Sex Not Really Happening

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2008 1:56 PM GMT
    First of all, guys, let me say how helpful and enjoyable I've found these discussion boards. You're a remarkably fine group of guys.

    My dilemma:

    I've been going out with a guy for almost a year now. We're both middle aged (he's 40; I'm 45). We love hanging out, watching HBO series on DVD, hiking, fishing, eating out, drinking wine. I'm a divorced dad and my friend (let's call him Andy) and my 10 year old son adore each other.

    There's no question in my mind (and apparently none in Andy's) that we've fallen quite deeply in love with each other. Neither is there any question that we love being with each other.

    Our relationship got off to kind of an unusual start. We were both rebounding from long term relationships and so agreed that sex was off the menu 'for a while'. I think then we realized that we're really into each other and had the classic 'I don't want sex to mess this up' dynamic. That went on for six months - during which time I was celibate and he hooked up with one (maybe two, I forget) one night stands.

    By the middle of this summer it was obvious that we were both lusting after each other. One night a couple of months ago - after I had had a kind of harrowing day - we found ourselves in a really hot make out session and I just went for it and invited Andy to join me in my bedroom.

    Things got off to a great start. Then everything just stopped. Right in the middle of some pretty good oral we just cuddled up and slept.

    The next day we talked about it and decided to start off a little slower. Over the following week and a half or so we had some high-school level super hot, make out, hands down jean sessions. Never going further and leaving each other harder than Chinese algebra.

    Since then we've had a couple of great sessions of HJ's and BJ's that have led to rocking orgasms.

    Then about a week ago we were in the midst of another of those, when we both just stopped again.

    The saving grace here is that Andy I seem to be able to talk to each other about UNDERLINE TEXT GOES HERE

    anythingUNDERLINE TEXT GOES HERE. Our thoughts (seconded by a therapist I see for other stuff) are that the emotional bond we share is making sex feel super risky. In other words, we're so invested in the relationship and so used to the idea that sex can mess things up, that the sex is, at least for now, kind of sabotaged.

    Other ideas are: that we're just not into each other (I don't buy it). when i see I Andy, I want to devour him and I can't even begin the kind of fantasies that would usu take off when I see other guys at the gym, etc.

    Maybe he's not into me, but he denies that and I believe him.

    One last thing: we've both been with other guys before we met each other. Me with a handful; Andy with a bunch and nothing like this seems to have happened (rather not happened) before. But then I don't think either of us felt for the other guys what we feel for each other.

    Any thoughts you guys have would be very welcome. Apologies for the long post, but I wanted you to have some idea of what's been going on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2008 3:44 PM GMT
    You know how sex can mess up a relationship?

    By not having sex you can ruin a wonderful thing.

    It has been a year, and you guys have taken it slowly and you have taken baby steps: starting out with making out, groping, then on to mutual masturbation and oral sex. That is prudent, but don't remain prudes. You have to talk to him about this. Why aren't we having sex? How do you like to have sex? How often do you like to have sex?

    If you haven't, you need to make your expectations known, figure out what his are, and find an agreeable compromise.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2008 10:51 PM GMT
    MunchingZombie saidYou know how sex can mess up a relationship?

    By not having sex you can ruin a wonderful thing.

    It has been a year, and you guys have taken it slowly and you have taken baby steps: starting out with making out, groping, then on to mutual masturbation and oral sex. That is prudent, but don't remain prudes. You have to talk to him about this. Why aren't we having sex? How do you like to have sex? How often do you like to have sex?

    If you haven't, you need to make your expectations known, figure out what his are, and find an agreeable compromise.


    I agree with Munching. It is refreshing that you guys have taken it slow in the sex department but a year without it is a bit too long. Why do you suddenly stop? Does it just happen or one of you just let it go?

    I say next time you're in action just keep going..don't stop to talk about it, just do it. Don't go in with the mindset of...ok..we're going to have a great hj or bj session and then we're going to cuddle..get the lube out, put it on the night stand..at some point take the lube and lube your or his (depending on who is the bottom) you know what (I don't want to use the H word here)..put a condom on and go for it....One thing that works for me is if I am topping, I let the guy sit on top of me while I am giving him a bj and tell him to sit on me...play with his H and magic happens...then again, I am the aggressive type in bed...

    Hope this helps..
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 25, 2008 7:38 AM GMT
    Well your therapist has nailed it on the head

    You're making sex super risky and by design making it into the 800 pound gorilla in the room

    What I find funny is that you're a participant or at least half of what goes on in the bedroom and yet you describe it as someone who is merely and observer

    If you want there to be sex ... then bloody well have Sex icon_wink.gif
    It doesn't have to stop when he cuddles up next to you
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2008 11:08 AM GMT
    Just do it if you feel like it. Sex is only as complicated as you make it.