Has anyone came out after being married to a woman?

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    Jan 09, 2013 8:27 PM GMT
    I was just wondering what it is like being married to a woman to please your parents when you know for sure you are gay. For closet case who are pressured into marriage, how do you deal with the intimacy, and the emotional bond that comes with tieing a knot with a woman?
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    Jan 09, 2013 9:05 PM GMT
    ryan2013 saidI was just wondering what it is like being married to a woman to please your parents when you know for sure you are gay. For closet case who are pressured into marriage, how do you deal with the intimacy, and the emotional bond that come with tieing a knot with a woman.

    I married 2 women to please my parents (one at a time, needless to say). And also to advance my Army career, where every male Officer was expected to have a wife and children.

    My difference with you being that I honestly didn't believe I was gay at the time. I rationalized my lack of interest in women as just an absence of sex drive. Despite the fact I was whacking off at least twice a day, more often when I could. I didn't even have my first date with a woman until I was 26, and then only to quiet my Mother's nagging.

    How did I manage in bed with women? Not too badly, according to them. I read up on the subject, my typical obsessive attention to detail, and applied what I learned. But in my mind I was having gay fantasies while with them.

    Women would ask me why my eyes were always closed, and I'd tell them I didn't know, just a reflex. But in fact it was because I didn't really like what I was seeing, and in the darkness I could envision my fantasies better. I'm sure some of them knew my mind was elsewhere.

    But my dick felt great, Nature built a vagina for a man's pleasure. If you can cum in a guy's ass then you can certainly cum in a cunt, if your mind can block out the naked woman attached to it.

    And that's what I mostly did. And kept telling myself that this was exciting, because it was supposed to be exciting, what Nature intended me to like, like it or not, because I was a man. Except I didn't like it all that much, aside for the dick sensation part. I swear a man could fuck a prairie dog hole if he had no other choice, and many guys have fucked even worse.

    And if, OP, you are seriously asking this for your own self, then don't get married to a woman if you're gay. You may be pleasing your family, but you'll be cheating her. She deserves a straight husband, not a gay pretender.

    And believe me, she'll eventually realize you're really not into her, just going through the motions, as I was. Save yourself & her the grief, and don't do it.
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    Jan 10, 2013 3:19 AM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    ryan2013 saidI was just wondering what it is like being married to a woman to please your parents when you know for sure you are gay. For closet case who are pressured into marriage, how do you deal with the intimacy, and the emotional bond that come with tieing a knot with a woman.

    I married 2 women to please my parents (one at a time, needless to say). And also to advance my Army career, where every male Officer was expected to have a wife and children.

    My difference with you being that I honestly didn't believe I was gay at the time. I rationalized my lack of interest in women as just an absence of sex drive. Despite the fact I was whacking off at least twice a day, more often when I could. I didn't even have my first date with a woman until I was 26, and then only to quiet my Mother's nagging.

    How did I manage in bed with women? Not too badly, according to them. I read up on the subject, my typical obsessive attention to detail, and applied what I learned. But in my mind I was having gay fantasies while with them.

    Women would ask me why my eyes were always closed, and I'd tell them I didn't know, just a reflex. But in fact it was because I didn't really like what I was seeing, and in the darkness I could envision my fantasies better. I'm sure some of them knew my mind was elsewhere.

    But my dick felt great, Nature built a vagina for a man's pleasure. If you can cum in a guy's ass then you can certainly cum in a cunt, if your mind can block out the naked woman attached to it.

    And that's what I mostly did. And kept telling myself that this was exciting, because it was supposed to be exciting, what Nature intended me to like, like it or not, because I was a man. Except I didn't like it all that much, aside for the dick sensation part. I swear a man could fuck a prairie dog hole if he had no other choice, and many guys have fucked even worse.

    And if, OP, you are seriously asking this for your own self, then don't get married to a woman if you're gay. You may be pleasing your family, but you'll be cheating her. She deserves a straight husband, not a gay pretender.

