Should I get involved? Family issues

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 9:02 AM GMT
    My mom recently remarried after being divorced from my dad for 20 years. This man is a kind and good hearted man, but he is an idiot, to put it mildly. My mom thought she was going to have a nice comfortable life, she thought he was going to take care of her, but instead, due to her husband's stupidity and mismanagement of money, she. is basically supporting herself AS WELL AS her husband. Long story short she did not know what she was getting herself into... Which is her own fault for not being smarter herself. You should know all the ends and outs of someone and their dysfunctions before marrying them!... Anyway...

    My mom recently came to me, very upset, and after a few drinks divulged how miserable she is right now and she is thinking about leaving him if certain things don't change...

    The biggest issue is this man's loser adult daughter has been living with them for almost 8 months now. DUI's, been to jail, just totaled her car, is lazy, mooches, doesn't pay rent or contribute at all, is a slob, lies to her dad about everything the list goes on and on and on--- the girl has issues. My mom's hard earned money is inadvertently going to support this man's daughter, because my mom pays bills, water, groceries and recently contributed to the mortgage of the house (his house) as well!

    In a small way I almost wonder if her leaving him would be for the best... Despite being middle aged, my mom is a very beautiful, kind, and desirable woman on many levels... I have no doubt she could find love and happiness again. Plus she can take care of herself. She doesn't NEED a man. However, it breaks my heart to think of her getting a second divorce. Who wants that? I want her to be happy in this marriage, and have a happy life with this man, even if I never approved and don't think he is good enough for her. I want them both to be happy... I don't want this life for her. I never wanted her to marry him to begin with, but now that she's gone and done it, I want it to be happy and successful.

    SO my question is: Should I get involved? Should I tell my mother's husband how fragile and desperate this situation has become? Because I don't think he is fully aware... I want to help, but I don't want to embroil myself in their drama/his family drama, nor do I want to poke my nose where it doesn't belong.

    Any advise would be greatly appreciated. I apologize for rambling...
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Jan 10, 2013 10:05 AM GMT
    What do you mean by 'involved.'

    Show your support and try to care/help if you can, while still keeping your emotional distance/independence.

    family it's hard to help them since we're usually so close. oftentimes our efforts to help backfire because there isn't enough emotional distance.

    keep in mind that it's difficult for some people in relationships because even if the person is an external loser, that loser might have defended or stuck up for their mate when they were in a vulnerable spot in their lives and needed the help and so that person fell in true love with them for it. do you understand? even though they are worthless externally and yes even though ideally 'we should all just pick our own selves up by the bootstraps' like Oprah says (god I hate oprah lol)

    Even though you know that's true, you also know what it's like to have crushy swirly tender-hearted feelings on somebody who sees your vulnerability and wants to protect it and make love to it and slowly coax it into strength and if that person, usually a female with a 'bad boy' misunderstand male comes to that, it can be hard to stop that....

    get involved but not too involved. the buddha way. truly care & listen but be firm that the person needs to take real action steps to change.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 10:28 AM GMT
    This is a difficult one, but here goes.

    Helping your mom should be priority nr. 1...
    How you can help her should be the question.
    Can you help her husband somehow get his life back on track? by helping him, you help your mother ofcourse...
    Maybe a hard to hard talk with his daughter (or a slap here in there icon_smile.gif), making her see that she's not only destroying her life but could destroy her father's life... But I can already guess she's not going to be all too sensitive about it.

    Anyway, I hope the best for your mom! The best thing for now is to be there for your mom when she needs you, you're still her son no matter how hard you try to stay out of the situation...





  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 10:33 AM GMT
    chinese ppl once say the worst nightmare of men are choosing the wrong career path and the worst nightmare of women are choosing the wrong husband to spend the rest of ur life with him.Go figure.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Jan 10, 2013 11:07 AM GMT
    I'd ask my mom if she thinks she could make it work and still salvage any scrap of happiness from the relationship. I'd also tell her that I would not be able to make any decisions for her, and that she'd have to be the one to have a talk with her husband and his daughter. All the while, I'd let her know that I'd be there to support her in whatever way I could, outside of getting directly involved.
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    Jan 10, 2013 11:13 AM GMT
    TheBizMan saidI'd ask my mom if she thinks she could make it work and still salvage any scrap of happiness from the relationship. I'd also tell her that I would not be able to make any decisions for her, and that she'd have to be the one to have a talk with her husband and his daughter. All the while, I'd let her know that I'd be there to support her in whatever way I could, outside of getting directly involved.


    It's the opposite of what I said but it does make better sense instead of slapping the daughter some senses icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 10, 2013 1:01 PM GMT
    Of course I would involved. It's my mom happiness. How old is your step-sister?
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Jan 10, 2013 1:15 PM GMT
    First thank your Mother for sharing her burdens with you and let her know you will always LISTEN to anything she has to say. Let her know if she wants advice that she should seek a good marriage or personal counselor.

