Need advice on broaching the subject of dating exclusively

  • sbwlguy

    Posts: 566

    Jan 13, 2013 3:37 PM GMT
    I have been seeing a guy I like for the last few weeks. We both like each other equally and aren't playing the silly dating game, i.e. following conventions on how frequently to text, etc. What I'm saying is that our behaviour is totally natural and feels uninhibited.

    I would like to raise the topic of exclusive dating with him, but I'm not 100% sure how to do it. I have a fuck buddy who I have met up twice since we started dating. I have no idea if he has been seeing anyone else. If I raise the topic with him I also feel like I don't want to lie to him, in case he asks if I have been seeing anyone else.

    Does anyone else have experience of this? How would you broach the subject? I feel pretty confident that he would be up for dating exclusively.

    Advice much appreciated. Cheers.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 5:38 PM GMT
    It's only been a few weeks. I'd give it more time for you guys to just enjoy being with each other.

    And if you're really considering dating exclusively then ditch your fuck buddy. You don't want to have to lie about that if it does come up - it's no way to start a relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 5:44 PM GMT


    You: " Would you like to see others as well as me, or just me?"

    If he says others as well, there's your answer. If he says only you, then there also is your answer. If he asks you what you would like, then tell him what you'd like.

    icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 10:23 PM GMT
    Hello mate,

    There is nothing wrong in telling him how you feel. In fact, I think if you feel it now, then talk to him to make sure that he's on the same page. Of course, as mentioned before, I would consider ditching the fuck buddy until at least it doesn't work out with you both. Lots of luck mate.

    Cheers,

    Sean
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 10:57 PM GMT
    I would say wait a Couple of months at least till you know him better
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 11:00 PM GMT
    Wait a couple of months? I asked my last ex, 'what are we?' after about 3 weeks. We became bf's right after. The story gets more complicated after that, but you get the moral of the story.
  • Kel_

    Posts: 1360

    Jan 13, 2013 11:40 PM GMT
    I was in the very same situation as you are now.

    The way it ended? Basically, the guy I was dating asked me if he wants to go steady, and so we did. I said goodbye to my fuck buddy and told him I've been seeing and going steady with someone.

    It's all about open communication.
  • spacemagic

    Posts: 520

    Jan 13, 2013 11:42 PM GMT
    Because that might not be what he wants?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 11:46 PM GMT
    Kel_ saidI was in the very same situation as you are now.

    The way it ended? Basically, the guy I was dating asked me if he wants to go steady, and so we did. I said goodbye to my fuck buddy and told him I've been seeing and going steady with someone.

    It's all about open communication.


    DITTO.
    I did the same thing too, told all my "buddies" i'm getting serious with somebody(still in the works).
    My body seems to shut itself from other guys, except The One who wants to be with. So does my heart.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 1:18 AM GMT
    meninlove said

    You: " Would you like to see others as well as me, or just me?"

    If he says others as well, there's your answer. If he says only you, then there also is your answer. If he asks you what you would like, then tell him what you'd like.

    icon_wink.gif

    Agreed. I once pressed a guy too hard just 2 weeks into our dating, and spooked him. We dated some more, but I ultimately lost him. You just gotta learn the art of judging a nibble, before you try to set the hook.
  • turtleneckjoc...

    Posts: 4685

    Jan 14, 2013 1:21 AM GMT
    sbwlguy saidI have been seeing a guy I like for the last few weeks. We both like each other equally and aren't playing the silly dating game, i.e. following conventions on how frequently to text, etc. What I'm saying is that our behaviour is totally natural and feels uninhibited.

    I would like to raise the topic of exclusive dating with him, but I'm not 100% sure how to do it. I have a fuck buddy who I have met up twice since we started dating. I have no idea if he has been seeing anyone else. If I raise the topic with him I also feel like I don't want to lie to him, in case he asks if I have been seeing anyone else.

    Does anyone else have experience of this? How would you broach the subject? I feel pretty confident that he would be up for dating exclusively.

    Advice much appreciated. Cheers.


    This is a tough one. I fumbled the ball on this very same thing recently--he immediately started seeing "the one" right after our first date.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 1:29 AM GMT
    GigoloAssassin said
    Kel_ saidI was in the very same situation as you are now.

    The way it ended? Basically, the guy I was dating asked me if he wants to go steady, and so we did. I said goodbye to my fuck buddy and told him I've been seeing and going steady with someone.

    It's all about open communication.


    DITTO.
    I did the same thing too, told all my "buddies" i'm getting serious with somebody(still in the works).
    My body seems to shut itself from other guys, except The One who wants to be with. So does my heart.


    Swoon! icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 5:45 AM GMT
    I had to check your profile to see if you were 18.
    You're 33 and you've never had the talk before? Now is your chance to do it.

