Socially inept

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    Jan 11, 2013 5:05 AM GMT
    I think I am socially inept. I have no problem communicating at work, or when I have to run errands, but if say I am waiting in line at a store and someone starts a conversation with me, I lose all my words and look dumb or mean. But the reality is I just don't know how to have a casual conversation, it's like my mouth is taped. It makes me miserable coz I have no friends because of that. What do I do!?
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    Jan 11, 2013 5:08 AM GMT
    It's like when you first learned to type on that keyboard; this time you practice and you get better at putting your thinking out there with your mouth instead of a keyboard. icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 11, 2013 5:16 AM GMT
    There's no way to just become a social butterfly overnight.

    People who are easy breezy talkers have a lot of practice, and are very comfortable around others.

    Maybe you can work your way up, from an easy social environment to harder stuff. And think about what makes you uncomfortable around others. What are you afraid of them saying or doing in response?
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    Jan 11, 2013 5:20 AM GMT
    Loosen up. It ain't that serious!
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    Jan 11, 2013 5:41 AM GMT
    SkinnyBitch saidThere's no way to just become a social butterfly overnight.

    People who are easy breezy talkers have a lot of practice, and are very comfortable around others.

    Maybe you can work your way up, from an easy social environment to harder stuff. And think about what makes you uncomfortable around others. What are you afraid of them saying or doing in response?


    That's a very good question. Growing up my family used to criticize me a lot for what I said or did. For that reason I closed up when I became a teen and never opened up since. I think I am afraid they will judge me like my fam did. I worked hard to erase the past and I don't want to bring it back.
    The fact I'm gay makes it even hardericon_sad.gif
  • TheAlchemixt

    Posts: 2294

    Jan 11, 2013 6:21 AM GMT
    Practice, Practice, Practice!

    Also read books on how to communicate effectively! Don't underestimate the power of books!
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    Jan 11, 2013 6:25 AM GMT
    TheWind said
    SkinnyBitch saidThere's no way to just become a social butterfly overnight.

    People who are easy breezy talkers have a lot of practice, and are very comfortable around others.

    Maybe you can work your way up, from an easy social environment to harder stuff. And think about what makes you uncomfortable around others. What are you afraid of them saying or doing in response?


    That's a very good question. Growing up my family used to criticize me a lot for what I said or did. For that reason I closed up when I became a teen and never opened up since. I think I am afraid they will judge me like my fam did. I worked hard to erase the past and I don't want to bring it back.
    The fact I'm gay makes it even hardericon_sad.gif


    Do you have any friends at all? Not even one? I agree with other guys on here saying to practice. But honestly, it's kinda hard to practice being social when you don't even have a single friend to practice on.
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    Jan 11, 2013 7:07 AM GMT
    Erik101 said
    TheWind said
    SkinnyBitch saidThere's no way to just become a social butterfly overnight.

    People who are easy breezy talkers have a lot of practice, and are very comfortable around others.

    Maybe you can work your way up, from an easy social environment to harder stuff. And think about what makes you uncomfortable around others. What are you afraid of them saying or doing in response?


    That's a very good question. Growing up my family used to criticize me a lot for what I said or did. For that reason I closed up when I became a teen and never opened up since. I think I am afraid they will judge me like my fam did. I worked hard to erase the past and I don't want to bring it back.
    The fact I'm gay makes it even hardericon_sad.gif


    Do you have any friends at all? Not even one? I agree with other guys on here saying to practice. But honestly, it's kinda hard to practice being social when you don't even have a single friend to practice on.


    Not one single friend... My phone never rings. And u know, people who don't really know me think I am popular. So I don't want to disappoint them and I hide the fact that I am lonely icon_sad.gif
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    Jan 11, 2013 7:27 AM GMT
    Try Toastmasters.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toastmasters_International
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    Jan 11, 2013 7:44 AM GMT
    TheWind said
    Erik101 said
    TheWind said
    SkinnyBitch saidThere's no way to just become a social butterfly overnight.

    People who are easy breezy talkers have a lot of practice, and are very comfortable around others.

    Maybe you can work your way up, from an easy social environment to harder stuff. And think about what makes you uncomfortable around others. What are you afraid of them saying or doing in response?


    That's a very good question. Growing up my family used to criticize me a lot for what I said or did. For that reason I closed up when I became a teen and never opened up since. I think I am afraid they will judge me like my fam did. I worked hard to erase the past and I don't want to bring it back.
    The fact I'm gay makes it even hardericon_sad.gif


    Do you have any friends at all? Not even one? I agree with other guys on here saying to practice. But honestly, it's kinda hard to practice being social when you don't even have a single friend to practice on.


    Not one single friend... My phone never rings. And u know, people who don't really know me think I am popular. So I don't want to disappoint them and I hide the fact that I am lonely icon_sad.gif


    I think it's about time you stop trying to please others so you can look good and start being honest with yourself. If you're saying that people think you are popular, then that means you have the potential to make a lot of friends. You might be surprised on how much friendship you can gain just by being honest. And seriously dude, you live in San Diego. I have a circle of friends in San Diego and I don't even live there...well not yet! But if I can gain friends while living 2000 miles away, then you can too! Good luck!
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jan 11, 2013 12:30 PM GMT
    you could have a mild form of autism
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    Jan 11, 2013 12:36 PM GMT
    "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie
    "The Art of Talking So That People Will Listen" by Paul Swets
    These are great books from where to start. Learn first.
    Then, Toastmasters is a good place to practice.
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    Jan 11, 2013 12:39 PM GMT
    This thread is useful. Still struggling with my ineptitude.
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    Jan 11, 2013 12:40 PM GMT
    TheWind said
    SkinnyBitch saidThere's no way to just become a social butterfly overnight.

