Finding the right guy...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 22, 2008 7:21 PM GMT
    Hey guys, names Jeff

    I have had some crazy ups and downs when it comes to relationships, and have hit both sides of the spectrum in the gay world only to find myself single, and not wanting to date anyone. I've dated the super hot model guys that can't think of anything else than how good we look together, or how good they look. I've also dated the friends the ones that you think you know for at least a year or two and you end of finding out how possessive, upsetting, and annoying they are in a relationship; thats why they are your friends. LOL!


    I am having a hard time finding someone to date. I want someone who is care free, pretty fun when wanting to go out, and just likes to have a good time. I really like someone who engages with me alot, asks me my opinion on things and keeps up with their world on current events. I like someone who takes care of themselves, works hard toward their goals and likes to do guy things like rock climbing, boating, racing, shooting, hiking etc.

    The only place I have found luck with finding a guy that has some intellectual knowledge was at college, but between the 2 of us, finding time to spend together was hard. Either one of us was studying for a quiz, working on a thesis, or contemplating our next academic move to a different major. Well

    I don't know, maybe someone can help me out, teach me something about finding quality guys.

    -jeff icon_cool.gif
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    Sep 22, 2008 8:07 PM GMT
    Good luck with that... yup.
    But hey if you do meet that guy - share the knowledge would ya?

    Sadly, I think you (I) may have set your standards too high.
    Then again he's out there, just probably is asking the exact same questions and is not found in the "typical" spots.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 22, 2008 9:29 PM GMT
    Patience, patience, patience, that's all I can say. I have the same problem but I've got things I need to get over too that keep me from approaching guys that I'm really interested in and probably send a vibe out that keeps them at arms length as well. If you have anything like that, work that out first.

    Be open but don't "look". If you meet someone you like, ask them out (this is a tough one for me!). If someone you like approaches you, say yes. Your standards are your standards. Everyone looks for something different in a relationship so what other people consider "being picky" or having "too high standards" is just because they seem that way to them. You know what you want and that's OK. Just be sure you don't lose yourself in the relationship. You start changing to make someone else happy you wind up not knowing where you end and they begin. Co-dependency sets in. Relationships should be an opportunity to grown and learn more about who you are not forget who you are and become something you're not.

    That's my piece.
  • MuslDrew

    Posts: 463

    Sep 22, 2008 9:44 PM GMT
    Sounds like right now time is an issue for you. I always advise guys to check out any gay sports leagues that might be available in your area. You meet active guys with good social skills, they generally aren't much into bars or a couch potato existence.Or you could try volunteering with a social or political organization

    Good luck!
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    Sep 22, 2008 9:53 PM GMT
    You're not alone. One of the things that I have found is that most of the time we have this idea of what the "ideal" guy will be like..what he will look like, act like etc and if we are dating someone, the moment he deviates from our idea then bye bye. As a whole, gay men tend to concentrate on things that at the end of the day are not that important (penis size, how muscular he is, etc)

    I think you should look into what your "non-negotiables" are, what are the CORE things that you would want in a guy and go from there. But don't settle..
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 22, 2008 11:26 PM GMT
    I agree it requires patience. You're standards aren't too high.

    Participate in activities you enjoy and you're bound to meet guys that appreciate those activities as well. Eventually you will connect with a guy that is right for you.

  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Sep 22, 2008 11:46 PM GMT
    I don't think its a matter of standards being high. It's a matter that sometimes our standards blind us to people who are right for us.

    Everyone today has a laundry list of everything they want in a guy, and we all want it immeadiately.

    But I really think its supposed to be very subjective. One of the older couples my boyfriend and I are friends with have been together 11 years, and when we first met, I was still not completely comfortable with our relationship at the time. So I asked how this couple had felt about each other when they first met, and one of them responded that they did not get along at all the first few months they knew each other.

