What If I'm Not Meant To Get Married or Have Children

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 07, 2013 10:53 AM GMT
    I love kids, I always have and my career goals and jobs that were centered around them and they really respond to me. I just love them.


    I was at church today when my friend's toddler came and sat on me on my knee. He's my buddy, and he is the exact child I dream of having.

    He even has the name I dreamed of giving my son. Kameron.
    He is the child I want.

    And I started thinking to myself...I may never have that, I may never get married or have a kid. I have to move away just to get married and even then it's not guranteed. I can't rush it or make it happen, and there is so many reasons why it wont.

    I have been trying all day not to worry/think about it but it's 5 in the morning and I am still dwelling on it.

    Sometimes I wonder if I am waiting for something that may not be reality for me.

    Alot of gay men don't want to get married or don't want kids, I just think how can I possible find this, and where.

    I'm not trying to bring anyone down, and I haven't been sad in a while but when I see children and their parents, I just get a little down. I don;t want to be a single parent, and I have sickle cell anemia so I don;t want the child to be related to me because he could be sick...

    I don;t think I could handle it if the guy I did find was related to the child and not me ...I just don;t know. So many things to consider, that I wonder maybe because I want it, does not mean it will happen.icon_cry.gif
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    Jan 07, 2013 12:33 PM GMT
    ain't gonna find it in alabama buddy
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Jan 07, 2013 1:11 PM GMT
    QueenVenom saidain't gonna find it in alabama buddy
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    Jan 07, 2013 2:22 PM GMT
    You could always move back home, but moving somewhere with more of what you need and want may help, in some part, to give you want and need out of your self and life.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 07, 2013 2:28 PM GMT
    That feeling of wanting children goes away, once you stop being a child yourself. It's like quitting smoking. You just gotta think about how awful kids are to your health.icon_lol.gif
  • Lincsbear

    Posts: 2603

    Jan 07, 2013 4:01 PM GMT
    I can appreciate something of how you feel as I`ve been through phases of desperately wanting children, especially a son. But I never found the man who wanted to share that with me. As I`ve grown older the desire has faded and other things have become more important to me.
    For now, you`re too young to be worrying about being a father. You need to live, do things, and mature. Then you maybe ready to take on all that responsibility. If so, it will be the hardest thing you ever do, but the most rewarding, so it`s not to be entered into lightly.
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    Jan 07, 2013 4:45 PM GMT
    Jamie - First of all, I admire the fact that you want to have a son. But I have to ask you, do you know what it's like to take care of a child? I mean from the get-go as newborns when you are getting up 3x at night to either feed or change a diaper? Some of the parents I deal with at work have the hardest time coping with a newborn because everything has changed. Your primary focus is now on this baby. Also, once the child starts walking and talking, the challenges grow with the child as he/she needs education, constant protection and love...all of which I'm sure you are perfectly capable of giving. But the bottom line is, your entire world now revolves around this child and this is the primary reason why most gay men do not want children because they do not want to give up what they enjoy.

    As for sickle cell, this should be the least of your concerns. The trait does not necessarily pass from one generation to the next and the child can carry the genetics of the non-sickle cell trait parent. Regardless, I hope you get your answers. It can't be easy having the feelings you have about wanting children but then again, it isn't easy being a parent either.
  • slimnmuscly

    Posts: 541

    Jan 07, 2013 5:19 PM GMT
    Read The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant by Dan Savage:

    https://www.kirkusreviews.com/book-reviews/dan-savage/the-kid/

    Read this blog, He and Him by Joey Guerra, about life as a new gay father:

    http://blog.chron.com/heandhim/author/joeyguerra/

    You're right that a lot in your life has to change in order for you to raise children under the circumstances you visualize. While you're working on making those changes happen, learn everything you can about the rapidly growing number of gay men raising children. Many of them grew up in environments at least as hostile as yours to gay fatherhood.
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    Jan 07, 2013 5:38 PM GMT
    QueenVenom saidain't gonna find it in alabama buddy


    lmao.

    For. the. muthaf***ing. win.






