I need advice...

  • checkitoutz

    Posts: 4

    Jan 09, 2013 3:36 PM GMT
    Hello Gents,

    I apologize for the length, it's a complicated situation.

    So I've found myself in a bit of a predicament, and it's driving me insane! Here's the problem - I met a guy about 6 months ago (we'll call him B), we really, really hit it off. I've never met someone in my entire life that can physically and mentally stimulate me the way he does and he's said similar things regarding me. We talk every single day, he texts me every morning "Good Morning You!"

    Anyway, it really felt like we were together however, we never had the discussion or made anything official, it was just kind of that unsaid thing. Well, he started working a lot, getting a lot of overtime, working on weekends, etc. This quickly dissolved the very little free time that he had and long story short he stopped coming around as often, but when he did it was like we never skipped a beat.

    Well, I finally asked him what he thought about the idea of him and I becoming official - he never gave me an answer - totally changed the subject and ignored the question. Okay, so that gave me some indication that he wasn't so keen on the idea, which is fine, but this told me that I needed to begin to move on as he was never going to commit. This is where my problem lies...

    I decided to start dating other people and I happen to meet a guy (We'll call him M) that is really into me. We've been seeing each other for about a month and he's already told me multiple times that he's in love with me. He's a great guy, treats me like gold, gives me plenty of attention and we have great sex.

    However, deep down, I'm not over B. I think about him constantly and considering we talk all day long nearly everyday, it's going to be near impossible for me to get over him. I now feel horrible because I have M falling in love with me and I don't want to hurt him.

    What do I do? Do I stay with M and hope I get over B? Or do I leave M and just remain completely hung up on B?

    I'm so lost icon_cry.gif



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2013 4:21 PM GMT
    Well...you could tell M,

    " I can appreciate how you feel about me because it's how I felt about someone before I met you. Unfortunately I have some feelings for that guy still- so I guess I'm not over him."
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jan 09, 2013 5:22 PM GMT
    I'd have a chat with B. Tell him you've met someone but aren't sure where it's going. That you still have feelings for him. Ask him if you should call it off with M or explore it and see where it goes. If he says go, you know to end it and begin the process of moving on. If he says not to, talk about your issues with the way things have been lately. He may be just seriously busy. That does happen. You need to resolve B to be fair to M.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Jan 09, 2013 6:09 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI'd have a chat with B. Tell him you've met someone but aren't sure where it's going. That you still have feelings for him. Ask him if you should call it off with M or explore it and see where it goes. If he says go, you know to end it and begin the process of moving on. If he says not to, talk about your issues with the way things have been lately. He may be just seriously busy. That does happen. You need to resolve B to be fair to M.


    This is sound advice.

    Tell B that you've been seeing someone else and tell him what's going on. If he doesn't want u having another man in ur life, he should quickly tell u NO.... but if he's all "go, be with him"....then u know ur answer....

    Tell B whats going on and see where it leads. Who knows? B may just want to claim u all to himself if he finds out there's some competition...and if he doesn't make u his....than u know it was never going anywhere anyway and u can begin the process of moving on.
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    Jan 09, 2013 6:14 PM GMT
    It seems M is the 'rebound guy.' Not fair in my opinion for both you and M. Then again, I haven't dated a dude.
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    Jan 09, 2013 6:25 PM GMT
    Yeah, I'd become a troll and post excessively long posts on some random gay pseudo gay jock site and see what sort of trouble you can stir up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 09, 2013 8:05 PM GMT
    Here's the deal in a nutshell.

    You want "B" and he meets your needs in a profound way.
    "B" doesn't make time for you, or anyone else, so unless that changes, no go.

    You like "M" but he doesn't meet your needs as well as "B" and you'll forever compare him to "B" even after you stop interacting with "B" daily.

    The fact that "M" is head-over-heals for you just makes it more difficult to admit that he's not really what you desire "as the complete package".

    It's time to cut "M" loose so he can find someone as in-to-him as he is to you. That's the grown-up thing to do. Stringing him along until something better (like "B") shows up is douchebaggery of the highest order.

    It's time to get over the fact the "B" isn't ready for ltr or even short-term, so you better start being open to others who might meet/exceed the expectations set by "B".

    What ever you decide, remember that "M" deserves a lot of love and respect for putting up with this mess to date. Don't think he doesn't know. Don't think for a minute he isn't conflicted about it either. Cut him loose. He's not "the one" and you know it.
  • checkitoutz

    Posts: 4

    Jan 09, 2013 10:40 PM GMT
    JimmyMTL saidHere's the deal in a nutshell.

    You want "B" and he meets your needs in a profound way.
    "B" doesn't make time for you, or anyone else, so unless that changes, no go.

