the neighbors might hear. She did try to blame herself a few times over the next few months. Then she started sending me news articles from the paper and outing me to the neighbors and her coworkers. A couple of years ago she was even befriended by a group of gay men who invited her to their parties. She's come a long way.
  • blueandgold

    Posts: 396

    Jan 06, 2013 10:25 AM GMT
    Cash said
    blueandgold said
    ART_DECO saidSorry to be blunt, but sounds like Mom is a control freak. It might be healthier to get out of there. Why is a 27-year-old still living at home? No man, gay or straight, can have his own life still living at home with Mom.


    I really have to disagree with this statement. Ill be blunt: its callous and ignorant. My partner comes from a culture where its expected that people live at home until they want to our have to move out. I think that the over emphasis on "getting out and getting a life" is a wholly American phenomenon.

    I recently moved back in with my parents. i have an advanced degree, am a military veteran, and have a six figure salary. I stay with them because i love them, and they need me.

    And I'm happy to. And i have my own life. They respect my space, and i respect theirs.


    Your situation has NOTHING to do with the OP.

    No one is questioning your reasons for living with your parents.


    Respectfully, i disagree. Consider the following statement.

    "no man, gay or straight, can have his own life while living at home with mom".
    That is a direct quite from arts response.

    This relates to the op because i disagree with arts assessment of his home life. I think that the op can in fact have a life while living at home. I then used myself as an example. Using arts quote again, i would argue that he would in fact feel the same way about me. The phrase "no man" is pretty all inclusive.

    I apologize fur my lack of articulation, but i think i got my point across. I an unfortunately typing from my cell phone.

    All the best.

    John

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    Jan 06, 2013 10:35 AM GMT
    blueandgold said
    Cash said
    blueandgold said
    ART_DECO saidSorry to be blunt, but sounds like Mom is a control freak. It might be healthier to get out of there. Why is a 27-year-old still living at home? No man, gay or straight, can have his own life still living at home with Mom.


    I really have to disagree with this statement. Ill be blunt: its callous and ignorant. My partner comes from a culture where its expected that people live at home until they want to our have to move out. I think that the over emphasis on "getting out and getting a life" is a wholly American phenomenon.

    I recently moved back in with my parents. i have an advanced degree, am a military veteran, and have a six figure salary. I stay with them because i love them, and they need me.

    And I'm happy to. And i have my own life. They respect my space, and i respect theirs.


    Your situation has NOTHING to do with the OP.

    No one is questioning your reasons for living with your parents.


    Respectfully, i disagree. Consider the following statement.

    "no man, gay or straight, can have his own life while living at home with mom".
    That is a direct quite from arts response.

    This relates to the op because i disagree with arts assessment of his home life. I think that the op can in fact have a life while living at home. I then used myself as an example. Using arts quote again, i would argue that he would in fact feel the same way about me. The phrase "no man" is pretty all inclusive.

    I apologize fur my lack of articulation, but i think i got my point across. I an unfortunately typing from my cell phone.

    All the best.

    John



    TRUST Me -- I have no desire to agree with arty D ina ANY way...

    Read what the OP's mother said to Him.

    When is the last time YOUR Mother said anything like that to You?

    Your situation has NOTHING to do with he situation of the OP.

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    Jan 06, 2013 10:36 AM GMT
    Shyguy_1986 saidI still live at home (don't make fun of me) and she's been suspicious of me for a while because I've been sneaking around and texting and talking to guys. So she grilled me about this friend that I talk to on the phone a lot because she was concerned that people might think I might be gay and she didn't like secrets. I have been spinning a web of lies to cover my tracks and I just got tired of it. So I told her her if she really wanted to know whether I was gay and I told her I was.

    She said that now she's gonna tell the family and they're all gonna think she's a bad mother for raising a sissy. Then she asks me when I chose to be gay. Then she says that I'm choosing not to be normal and get married and have kids. And I'm like "so you want to be a priest or marry a woman, have kids and live a lie?" Then she tells me that my father committed suicide because he was ashamed of me which is not true and is a real bitch move.

    She has suspected I was gay for a long time and has outright asked me and I have denied it.

    She reacted just like I thought she would which is why I didn't wanna tell her... It's all about her and her damn pride. But w/e, the cat's out of the bag and I'm free to be who I am and if she doesn't like it then too bad. I am officially out!


    Sorry to hear it didn't go well and you obviously know her better than I do.

    I can't imagine what you're going through, especially with the whole suicide business, but it might be the time to spread your wings and leave the nest.