Am I about to ruin my life, or have I already done so?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 1:29 AM GMT
    Hey Guys. Ok, so I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life, and this seems like a great group of guys to get some feedback from. I'm hoping maybe someone has been in a similar situation and has some words of advice?

    Here is my situation. I'm in my early 30's, I have a college degree, a great job with great pay, a loving wife and 2 young kids. We live in a nice neighborhood in a large house that is in a great small community. This is the life I would have dreamed of when I was younger, and I'm living it.

    However.... I've recently come to terms with the fact that I'm attracted to men. It is one of those things that has always kind of been there, but I pushed it aside and ignored it, hoping it would go away. Recently, for some reason, I faced it head on (with myself) and reailized that although I have the perfect 'straight life', I am gay and long to live the 'gay life'.

    So, here I am in my beautifully crafted life, and I now realize I am not being true to myself. I love my kids dearly (both under 6) and I know that will never change. I also love my wife, and don't want to hurt her. I know, obviously, this is going to crush her as I turn her world upside down (she is a stay at home Mom who has dedicated her life to me and the kids), however, I feel as though the longer I keep from telling her, the more it is going to hurt her.

    So, I can continue living the life I have been living (and enjoying), but I feel that at some point I'll have to face the music of the truth. Or, I can blow up everything around me and attempt to start my 'new life' while keeping my 'old life' connections as best I can. I know I'll always be in close contact with my kids, I'll make sure of that, but I know that our relationship will change. Obviously, so will my relationship with my wife who has been my partner for 15 years.

    I'm not the type of guy that would have an 'on the side' relationship, so that is not an option. I need to either commit to the life I've created, or destroy that and start over. I love my life that I'm living, but I long for a relationship with a man.

    Has anyone been in this situation? Any words of advice? I feel like my only option is to come clean with my wife about my realization and deal with the consequences, but that is very difficult for me to do. I know, what is easy isn't always what is right and what is right isn't always easy.

    I just feel like I have the perfect life, and I'm about to completely F* it up.

    Any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 1:40 AM GMT
    You say you don't want an "on the side" fling thing; but you haven't even talked about this with your wife yet. Who knows...she might be closeted bisexual and long for swinging. Just a hunch...

    It's WAY more common than you think.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 1:53 AM GMT
    Paul, I'd like to think that was the case, but I'm pretty confident it isn't. She is very sexual towards me in a 'woman who desires a man' type way, so I think it is unlikely.

    If that were the case, and she has had or will have a similar realization, that would be a MUCH easier conversation to have though! Thanks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 3:00 AM GMT
    Sounds like you've given this a lot of thought. I guess it boils down to how badly you want to make this huge change. On one hand it would be great for you to live the single life - have a bachelor pad and date guys. You'd still have your career and see your kids on weekends and holidays. On the other hand - you could just carry on as you have been - and see if your longing to be with a guy continues.

    A good friend of mine was in your same situation. He is an attorney - and had a beautiful wife and two daughters. This happened nine years ago. They were in their late 30's and the daughters were just pre-teen. Well, my friend thought about it for several years, he said. One day when the kids were at the grandparents' house for the weekend, he sat down with his wife and had 'the talk'. She didn't take it well. She screamed and hollered, then tried to talk him out of this - telling him he was just going through a phase that would pass, and when that didn't work, she threatened to get an expensive lesbian attorney - - - and take him for plenty of money. She followed through on her threat. The large house was sold. The wife & daughters got a smaller one. My friend got a cool condo nearby. He pays a heck of a lot of alimony and child support but he considers it well worth it to be free and he's met some really good guys. He looks great - is working out more - is truly happy for the first time in his life. He's very glad he made the change - although it has been expensive.

    Good luck. Let us know what you decide to do - - either way!
  • mv03

    Posts: 201

    Jan 12, 2013 3:12 AM GMT
    I only have one piece of advice, because I cannot imagine being in your predicament. You mention the 'gay life'. I would recommend making sure you are 110% sure of what a gay life on the inside of it. I would focus on being true, and discussing things with your wife, without throwing it away. I would not recommend the 'gay life' as you call it. It's a better view from the outside. That being said, you have one life on earth. If you are truly miserable, it isn't worth it. I hope whatever the situations outcome, it is the best for everyone.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 3:12 AM GMT

    Like he said, this is going to be expensive. If you're going to have this talk, start out immediately offering what you'll do for her--child support, living support.

