New to dating

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 4:59 AM GMT
    I'm 25 years old and have came out to most of my friends about 2 years ago. I've started dating since then and it has been nerve racking to say the least. Basically, I take a Xanax before the date to calm down. Lol. My problem lies in a date I went on recently. I had a first date that went great. We both clicked and it was the first time I ever clicked with a guy. After the second date (a movie), I didn't know what to do. I literally was so into this guy my nerves came back full force. I texted him the next day and I could tell he lost interest. I think I blew it. Haven't seen him in 3 months. I know this sounds like a really stupid question, but how do I be a good date?
  • to626n

    Posts: 6

    Jan 10, 2013 5:05 AM GMT
    My story is almost identical to yours. I'm also 25 and came out 2 years ago.

    Dating practices will be different for everyone, but I think the more experience you have the more confident you will be in the future. I've had dates that have gone wrong too. You know the ones where I'm in to the guy, but the feeling wasn't mutually reciprocated back. Don't look at your last date as a failed attempt, it's more of a learning experience.

    As far as advice to calm you down, maybe have a drink or two with him. Or do an activity for the date instead of watching a movie. Anyways good luck.
  • Kel_

    Posts: 1360

    Jan 10, 2013 5:11 AM GMT
    Already posted this on another thread.
    Here's a cute advice, in cartoon form.

    bfi1357789620r.jpg

    Good luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 5:14 AM GMT
    The anxiety is normal so don't feel bad about it. I get nervous anytime I meet someone new.

    Part of the answer to your question depends upon what you are looking for in the date. If you are looking for something long-term, your approach is going to be different than for a hookup.

    Personally, I like to make a first date (the several i've been on) more exciting. I like to do more outdoor related activities like a paintball first date or something more laid back like billiards if the person is not as outgoing. A date that involves doing an activity places less pressure to have a constant conversation. Also, the activity naturally gives you something to talk about and see if you have common interests. Given that you appear athletic, it may also let you show yourself off in a non-arrogant manner. Just be yourself and if things click, great. If not, maybe it was not meant to be. There are lots of guys out there and the fact that one didnt work out may say more about them than you.

    One last thing, if you have interest in the person after the first/second date, let them know that you enjoyed the time with them and set up another date.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 5:15 AM GMT
    Don't worry man. I feel like I'm bad at dates as well. I've been on a few dates and I have notice that people try to expect something from me and it gets me frustrated.

    Just try to be normal and I know this is hard to do. Just pretend you are meeting a long lost friend or something and just talk about stuff you talk with others.

    All the best! icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 5:15 AM GMT
    I think the question you need to ask yourself is how do you conquer your anxiety. It seems from your story, you were fine on your date but I'm guessing your anxiety took over because you were constantly thinking about your recent bad dating experience. If you took a Xanax before this new date, well guess what, it didn't work.

    When you go on your next date, try to harness your anxiety and relax. Be yourself. If you find yourself back in the same anxiety situation, then you need to seek professional help.
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    Jan 10, 2013 5:16 AM GMT
    Well I would say don't pressure yourself.Talk a Lil bit about yourself.Ask him some things he likes..food,movies etc.Make sure you dress nice,smile,laugh.If it is meant to be it will work.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jan 10, 2013 5:43 AM GMT
    just get drunk and wait for your date naked.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 5:45 AM GMT
    That's pretty cute that you get nervous but everyone does. A date really is an interview or a way to see if you are compatible or not. Unfortunately, everyone is looking for a different "first date" and some come in with expectations of what it should be.

    I really like Kel_'s illustration and its very true do not talk about Ex's its a major turn off!
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    Jan 10, 2013 5:53 AM GMT
    All good advise so far from other RJ members, just my two cents as well since we have all been there...find out what are his interests, hobbies, etc. in the 1st date if at all possible. In this manner, it will give you some ideas of what the next dates would be, but also be opened for him to plan the next date as well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 6:09 AM GMT
    Wow, you're the one getting nervous? That just blows my mind. If I went on a date with you I'd the nervous one. Maybe the other guy is just as nervous as you are. Don't take someone not being interested too seriously, that kind of stuff happens 99% of the time with guys. Sudden, unsolicited end of contact happens to everyone, believe me, it's nothing wrong with you. What is it you're worried about anyways? Rejection?

    If it's really becoming a problem, you could always use a little "social lubricant" until you learn the rules of the dating game. Give it time and don't give up cus of one guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 6:40 AM GMT
    I know I'm not the only one with this issue because it's a gay man's issue, but one or the other party will be afraid to be vulnerable and is scared of what actually liking someone may mean in terms of changes their life will make. So they do things unconsciously to push people away. I am very guilty of this, but if both parties aren't open to the idea of sharing emotions and intimate feelings, it won't work. That's why I'm perpetually single. I always find something wrong with the guy or he finds something wrong with me or there's absolutely nothing wrong with either of us but I sabotage or stonewall (or he does, as in the last few cases I've had), which is when you removal all communication chance with the person so they get no fighting chance with you, or you're too busy, or they're not comfortable with being a homo or I'm not comfortable being a homo around him or other people, etc. Good luck. I've been in therapy for 1.5 years and figured this out now, especially after this week. Doing it is scarier. It's so much easier to keep hooking up and being lonely and depressed all the time than to share intimate emotions and face the chance of getting stepped on, which will happen a lot. Men aren't supposed to share feelings, so when you see it happening, you're labeled fem or are not attracted to him because he's not masc enough for you. My last date I got labeled not masc enough while it was like pulling teeth to get any info about his life out of him. Then he wouldn't even kiss me on the way out. Fuck him.

