Advice for a guy who is only partially out

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 13, 2013 11:07 PM GMT
    I'm 29 living near Seattle, and pretty shy. About six months ago I discovered that I am not straight. And just a few years before I was a very conventional, devout Christian. Because I don't have a lot of gay friends, I've been trying to figure all this out on my own since then., for the most part. So I was wondering if anyone can offer any good advice on a guy who is just beginning this journey.

    Any advice you think may be helpful is appreciated. advice on how to come out to a family I am distant with, how to approach dating men for the first time, new anxieties to expect, how to tell if I am gay or bi, or whether or not to worry about this at all--this would also be very helpful.

    Thanks!
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    Jan 13, 2013 11:10 PM GMT
    coffeemate saidhow to tell if I am gay or bi
    Are you sexually attracted to women?
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    Jan 13, 2013 11:18 PM GMT
    Hah well not sure. I see can acknowledge some women attractive, but not sure if I am actually sexually attracted to them... If that makes sense?
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    Jan 14, 2013 12:07 AM GMT
    Do a dude. A really hot one. Then you'll know if you're gay. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 14, 2013 2:30 AM GMT
    Neight said
    coffeemate saidhow to tell if I am gay or bi
    Are you sexually attracted to women?


    I think the question should be, emotionally attracted to women. I could bang a chic if I wanted to but I ain't going to deal with women's emotional shit.
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    Jan 14, 2013 2:35 AM GMT
    My advice - find a guy first. Know what it's like to be outside of your comfort zone. Be open, and allow yourself to love this man. And then, let that love guide you to the right places that you know you belong - whether with your family or your religion. Being gay isn't about who you have sex with - it's about HOW you love. Good luck.
  • chi_rock

    Posts: 207

    Jan 14, 2013 2:35 AM GMT
    Go slow in the dating. There is no rush. Try not to make it the primary focus of your life.
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Jan 14, 2013 5:47 AM GMT
    Id also try to understand the gay community and where you see yourself in it. Take time to date and get to know men and women, figure out exactly what it is you are attracted to and deep down what you are looking for. There is no harm in doing your research before you start the experiment.
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    Jan 14, 2013 5:48 AM GMT
    A_X91 saidI think the question should be, emotionally attracted to women. I could bang a chic if I wanted to but I ain't going to deal with women's emotional shit.
    Mysoginistic douchebags to the left.
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    Jan 14, 2013 6:18 AM GMT
    McQueen said
    A_X91 saidI think the question should be, emotionally attracted to women. I could bang a chic if I wanted to but I ain't going to deal with women's emotional shit.
    Mysoginistic douchebags to the left.


    No, I love women. I just won't deal with them emotionally anymore.
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    Jan 14, 2013 7:26 AM GMT
    A_X91 said
    McQueen said
    A_X91 saidI think the question should be, emotionally attracted to women. I could bang a chic if I wanted to but I ain't going to deal with women's emotional shit.
    Mysoginistic douchebags to the left.


    No, I love women. I just won't deal with them emotionally anymore.


    Yeah. I'm like this with men.

    I can handle a woman's emotions just fine, but if you bring a dude's emotions... I'm a bit intimidated.

    Realize that there varying degrees of homosexuality/bisexuality/heterosexuality and while some individuals are attracted to a gender's physical appearance, emotional attraction exists as well, and each gender offers different things emotionally.
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    Jan 14, 2013 8:39 AM GMT
    How do you feel about the distant family? Whether or not you are trying to establish a closer relationship may or may not make the coming out situation easier.

    As for advice on dating, what sort of anxieties to expect, etc, don't ask for advice. Do what you are comfortable with, and go into situations with a completely fresh and open mind. Don't draw conclusions based on any 'general consensus' collected from the internet or friends that may skew your opinion. You are your own best way of learning - be smart about your choices, and don't be afraid to make mistakes. You'll learn.
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Jan 14, 2013 9:12 AM GMT
    do you lust after pussy? Do you crave lots of attention from women? Do you have a STRONG instinctual desire to have your own kids? Do you think about naked women a lot or naked men. (tell the truth) Would your rather bury your face in a man's butt or a woman's butt? Does fucking a guy feel right or 'weird' - leave how society thinks about anything out of the equation.

    Fact is, most straight boys are kind of arrogant and cruel and have a lot of attention from women. They love women and are straight, and they are crazy about pussy.

    Fact is, most gay boys are the opposite. They are nicer over-all but can be more bitchy at times. They do not have any romantic chemistry with women, because boys who are sensitive and empathetic already have boyfriends. (Heh) They are not that big alpha straight male dog that makes females wet you know?

    It's hard to tell the difference between bisexuality and Just Plain Scared of Being Gay due to society's prejudices. Bisexuality the safer route, 'well I'm not THAT much of a diseased freak, right? I'M STILL MANLY STRONG AND STRAIGHT WOOHOO' and we all go through that and feel that way at times.

    But still I saw a hot gay guy at the mall today and I really just wanted to make out with him he was so hot. I didn't really care that he was a typical gay guy and was emotionally sensitive and not you know, tough and mean.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Jan 14, 2013 9:21 AM GMT
    thegaymessiah saidThey are not that big alpha straight male dog that makes females wet you know?

    Wrong

    You have very narrow perception of gay men.
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    Jan 14, 2013 10:40 AM GMT
    TheBizMan said
    thegaymessiah saidThey are not that big alpha straight male dog that makes females wet you know?

    Wrong

    You have very narrow perception of gay men.