    You haven't cheated yet, so the betrayal isn't really there, other than--misleading--about who you really are. Maybe misleading is the wrong term--omitting is a better one.

    Ask for her forgiveness about the omitting thing, but don't lie to her.

    No guarantees about how she'll react. Have a place to stay already set up, maybe at a very trustworthy friend's house.
  • runninginmd

    Posts: 4

    Jan 12, 2013 3:12 AM GMT
    I can certainly relate to what you have written. I was in a similar situation myself.
    I was married to a wonderful, beautiful woman for nearly 12 years with 3 kids. I was living the life that was "expected" of me. However, there was a part of me that knew something was off. I had a strong attraction to other men. My wife and I had a different relationship than what you describe with yours. We were emotionally growing distant after a miscarriage. The unhappiness we were experienced forced me to confront my feelings and attraction that I had toward men. I will always recall the night that I came out to her. It was truly a bittersweet moment filled with a wide range of emotion.
    The journey has been a difficult one, but the decision was the right one. I needed to be honest to both of us. It wasn't fair for either of us. For the longest time, I just felt I believed this as a way of rationalizing my decision. However, as I have come to terms with things, that is hardly the case. I can assure you that I am a much happier person now and that my heart is filled with more love than it had been before. I am no longer trying to "hide". Being open and honest is one of the greatest gifts I have been able to give my children, because it has allowed me to love them even more than I had prior to my divorce--and I didn't even know that was possible.
    The decision is a very personal one and you seem to have given it significant thought. I am always willing to correspond via e-mail for support if you have any questions. I am not shy about sharing my experience and am willing to be a good listener.
    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 3:17 AM GMT
    Sounds like you know what you really want. Check with your wife -- that is if you both are close at all. Who knows, she might be supportive.

    The problem that you might have (and same goes with the rest of the guys here) is the question: "What is a gay life?" (hint: it's not all about having sex with dudes.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 3:17 AM GMT
    There was a really good guy posting on here for a while, pretty much while going through the process you describe, but then he disappeared. Last I heard he had told his wife, was working on the divorce and was getting ready to tell his children, older than yours, teens I think, so I don't know how that went.

    Looks like his profile now shows up as hidden but if you search TriAthInCA you'll find his posts.

    here's a couple:

    Would you date a guy going through a divorce?
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1994930

    So when did you switch teams?
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2099397

    When did you tell your kids you were gay
    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/1776910
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 3:32 AM GMT
    @theantijock,
    From your 2nd link, I found the excerpt below VERY FASCINATING:

    I've been happily married for 25 years. I was hetero up through college and lived with a series of sexually insatiable girl friends (probably kept me from experimenting). My best friend from college (rowed D1 varsity crew) hit on me spring term senior year, I turned him down, he tried again fall after graduation when I was living in DC and I hit the bid this time. Fireworks. I decided I was gay and came out, lasted two years with this buddy. Broke up, moved to NY, met another great guy, again, 2 years. But it didn't feel right, and it was clear I wasn't gay or straight. Went to grad school, came back to NY, tried dating both sides, met my future wife and wow, fireworks. Met my perfect life partner. I told her everything, both former bf's came to the wedding, and somehow it has all worked just fine. The key was the honesty BEFORE we got married, so she knew exactly what she was getting into.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 12, 2013 3:32 AM GMT
    Well first, let me say "congrats" for approaching this with the idea of honesty being foremost in your mind. You sound like a great guy with a very challenging decision

    I'm not going to encourage you to take one action or another, but rather, whatever you ultimately decide to do, be true to yourself, be honest. I'm sure your family loves you dearly and hopefully that won't change. It will be hard enough on you to do this... so always take the high road, even if it means a harder climb... it will pay off in the end. Respect in yourself
    always ranks. Many hugs and support here my friend.

    icon_biggrin.gif
  • Petenj

    Posts: 7

    Jan 12, 2013 4:00 AM GMT
    This is pretty common. Hey, its my story actually.

    Married for 20 years, divorced. In a straight relationship for 4 years now.

    And have decided its time to come out of the closet.

    Toughest thing you can imagine, walking away from someone who loves me.

