Am I over analyzing?

  • HPgeek934

    Posts: 970

    Jan 07, 2013 5:22 PM GMT
    So as most of you know from my previous thread, I have been seeing someone and things were going great. Now im kinda secon guessing everything and its driving me nuts. I'm new to dating and I dont know if how im feeling is normal or not. Let me explain....

    He likes to make jokes about people. some are funny, some are tacky, and some are borderline offensive. The day of the Newtown Ct shooting, after work I text him and asked how his day was, and he responded "Like a kid in Ct, I'm shot". And then the other day at the movie theater, I saw a teen girl who was blind, walking with a walking stick a guide, and I told him that that made me sad to see, and he tossed out a blind joke.

    Obviously that upset me. And now im letting my mind stack the deck against him:
    He claims hes racist but then says hes kidding.
    He pokes fun of the fact that im very close with my mother.
    He hates being up early on weekends, and I'm a morning person
    He hates romance, I love it.

    Am I dooming this relationship before it even gets a chance to flourish? what would you do if you were me? I'm also a little afraid that I may be around him if he ever gets into a bad mood. I know hes on a high dose of anti depressants, and hes much much bigger than me.

    Sorry I've rambled, I'm just looking for unbiased advice.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 07, 2013 5:30 PM GMT
    He sounds immature and insecure. Has he even been able to get it up for you yet??

    You seem like you deserve better, to me.
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    Jan 07, 2013 5:30 PM GMT
    You should really tell him to cut the jokes because you're finding it offensive. If he says you're being defensive, just tell him that jokes like that will not be appreciated.
    If he still fails to curb his bombardment of offensive jokes. Leave him.
  • HPgeek934

    Posts: 970

    Jan 07, 2013 5:36 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidHe sounds immature and insecure. Has he even been able to get it up for you yet??

    You seem like you deserve better, to me.


    We havnt tried again since that night. This weekend we were both exhausted and just went to bed. Part of me thinks his jokes are a defense mechanism to curb his depression, but it's still not right. It's breaking my heart cause i do really like him, but I'm so afraid for him to meet my friends cause I'm afraid he's gonna offend them. One of them had a brother that has cerebral palsy and I feel like he would make a stupid remark, but I also don't feel like I should have to warn him about it before we meet her either. Ya know?
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    Jan 07, 2013 8:28 PM GMT


    "He hates romance, I love it."

    I'll admit I'm curious as how this will work out, because that dynamic never worked for me. .
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    Jan 07, 2013 8:39 PM GMT
    It makes you feel uncomfortable because of the way he acts , it seems to me that he is a bloody immature galah !
    You deserve to be happy !
  • HPgeek934

    Posts: 970

    Jan 07, 2013 8:39 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    "He hates romance, I love it."

    I'll admit I'm curious as how this will work out, because that dynamic never worked for me. .


    I think I need to have a talk with him and iron this all out. It's been bothering me all day :/
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Jan 07, 2013 8:41 PM GMT
    oh he sounds like a real catch!!! *notice the sarcasm in my font*

    whats wrong with being close with ur mom? I find that cute in a guy. Like, awwww, he's a mama's boy type of thing.

    The racist part? ew. That's all I can say.
    Jokes about shootings and blind ppl? Tacky as fuck.
    That would fuckin grind my gears after a while..... Rude jokes all the time.

    he doesn't like romance....and u do?
    I feel like you'll be left disappointed time and time again. He sounds like a jerk tbh
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    Jan 07, 2013 8:42 PM GMT
    meninlove said

    "He hates romance, I love it."

    I'll admit I'm curious as how this will work out, because that dynamic never worked for me. .


    This. Doesn't bode well, from my point of view at least.

    OP, the things you've mentioned are going to bug you more and more as time goes by, no matter how lovely his positive features are, these negative ones you mention in particular, i'd bet, will make you resent him more and more, quite quickly.

    I doubt he'll change on the romance facet (at least until or unless he unwittingly finds somebody that organically evokes that type of 'irrational' emotional behaviour out of him- which doesn't seem to be the case at all so far in his experience).

    The sense of 'humour' may change and mature with age. It may not.

    I'd discuss these issues with him.

