Why you should always log out of Facebook.My Mistake.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 5:19 AM GMT
    I just came back from a date, which would be the only date I'll ever have with him.

    The date goes pretty well. Coffee in the afternoon, stroll around the city and back to his place for some unwinding. By unwinding obviously means he sleeps with me. We spend time cuddling and then load a movie on the laptop. Before we watch , he steps out to grab some snacks and says to go ahead and check my Facebook if I need to. Turns out he was logged onto Facebook. I decided to quickly type in my name and add myself so I can accept him on when I log in.

    I've never snooped someone else Facebook but curiosity got the better of me to check his inbox(Not proud of it but I did). Needless to say he had been conversing with several people. Some were his prior guys he's dated and some were his friends. His conversation with his friends is what took notice. In it he discussed about the line up of dates, the most recent is the one with mine which he's currently on.
    When you're single and dating, it is not surprising that this kind of topic is talked about with friends. What did bother me was that he called me a foreigner and in quote "wtf kinda name is that."

    As a single man, I am realistic about what dating is for the gay folks. People who know me on RJ don't usually see me write topics on the Dating/Relationship section. This is not meant as a boast, more so I am just pragmatic about the outcomes; to know that guy wants tail and will do his best to charm the pants off. Perhaps I am a easy lay, but l enjoy having sex . So if the date goes well and he's cute, yes he can bang me. I don't expect anything more . I.E , if he really likes me and will text me soon.

    However dissing my given name is a major foul.Plus I am much of Canadian citizen for over two decades to be regarded as a 'foreigner'. Such disrespect only validates my reasons that most gay men are unable to form relationships because of bias. Yes he thinks of me as very attractive. He finds me knowledgeable. But the message he made to his friend prior to the date is that I am foreigner with an odd name but good for a bang.

    I removed his Facebook add off his list,deleted an inbox msg towards me and signed off.

    He returns with snacks, we cuddle and watch the movie (Gentlemen Prefer Blondes). After that we step out for dinner and part ways while all the time pretending to be oblivious to what he thinks of my name.

    In summary and caution for the guys who just want cock and tail.
    Make damn well sure that your Facebook is logged off. Some men will call you out on it, while others like me will continue on with the charade. The reason being that why ruin the night out. It was good company but on the next day onwards, focus on your own priorities. Leave a kind message and thank him for the date. If he wants to, he will contact you. Just focus back to your own life.



    Edit:
    Guys I already admitted my guilt for checking his fb messages and I won't do such thing again. So please refrain from telling me that my name must be stupid. Thanks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 5:32 AM GMT
    I will start by mentioning that your behavior was completely unacceptable.
    People have secret gardens that are fundamental to their well being and to their relationships to others, and breaching in voluntarily is a serious lack of respect and speaks clearly about your self-esteem.

    Besides that, I think you are overreacting a little.
    I joke around constantly with close friends about appearance, behavior and many other things concerning other individuals without believing a word of it all, and actually I'm sure we all do it. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, or simply a way to ease the atmosphere or something, but in reality, that guy probably does not give a snip about the origins of your name. If it's not innocent, then you'll probably notice it soon enough anyway ;)
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Jan 14, 2013 6:43 AM GMT
    "curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back."

    generally the thing to do with facebook if someone else is already logged in is to just simply log them out and do whatever you were going to do.

    if this is about who's right and who's wrong... both Fivealive and date guy (let's call him Jim) are losing.

    the main problem is knowing what "the rules" are.

    Fivealive looked at private information, while Jim insulted him (not at the same time). And now Fivealive doesn't want to play with Jim any more.

    20 years is a long time. And being made fun of about something you care about hurts.

    If it's something that you care about, fight for it. It's the same reason some people can't date someone who doesn't "get it" about one of their passions.

    _____________________________________________________________
    Hell I know I've been mentally rejected by a guy(we'll call him Tay) for my gaming habits (a mutual friend informed me during a dinner conversation). Am I mad about it, yes, but does that make it any more likely that there's a chance of a relationship with Tay? No, because I still play games, and until I don't, I'm not worthwhile in Tay's mind.

    Is Tay missing out? Maybe. However this is all part of the dating game.

    I know that I play games from having my best friend move away almost every grade of elementary school. The only constant for me was video games. Other kids in my class would say I'm just making up names if I was to say any of the friends I had in other cities. It Hurts.

