Would you end a 2 year relationship over flirting?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 4:08 PM GMT
    It's hard for me to tell if this flirting is for attention or for something more. First, let me explain why my trust is so fractured. A year ago my bf cheated on me with some girl that took advantage of how drunk he was. While I'm mad he didn't push her off, I also understand this girl has 3 kids with 3 fathers and she was looking for a way to trap my bf into a relationship. I forgave him for this, but it really hurt my trust in him. A few months later, I stupidly looked at his phone and found some texts flirting with a guy. I know this was for attention because my bf is shallow and the guy was really ugly - I know nothing would happen.

    Recently, I saw a text from a new guy. Someone I hadn't heard of, so I didn't snoop his phone but instead looked on Facebook to see who the guy was. It's a gay guy, 9 years younger than my bf, who lives somewhat close. He's 20 so I can't imagine they'd know eachother from school or bars or anything... I'm not sure what to do. I did catch a glimpse of some flirty words, but I don't know if its purely for attention or something more.
  • sbwlguy

    Posts: 566

    Jan 13, 2013 4:26 PM GMT
    I sense an inevitable breakup.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jan 13, 2013 4:28 PM GMT
    If you're going to draw a line in the sand that says monogamy or bust, then you have to find a partner who is on the right side of the line. You can't drag someone over it just because you want to. Snooping and accusing will only push him to cheat again, if he hasn't done so already.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 4:32 PM GMT
    I think your best option is to be honest with him.Flat out ask him who this new guy is and why he is flirting.

    Don`t beat around the bush.

    Don`t wait for him to tell you { he won`t }

    Tell him you want to know why the same flirting pattern is repeating over and over again,but don`t be overly dramatic about it.

    Just have a serious conversation about it where you two can come to some sort resolution.
  • sbwlguy

    Posts: 566

    Jan 13, 2013 4:32 PM GMT
    From another thread you started - http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2132869/ I also notice your sex life ain't doing so great.

    I'm sorry to say, but you may as well be the one to end it now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 5:08 PM GMT
    He already knows you forgive infidelity, now he just wants to know how many times. You should just give him the number you are willing to put up with, say 30-50 or so, and then you end it. That way you have set up some sort of goal for him to reach. Maybe he could bang 25 women and 25 men before you call it quits. Sounds like you are dating a real winner.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 5:33 PM GMT
    You deserve better. A one-time mistake can be forgiven, but he's chatting with dudes in a flirtatious manner on a regular basis - I'm assuming from Grindr or some other dating website. Ugh. Run!!
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Jan 13, 2013 6:14 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidHe already knows you forgive infidelity, now he just wants to know how many times. You should just give him the number you are willing to put up with, say 30-50 or so, and then you end it. That way you have set up some sort of goal for him to reach. Maybe he could bang 25 women and 25 men before you call it quits.


    tumblr_m6jlebqHk11qj9z2s.gif

    If you can't say Amen, say ouch. Been there, done that.

    This is the thing: all people makes mistakes, and thus all deserve to be forgiven by others. Once, even twice, if said mistakes are followed by a good faith attempt to learn, grow, and FIX IT. The actual fixing it part -- the attempt to repair what was broken, to return what was stolen, to clean what was dirtied -- is key.

    By mistake number three it's clear the person has no intention of changing. Of growing, of fixing anything. It's called "he has no respect for you." Why did he lose respect? It could be something you did to be honest -- snooping/cheating is as HJ said a vicious cycle. It could be a fatal character flaw in him. Could be a combination but in either case, he no longer gives a fuck as indicated by his refusal to stop flirting with other dudes. What you don't know about is likely worse.

    Which your of flaws, imperfections, and mistakes is he using to guilt and manipulate you into putting up with his bullshit?

    You will do what the rest of us did and continue letting him disrespect you until you have have had enough. Like smartmoney indicated, hopefully you will be smarter than fools like me and get out while its still just flirtatious texts before he starts bringing his low rent trashy tricks into your home. #notbitteratall haha
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 6:21 PM GMT
    Thanks for all your input so far.
    I feel like some people assume he's cheating, and some dont, so it's good to hear both sides.
    My bottom line question is, if he is only flirting for attention, no intention of cheating, is that worth throwing away something good?

    I worry that he could cheat, but that may be my own flaw. Could I be overreacting to flirting purely for attention?
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Jan 13, 2013 6:23 PM GMT
    HottJoe saidIf you're going to draw a line in the sand that says monogamy or bust, then you have to find a partner who is on the right side of the line. You can't drag someone over it just because you want to. Snooping and accusing will only push him to cheat again, if he hasn't done so already.


    Couldn't say it any better. I put up with this for a while with my last boyfriend and the more I told him I knew about it, and let it slide, the flirting got worse and then some. Decide what you want to happen now and make it so.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Jan 13, 2013 6:28 PM GMT
    double_A said

    I worry that he could cheat, but that may be my own flaw. Could I be overreacting to flirting purely for attention?