    And believe me, she'll eventually realize you're really not into her, just going through the motions, as I was. Save yourself & her the grief, and don't do it.








    LOL. well my parents are forcing their arrange marriage mentality on me since I haven't found the "right" girl for marriage. I am running out excuses to get them off my back. I am only 25, and they want me married. I am tired of fighting with them about marriage and I am very sure they are not going to accept my sexuality. I was just thinking of marrying for few years and divorce, but as the other guy indirectly said, it would be cruel to the woman I marry so I am unsure of going that route. There are times I feel depress when I look at my parents face with so much expectations for me. I feel like they are going to be disappointed and I will be the one that will cause them humiliation if I come out.
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    Jan 10, 2013 3:23 AM GMT
    Even I have the same problem...
    few days ago My parents asked me about my marriage! I was just shocked, I was just 23....I don't know what to say....but I said them that I don't want to marry till I reach 32...

    Thank god they didn't say no to that, phew!
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    Jan 10, 2013 3:26 AM GMT
    Harry7785 saidEven I have the same problem...
    few days ago My parents asked me about my marriage! I was just shocked, I was just 23....I don't know what to say....but I said them that I don't want to marry till I reach 32...

    Thank god they didn't say no to that, phew!


    LOL. They didn't ask why the of age 32?
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    Jan 10, 2013 3:37 AM GMT
    ryan2013 said
    LOL. well my parents are forcing their arrange marriage mentality on me since I haven't found the "right" girl for marriage. I am running out excuses to get them off my back. I am only 25, and they want me married. I am tired of fighting with them about marriage and I am very sure they are not going to accept my sexuality. I was just thinking of marrying for few years and divorce, but as the other guy indirectly said, it would be cruel to the woman I marry so I am unsure of going that route. There are times I feel depress when I look at my parents face with so much expectations for me. I feel like they are going to be disappointed and I will be the one that will cause them humiliation if I come out.

    Tough choices, whatever you do. But I think the worst is knowingly marrying a woman under "false pretenses." She deservers better, deserves to have her own happy expectations of a straight marriage met.

    Marrying her "for a few years and divorce" is a terrible solution, and not worthy of you. I made that mistake, but only because I didn't know myself, didn't realize the mistake I was making. You already know better than me, so there's no excuse for a sham marriage.

    Yeah, telling your parents is tough. Ruining some young woman's dreams, maybe even her life by denying her other opportunities while she's still young, is far worse. And what about any children, who might find themselves in a broken home very early?

    No, you've gotta man-up, and do the right thing. You are gay, and a wife isn't in your future. Period. Marriage would be bad for her, bad for you, and ultimately bad for your parents, when the marriage crumbles, as it must, and that even you anticipate.

    You'd just be delaying the inevitable. So don't drag an innocent woman into this just to give yourself cover for a couple more years. Put your parents off as long as you can, but eventually you've gotta tell them, and end the charade. Would we not all agree on this?
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    Jan 10, 2013 4:17 AM GMT
    You could either tell them you're mentally not ready to get married.
    or
    Find yourself a 2-3y education to your interests (it will save you 3 years of nagging)
    or
    You find yourself a lesbian girl who is also getting forced into marriage
    (I would only recommend this if there was a gun pointing in your face icon_smile.gif)

    Hopefully you can get them off your back somehow...


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    Jan 10, 2013 5:06 AM GMT
    You can always declare yourself as a confirmed bachelor.

    Marrying a girl isn't the answer.
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    Jan 10, 2013 5:38 AM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    ryan2013 said
    LOL. well my parents are forcing their arrange marriage mentality on me since I haven't found the "right" girl for marriage. I am running out excuses to get them off my back. I am only 25, and they want me married. I am tired of fighting with them about marriage and I am very sure they are not going to accept my sexuality. I was just thinking of marrying for few years and divorce, but as the other guy indirectly said, it would be cruel to the woman I marry so I am unsure of going that route. There are times I feel depress when I look at my parents face with so much expectations for me. I feel like they are going to be disappointed and I will be the one that will cause them humiliation if I come out.

