Being Honest vs. Being Confrontational

  • sollasollewmn

    Posts: 9

    Jan 14, 2013 11:52 PM GMT
    So a friend who's quite attractive but hasn't had much luck on dating sites asked me to look at his profile and make suggestions on how to improve it. I pointed out that maybe he could smile in a few more photos (he had many pix where he was scowling and one smiling pic that looked like more of a grimace). I also talked about his "About Me" section. I tried to be very diplomatic and I said that it could be intepreted as "confrontational."

    His language was very "Don't bother contacting me if you don't meet the following criteria..." and "I'm sick of guys that..." I suggested that maybe he could soften some of the verbiage. (For example: replace "Don't bother contacting me if..." with "I prefer...")

    He got very upset and insisted that he was just being HONEST. And while I agree that honesty is important, I think discretion and tact are valuable tools too. I don't think there's anything wrong with, say, only being attracted to extremely built muscle guys, but it is more effective to say, "Stay away if you're skinny" or "Only attracted to muscle"?

    Your thoughts? Are you more likely to respond to an ad that's blunt (read: honest) or one that's tactful (yet truthful)? Can you be truthful without sounding negative? (I think that was my main concern: the profile was full of negatives--don'ts, can'ts, etc.)
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    Jan 14, 2013 11:57 PM GMT
    Well, I know people tend to keep an unofficial, mental list of certain qualities and characteristics they like to see in a potential partner/friend/acquaintance. On the one hand, some feel they're entitled to exactly what they want and won't settle for anything less. However, you have to realize that being so selective does result in slim pickings, which will probably lead to scrutiny and excuses to find faults anyway. No one will never be good enough if you think of it that way.

    Personally, I prefer to keep an open mind to all the possibilities. While I know I'm attracted to certain qualities, all the time I come across guys who attract me in different ways. You just never know what you might stumble upon, and it would suck to miss out on that chance.
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    Jan 15, 2013 12:07 AM GMT
    Well you were being honest with him and guess he wasn't none to keen what he had to hear. We all have our types and yes tact is important. If a guy states, he wants a masculine, muscle man...I move on. Sure he may look good to at but ask your friend whats important, dating solely to look good together or chemistry. *hint* Chemistry makes every couple look not good, but great!!

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    Jan 15, 2013 12:16 AM GMT
    I believe I've seen statistics showing that profiles with smiles are considered less attractive. Also, some of us just look fucking goofy when we try to smile.

    I generally agree with your other points. However, I concede the possibility that there may be some people who are so insanely attractive that they must be brusque, in order to cut down their response rate to a manageable 20 to 40 proposals per day.

    Quite a few times, I have been contacted by someone. Yet when I glance through their profile, I see that I clearly fall into multiple tiers of their "do-not-contact-me-if" categories. These are very strange conversations. I constantly wonder why this person is talking to me. Usually, it ends awkwardly.
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    Jan 15, 2013 12:26 AM GMT
    Some people treat being honest about their opinions or points of view as something noble, when they really use it as a licence to be bitchy.
    Your friend seems to be in this camp.

    No. The profiles that are upbeat and positive get more traction. That's why dating profiles usually include things like passions, favorite movies, favorite foods, not a list of gripes and things you hate.
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    Jan 15, 2013 12:31 AM GMT
    Macaque saidThe profiles that are upbeat and positive get more traction. That's why dating profiles usually include things like passions, favorite movies, favorite foods, not a list of gripes and things you hate.
    tumblr_inline_mf7xv0b2zG1ry4qim.gif
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Jan 15, 2013 12:33 AM GMT
    you get more flies with honey than vinegar

    but you're still getting flies, so....
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    Jan 15, 2013 2:54 AM GMT
    sollasollewmn saidSo a friend who's quite attractive but hasn't had much luck on dating sites asked me to look at his profile and make suggestions on how to improve it.
    And you still didn't have sex with him, even after the obvious come-on.