    Read smartmoney's post again. Whether it's flirting or cheating mattered the first time. It is moot at this point, because it's the third time (that you know of). This has started to be about his disrespect for you and his selfish, self-centered belief that one person in the relationship gets to say "fuck it" put in no effort to fix things and do whatever he wants regardless of how it affects the other.

    When you understand that this is far more poisonous to your relationship than some sex on the side, you will have your answer. These kinds of people have very shallow relationships, no real friends, and they never learn. His attention-seeking as you call it is a symptom of all this.

    He will flirt with and eventually cheat with any dude who give him the attention he craves. You are on out list because you dared to become close and challenge him. They need constant reinforcement, they cannot handle stress or being challenged, they are incapable of sustaining deep relationships, they hide their insecurity and fragility behind a veneer of not caring.

    Red flags all over this post and your other one. I am the stay and fight it out type, because gays give up on guys too easily. Not this time. Run dude! We messed up so you don't have to icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 6:29 PM GMT
    Sounds like your bf can't be trusted.

    Without trust, there will NEVER be a relationship.

    Been there, learned that the hard way. Good luck my friend. Don't let it turn you into a person who believes every dude is your ex... cuz it happens.. lol icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 6:33 PM GMT
    you are still with him. What are you complaint about? Like Sbwlguy said you made the thread last year about him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 6:34 PM GMT
    Why are you staying anyway?

    It's clear there's blatant disrespect (texts/online messaging) going on- so why do you stay?

    Lose the respect for him and do what you want. Clearly he wasn't thinking of you when he's doing his dirt, so, I hate to say it, but.. Fuck it icon_smile.gif

    Cheers icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 6:38 PM GMT
    Would you end a 2 year relationship over flirting?

    I guess it would depend on they type of flirting and the length of time the flirting has been going on that would decide if I'm angry enough to call it off...but once I've decided that trust has been broken with me, there is no second chance lol I'm like a vault, once you're in, you're in....but once you're out, the code changes and you're locked out lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 6:38 PM GMT
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    Jan 13, 2013 6:39 PM GMT
    BlackCat90 saidWould you end a 2 year relationship over flirting?

    I guess it would depend on they type of flirting and the length of time the flirting has been going on that would decide if I'm angry enough to call it off...but once I've decided that trust has been broken with me, there is no second chance lol I'm like a vault, once you're in, you're in....but once you're out, the code changes and you're locked out lol


    love you for it.

    It's like... who are you? never met you.
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    Jan 13, 2013 6:41 PM GMT
    running11 said
    BlackCat90 saidWould you end a 2 year relationship over flirting?

    I guess it would depend on they type of flirting and the length of time the flirting has been going on that would decide if I'm angry enough to call it off...but once I've decided that trust has been broken with me, there is no second chance lol I'm like a vault, once you're in, you're in....but once you're out, the code changes and you're locked out lol


    love you for it.

    It's like... who are you? never met you.


    DROPPED faster than a Sprint call icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 6:57 PM GMT
    Sounds like you guys have different expectations about relationships.. for him, monogamy isn't the #1 priority. If you can live with that and adapt to his way of thinking, then you'll be fine. I know a lot of couples who have done really well for years with open relationships.

    If you decide that's just not what you want/need, you'll have to break it off, but hopefully do it in a way that you can stay friends since you care about each other and like him.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Jan 13, 2013 6:58 PM GMT
    I wouldn't end it, but I would downgrade it after having " a serious conversation".
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 6:59 PM GMT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 7:01 PM GMT
    Also, there are people who are just social animals, and thank god for them because they bring a lot of light and love into people's lives, sometimes at times when they really need it. (If you've ever gone out to a club and had one of those nights when everyone there seems to be giving you the cold shoulder and you start to feel down about it and alone, then you know how much it raises your spirits and what a difference it makes when someone has the balls to say hi.)

    So flirting might just be one of his character traits, and there's people who really appreciate him for that. If all he's doing is flirting, I would place my bet on the thought that he's not doing it to hurt you or disrespect you, he's doing it because it makes others feel good which makes him feel good. It means he's not selfish.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Jan 13, 2013 7:07 PM GMT
    dashboard2003 said If all he's doing is flirting, I would place my bet on the thought that he's not doing it to hurt you or disrespect you, he's doing it because it makes others feel good which makes him feel good. It means he's not selfish.


    Ha. Just like when he selflessly got drunk and had sex with another girl. #justbeingsocial

    I think dashboard2003 is a sock account for the OP's boyfriend. Or an attorney for NFL players.
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    Jan 13, 2013 7:10 PM GMT
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jan 13, 2013 7:14 PM GMT
    have you tried talking to him?