    If you stay out of the decision but keep being her sounding board your relationship will survive regardless of what she decides .... she is going to need you either way.
  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Jan 10, 2013 1:16 PM GMT
    TheBizMan saidI'd ask my mom if she thinks she could make it work and still salvage any scrap of happiness from the relationship. I'd also tell her that I would not be able to make any decisions for her, and that she'd have to be the one to have a talk with her husband and his daughter. All the while, I'd let her know that I'd be there to support her in whatever way I could, outside of getting directly involved.


    I should had read this and just said +1!!!!!
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    Jan 10, 2013 1:34 PM GMT
    When I moved to the South, I asked my sister if I should get involved and try helping helping her kids with their issues/dramas. She said, No. I have kept out of their business, and them out of mine. Best choice since moving here. All my dramas are only in my mind, and I can manage that. I don't need unnecessary aches and pains.
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    Jan 10, 2013 3:19 PM GMT
    When problems involve someone we love and care about, our human nature makes us tend to jump in and try "fix" their problems. We can't. A person must fix his/her own problems.

    Be there for her and let her know. Encourage her to talk to her husband and let him know how she's feeling.

    Basically, her relationship with her husband is really not your business. Be there for her and be there for him, too. He'll need your support.

    It's only natural for him to want to try and help his daughter and he may not understand why your mother doesn't see it the same way. At their age, they've raised their children and should have the rest of their lives together with no interference from problem children (your step-sister).

    I was one of 7 boys. My dad always taught us that we should never involve ourselves in the private lives of one another, but always be their to support one another's decisions.

    It's hard not to involve ourselves. I know it hurts you to see this happening, but to be strong for her, you have to stay uninvolved but supportive.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 3:24 PM GMT
    You're mother is getting something out of the relationship or she wouldn't be there. We all have self-will, and that's her choice.
    1) You can never rationalize with someone under the influence of any substance.
    2) You can only be there for her emotional support and possibly financial when she is ready, but she must be the one that is ready.


    My mother is on her fourth marriage and still just as miserable. The only advice I give her is, "Wow, that must be comfortably miserable. I love you still, and I hope you decide to free yourself of that someday."
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Jan 10, 2013 8:04 PM GMT
    Get involved. Getting things out in the open are the only way for things to move and get resolved quickly. No more dancing around the topics that are being brushed under the rug.

    Families need to always have open and healthy communication.
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    Jan 10, 2013 8:32 PM GMT
    I say get involved. You take on yourself some responsibility but it's a way how to show your support. It might get you into trouble but I think it's better then regret it later that you didn't do anything.
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    Jan 10, 2013 8:53 PM GMT
    Depends on a bunch of things, like how close you guys are, how you two deal with things etc.

    In my family, based on our past and relationships I would go nuclear on him, my sister too, our aunts, cousins, everyone would jump in. But that's just how my family operates. Sounds bad, but its worked every single time and it ensures we keep crap (morons and gold diggers) out of our lives. The things I've seen, lol.

    Sanding on the sideline doing nothing is what the UN is there for, you should definitely do something, the big question really is do you send her to a professional for assistance, do you sit with her and support her emotionally into the right direction or do you approach him and tell him he needs to wake the fuck up.

    My vote is for either door number two or three.


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    Jan 10, 2013 10:02 PM GMT
    Gymrat123 said...
    SO my question is: Should I get involved? ....



    Have you asked your mother if she wants you to get involved with the situation?
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    Jan 10, 2013 10:14 PM GMT
    Gymrat123 said My mom thought she was going to have a nice comfortable life, she thought he was going to take care of her...No able bodied adult individual capable of supporting themselves should ever expect someone else to afford them a comfortable life or to be taken care of. You never know what twists and turns a life will take and suddenly you're without support or marketable skills.

    In a small way I almost wonder if her leaving him would be for the best... Sounds like it is to me.Despite being middle aged, my mom is a very beautiful, kind, and desirable woman on many levels... I have no doubt she could find love and happiness again. Plus she can take care of herself. She doesn't NEED a man.Then her situation isn't as dire as it seems. She needs to see a lawyer to protect herself and get rid of the moocher.
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    Jan 10, 2013 10:17 PM GMT
    You need to let your mother, as an adult, decide her own path. She does not need an intervention, but, she has choices to make:. 1. Stay and leave it the way it is and be hopeful. 2. Stay and try to evolve the relationship. 3. Give up and leave.'

    Those are things she needs to decide. It's not your business.

    Your step father's daughter may well need help, but, it's not your house, nor your situation. It's your step-father's and your mother's house, and it's your role to not be involved. These aren't matters you can, nor should, decide. If your parents get tired of the daughter, they will take action when they've had enough, or are good and ready.