    You like "M" but he doesn't meet your needs as well as "B" and you'll forever compare him to "B" even after you stop interacting with "B" daily.

    The fact that "M" is head-over-heals for you just makes it more difficult to admit that he's not really what you desire "as the complete package".

    It's time to cut "M" loose so he can find someone as in-to-him as he is to you. That's the grown-up thing to do. Stringing him along until something better (like "B") shows up is douchebaggery of the highest order.

    It's time to get over the fact the "B" isn't ready for ltr or even short-term, so you better start being open to others who might meet/exceed the expectations set by "B".

    What ever you decide, remember that "M" deserves a lot of love and respect for putting up with this mess to date. Don't think he doesn't know. Don't think for a minute he isn't conflicted about it either. Cut him loose. He's not "the one" and you know it.


    I never intended to hurt anyone, and to be completely honest, I thought I was ready to date again, I didn't realize until after it was too late that I still felt this way about B. And not only that, but now that I've been dating M, B has been coming around more and sometimes I think he's doing all this on purpose. I want to be clear that both of these guys know the situation, M knows the history that B and I have and I've never been unfaithful to M by any means.

    B however still texts and says things that he really shouldn't (sexual innuendos in text or email, etc).

    I guess regardless of all of that, I need to end things with M before they get any worse.

    Thanks.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jan 10, 2013 12:18 AM GMT
    Ahhh, the brain vs. emotion conundrum. You can't always decide who you're going to fall for and when, but it's likely your feelings for B will cause problems with your relationship with M.

    You're not emotionally prepared for it, but chasing B is likely a big waste of time. He clearly is "Not that into you." He couldn't even dignify you with an answer. So, chasing him is likely to result you getting your heart broken, and maybe even once.

    If you can, you have to find a way to overcome your feelings for B and realize you don't have B and will likely have B, but M is into you and you click and it's worth focusing time and energy on M in the hopes your feelings for B dissipate and go away.

    You'll be much happier with M in the long term.

    You might already know that logically, but you need to work that out emotionally which can be a challenge.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 12:18 AM GMT
    aidenMaximus saidIt seems M is the 'rebound guy.' Not fair in my opinion for both you and M. Then again, I haven't dated a dude.


    I know I don't like being a rebound guy. I get attached to people and a lot of rebounds are only to serve their purpose. Not everyone dislikes it though. Some guys actually like that situation.

    As to the OP. I think you have had some really great advice. Ideally talk to both. Talk to B and see where things are. After that, take what B tells you and be honest with M. If B lets you go, give M a chance if you think you can develop feelings for him. I'm guessing there is already physical attraction. It could lead somewhere great or nowhere but you'll never know if you don't try.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jan 10, 2013 12:26 AM GMT
    rlynnc said
    aidenMaximus saidIt seems M is the 'rebound guy.' Not fair in my opinion for both you and M. Then again, I haven't dated a dude.


    I know I don't like being a rebound guy. I get attached to people and a lot of rebounds are only to serve their purpose. Not everyone dislikes it though. Some guys actually like that situation.

    As to the OP. I think you have had some really great advice. Ideally talk to both. Talk to B and see where things are. After that, take what B tells you and be honest with M. If B lets you go, give M a chance if you think you can develop feelings for him. I'm guessing there is already physical attraction. It could lead somewhere great or nowhere but you'll never know if you don't try.


    Personally, I would say if B could answer the question before, he can't answer it now. As I said above, maybe he's not into the OP enough to commit and doesn't want to hurt his feelings. Maybe he's conflicted, he doesn't have the time to commit more but doesn't want to let the OP go. In these sorts of scenarios, B is going to just keep the OP interested just enough but not enough to be fulfilling. It sounds like M, even if a rebound, will be a healthier choice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 12:51 AM GMT
    You need to let go B. You won't be able to move on if you don't let him go. Like a few guys here said, you might want to talk to him first... and see his reaction.. but if he isn't willing to commit with you, you have to let him go...

    Good luck!

  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Jan 10, 2013 12:54 AM GMT
    meninlove said Well...you could tell M,

    " I can appreciate how you feel about me because it's how I felt about someone before I met you. Unfortunately I have some feelings for that guy still- so I guess I'm not over him."


    very good line.
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Jan 10, 2013 1:16 AM GMT
    Well, go with your heart. A little communication does not hurticon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 1:19 AM GMT
    Just move on!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 2:00 AM GMT
    Destinharbor saidI'd have a chat with B. Tell him you've met someone but aren't sure where it's going. That you still have feelings for him. Ask him if you should call it off with M or explore it and see where it goes. If he says go, you know to end it and begin the process of moving on. If he says not to, talk about your issues with the way things have been lately. He may be just seriously busy. That does happen. You need to resolve B to be fair to M.