    OTOH - I know I can't live a schizoid life, I know I'm gay.

    Good luck
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 4:12 AM GMT
    Sorry to be brutal but you are a complete a hole.You are 10 years younger than me.Which means you grew up in the 90s.Hardly the 1950s.So you wait till you have 2 small children to decide you want to break your vows and become a gay playboy.If I was your wish I would hire the sharpest lawyer and take you for every nickel I could.You want to go out and get laid once in a while be discreet and play safe.Dont abandon your wife an kids when you swore to be true.You made your bed.Wait till your children are older then make your move.Ryan
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 4:15 AM GMT
    You seem to be a pretty level headed guy and know what you have to do. Now the difficult part is putting it into action.

    It is clear you really care for your wife so I would hope you break the news easy to her and help her come to an understanding. If she has no source of income it might also be wise to help her get on her feet if you decide to move out and start another life. News like this won't be easy to accept, but with your help she can get through this.

    Hopefully your kids will understand also. This will be a learning experience for them as much as it is for you. Just take it day by day and know the coming out process is a difficult situation for most of us.


    Good luck! And keep us updated!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 4:19 AM GMT
    I used to be such a jerk about this topic, but after rereading this and that YN2K link, I feel so bad for you married late bloomers. I've made such an effort since my teens to not become like you guys cause of these issues you got now. Being gay is all I know...
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    Jan 12, 2013 4:27 AM GMT
    So what is this phenomenon that happens where a guy joins the site, and within 24 hours is posting a thread where he's exposing his soul to everyone here? Not saying that you specifically are a troll or a sock account, but I just find it very bizarre. Am I correct in assuming this isn't your first time at our little rodeo?
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    Jan 12, 2013 4:30 AM GMT
    aidenMaximus said@theantijock,
    From your 2nd link, I found the excerpt below VERY FASCINATING:

    I've been happily married for 25 years. I was hetero up through college and lived with a series of sexually insatiable girl friends (probably kept me from experimenting). My best friend from college (rowed D1 varsity crew) hit on me spring term senior year, I turned him down, he tried again fall after graduation when I was living in DC and I hit the bid this time. Fireworks. I decided I was gay and came out, lasted two years with this buddy. Broke up, moved to NY, met another great guy, again, 2 years. But it didn't feel right, and it was clear I wasn't gay or straight. Went to grad school, came back to NY, tried dating both sides, met my future wife and wow, fireworks. Met my perfect life partner. I told her everything, both former bf's came to the wedding, and somehow it has all worked just fine. The key was the honesty BEFORE we got married, so she knew exactly what she was getting into.


    Ya I actually think I remember reading that. Not familiar off hand with the poster but I like his honesty in that post.

    I was 10 years with a bi guy who played with females. Hadn't I lost him to death I don't know how that relationship might have further developed, him just having them on the side or a full-blown three way affair and raising kids, I don't know.

    The OP seems pretty clear that he just wants a one on one so you have to go with what you are comfortable with. I guess he'll know more once he comes clean to his wife. She might want to get on with her life or she might want him still with her in whatever capacity. Life is not the storybook we were lead to believe. It's much more interesting.
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Jan 12, 2013 4:36 AM GMT
    Sounds like you know what you really want. Check with your wife -- that is if you both are close at all. Who knows, she might be supportive.

    The problem that you might have (and same goes with the rest of the guys here) is the question: "What is a gay life?" (hint: it's not all about having sex with dudes.)

    Its not much different than that of a straight one. Your personality is not changed, nothing is changed about you. Other than the fact that you are both guys, I see absolutely nothing that should make it different unless you want to conform to some stereotypical views.
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    Jan 12, 2013 4:40 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidSo what is this phenomenon that happens where a guy joins the site, and within 24 hours is posting a thread where he's exposing his soul to everyone here? Not saying that you specifically are a troll or a sock account, but I just find it very bizarre. Am I correct in assuming this isn't your first time at our little rodeo?

    Sometimes I think these are some of our own members. What allowances would you make if this was your favorite RJ'er?
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    Jan 12, 2013 4:53 AM GMT
    Lore_menz0 said
    Scruffypup saidSo what is this phenomenon that happens where a guy joins the site, and within 24 hours is posting a thread where he's exposing his soul to everyone here? Not saying that you specifically are a troll or a sock account, but I just find it very bizarre. Am I correct in assuming this isn't your first time at our little rodeo?