    Then there are hangups you have to make yourself single all the time: he's not muscular enough, he has hair on his chest, he doesn't have hair on his head, he has too much hair on his head, he's not [race] you're not into, he has a small dick, his dick is too big, his ass isn't plump enough for me, his hole is loosey goosey, he sucks at kissing and can't learn, he is positive/negative, he's too fem/masc, he doesn't look like I imagined prince charming would look like so I'm not gonna settle and I know I can do better (even if he's good looking). Some are legit hangups, but you can't have too many.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 6:55 AM GMT
    Awwww. Its hard to control the nerves when you are trying to impress someone.
    You just have to pretend in your head like he is one of your friends that you are talking to. You just have to mentally relax and not think too much into it. As someone else mentioned- If you are usually nervous, I would try doing some sort of activity to break the ice.



    Good luck and hopefully your dating experience gets better.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jan 10, 2013 7:10 AM GMT
    This kind of thing saddens me so much. Man, you are beautiful! And hot!! If I were anywhere near your age I'd date you any time anywhere.

    I don't understand why dating is so difficult for so many of us. bluey2223 has certainly outlined some of what goes on. So many guys seem, on one hand, to want a relationship but, on the other hand, to do everything in their power (mostly unconsciously) to make sure it never happens.

    Why is intimacy so scary? Is it we're afraid of getting hurt? We don't want to feel that vulnerable? I ponder these things but I don't have answers either.

    All I know is although both my LTR's ended in tragedy I don't regret a single moment of either one of them.

    Life is short, guys, it really is. NONE of you know how long you've got. You may think because you're young you have your whole life ahead of you. Well, maybe that is true. Maybe not. No one knows. But even if you live to be a 100, all that is going to count is the years you spent in love. I know that sounds stupid but I believe it is true. All the rest of it is just 'spending' time, not fully living it.

  • 1blind_dog

    Posts: 377

    Jan 10, 2013 8:02 AM GMT
    What's the age range of the guys you've dated/are attracted to normally? I've found that dating older (even within a few years), they're generally more receptive to newcomers and even find the nervousness endearing. They're also more likely to take the time to make you feel comfortable and get you to open up (at least in my experience). They've been through it and understand and are less likely to hold it against you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 8:59 AM GMT
    Seriously...if they're getting turned off dating you, then what chance do the rest of us have.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 10:26 AM GMT
    How to be a good date: xsocalguy's styles:

    1. Jerk off and cum pre-date. (lol, this will help you relax and feel non-sexual, don't fuck him on the first date if you want something serious.) ** Remember the movie - There's something about Mary? Ben Stiller character.

    2. be non-chalant, cool, coy, be interested but don't be too serious or very talkative or pour your heart/all the details out within the first 1 or 2 hours.

    3. If you like him, tell him, compliment him *like *oh, I like your eyes, nice shirt !!! etc.

    4. If you're feeling him, kiss him at the end of the night, watch out for clues and signals to see if he's interested in meeting up again.

    5. Go home and sleep, leave it up to fate. If he calls or text again, give it a 2nd or 3rd date shot.

    6. Rules to get a bf - don't fuck him on the first 3 dates ! (I read that in Finding the Boyfriend Within). Good rule. Don't call or text obsessively either. Leave some mystery and him wanting more. You can be a slut on the 4th date. icon_wink.gif

    Seriously, you only get better after so many tries, don't give up. You will be fine next time. You're a cute guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 11:27 AM GMT
    I'd say just be yourself, this way you'll get higher rate of rejection but you'll give yourself a chance to find someone who likes you for you!

    Being nervous is completly normal, some might find it cute...

    And don't think of it as if you blew it... But more that they're the ones that blew it... Just don't get too cocky about it icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 2:37 PM GMT
    Kel_ saidAlready posted this on another thread.
    Here's a cute advice, in cartoon form.

    bfi1357789620r.jpg

    Good luck!

    haha!

    OMG! THIS WAS THE BEST ADVICE EVER!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 2:38 PM GMT
    don't worry bro... I've been dating since I was 21 after my fiance (guy) passed away and I've only had 2 boyfriends since then. One for 3.5 yrs and the other for just 3 months... I still don't have it right and I'm still trying to figure out... just have fun and have no expectations. Seems to feel easier that way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Feb 15, 2013 6:18 PM GMT
    Kel_ saidAlready posted this on another thread.
    Here's a cute advice, in cartoon form.

    bfi1357789620r.jpg

    Good luck!


    I should post this on Facebook! icon_wink.gif
  • great_scott

    Posts: 519

    Feb 16, 2013 2:22 AM GMT
    All you have to do is calm down and have fun. You could try dating more people more often. The more you do it, the less nervous you'll be. The less nervous you are, the more fun you'll be. And then if things don't work out with one guy, you still have some options. That should take some of the pressure off you too.
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    Feb 19, 2013 5:25 AM GMT
    Everyone's nervous on their first and second dates. You won't blow it simply because you're nervous. Trust me -- he's just as nervous (or if he's not, he's a calous bastard who just doesn't care and he's not worth a third date!)

    Be comfortable and do things you like to do, and talk about what's important to you. If the other guy's not interested in those things, it's probably not a match -- even if there were to be a third/fourth/fifth date.