    Tough choices, whatever you do. But I think the worst is knowingly marrying a woman under "false pretenses." She deservers better, deserves to have her own happy expectations of a straight marriage met.

    Marrying her "for a few years and divorce" is a terrible solution, and not worthy of you. I made that mistake, but only because I didn't know myself, didn't realize the mistake I was making. You already know better than me, so there's no excuse for a sham marriage.

    Yeah, telling your parents is tough. Ruining some young woman's dreams, maybe even her life by denying her other opportunities while she's still young, is far worse. And what about any children, who might find themselves in a broken home very early?

    No, you've gotta man-up, and do the right thing. You are gay, and a wife isn't in your future. Period. Marriage would be bad for her, bad for you, and ultimately bad for your parents, when the marriage crumbles, as it must, and that even you anticipate.

    You'd just be delaying the inevitable. So don't drag an innocent woman into this just to give yourself cover for a couple more years. Put your parents off as long as you can, but eventually you've gotta tell them, and end the charade. Would we not all agree on this?




    I know coming out would be the ONLY solution. Brought up in religious conservative family makes things much harder, not to mention the humiliation my parents will face because of me.
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    Jan 10, 2013 5:42 AM GMT
    Ammon saidYou could either tell them you're mentally not ready to get married.
    or
    Find yourself a 2-3y education to your interests (it will save you 3 years of nagging)
    or
    You find yourself a lesbian girl who is also getting forced into marriage
    (I would only recommend this if there was a gun pointing in your face icon_smile.gif)

    Hopefully you can get them off your back somehow...




    I am the oldest in the house so the older one gets married first. Its a traditional thing so I can break that but I am sure I will hear plenty of nagging. I am a bachelor grad so that is usually when the guy starts to settle down because he is done with education.

    I am seeking a lesbian for the past year, I am having hard time finding a suitable match.
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    Jan 10, 2013 5:48 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidYeah, you're 24....you live in the USA....there's only so much "forcing" your parents can do to you here (and that ain't much.)

    It's not fair to the woman (unless, as suggested, you go for the lesbo agreement, where everyone knows what's up.)

    Best wishes....but I hope you take control of your life, dude.



    Thanks man. I am 24, and still have to ask my parents if I can go out with my friends. icon_rolleyes.gif I meant forcing as in emotional state than physical one. I will be kicked out and isolated. I do love my parents and I don't want my aunts and uncles looking down on my parents for having a gay son. I love my parents and I don't want them humiliated for having me as their son. I have been seeking a lesbian for marriage for the past year, turns out there are way more gay guys seeking sham marriage than lesbians.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Jan 10, 2013 5:59 AM GMT
    ryan2013 I know coming out would be the ONLY solution. Brought up in religious conservative family makes things much harder, not to mention the humiliation my parents will face because of me.


    by the sounds of it, you really love your parents (which is good) but are you familiar with the term "tough love" as well as the concept of "learning experience"?

    we're in the 21st century. Phones and computers are one and the same now. Besides a bit of humiliation helps combat "the deadly sin of pride".

    This isn't about "settling the score" or vengeance. This is about simply being, maybe even honest.

    Psst most things worth doing are far from easy ;)
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    Jan 10, 2013 6:41 AM GMT
    stratavos said
    ryan2013 I know coming out would be the ONLY solution. Brought up in religious conservative family makes things much harder, not to mention the humiliation my parents will face because of me.


    by the sounds of it, you really love your parents (which is good) but are you familiar with the term "tough love" as well as the concept of "learning experience"?

    we're in the 21st century. Phones and computers are one and the same now. Besides a bit of humiliation helps combat "the deadly sin of pride".

    This isn't about "settling the score" or vengeance. This is about simply being, maybe even honest.