    It's sort of a test. If you can't talk to this guy then you really don't have a right to be exclusive with him.
    If you want to be exclusive and push for greater intimacy with this guy, you should be able to talk to him about being exclusive.

    It doesn't really matter if he's been seeing other guys or if you've been seeing other guys. All that is the past, before you choose to be exclusive.
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Jan 14, 2013 5:54 AM GMT
    Honesty is the best policy. But I feel that if you aren't official then any side action isn't pertinent. Just bring up the subject and try to be straight forward about it. I find it helps to rehearse the conversation in my head and try to figure out how to have control over the interaction for the best possible outcome, win win.
  • sbwlguy

    Posts: 566

    Jan 14, 2013 8:28 AM GMT
    Macaque saidI had to check your profile to see if you were 18.
    You're 33 and you've never had the talk before? Now is your chance to do it.

    It's sort of a test. If you can't talk to this guy then you really don't have a right to be exclusive with him.
    If you want to be exclusive and push for greater intimacy with this guy, you should be able to talk to him about being exclusive.

    It doesn't really matter if he's been seeing other guys or if you've been seeing other guys. All that is the past, before you choose to be exclusive.


    Yes, I am 33, and I've never had this talk before. Is there anything shameful about that? I've never been in a relationship before, so this is new to me.

  • Jan 14, 2013 8:33 AM GMT
    I think you should wait a while maybe a month or so.. i mean you dont want to scare him away by asking to be exclusive right away. But deffinitely if you really, do like him alot dont see anyone one else, what if he hasnt been seeing anyone else. Then when the time comes to talk about exclusive dating, how is he going to feel if you were with your buddy or whoever else? Probaly feel bad. just saying.....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 8:42 AM GMT
    If its something you feel strongly about and given your comments about how naturally comfortable you are together, just ask him, talk about it...
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Jan 14, 2013 8:47 AM GMT
    Macaque saidIt doesn't really matter if he's been seeing other guys or if you've been seeing other guys. All that is the past, before you choose to be exclusive.


    This, and it will be a test of whether or not it will work on based on yours and his reactions to this info.

    My advice from experience is, yes, tell him you've slept with another guy since you've met him -- if he can't leave it in the past it's better to know now. I had an ex who could never get over the fact that I had hooked up with someone else before we were official. Even though there was no sex involved, his inability to let it go poisoned the rest of our relationship.

    I naively didn't think it mattered: I had reason to think he was traveling and hooking up with other dudes too which didn't matter to me. Whoopsy-daisy: it matters lot to some guys. Part of it was we moved too fast: we never had the talk you are having about exclusively dating before going straight to boyfriend stage. When I realized it would be a big deal to him, I panicked and purposely withheld that information until after we were in too deep. You do not want to do this.

    It's good you are moving in stages, just make sure everything is out there. Good luck.
  • sbwlguy

    Posts: 566

    Jan 14, 2013 9:13 AM GMT
    TroyAthlete said
    Macaque saidIt doesn't really matter if he's been seeing other guys or if you've been seeing other guys. All that is the past, before you choose to be exclusive.


    This, and it will be a test of whether or not it will work on based on yours and his reactions to this info.

    My advice from experience is, yes, tell him you've slept with another guy since you've met him -- if he can't leave it in the past it's better to know now. I had an ex who could never get over the fact that I had hooked up with someone else before we were official. Even though there was no sex involved, his inability to let it go poisoned the rest of our relationship.

    I naively didn't think it mattered: I had reason to think he was traveling and hooking up with other dudes too which didn't matter to me. Whoopsy-daisy: it matters lot to some guys. Part of it was we moved too fast: we never had the talk you are having about exclusively dating before going straight to boyfriend stage. When I realized it would be a big deal to him, I panicked and purposely withheld that information until after we were in too deep. You do not want to do this.

    It's good you are moving in stages, just make sure everything is out there. Good luck.


    Thanks for your reply.

    I also want to say that I always enjoy reading your posts. You seem a very together guy. icon_smile.gif
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Jan 14, 2013 9:38 AM GMT
    sbwlguy said
    Thanks for your reply.

    I also want to say that I always enjoy reading your posts. You seem a very together guy. icon_smile.gif


    That's kind, thank you.

    In fact, what seems like togetherness is result of exact opposite. Having been broken so many times, why not tell people "Yeah, I screwed that up already so you don't have to." Glad my fuck-ups can sometimes can now pass for togetherness though, at least I got something out of 'em. icon_wink.gif

    That you even thought to have this exclusive dating talk before rushing into something shaky demonstrates *your* togetherness. That I didn't shows you how together I was, hmmm...