    If I were you, I'd be prepared for a realisation that you're actually not as compatible as partners as you may have hoped.
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    Jan 08, 2013 2:57 PM GMT
    I'm curious, how old is he? 16-18?? He sounds immature and an airhead to me. Making fun to blind people is a no go. Then he might be a racist and made jokes to your close relationship with your mother. Those are dealbreaker. You gave us many details of his behaviour, like he's not a romantic and morning person, takes anti depressants. Those are wake up calls not to start a love relationship with him. You can still talk to him, that the jokes he made are classless and very cheap. You can't tolerate this behaviour. If i were you, I would dump him. You deserve a better man.
  • gambit

    Posts: 8

    Jan 08, 2013 3:00 PM GMT
    HPgeek934 saidSo as most of you know from my previous thread, I have been seeing someone and things were going great. Now im kinda secon guessing everything and its driving me nuts. I'm new to dating and I dont know if how im feeling is normal or not. Let me explain....

    He likes to make jokes about people. some are funny, some are tacky, and some are borderline offensive. The day of the Newtown Ct shooting, after work I text him and asked how his day was, and he responded "Like a kid in Ct, I'm shot". And then the other day at the movie theater, I saw a teen girl who was blind, walking with a walking stick a guide, and I told him that that made me sad to see, and he tossed out a blind joke.

    Obviously that upset me. And now im letting my mind stack the deck against him:
    He claims hes racist but then says hes kidding.
    He pokes fun of the fact that im very close with my mother.
    He hates being up early on weekends, and I'm a morning person
    He hates romance, I love it.

    Am I dooming this relationship before it even gets a chance to flourish? what would you do if you were me? I'm also a little afraid that I may be around him if he ever gets into a bad mood. I know hes on a high dose of anti depressants, and hes much much bigger than me.

    Sorry I've rambled, I'm just looking for unbiased advice.



    Sounds like either you, or him need to pull the beehive out of your ass.
    Just dump him, plenty of fish out there, catch the right one.
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    Jan 08, 2013 3:38 PM GMT
    Okay this is going to sound so "goody goody" or whatever but I'm going give my opinion and you can take what you want from it.
    A friend's parents of mine would always say to me "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks".

    Just purely going off the things you have mentioned in the post, I'd say you're right in that there are probably some underlying inner issues going on that makes him talk about people the way he does.
    He makes fun of people's disabilities, he jokes about a children who actually got shot, he pokes fun at your relationship with your mother.
    You have to ask yourself, do you want to surround yourself with a person who is like this? Remember, choose wisely who you let into your life because they can influence you.

    All these things, personally to me, make him sound like he's not a nice person and would be one of those people who drain your life. I don't know if he doesn't realise that it's disrespectful, and if he does then I'd say he sounds pretty selfish.
    The fact that he makes fun of you for being close to your mother alongside how he hates romance, signifies to me that he's probably not a good partner in a relationship. I don't know why but I have a feeling there would be major intimacy problems in the future.

    The whole morning or not morning person I think is a trivial one, but the rest I think to me are red flags.

    Again I only say this purely going off what you have mentioned in the post, you would definitely know more about him than us.
    Also I didn't mean in any way, shape or form to offend you or anyone reading this nor did I mean to come across harsh, I apologise if I did.

    Whatever you do decide I sincerely wish you all the best.
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    Jan 08, 2013 11:52 PM GMT
    NerdMonastery saidOkay this is going to sound so "goody goody" or whatever but I'm going give my opinion and you can take what you want from it.
    A friend's parents of mine would always say to me "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks".

    Just purely going off the things you have mentioned in the post, I'd say you're right in that there are probably some underlying inner issues going on that makes him talk about people the way he does.
    He makes fun of people's disabilities, he jokes about a children who actually got shot, he pokes fun at your relationship with your mother.
    You have to ask yourself, do you want to surround yourself with a person who is like this? Remember, choose wisely who you let into your life because they can influence you.

    All these things, personally to me, make him sound like he's not a nice person and would be one of those people who drain your life. I don't know if he doesn't realise that it's disrespectful, and if he does then I'd say he sounds pretty selfish.
    The fact that he makes fun of you for being close to your mother alongside how he hates romance, signifies to me that he's probably not a good partner in a relationship. I don't know why but I have a feeling there would be major intimacy problems in the future.