    Laundry lists are counterproductive. Relax and be yourself, and give the people you know or meet the chance to be themselves as well. Date casually, and maybe someone will surprise you.
  • joarky123

    Posts: 264

    Sep 23, 2008 3:28 PM GMT
    there is nothing wrong with having high standards. as a matter of fact, any self respecting guy should hold those high standards.

    but sometimes, you have to give and take in certain areas.

    whatever the case maybe, i say hold out for that one guy that makes you weak in the knees.

    and if you ever are successful at figuring out how to find 'the one', please, let us know.

    p.s. jcaliguy....where do i sign up?!?! haha. icon_wink.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 23, 2008 8:33 PM GMT
    While it's true to some extent that the "perfect" guy doesn't really exist
    you still can get pretty dam close

    and yeah it gets pretty discouraging sometimes ... I know first hand icon_rolleyes.gif

    but there's no other game in town
    you have to keep on pluggin' (sorry for the bad pun)
    It's like that perfect suit you were looking for

    you have to try on a crapload of them to find the right fit, the right weight, the right color
    but eventually you find it

    just get out there where the guys you find most fitting for your perfect typeto be
    if you like gym bunnies don't be looking in coffee houses
    and visa versa
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2008 2:59 AM GMT

    Hey Jcaliguy,

    There's a line from "As Good As It Gets" where Helen Hunt throws up her hands in despair and shouts down at Jack Nicholson (her boyfriend),

    "I just want a NORMAL boyfriend!"
    Her mother pokes her face out from the apartment doorway into the hall. She says,
    "There's no such thing." with such a simple calm sureness that you laugh.

    Both of us think you should just take things as they come up. There's an older movie called "Maurice" about an upper middle class University man in the 19th century, who falls in love (mutually) with his gardener. You might enjoy this one, if just for speaking to the disparity you find when your head says one thing, but your heart entirely, gratifyingly, says another.

  • TallGWMvballe...

    Posts: 1925

    Sep 24, 2008 6:43 AM GMT
    Jcaliguy, Jeff,

    Here is something to think about; You said "I want someone who is care free, pretty fun when wanting to go out, and just likes to have a good time. I really like someone who engages with me alot, asks me my opinion on things "

    Please understand that if you are with a guy that wants to go out and by that assume you mean to GAY bars and clubs, then you have to expect that his having "fun" might include flirting with or being looked at and hit on by others.
    It is like bringing the meat to the banquet. Perhaps you should be looking for someone who shares similar views and values so that he will engage you a lot, ask and value your opinion and be loyal
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2008 8:42 AM GMT
    Hey JCaliguy, I feel you big time!
    I think its about thinking outside of the box and keeping your eye, your heart and your gut all in check ...they'll all tell you if what youve come across is a keeper or not. Who says its gotta be a "date" about just meeting up to just do something from the batting cages, window shopping or just a drive around town. I found that the times I've done the "not so formal date " thingie the better the chance I get to be me and comfortable with the one Im with the better things flowed. I've had and still have some wonderful guys who've flowed into my life . And theyre still here. I recognize that I have great friends and great family and when the one comes along, I know I'll recognize him. So, ease up, enjoy the ride and he will saunter Brad Pitt or Zeb Atlas....okay maybe not like them but maybe close to it! Good luck. RV.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2008 12:03 PM GMT
    Finding the right partner, dating and even connecting on a friendship level is difficult and rare for anyone, straight or gay. That's why these bonds and relationships are so special and appropriately, why we spend so much time and energy nurturing them once these connections are formed.
    I agree with some of the advice about sports clubs and such. They tend to be good at funneling like minded people. But don't categorically write off bars, clubs and other venues either. I met my current partner/fiance at a club, as well as a few previous boyfriends. It's a numbers game as much as anything. Stay open minded, positive and friendly. Your're young, good looking and pretty together from the sounds of it. All of which work in your favor. There will be plenty of times when you will wonder if you're ever going to meet someone. That could all change today, tommorrow or next week. Good people are everywhere, although I think they are the minority. Your man is out there. Just be aware that he will have faults and limitations just like you. Don't count him out because of these, if they are tolerable and non-destructive. Smiles tell a lot more of the story than good looks. Have fun. Be safe. Peace.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 24, 2008 12:46 PM GMT
    The watched pot never boils.

    Romance has to happen. It cannot be searched, found, forced, made or engineered.