    This. All the way.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1116

    Jan 10, 2013 3:10 AM GMT
    This is why I never ever date anyone until I am completely over a relationship that didn't fully satisfied me in the first place, too much unnecessary drama if you ask me!! This rebound ritual is like a double edge sword; no matter which side is being used and comes in contact with (including the one holding it) everyome is bound to get seriously hurt. One of the first questions I ask while dating someone I like is "How long as it been since your last relationship? and if you gotten totally over it? in the past I had my share of rebound cases to deal with and have even tolerated; but not any more! I hate the tug of war feel that reboud cases brings into a relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 3:16 AM GMT
    Get over B. NEVER be another man's "option". You're an "option" to B.

    Stick with M.
  • starboard5

    Posts: 969

    Jan 10, 2013 4:19 AM GMT
    "We've been seeing each other for about a month and he's already told me multiple times that he's in love with me."

    This is where you lost me.
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    Jan 10, 2013 4:24 AM GMT
    I agree with a few of the posters. Get over the first guy. It's over.

    I was in a similar but different situation once. But I was Over B. When I started dating M, B made a profession of love and told me he made a big mistake. I then dumped M for a 2nd chance with B. B, however, went right back to his old ways, and we broke up a few months later.

    Lesson Learned: The reason you broke up the first time will be the same reason you'll break up the 2nd time around.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 4:39 AM GMT
    Hello mate,

    I totally understand what you're going through. I just ended 6 months with my now ex boyfriend, because he was too much like B. My advice to you is to slowly cut off from B, and focus more of your attention on M. B sounds like he may be a bit self-centered, and doesn't want to see you happy. Whatever you do, by your keeping your focus on B, you will be robbing yourself in the long run.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 4:46 AM GMT
    So you have a guy completely fallen for you, wants to be with you, treats you nice and all the chips have fallen into place with this guy yet you're hung up over the guy who clearly doesn't want a relationship with you? I'm not the smartest guy in the world but clearly all signs point to M. Dump the jerk, B, and keep the ace, M.
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    Jan 10, 2013 5:05 AM GMT

    There's nothing wrong with still being in love and having a place in your heart for B. It won't go away immediately. So you're finding out. It will diminish over the years (you don't know that yet), but lucky you for having had that relationship.

    If B doesn't want the committed relationship with you chances are he wants it with someone else .... and you're going to feel even worse when it happens. It will happen. If you need a reason to put some distance between the two of you. Use that. He's going to hurt you more and worse the more time you put into it.

    The other problem is that still holding out hope for B will screw up any relationships you have with other guys until you really move on from him. I bet if you ask M he already knows something is distracting you.
  • checkitoutz

    Posts: 4

    Jan 11, 2013 12:13 PM GMT
    First, I want to be clear that I really am not the type of guy who is looking for a "rebound". I spoke with B about all of this last night and I did finally get an answer from him, but it no more helps my situation than when I started.

    Last night, I asked B if there was ever any sort of future for the two of us and these are his words *cut and pasted* "You know I love you, and you know I care for you, but I don't want an intimate relationship to ruin the friendship we've created. You are one of the most important people in my life, you already know that. Do we have a future? Of course we have a future, I have no intentions on ever letting you leave my life. Do you know how frustrating it is to have a really hard time making friends with all the f***s around here? Will our future involve you and I in any deeper of a relationship than what we are now? I don't have that answer, the only thing I can say is that we live day by day and things may change, you never know."

    And to answer the previous posts, B and I have been intimate, multiple, multiple times in the past but I stopped all that when I didn't get an answer from him the first time.

    After thinking about the situation, I really, really do value B as a friend, I can tell him absolutely ANYTHING and he won't judge or look down on me for it and the same goes for him. I need to learn to be okay with just being friends with B, which I think is going to be hard because we have this weird, physical attraction with each other that neither of us really have luck controlling that physical desire for each other.

    This doesn't change the fact that I'm completely head over heels for B, and it also doesn't make this any more fair for M. Even though things will never get anywhere with B, I still don't think I can continue things with M as it's not fair that I can't give the 100% that he's giving me.

    I truthfully appreciate all the advice each and every one of you have offered me.
  • checkitoutz

    Posts: 4

    Jan 11, 2013 12:20 PM GMT
    starboard5 said"We've been seeing each other for about a month and he's already told me multiple times that he's in love with me."

    This is where you lost me.


    Trust me, hearing this from M scares me a little. Now, I know it's easy to let our emotions get the best of us sometimes, but I've never been one to throw about the L word so soon. I don't think he's in love with me, I think he's just in love with the idea of me, of having someone. I know you can't put time frames on things like this, but it's just too soon for me.