    ____________________________________________________________

    sidenote: at family gatherings there's a section of my family that keep calling me the name of my Cousin instead of by my actual name. The two of us are quite different and it pisses me off to be called his name instead of mine (it's been done by them for all of my life so far as well). generally when this happens I end the conversation and walk out of the room and avoid conversation with that family member for 5~10 minutes unless they apologize.
    ____________________________________________________________

    TLDR: While Fivealive may be being petty about this guy who he went on a date with for poking fun about 5's name with an online friend before even meeting 5... that's ok, because we all do it, and it's important to stand up for what you believe in. Kudos for continuing the date as if nothing happened, it's not easy to carry on some guises.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    Jan 14, 2013 1:10 PM GMT
    one, what you did was creepy and unjustified.
    two, after learning what you did you still stayed and cuddled and whatnot? it's hard to take you seriously about being offended when you just lie there and take it. if you're going to snoop, at least have a backbone and not put up with the shit you find.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 1:22 PM GMT
    oh man, you fucked it up pretty much icon_biggrin.gif why have you stayed with him in the bed when you found out about the "name-problem"?

    you are overreacting, sorry for telling you the truth, but hey, we all do it sometimes
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 1:26 PM GMT
    You had a good time. Are you honestly gonna fuck someone off because he was making jokes about your name and calling you a foreigner? He obviously meant nothing of it and was just having a bit of a laugh. People give sarcastic and meaningless descriptions or nicknames prior to meeting or knowing someone all the time.
    Also, don't see why him talking to other guys or going on other dates is a problem. You guys aren't dating, he's allowed to play the field without needing justification.
    Straight up, you're uptight and nosy, can't imagine the shit people would have to put up with if they were dating you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 1:47 PM GMT
    calibro saidone, what you did was creepy and unjustified.
    two, after learning what you did you still stayed and cuddled and whatnot? it's hard to take you seriously about being offended when you just lie there and take it. if you're going to snoop, at least have a backbone and not put up with the shit you find.


    This. When you creep, you automatically become creepy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 2:01 PM GMT
    Fivealive said


    I'm a loser.

    In summary and caution for the guys who just want cock and tail.
    Make damn well sure that your Facebook is logged off. Some men will call you out on it, while others like me will continue on with the charade. The reason being that why ruin the night out. It was good company but on the next day onwards, focus on your own priorities. Leave a kind message and thank him for the date. If he wants to, he will contact you. Just focus back to your own life.



    Yes, you are a loser.

    After your horrible post, you dare to offer advice to the readers? And the advice is to focus on our own priorities? Had you taken your own advice and focused on your own life, not your trick's life, then you wouldn't be in the position you're in now.
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    Jan 14, 2013 2:04 PM GMT
    Maybe a lesson for the future?
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 14, 2013 2:05 PM GMT
    What were you doing even thinking of Facebook while on a date?
    I'm on there quite frequently, but I certainly wouldn't even think of it if I were on a date with someone I was into....

    And if wanted to take a "Facebook break", I'd view it like a "texting break" or worse.... definitely a yellow flag....

    Now, I know you and you're an awesome guy.. just a little surprised!

    icon_mad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 2:15 PM GMT
    Losing the hot list status, and see you around.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 2:26 PM GMT
    Yikes and ouch. Five made a mistake and........(shocker coming) people make mistakes!

    Now Fivealive has a nice history here and has been upfront and sharing for as long as I can remember him on RJ. He's a nice fellow. So....

    Five, you shouldn't have looked (Pandora's box) and you likely closed the box before Hope could get out (the email he sent you that you never looked at but deleted when you removed him).
    What the guy said about you and your name was tacky, but that was like looking at his diary.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 2:41 PM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidWhat were you doing even thinking of Facebook while on a date?
    I'm on there quite frequently, but I certainly wouldn't even think of it if I were on a date with someone I was into....

    And if wanted to take a "Facebook break", I'd view it like a "texting break" or worse.... definitely a yellow flag....

    Now, I know you and you're an awesome guy.. just a little surprised!

    icon_mad.gif


    +1

    I never let anyone use my computer. My partner and I have separate ones. I would never ask to use another's computer, either. To me it's like sneaking a peek in someone's "sock" drawer. lol What's on a computer (phone) is private and personal.

    He was kind enough to let you use his computer to check your Facebook.

    What you did was wrong, but I can understand how the curiosity could lure you in. We all make mistakes, so I can't really judge you for that. But, I do agree with Chris. Why the heck would even be thinking of Facebook while on a date?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 2:53 PM GMT
    So...let me get this straight. I should always log out of facebook because my date, whom I invited to get on Facebook, takes it as an excuse to rummage around and look at my private messages?

    I suppose my options are 2-folded here, I can log out of facebook or not date people like that.

    Seriously, dont date him again, do him the favor; he deserves much better than you.
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    Jan 14, 2013 3:07 PM GMT
    Rita saidI will start by mentioning that your behavior was completely unacceptable.
    People have secret gardens that are fundamental to their well being and to their relationships to others, and breaching in voluntarily is a serious lack of respect and speaks clearly about your self-esteem.