    Psst most things worth doing are far from easy ;)


    Yes I love my mom very much and she is my only motive to do well with my life to make her proud. You are right this is more about truth than anything, and I hope to make the right decision when time comes along.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Jan 10, 2013 6:47 AM GMT
    F your parents and live your life for yourself. You're 24 years old and letting your parents run your life? How about growing a spine and doing what makes YOU happy because if you're not happy you sure can't make anyone else happy.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jan 10, 2013 6:51 AM GMT
    yourname2000 saidYeah, you're 24....you live in the USA....there's only so much "forcing" your parents can do to you here...





    You've obviously never spent much time in the Deep South part of the USA icon_exclaim.gif




    icon_lol.gif
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    Jan 10, 2013 6:58 AM GMT
    rnch said
    yourname2000 saidYeah, you're 24....you live in the USA....there's only so much "forcing" your parents can do to you here...





    You've obviously never spent much time in the Deep South part of the USA icon_exclaim.gif




    icon_lol.gif


    I live in the deep south and that's BS. He lives in the suburbs of Atlanta so it can't be that bad. I've been totally out in the deep south since my early 20's, including at work and it's never hindered me.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Jan 10, 2013 8:11 AM GMT
    ryan2013 said
    yourname2000 saidYeah, you're 24....you live in the USA....there's only so much "forcing" your parents can do to you here (and that ain't much.)

    It's not fair to the woman (unless, as suggested, you go for the lesbo agreement, where everyone knows what's up.)

    Best wishes....but I hope you take control of your life, dude.



    Thanks man. I am 24, and still have to ask my parents if I can go out with my friends. icon_rolleyes.gif I meant forcing as in emotional state than physical one. I will be kicked out and isolated. I do love my parents and I don't want my aunts and uncles looking down on my parents for having a gay son. I love my parents and I don't want them humiliated for having me as their son. I have been seeking a lesbian for marriage for the past year, turns out there are way more gay guys seeking sham marriage than lesbians.

    This is endearing and all, but wrong in many aspects. So you may be kicked out of the family?.... So was that 15 year old boy who told his parents and yet somehow made his way in life. You are 24. It is time to start grabbing life by the proverbial horns as it is. And you say you love your parents, so what makes you think they won't love you enough to one day accept you for who you are? It may take time, but more often than not parents DO come around to the idea of having a homosexual child. And if they don't then they have no concept of what it is to be a parent and have unconditional love for their child. You say your aunts and uncles will look down on your parents? So what? Let them look. The best way to get back at ignorant homophobes is to make something of yourself and do more in your life than they could have ever hoped to accomplish. You say your parents would be humiliated, but I have a question for you. As much as you love your parents, why do you think that it is ok to forego your own happiness, just to make them happy? Why are you living your life based on what they want instead of what you want? Ok so that's two questions lol. But realize that YOU are the one that will have to live your life, not them. Don't go for a sham marriage and never allow yourself to truly be loved by the man who's waiting out there for you. The man who will stand with you in your time of need. The man who wants to be by your side until the very end. Coming out is never an easy process. But do not see your happiness wasted for the selfish desires of others.
  • LadnerGuy

    Posts: 16

    Jan 10, 2013 8:29 AM GMT
    I did the "Get Married" thing...

    Somewhat for me, as well as my parents.

    I guess I fought my sexuality and figured I could do the straight thing. But really, I was the one that wanted kids... My ex tried to deal with me being "Bi". In the long run, it just wasn't meant to be.

    In the long run, it wasn't "fair" to my ex. or anyone for that matter. Don't live a lie - it hurts everyone.

    I have 2 beautiful kids, but the divorce hurt them more than either of us. I have had joint custody, and have been primary care giver for the last 12 years.

    Would I change anything? No... I have enjoyed being the father of my kids and supporting them in everything they do (soccer, football, baseball, lacrosse, etc..etc..) and schooling...(and paying.....).

    The down fall is that I am single still, and the biggest reason is most guys aren't interested because I have kids... albeit they are older (18 & 20)

    In a nutshell... BE WHO YOU ARE! Live with no regrets! Be Strong.