    Sometimes I think these are some of our own members. What allowances would you make if this was your favorite RJ'er?


    Well, I think the advice we would give would be of higher quality, since we might know the person well enough to give personalized advice. But in general, it just rubs me the wrong way to think one of our members is trying to trick us into giving him advice as he pretends to be a stranger.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 4:57 AM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    Lore_menz0 said
    Scruffypup saidSo what is this phenomenon that happens where a guy joins the site, and within 24 hours is posting a thread where he's exposing his soul to everyone here? Not saying that you specifically are a troll or a sock account, but I just find it very bizarre. Am I correct in assuming this isn't your first time at our little rodeo?

    Sometimes I think these are some of our own members. What allowances would you make if this was your favorite RJ'er?


    Well, I think the advice we would give would be of higher quality, since we might know the person well enough to give personalized advice. But in general, it just rubs me the wrong way to think one of our members is trying to trick us into giving him advice as he pretends to be a stranger.


    Well I kind of agree I couldn't even get through the first paragraph as my shit detectors were already up
  • 1blind_dog

    Posts: 376

    Jan 12, 2013 5:30 AM GMT
    WickedRyan saidSorry to be brutal but you are a complete a hole.You are 10 years younger than me.Which means you grew up in the 90s.Hardly the 1950s.So you wait till you have 2 small children to decide you want to break your vows and become a gay playboy.If I was your wish I would hire the sharpest lawyer and take you for every nickel I could.You want to go out and get laid once in a while be discreet and play safe.Dont abandon your wife an kids when you swore to be true.You made your bed.Wait till your children are older then make your move.Ryan


    WOW...I mean, I'm sorry but I just can't help myself. This has got to be the bitchiest, slap in the face of a comment I've read (on RJ or other) in some time. You condone lying by telling him he should cheat for the next, what, 12-14 years? and pretend to be happy? If he's got it figured out for sure that he's gay he's going to get sick of the situation long before 18 comes for either kid making the marriage unhappy and possibly forcing a push for divorce from either one of them. And frankly, it's an insult to both of them. He'd be denying himself and her of real love. Yes, he made his bed, but to take that many years away from her from finding a true partner is even worse. It's one thing to hurt her (which will happen either way) but to waste so much of the one life she gets is disgusting. He can't take back the last 15 years but at least let her choose what her next 15 are.

    You honestly make is sound as if you believe being gay is a choice. Do you have any idea what's been going on in his head? or how difficult this is for him? or anyone who's ever been in his situation? Yeah, he grew up in the 90's, that doesn't automatically mean he had supportive homosexual peers nearby to learn from or influence him. You don't know his family or the home he grew up in. I don't know why some guys come out at 14 (like an ex) or 22 (like me) or 30 (like my best friend), do you?

    What I find most entertaining is that you just posted on another thread how you HATE arrogant guys. Really?!

    : an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions

    Do you really not see this in your own statement?!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 5:36 AM GMT
    Who gives a shit if it's an existing member or not. A person is asking for help. It doesn't make you look anything less than a good guy for trying to help him regardless.

    "I'm not the type of guy that would have an 'on the side' relationship, so that is not an option. I need to either commit to the life I've created, or destroy that and start over."
    Props.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 5:58 AM GMT
    Bottom life for me is this:

    If you actually LOVE your wife, then you need to divorce her while she's still young enough to find a 100% straight man to marry her.

    You're not doing her any favors by dragging this out. In fact, you're being incredibly selfish.

    You *will* eventually divorce her. But don't wait until you're both in your 40's and it's much harder for her to find a new man.

    It's way harder for women than for guys to find partners as they get older.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 12, 2013 6:21 AM GMT
    Your life is not ruined, for some it just takes longer than others to completely realize who the are. It's not too late to start living the way you want to. I'm sure your wife will be devastated and it won't be easy for her but you have to tell her once you're 100% sure that its what you want. The sooner she finds out the faster she will move on and find someone else, hopefully. You also have what most gays dream of, your kids. You sound like a responsible father so they will be okay. You're still young and your life is ahead of you. You just have to make a tough choice right now...one if them will make you happy.