    Mostly this.

    You had no right to violate his privacy the way you did, much less add yourself from his Facebook. The instant your insecurity and lack of trust became the validation you needed to check his Facebook, that relationship was as good as over. Unless he's the kind of guy who doesn't mind you having the password to all of his stuff.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 3:16 PM GMT
    Five, I think you're awesome, always have. That said, I would not have snooped. While folks differ on their concerns about privacy, I've been with my bf for 26 years and even we do NOT share access to each others' emails, texts, Facebook, etc. Snooping during a first date, no matter how well it was going, was bound to end poorly. You shouldn't have done it.

    That said, if this was an early indicator that, for example, he didn't respect you as a person but saw you only as a sex object, that's a perfectly acceptable reason not to date him. As is his taking a "Facebook break" from your date. His loss, most definitely.

    But you did cross a boundary you shouldn't have. It wasn't his fault for leaving Facebook logged in. You shouldn't have looked at his messages.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 3:30 PM GMT
    Everyone makes silly and occasionally disastrous mistakes in all regards.

    OP: Like many here, I feel that you (unfortunately) made several.

    It's a shame you erased what he was going to send you. We know nothing of this guy (really) but perhaps it was a sweet complement - the likes of which you've never had before... maybe even something to the effect of: When we first met I thought your name a bit odd - even silly - but now that I know you better it accentuates you're sweet individuality. Hope we get to know each other better.

    Maybe not... but this is why they call this 'dating'. A shame - but I hope you've both learned something here. Learn from this and move on.

    No more snooping, silly guy. When we do we're entitled to get exactly what we desserve. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 3:33 PM GMT
    Why o why would you go peeping in somebody's Facebook and tell us all about it?

    Unless this is a confession....is it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 3:33 PM GMT
    Related Topic: Don't "friend" someone on Facebook when you're just starting to date them. Can be a major no-no. I learned this the hard way. Smarter, am I, now. icon_cool.gif
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    Jan 14, 2013 4:21 PM GMT
    Thanks guys for the input.

    I know what I did was wrong. For the guys who know me on here, sorry to for this disappointment. I probably am being a tad over dramatic but at least for me, I don't make fun of any dates, whether it is their name or otherwise.
    The only folly I made was to check his private messages. Oh and the guy who said I have no backbone. I did say that I didn't want to spoil my mood and ruin a perfectly good evening.

    Funny enough, he texted me earlier in the morning that he was so glad to have met me and wants to meet up soon.

    So once again I made an error in judgement. I only said to turn off your facebook is because I TOO fell prey to snoop. Was unbecoming of me.


    I wrote this post because I learn a lot from other people's views. So even if my post is heinous I still learn from it.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 4:28 PM GMT
    We all make private jokes between friends. They're often meaningless. Going through someone's personal inbox and a practical stranger no less, says volumes about you.
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    Jan 14, 2013 4:36 PM GMT


    "Funny enough, he texted me earlier in the morning that he was so glad to have met me and wants to meet up soon."

    Then do so, having learned something valuable here. icon_wink.gif

    warmly,

    -Doug and Bill
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    Jan 14, 2013 4:36 PM GMT
    I'm pretty vanilla and there are no tantalizing secrets to be found when checking me out, but I have to say - if some guy (especially a first time date) was pawing through my social or financial accounts behind my back - I wouldn't be one bit happy about it. Even in my own long term (very good) relationship, neither of us ever paw through the other guy's computer or accounts. Respect and trust.
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    Jan 14, 2013 4:40 PM GMT
    Ha. I don't mean to but I have to almost chuckle.

    If you go looking for it, you'll find it. That's been my experience. It's a bummer...hopefully you weren't too invested in him?
    edit: Didn't realize he had asked you out again. Great! Time to move on from a mistake. You're not a horrible person, and life continues.

    It's a bummer- can't wait to go back and reread everyone's responses, just because everyone feels so differently about this icon_smile.gif

    Oh... and dudes... if you're doing it, ALWAYS lock your Facebooks. Because people can smell it a mile away and will look at the first opportunity icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 14, 2013 4:42 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidI'm pretty vanilla and there are no tantalizing secrets to be found when checking me out, but I have to say - if some guy (especially a first time date) was pawing through my social or financial accounts behind my back - I wouldn't be one bit happy about it. Even in my own long term (very good) relationship, neither of us ever paw through the other guy's computer or accounts. Respect and trust.


    I'll admit I am wondering about a guy who, on the first date, logs into facebook, stays logged in and then lets someone he doesn't know at all have access to his logged in profile while he goes out.