Feedback On My Cover Letter? Please


  • Jan 14, 2013 12:19 AM GMT
    Hi... I am a die-hard apple fanatic, and proud member of this cult. I am applying for a position I feel I am perfect for. This is just a rough draft, it is grammaticly rough, but before I start editing that portion I was wanting feedback on the style and context of it.
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    Apple Inc. and iOS, they consume all aspects of my life, and locally people know me as, “The iPhone Boy.” I even have a little pug named Siri. The position of Carrier Sales Trainer is of keen interest to myself. I was bit by the Apple bug in 2004, and since that time the, I have come to embrace and embody the ideals and image that Apple represents. I am not just a fanboy, but a true believer in the Apple Inc. brand. For years I have dreamed of working for Apple, but growing up and going to college in Middle Georgia, never allowed for this. Life has finally delivered me into the big city, and I am pursuing my passion.

    In terms of qualifications, I firmly believe I excel in all of the areas listed. I am still finishing my Bachelors degree in Information Technologies, however my experience and track record make up for the lack of one. As an individual, I have a always distinguished myself in all walks of life. I possess an innate ability to conceptualize an idea and through a continual process of refinement see it brought to fruition. I am highly organized, I thrive in structure and in chaos, and have an intimate understanding of the relationship that exists between technology and it’s integration into our lives. I hold a high regard for logic and reason, I am highly analytical, and when issues arise they are swiftly dealt with.

    I have found much success over the years, and my first company, Scoop D’Poo, is a testament to this. At 17, I took a high school project, and turned it into a full scale enterprise by the time I was 20. It even was featured in the WSJ, Atlanta-Journal and Constitution, Southern Voice, etc. I thought I wanted to go into the medical field, so in 2010 I started nursing school, but after 2 1/2 years I realized my heart wasn’t in it. I withdrew in spring of 2012, and came down to South Florida for a break. I ended up loving and thriving here, so I decided to stay.

    I began to then formalize my current company, OhNo! iBroke LLC, which has existed as a sole proprietorship since 2009. Over the course of 6 months, I continually refined the concept until I felt it was ready to deliver to the world. Mobile iPhone and iPad repair is our niche service, however I have expanded the into other service areas as well. Mac OS X and iOS IT consulting for individuals and small enterprises is now one of the main services offered, especially for companies transiting from PC based systems.

    Southern Hospitality and small town values is how I was raised, and in business it instills an undying committment to your customers. I live my life and operate my business on these very principles. I combine these principles with my passion for Apple, and it has allowed me deliver an unparalled experience int the area of customer service.

    I listen to the needs and concerns of every customers, and with my established knowledge of Apple products, I tailor my services to their exact needs. Matching the client with the ideal computer, iOS device, accessories, and then setting up their network. I train each client and small enterprise on how to effectively utilize their devices to their fullest potential. I have been told by my customers that I have a true passion for iOS products, and they see this in my work.

    After much debate and discussion, I have finally decided to pursue a career with Apple. I am aware that operating my company would be considered a conflict of interest, but I would be more then happy to cease operations, to have the opportunity to finally work for Apple Inc. I have always sought this, and one day I wish to grace the walls of your Headquarters in Cupertino, California, especially when the new one is finished. I already live my life by Apple standards, I run my business by following Apple’s ideals, and wake up each day and say to myself, “ Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish.”

    Sincerely,
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    Jan 14, 2013 12:54 AM GMT
    I never have the time to read more than the first two paragraphs of an applicants letter, probably less if its boring.
    You need some serious editing.
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    Jan 14, 2013 12:57 AM GMT
    Holy crap. That's too long. Your resume should detail your experience and education. The cover letter is a brief introduction, not an autobiography.
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    Jan 14, 2013 12:58 AM GMT
    tl; dr
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    Jan 14, 2013 1:01 AM GMT
    A non-starter.

    "...and one day I wish to grace the walls of your Headquarters in Cupertino, California, especially when the new one is finished."

    You're applying for a job as a wall hanging? Are you sure you'll like this new wall when it's finished?

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    Jan 14, 2013 1:04 AM GMT
    Cut it down to at least two paragraphs. Cover letters should be one page at most.
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    Jan 14, 2013 1:11 AM GMT
    Baalsabo saidCut it down to at least two paragraphs. Cover letters should be one page at most.

    Correct, and the attached resume is bulletized to match the key elements of the job opening's description. With buzz words prominent, along with action verbs, to cause maximum hits with the OCR scanning software. You don't think a human is gonna initially screen this at the world's largest corporation, do you?
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    Jan 14, 2013 1:12 AM GMT
    Proof-reading is a good idea!