    The whole morning or not morning person I think is a trivial one, but the rest I think to me are red flags.

    Again I only say this purely going off what you have mentioned in the post, you would definitely know more about him than us.
    Also I didn't mean in any way, shape or form to offend you or anyone reading this nor did I mean to come across harsh, I apologise if I did.

    Whatever you do decide I sincerely wish you all the best.


    I agree with the above post and it's well said! Hands down! Why worry and giving yourself additional stress? You look good and don't want to get old quickly! icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 09, 2013 12:00 AM GMT
    HP: in reading your profile you come across as a super guy. Whatever you do, don't settle ... And don't ignore what you're feeling.

    Talk to him and share your concerns. They are valid, IMHO.
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    Jan 09, 2013 12:02 AM GMT
    He's not a match for you. And as you part, tell him why. He deserves to know.
  • danisnotstr8

    Posts: 2579

    Jan 09, 2013 12:21 AM GMT
    I mean in no way to say that your feelings are invalid, but I am going to volunteer as the lone (thus far) dissenter.

    I'm a teacher, highly educated, and not necessarily "immature" as some would suggest. Maturity, in my best estimation, involves compassion and eloquence. But I find the most "mature" people to be dull and lifeless at times. Political correctness is not to be confused with maturity.

    To that end, "maturity" is a measure of the whole person. A quick wit and a wily, and even sometimes inappropriate sense of humor can be a sign of intelligence, not immaturity.

    A lot of people who joke about the disadvantaged are dealing with their perception of the world by laughing about it. This does not mean that they lack compassion, for often those very people are the most compassionate and motivated individuals you will ever meet. I'm one of those people who, depending on the circumstances, will proudly and boldly offend just about anyone, given the chance. I do go to school and teach kids. I have hugged kids and cried with them, and I am a politically active person who practices my ideals not just in forums online, but also in volunteer work, fundraising, and campaigns for various social groups. I don't care if you're white, brown, black, purple, blind, deaf, physically handicapped--- I'm going to love you and fight for you no matter what your struggle.

    And I'm going to joke about all of the above. It doesn't mean I'm immature. I think it means I'm funny. I simply deal with the woes of this hateful world by laughing about it. As do many others. There is a place and time for everything, though, no doubt.

    Sorry to run on. And if he actually says he's a racist then maybe that's a red flag. But don't judge so quickly. He might be a good find. He deserves a chance; his motivations for his lack of elegance are more important than his lack of eloquence.
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    Jan 09, 2013 12:41 AM GMT
    HPgeek934 said
    HottJoe saidHe sounds immature and insecure. Has he even been able to get it up for you yet??

    You seem like you deserve better, to me.


    We havnt tried again since that night. This weekend we were both exhausted and just went to bed. Part of me thinks his jokes are a defense mechanism to curb his depression, but it's still not right. It's breaking my heart cause i do really like him, but I'm so afraid for him to meet my friends cause I'm afraid he's gonna offend them. One of them had a brother that has cerebral palsy and I feel like he would make a stupid remark, but I also don't feel like I should have to warn him about it before we meet her either. Ya know?


    This seems like an all too weird situation. I'm not saying you should break it off but there seems to be A LOT of negatives when it comes to this relationship of yours. The random offensive jokes are a clear sign of immaturity. I mean, who jokes about the death of innocent kids?? That's also bordeline psycho if you ask me. I understand him making jokes about others because we all do it. However, if they're to the point where it offends you, I'd definitely speak up. I've joked on people's mannerisms, weird pronunciations of words (not speech impediments), the way the walk or odd clothing but never disabilities...there's a line not to cross.

    The whole jokes on racism, not cool! The issue with waking up early, that's just some people...not a big deal. Your relationship with your mom, that's just idiotic. What does your relationship with your mom have to do with him? Does not affect him in any way. Seems like those jokes are stemming from jealousy to me. The differences on romance...this will likely be the end of your relationship (I really hate to say it). A person that adores romance CANNOT go without it. Sure, it may last for a while but you'll eventually get tired of not having it. It's like going to work every morning and enjoying a nice cup of coffee before you start your day. You may last a day or two, maybe a little more, but you'll eventually become cranky as all hell and want to bite the head off of everyone if you don't satify your need. Just saying.