    But for real, maybe it's not meant to happen? Maybe it is? You clearly are trying to plan your life and are (what seems like to be) stressing about it. Stressing will only push it farther away and then life will take you in a totally different direction. You can't really plan life. You have to roll with it. Ride the wave out... you're young. Who cares anymore? Be young. And have tons of boyfriends, learn what you want/don't like, won't tolerate, learn to feel, really feel things for people, and be happy.
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    Jan 07, 2013 5:53 PM GMT
    Erik101 saidJamie - First of all, I admire the fact that you want to have a son. But I have to ask you, do you know what it's like to take care of a child? I mean from the get-go as newborns when you are getting up 3x at night to either feed or change a diaper? Some of the parents I deal with at work have the hardest time coping with a newborn because everything has changed. Your primary focus is now on this baby. Also, once the child starts walking and talking, the challenges grow with the child as he/she needs education, constant protection and love...all of which I'm sure you are perfectly capable of giving. But the bottom line is, your entire world now revolves around this child and this is the primary reason why most gay men do not want children because they do not want to give up what they enjoy.

    As for sickle cell, this should be the least of your concerns. The trait does not necessarily pass from one generation to the next and the child can carry the genetics of the non-sickle cell trait parent. Regardless, I hope you get your answers. It can't be easy having the feelings you have about wanting children but then again, it isn't easy being a parent either.

    That's insightful.
    But none of the parents have any idea in advance about how their life will be before they do really have a kid. May be its just another learning part of your life where you experience something new. Yeah someday I would like to raise a kid myself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 07, 2013 6:11 PM GMT


    "Sometimes I wonder if I am waiting for something that may not be reality for me. "

    So stop waiting. Go seek your life.

    Carpe Diem
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    Jan 07, 2013 6:22 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    Erik101 saidYour primary focus is now on this baby. Also, once the child starts walking and talking, the challenges grow with the child as he/she needs education, constant protection and love...all of which I'm sure you are perfectly capable of giving. But the bottom line is, your entire world now revolves around this child

    Honestly, this is why I recommend having children when you're young. Unfortunately the trend among both gay and straight is to have the kids when you're older. But it takes infinite energy and stamina to deal with newborns. I did the whole walking-the-floor-all-night thing with my kids and still was fresh and bright at work in the morning. I know for a fact I couldn't do that now, or even ten years ago. When my kids were born I was 25 and 27.


    but at 50 don't You have moar to offer???

    it's a trade-off one way or another..



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 07, 2013 6:24 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    Erik101 saidYour primary focus is now on this baby. Also, once the child starts walking and talking, the challenges grow with the child as he/she needs education, constant protection and love...all of which I'm sure you are perfectly capable of giving. But the bottom line is, your entire world now revolves around this child

    Honestly, this is why I recommend having children when you're young. Unfortunately the trend among both gay and straight is to have the kids when you're older. But it takes infinite energy and stamina to deal with newborns. I did the whole walking-the-floor-all-night thing with my kids and still was fresh and bright at work in the morning. I know for a fact I couldn't do that now, or even ten years ago. When my kids were born I was 25 and 27.


    I just don't have the "put-a-child-before-myself-in-every-situation" mentality yet. I know and recognize it's needed but right now at 23 I'm still going out on weekends, sometimes week nights, and running around at odd hours, and want it to stay that way.
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    Jan 07, 2013 6:37 PM GMT
    I hope you get married, at least, Jamie. Any of us looking forward to that should live where we can marry the partner we choose.
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    Jan 07, 2013 7:33 PM GMT
    Jamie, you're still young and you're still mobile. Once you've stabilize, you'll definitely know when it's time to have children. Thought about adoption? What I really want to do is adopt. I want kids. I want to have a partner with kids. But I'd rather sacrifice genetic relationship to my children so that I could give another baby or child a chance of a better life. There are so many children that wasn't given the opportunity to live a normal life - neglected, abandoned and alone. I'd rather give them our love and turn their life around from a world full of negativity.
  • wander2340

    Posts: 176

    Jan 07, 2013 7:43 PM GMT
    Shagglot said
    Erik101 saidJamie - First of all, I admire the fact that you want to have a son. But I have to ask you, do you know what it's like to take care of a child? I mean from the get-go as newborns when you are getting up 3x at night to either feed or change a diaper? Some of the parents I deal with at work have the hardest time coping with a newborn because everything has changed. Your primary focus is now on this baby. Also, once the child starts walking and talking, the challenges grow with the child as he/she needs education, constant protection and love...all of which I'm sure you are perfectly capable of giving. But the bottom line is, your entire world now revolves around this child and this is the primary reason why most gay men do not want children because they do not want to give up what they enjoy.