    The old saying... “Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”

    Live well...
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    Jan 10, 2013 8:49 AM GMT
    ryan2013 said
    stratavos said
    ryan2013 I know coming out would be the ONLY solution. Brought up in religious conservative family makes things much harder, not to mention the humiliation my parents will face because of me.


    by the sounds of it, you really love your parents (which is good) but are you familiar with the term "tough love" as well as the concept of "learning experience"?

    we're in the 21st century. Phones and computers are one and the same now. Besides a bit of humiliation helps combat "the deadly sin of pride".

    This isn't about "settling the score" or vengeance. This is about simply being, maybe even honest.

    Psst most things worth doing are far from easy ;)


    Yes I love my mom very much and she is my only motive to do well with my life to make her proud. You are right this is more about truth than anything, and I hope to make the right decision when time comes along.



    Homosexuality seems to have a theme of low self esteem and ambition.
    By your mid twenties you should have lauched and be living your life independent of your parents. I bought my own home at 26 eventually got married and lived most of my life 4000 miles away from them.
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    Jan 10, 2013 9:17 AM GMT
    I bet you're arab right?
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Jan 10, 2013 9:26 AM GMT
    Truth be told, all the closeted married guys I know are miserably unhappy. I actually don't mind doing talk therapy with them though, as I'm a very understanding person and caring for other people deeply is in my nature.

    So yeah it's not a route that's wise to go. You are so cute btw.

    Repression is not healthy. Repeat it 50,000 times: Repression is not healthy. Being with a woman but wanting to explore mansex but having to repress yourself will cause issues.

    Remember the first step out of depression is rage. It's anger. Because that actually moves you to something other than a closeted, depressed, people-pleasing life.

    So if you are down about stuff, follow your anger. Hate the faggot. Break the effeminate faggot's neck. Strangle the annoying narcissitic 'in your face' self-confident gays, all the ones that are living their lives independently and ignoring your own pain. Kill them and burn them and hate them... and follow your rage... then the next feeling and the feeling after that and then the feeling after that until u get a place where you are happy with who you are.

    And then you will meet the man of your dreams and will be like 'whoah. This is amazing.'

    Yeah yeah 'even if that man is just yourself.' (I have to appeal to the Hollywood 'self-confidence is best!' crowd)

  • CanYouKeepUp

    Posts: 92

    Jan 10, 2013 9:58 AM GMT
    My father divorced my mother after 25 years of marriage, because as Oscar Wilde deemed it, of a ‘love that dare not speak its name’ – we were simply not the ‘family’ he was attracted to. His misguidance influenced my decision not to wonder the same path.

    We were never close, and I regret not sharing with him my choice of orientation before his death of liver cancer. However, his influence (the damage and headache he caused our family) was enough to encourage me to freely explore my sexual orientation.


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    Jan 10, 2013 10:22 AM GMT
    ryan2013 saidThanks man. I am 24, and still have to ask my parents if I can go out with my friends. icon_rolleyes.gif

    That should not be the situation at your age in this country. Sounds like you're still living at home with your parents. If so, you really ought to move out and become more independent. When they bring up marriage, tell them you don't want to discuss it at this point - period.
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    Jan 10, 2013 10:26 AM GMT
    i did that... the marriage just last 2 years. after that and sick of trying to show something that wasn't me i came out. now i'm mrriage with a guy, and my family love him too. they just want my hapiness
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    Jan 10, 2013 10:40 AM GMT
    I was married for nine years.......it was not only to please my parents, but the world I lived in at that time......I am from the south(Alabama) and black....but it was my denial and non action that probably saved my life....all of the openly gay men I went to college with passed away from AIDS years ago....at that time no one really knew about the disease.....so from my marriage I gained a sense of stability and two incredible children....I have a wonderful partner, and my ex wife and I are really good friends....it's hard to come in the African American community when you seem to have it all....successful career, two kids (boy and girl),,,, and a wife that did not work outside the home......did I mention a Volvo station wagon......with the except of my children it was meaningless ...because I was lying to everyone but mainly myself....the journey has not been easy, but it end result of an authentic life is worth some heart ache and pain....