    Also, if you feel the need you have to caution him before meeting your friends or have reservations on bringing him around, its not a good sign. Also, this is the guy that you had the sex issue with a little while back. I can't remember if you wanted to bottom that day or if it was his idea but the fact that he couldn't get it up would bother me a little. I don't think you're over-thinking it. I believe you have some legitimate gripes with him and I suggest you become vocal about them. If he's unwilling to change them you should have your answer.

    *He's on anti-depressants??? I'm curious as to why...(YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY, I'M JUST THINKING ALOUD) This also makes me a little nervous for you and the fact that you're afraid to be around him IF he becomes upset or angry. Be careful man!
    -Corey
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    Jan 09, 2013 7:27 AM GMT
    You are NOT over analyzing ......you are just analyzing the potential future of your relationship which is what dating is all about. You have mentioned some real red flags which might be deal breakers but obviously the guy has some green flags too. Some one posted earlier do not sell yourself short .... which I agree 100%.
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    Jan 09, 2013 7:34 AM GMT
    It sounds like you have a right to be concerned, have you talked to him about any of this?

    With the joking, humor is open to interpretation.. Do you find him funny at all or is he always making these kind of shock-humor comments?

    The romance issue might end up being important. You can tolerate his lack of romance now, but it may be something you really end up missing out on if you stay with him for a while. He should know how important these things are to you now, because if you keep it all yourself you'll just build a false relationship where you end up miserable.

    The last thing you said is the most concerning.. If you can't even build up the basic trust to feel safe around him, that's a big red flag.

    So dump him, and then go on a date with me ;)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 11, 2013 5:06 AM GMT
    Listen to your gut. Sounds like you already are.
  • RaggedyMan

    Posts: 7185

    Jan 11, 2013 5:28 AM GMT
    continuing from the other thread, i think dragging it on at this point might seem like a bad idea. Im always optimistic about people changing for the better but this might only get worse. like he ^ said, listen to your gut.
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    Jan 11, 2013 5:35 AM GMT
    The fact that this guy is on a high dose of antidepressants is perhaps the biggest explanation of his behavior. It appears that one of the ways for him to combat his depression is find humor in any situation that he comes across. To him, this is funny but to you (and others), it's offensive. Clearly, it's up to you on whether or not to stay in this relationship. If you stay, then your job is to try to understand his inappropriate jokes. If you leave, then you know what to do.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11829

    Jan 11, 2013 5:40 AM GMT
    HPgeek934 said
    HottJoe saidHe sounds immature and insecure. Has he even been able to get it up for you yet??

    You seem like you deserve better, to me.


    We havnt tried again since that night. This weekend we were both exhausted and just went to bed. Part of me thinks his jokes are a defense mechanism to curb his depression, but it's still not right. It's breaking my heart cause i do really like him, but I'm so afraid for him to meet my friends cause I'm afraid he's gonna offend them. One of them had a brother that has cerebral palsy and I feel like he would make a stupid remark, but I also don't feel like I should have to warn him about it before we meet her either. Ya know?
    My opinion..you're making excuses for his behavior...If you want to continue doing so...keep dating...Personally I think you deserve better....
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 11, 2013 5:48 AM GMT
    I think you have a decision to make buddy. I think you need to sit down by yourself and determine if this guy is really a guy you can see yourself with long term. He seems to be a over the top type of guy. Always, wants to joke and make lite of all situations. That is not a bad thing but it can be if you are not comfortable with that. He seems to not possess a lot of the things that are important to you and a lot that you do not want. In the end you have to decide what is important to you and what is not. I do not consider someone sleeping in a deal breaker for me but hey it might just be for you. Again, decide what is important to you and what isn't if those do not match up with the things about him than you might want to move on because those things will not get better with time. They will get worst with time
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    Jan 11, 2013 5:54 AM GMT
    you've just listed a bunch of standards which are a bare minimum for you, in order to feel comfortable in a relationship. standards which i dare say are not extraordinarily picky, nor unreasonable.

    why are you giving up those bare minimums, to accommodate someone who is clearly not able to meet them (for whatever reason). stop making excuses for him.

    i think you've already made up your mind, but haven't gone about executing your decision.