    People who are easy breezy talkers have a lot of practice, and are very comfortable around others.

    Maybe you can work your way up, from an easy social environment to harder stuff. And think about what makes you uncomfortable around others. What are you afraid of them saying or doing in response?


    That's a very good question. Growing up my family used to criticize me a lot for what I said or did. For that reason I closed up when I became a teen and never opened up since. I think I am afraid they will judge me like my fam did. I worked hard to erase the past and I don't want to bring it back.
    The fact I'm gay makes it even hardericon_sad.gif
    Sounds like a carbon copy of my upbringing. It also took me years to open up to people in social environments. This may be easier said than done, but put yourself out there in the most crowded areas you can find, as often as possible. That's the only way to overcome the anxiety and learn to chit chat with total strangers.
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Jan 11, 2013 4:01 PM GMT
    Empathy. And to be honest, a sense of manipulation.

    People who are social butterflies pay excellent attention to how other people are feeling, and know what to do to make them feel better usually as they are really subtle about it. They won't lay anything on too thick but they won't be an ass to the person either. They won't sugarcoat but if they are too abrasive they feel genuine guilt instead of 'oh you should just be more tougher!' like a forum troll. (this is why real life social situations can be healthy)

    In other words, they have more grounded bar street smarts rather then the intellectual narcissism that exists in online communication.

    As Giles said on Buffy "dealing with people requires a certain finesse." If you lack that finesse you're going to come off as a cunt, like at the dentist office there was this introvert and I could tell she wasn't trying to be rude, but her self-absorption was a bit off-putting.

    One of my gay friends is a social butterfly he's very popular and has a lot of friends but it's because he puts other people before himself. He is incredibly loveable, but also comes off as energetic. And you become a bit of a know it all and human maipulator but that's just the dark side. =p

    You basically leave yourself open to others, but in a way where you will not let them take advantage of you either. Even though I know this intellectually I'm still more like you because uhh idk. I just am. I'm kind and understanding and stuff but I'm still so damn self-absorbed too much in ways.
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    Jan 11, 2013 4:10 PM GMT
    Lore_menz0 saidThis thread is useful. Still struggling with my ineptitude.

    +1
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    Jan 11, 2013 4:13 PM GMT
    I think you need to ask yourself this: do you want more friends because you genuinely would like to connect to others? Or do you want more friends for the sake of having more friends? The answer to that will determine how you go about remedying your problem.
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    Jan 11, 2013 4:21 PM GMT
    It is easier for some than others. It is a personality issue.

    It is a lot easier going to gym and changing your physique than it is to change ones personality. However it can be done. It takes self awareness, a desire to change and a lot of work.
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Jan 11, 2013 4:25 PM GMT
    yeah I was just gonna say, it really is about understanding that you can connect with people.

    Socially anxious people often feel like everybody else will just be an asshole, nobody will want to connect with them but then when they encounter a real life social situation they will realize that they can connect with some people even if some people are not going to show much empathy to them.

    In other words you drop over-generalizations and 'putting pretty bows' on everything and you just learn to accept reality the way it is.
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    Jan 11, 2013 4:28 PM GMT
    MuchMoreThanMuscle saidIt's like whore sex. The more you practice the better you get at it.

    So....

    practice practice practice!

    icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
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    Jan 11, 2013 7:28 PM GMT
    To be on the wire is life; the rest is waiting...

    It's showtime, folks.


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    Jan 11, 2013 8:52 PM GMT
    calibro saidyou could have a mild form of autism


    Lol? Why?
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    Jan 11, 2013 8:55 PM GMT
    Bromoflexual saidI think you need to ask yourself this: do you want more friends because you genuinely would like to connect to others? Or do you want more friends for the sake of having more friends? The answer to that will determine how you go about remedying your problem.


    I think I could use a few genuine friends. I have never felt comfortable in a big group so I am not looking for numbers.
    It's just that I think I could be good to someone and I feel useless being all by myself
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    Jan 11, 2013 9:04 PM GMT
    thegaymessiah saidyeah I was just gonna say, it really is about understanding that you can connect with people.

    Socially anxious people often feel like everybody else will just be an asshole, nobody will want to connect with them but then when they encounter a real life social situation they will realize that they can connect with some people even if some people are not going to show much empathy to them.

    In other words you drop over-generalizations and 'putting pretty bows' on everything and you just learn to accept reality the way it is.


    You're probably right. Nowadays people connect based on interest. Being alone has sort of eroded my interest. The loneliness gnaws at everything in your life.
    I still have love music and movies but its horrible going to the movies alone. I tried to go to a live music bar once when in San Francisco and it was weird because people were looking at me like I had 3 eyes icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 11, 2013 9:08 PM GMT
    TheWind saidI think I am socially inept. I have no problem communicating at work, or when I have to run errands, but if say I am waiting in line at a store and someone starts a conversation with me, I lose all my words and look dumb or mean. But the reality is I just don't know how to have a casual conversation, it's like my mouth is taped. It makes me miserable coz I have no friends because of that. What do I do!?


    Start by completing your profile, and becoming pictured. In The Real World, hopefully, you'd have a face, a handshake, and a smile. You should behave properly here, too. YOU ARE SOCIALLY INEPT, and LAZY (too lazy to even complete your profile.)

    You are miserable because of your lack of efforts.

    You have to be gregarious. Smile, have a face, shake hands, have a first and last name. Time to grow up, and be a real boy.