    As for sickle cell, this should be the least of your concerns. The trait does not necessarily pass from one generation to the next and the child can carry the genetics of the non-sickle cell trait parent. Regardless, I hope you get your answers. It can't be easy having the feelings you have about wanting children but then again, it isn't easy being a parent either.

    That's insightful.
    But none of the parents have any idea in advance about how their life will be before they do really have a kid. May be its just another learning part of your life where you experience something new. Yeah someday I would like to raise a kid myself.


    This is all great advice! The one thing I'd like to add is to find a husband before having kids. Raising kids is a lot of work! Definitely harder than I ever thought it would be. I honestly don't know how anyone could do it alone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 07, 2013 7:50 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    "Sometimes I wonder if I am waiting for something that may not be reality for me. "

    So stop waiting. Go seek your life.

    Carpe Diem


    I was thinking the same thing. This advice would apply to most of his posts.

    Jamie, LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 07, 2013 7:51 PM GMT
    You are gay . Nature wants you out of the gene pool.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 07, 2013 7:54 PM GMT
    I have no plans to get married even if I move to Maryland or if same-sex marriage becomes legal in all of the US. However, I haven't shut the door on that thought entirely since who knows how I'll feel in a few years from now.

    Kids are a definite no. No way José! I'll raise puppies or kitties instead.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jan 07, 2013 8:37 PM GMT
    Get a dog, first. See if you can care for a dog. You may just be lonely and there are a lot of abandoned pets craving a loving touch.
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    Jan 07, 2013 9:09 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidThat feeling of wanting children goes away, once you stop being a child yourself. It's like quitting smoking. You just gotta think about how awful kids are to your health.icon_lol.gif


    This made me laugh and I really needed it.
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    Jan 07, 2013 9:15 PM GMT
    Erik101 saidJamie - First of all, I admire the fact that you want to have a son. But I have to ask you, do you know what it's like to take care of a child? I mean from the get-go as newborns when you are getting up 3x at night to either feed or change a diaper? Some of the parents I deal with at work have the hardest time coping with a newborn because everything has changed. Your primary focus is now on this baby. Also, once the child starts walking and talking, the challenges grow with the child as he/she needs education, constant protection and love...all of which I'm sure you are perfectly capable of giving. But the bottom line is, your entire world now revolves around this child and this is the primary reason why most gay men do not want children because they do not want to give up what they enjoy.

    As for sickle cell, this should be the least of your concerns. The trait does not necessarily pass from one generation to the next and the child can carry the genetics of the non-sickle cell trait parent. Regardless, I hope you get your answers. It can't be easy having the feelings you have about wanting children but then again, it isn't easy being a parent either.


    I have 8 neices and nephew, so I know what it is like for newborns and infants and I understand that. I am not a naive little kid. Trust me when I say when I think about things I think about them.

    I would be guilty of overthinking before I was ever accused of underthinking.

    As for Sickle Cell I have the disease, not the trait, and I got it because of one parent. My dad didnt have it, so it can pass. It just more complicated.
    and its a fear.
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Jan 07, 2013 9:15 PM GMT
    QueenVenom saidain't gonna find it in alabama buddy

    +1
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    Jan 07, 2013 11:23 PM GMT
    The vast majority of the gay men I know are way too shallow and self possessed to raise children, ever. My personal belief is that children need two parents and more importantly parents need a second person who helps them, no single parent I have ever met was happy being a single parent, even if they were doing an amazing job.
    Now that I think about it, most parents do a shitty job, gay or straight. So, go for it.
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    Jan 08, 2013 3:31 AM GMT
    smartmoney saidThe vast majority of the gay men I know are way too shallow and self possessed to raise children, ever. My personal belief is that children need two parents and more importantly parents need a second person who helps them, no single parent I have ever met was happy being a single parent, even if they were doing an amazing job.
    Now that I think about it, most parents do a shitty job, gay or straight. So, go for it.



    That's kind of sad they way you say that....


    and@ others...i am getting out of Alabama...gosh.,