    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2013 1:23 AM GMT
    Thank you for all the constructive responses guys. I wanna sit down and read through these in more detail but for now just wanted to say thanks for those who are adding in their insights and experiences . Really wasn't expecting so many responses so quickly!
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    Jan 15, 2013 1:36 AM GMT
    I also am a devout Christian and I just want to start by saying don't think you cannot still be one because you are gay. No matter what people say to you, in they end they don't matter.

    I think you should find someone you feel comfortable with to come out to first. I did that, and that gave me strength to keep telling people, and then the last person I told was my dad. It wasnt the best by far but he started to come around.

    I just want to say that no matter what, be patient, just like you had to learn to accept and deal, so will the others who love and care about you. Sometimes anger, and sadness from others is out of concern, but don't ;et it break your spirit.

    I try to surround myself with positive people as well. People who don't feel the need to judge all the time.

    I wish you the best.
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    Jan 15, 2013 1:54 AM GMT
    Let you reveal your inner self and let your journey begin as a new you... explore, experience and learn like any straight person is doing. Let the advice comes from you since you have a story to unfold. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jan 15, 2013 4:53 AM GMT
    paulflexes - hah, simple, blunt advice but true. just not sure if I'm ready yet. Gotta find the right guy first. icon_redface.gif

    A_X91 - Yeah I think emotional attraction is the right term. To be honest i havent come across another woman whom i have that chemistry or excitement with for years now,unless i were to really try to drum it up. that is certainly something to consider though.

    huhwhat - hah, didnt think of it that way! i do get caught up on the who rather than the how,or the physical attraction rather than the emotional.

    chi_rock - this makes sense to me for my situation. i will keep this in mind. While trying to bring myself out of my comfort zone more, i guess i have been rushing myself into dating perhaps.



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    Jan 15, 2013 4:54 AM GMT
    coffeemate saidHah well not sure. I see can acknowledge some women attractive, but not sure if I am actually sexually attracted to them... If that makes sense?


    You're gay. You're welcome.
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    Jan 15, 2013 4:56 AM GMT
    A_X91 said
    Neight said
    coffeemate saidhow to tell if I am gay or bi
    Are you sexually attracted to women?


    I think the question should be, emotionally attracted to women. I could bang a chic if I wanted to but I ain't going to deal with women's emotional shit.


    Interesting, I feel that I am naturally emotionally and romantically connected with women (In a straight-like way). But, I just highly prefer to have sex with men.
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    Jan 15, 2013 4:58 AM GMT
    GregJorn said
    A_X91 said
    McQueen said
    A_X91 saidI think the question should be, emotionally attracted to women. I could bang a chic if I wanted to but I ain't going to deal with women's emotional shit.
    Mysoginistic douchebags to the left.


    No, I love women. I just won't deal with them emotionally anymore.


    Yeah. I'm like this with men.

    I can handle a woman's emotions just fine, but if you bring a dude's emotions... I'm a bit intimidated.

    Realize that there varying degrees of homosexuality/bisexuality/heterosexuality and while some individuals are attracted to a gender's physical appearance, emotional attraction exists as well, and each gender offers different things emotionally..


    tumblr_mcz7byAGgK1rod7vv.jpg
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    Jan 15, 2013 6:17 AM GMT
    tucsonguy9121 saidHow do you feel about the distant family? Whether or not you are trying to establish a closer relationship may or may not make the coming out situation easier.

    As for advice on dating, what sort of anxieties to expect, etc, don't ask for advice. Do what you are comfortable with, and go into situations with a completely fresh and open mind. Don't draw conclusions based on any 'general consensus' collected from the internet or friends that may skew your opinion. You are your own best way of learning - be smart about your choices, and don't be afraid to make mistakes. You'll learn.



    In terms of coming out to the distant family, I'm actually not quite sure why I haven't come out to them. Perhaps it is the commitment part of it all.

    Tell me, did you feel more comfortable with your identity after coming out to your parents, or was that something that happened before?

    (I'm just a questioning kind of guy I guess) icon_wink.gif
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    Jan 15, 2013 6:23 AM GMT
    coffeemate said

    In terms of coming out to the distant family, I'm actually not quite sure why I haven't come out to them. Perhaps it is the commitment part of it all.

    Tell me, did you feel more comfortable with your identity after coming out to your parents, or was that something that happened before?

    (I'm just a questioning kind of guy I guess) icon_wink.gif


    I'm not sure if I understand what you mean by the "commitment part of it all." I felt comfortable about my identity before I told my family, but I felt more comfortable around my family after I came out - no secrets had to be kept or anything like that. Everyone handled the situation well. I didn't think of any commitment, it is my life and I am who I am, so I wasn't going to keep it under wraps forever. icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 15, 2013 6:32 AM GMT
    JamieJfromtheA saidI also am a devout Christian and I just want to start by saying don't think you cannot still be one because you are gay. No matter what people say to you, in they end they don't matter.

    I think you should find someone you feel comfortable with to come out to first. I did that, and that gave me strength to keep telling people, and then the last person I told was my dad. It wasnt the best by far but he started to come around.

    I just want to say that no matter what, be patient, just like you had to learn to accept and deal, so will the others who love and care about you. Sometimes anger, and sadness from others is out of concern, but don't ;et it break your spirit.

    I try to surround myself with positive people as well. People who don't feel the need to judge all the time.

    I wish you the best.



    JamieJfromtheA, thanks for the words of encouragement. I have told my close circle of friends, and have slowly been forcing myself to tell other friends and aquaintences when it feels right.

    As for me and religion, or me and God - that's a whole other story unfortunately. Isn't it always tho? icon_neutral.gif