    Fail.
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    Jan 15, 2013 3:02 AM GMT
    Was it his OkCupid profile?

    I find it very enchanting when a guy says "im sick of XYZ" and a also love a laundry list of dos and donts. That way I know what to do and not to do around this amazing man.
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    Jan 15, 2013 3:13 AM GMT
    #HotGuyProblems icon_rolleyes.gificon_lol.gif
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    Jan 15, 2013 3:24 AM GMT
    sollasollewmn saidSo a friend who's quite attractive but hasn't had much luck on dating sites asked me to look at his profile and make suggestions on how to improve it. I pointed out that maybe he could smile in a few more photos (he had many pix where he was scowling and one smiling pic that looked like more of a grimace). I also talked about his "About Me" section. I tried to be very diplomatic and I said that it could be intepreted as "confrontational."

    His language was very "Don't bother contacting me if you don't meet the following criteria..." and "I'm sick of guys that..." I suggested that maybe he could soften some of the verbiage. (For example: replace "Don't bother contacting me if..." with "I prefer...")

    He got very upset and insisted that he was just being HONEST. And while I agree that honesty is important, I think discretion and tact are valuable tools too. I don't think there's anything wrong with, say, only being attracted to extremely built muscle guys, but it is more effective to say, "Stay away if you're skinny" or "Only attracted to muscle"?

    Your thoughts? Are you more likely to respond to an ad that's blunt (read: honest) or one that's tactful (yet truthful)? Can you be truthful without sounding negative? (I think that was my main concern: the profile was full of negatives--don'ts, can'ts, etc.)


    When someone has stuff on there profile like that, it seems kind of shallow and superficial and even the guys who may feel the same may be turned off by the way it was said.

    It's often not about what you say but how you say it.

    I only like muscular, built guys, no fattties, no blacks, must be masculine. No queens or fems, no ...

    you see, that can be changed to something like.

    " I tend to like the more masculine guys with muscles or guys similar to me"

    There is a difference but kind of says the same thing in a sense.

    Just my opinion.
  • Import

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    Jan 15, 2013 3:24 AM GMT
    xrichx said#HotGuyProblems icon_rolleyes.gificon_lol.gif

    #guyswithbigdicksproblems
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    Jan 15, 2013 3:53 AM GMT
    sollasollewmn saidHe got very upset and insisted that he was just being HONEST. And while I agree that honesty is important, I think discretion and tact are valuable tools too...

    Your thoughts? Are you more likely to respond to an ad that's blunt (read: honest) or one that's tactful (yet truthful)? Can you be truthful without sounding negative?)


    So, he's honest (about others) and sensitive (about himself)...all in one fell swoop? Direct him to your dating profile that mentions something like, "Mostly interested in men who can take as well as they dish, i.e., no hypocritical pussies." And then ask him for advice about it.
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    Jan 15, 2013 3:55 AM GMT
    Import said
    xrichx said#HotGuyProblems icon_rolleyes.gificon_lol.gif

    #guyswithbigdicksproblems
    Two problems you have no experience with. icon_twisted.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2013 3:55 AM GMT
    "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie.

    A must read for any person who has to relate to people in any aspect of life.

    Nobody else would need to bother reading that book.
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    Jan 15, 2013 3:57 AM GMT
    nicodegallo saidWell, I know people tend to keep an unofficial, mental list of certain qualities and characteristics they like to see in a potential partner/friend/acquaintance. On the one hand, some feel they're entitled to exactly what they want and won't settle for anything less. However, you have to realize that being so selective does result in slim pickings, which will probably lead to scrutiny and excuses to find faults anyway. No one will never be good enough if you think of it that way.

    Personally, I prefer to keep an open mind to all the possibilities. While I know I'm attracted to certain qualities, all the time I come across guys who attract me in different ways. You just never know what you might stumble upon, and it would suck to miss out on that chance.


    Very true! I know someone who is single for 3.5 years and find faults in everyone he meets! I accept for the who he is, and wished things were different for him.