Is it normal to question things?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 1:34 PM GMT
    So my boyfriend and I have been together for about four years. It's been a great relationship, we care about each other very much, we are quite close with one another's family, and we get along very well.

    We moved in together a little over a year ago, and it went off without any problems for the first few months. The past couple of weeks though, I've found myself questioning things. I know we're easily on our way to "marriage", kids, a house, etc. I just keep asking myself "how do I know if he's the one? What if there is someone else out there for me?"

    I guess what has made me question this is what we do together. I'm very active- I like working out, want to try new sports, enjoy work and often take it home, travel a lot, and was very close with friends. Since moving in, I've realized he's more into his computer and television. It sometimes drives me crazy that he isn't up doing anything and is always around the house. Sometimes I just want time alone or him to suggest we go do something.

    At the same time, we work so well together and I love him.

    Is this a normal feeling as you get further into relationships? I would hate to end something so good. I dated a lot before we got together, and know the type of guys out there. I'm very picky and aside from the above, I'm very happy with who I'm with.

    Just wanted some suggestions or experiences. I know it's best to talk with him about it, but what if I do and things don't change?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 10, 2013 2:01 PM GMT
    You should buy yourself a full length mirror and date that guy.
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    Jan 10, 2013 2:04 PM GMT


    "We moved in together a little over a year ago, and it went off without any problems for the first few months. The past couple of weeks though, I've found myself questioning things. I know we're easily on our way to "marriage", kids, a house, etc. I just keep asking myself "how do I know if he's the one? What if there is someone else out there for me?"

    I guess what has made me question this is what we do together. I'm very active- I like working out, want to try new sports, enjoy work and often take it home, travel a lot, and was very close with friends. Since moving in, I've realized he's more into his computer and television. It sometimes drives me crazy that he isn't up doing anything and is always around the house. Sometimes I just want time alone or him to suggest we go do something."

    OK..I can only go by what you've posted so far.
    First, of course there's someone else out there. For him as well. If a relationship ends, the two in it go on to meet others and eventually fall for someone. If one dies, the other continues knowing there IS someone out there.
    The more important question is why are you asking yourself this.

    Second, you have a man that you are in love with that's in love with you. He is not in your face or constantly nagging you; on the contrary he has his quiet interests and you're free to go about yours. When you get together on something it should be a natural occurrence and not forced.
    You CAN sit down with him and express your need for some quiet time at home alone. You CAN invite him out with your friends (always give him the option!) and one day he may be intrigued enough to go with you and even make some friends he'll want to hang out with.

    Lastly, a question. Why is it important that he come up with things for both of you to do?

    intrigued,
    -Doug

  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Jan 10, 2013 6:52 PM GMT
    ... you might want to talk to him about "taking initiative" and have a bit of demonstration. Possibly against a wall. And include the phrase" it does'nt have to be about sex either".
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Jan 10, 2013 8:08 PM GMT
    I have learned from my parents, and my brother's marriage, that in a relationship it is normal for the two to share a certain number of activities or interests, and for each to have their own things that is their own. In any relationship I feel it is important to have something that is their own. Even in a marriage some alone time is healthy. whether someone likes to read or they get into computers , while another likes taking a number of fitness classes.

    Perfectly normal. But if you feel it starts to get in the way of your relationship progressing, then try to find some compromise.
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    Jan 10, 2013 8:18 PM GMT
    Is it possible he needs alone time from you?
    Have you asked if he always spent time on TV and computer?

    If you didn't know it before you moved in together, how come? Seems like a pretty obvious thing: know what your man likes to do in his free time.

    That said, if this is relatively new behaviour, ask him what''s changed and what he's holding back from. When this is new behaviour, it's often to cover fear of exposing an unmet desire. Maybe he's into fencing (with swords, not stolen goods) and you've said it's the stupidest thing ever and now he feels shut down.

    Perhaps he has a fantasy about being the football coach who seduces the young quarterback but you've expressed no interest in role-play.

    Good men who fit with you are hard to find. Talk to him. Ask him what he really wants from life and then help him get it if you can.
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    Jan 10, 2013 8:19 PM GMT
    If those things bother you now, they will drive you STARK RAVING NUTS 5, 10, 15, 20 years (depending on your tolerance for pain). Do yourself and him a favor - MOVE ON.

    I've been in a few LTR in my day. I know of which I speak.