Coming Out

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2008 8:58 PM GMT
    Hey guys, I'll cut out the rhetoric and banter and get right to the point...

    I have come to terms with the way I am. I have accepted it and am now in the hunt for a boyfriend. The problem...my roomates and friends. Texas, as many of you know, is as red as our nation's finances. I'm scared to tell them the truth, but it is becoming ever harder to cover up my homo lifestyle. My friends consistantly ask me to go out to the clubs with them and when I go, they can't understand why I come home alone. My parents think being gay is the arch sin and sticking a knife in their heart would be less painful. So my question is, what do I do? The time is now to come out, but I'm scared... I have no idea what it's like to be wanted by somebody. I want and need love and it's high time I find it! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2008 10:25 PM GMT
    Give your straight friends the benefit of the doubt - not only were mine OK with me, but they've discovered drink specials at the gay bars and ask me to take them there for 50 cent beer night!

    Telling Mom & Dad? Ever considered you never need to tell them? It's YOUR life. I may never tell mine.
  • germanguy888

    Posts: 208

    Sep 24, 2008 10:46 PM GMT
    i've never had a negative reaction from a friend (if they are your true friend they wont care but it may take them some "getting used to" as my best friend put it). then again i live in New Jersey and go to school in Delaware (two states who tend to be more liberal) so it might be compleatly different down there. and yea i'm not planning on telling my parents and family for a LONG LONG time if ever.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2008 10:52 PM GMT
    If coming out where you are is too stressful, you are able to edit the list of people to whom you come out! Your business is yours, and no ones' else's.
    Coming out does not obligate you to inform everyone. It is a state of mind, and you have complete governing of the list of people to come out to.
    Don't stress about not telling everybody! You can still answer honestly the question, "Are you gay?" It's not a witch hunt!
    Your friends will know in time, any way! They would not be friends if they stopped being friendly when you'd come out to them.
    People other than friends do not have to know unless you are asked.
    I suggest starting simply as you feel comfortable telling.
    Of course, it's not needed in a gay bar!


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2008 10:56 PM GMT
    I thought about just throwing a party at my place and invite everybody I know. Once everybody has had a couple drinks, have a guy I may be seeing come up to me and then make out with him in front of everybody. That way I never had to say a word and it gets the point across clearly. HA HA.
  • SeanTRNJ

    Posts: 46

    Sep 24, 2008 10:56 PM GMT
    I'm completely "out" and also in NJ... my friends and co-workers were all fine with it... as was most of my family... but my father did not take it well at all.
    Being open with the rest of the world at large with your wants/needs can be risky and scary... but in the long run if you keep forcing yourself to be on guard and hide things about yourself in certain social circles it can start to be detrimental to your normally sunny dispositionicon_razz.gif. Up until I outed myself, I was a right horrible prick to just about everyone for a few months because I had just reached my limits when it came to keeping my mouth shut and putting on a happy face. Needless to say, within a few weeks my mood improved drastically and everyone understood where all the angst had been coming from.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 24, 2008 11:09 PM GMT
    gayblaketx saidI thought about just throwing a party at my place and invite everybody I know. Once everybody has had a couple drinks, have a guy I may be seeing come up to me and then make out with him in front of everybody. That way I never had to say a word and it gets the point across clearly. HA HA.


    my friend jms84's parents offered to throw him a "gay mitzvah"...
  • SeanTRNJ

    Posts: 46

    Sep 24, 2008 11:30 PM GMT
    COJock1974 said
    gayblaketx saidI thought about just throwing a party at my place and invite everybody I know. Once everybody has had a couple drinks, have a guy I may be seeing come up to me and then make out with him in front of everybody. That way I never had to say a word and it gets the point across clearly. HA HA.


    my friend jms84's parents offered to throw him a "gay mitzvah"...


    icon_question.gif Are his parents Adopting? icon_question.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2008 12:00 AM GMT
    Is it me or do some of you think your parents already knew ?

    Some of my friends know and some of my coworkers suspect. Some can't figure it out. I am told by both sexes that I am hot. My straight friends can't understand why I am not in a steady hetro relationship.

    Growing up Southern Baptist my sexual orientation is not open for discussion. Kinda like the "Don't ask, dont tell". So there probably won't be a party.

    I just let those who don't already know and don't need to know keep wondering. icon_lol.gif

    When you do get in a relationship and start spending lots of time with him some will probably figure it out. Don't stress over it. You don't need to make an annoncement, just let it happen.
  • ASH557

    Posts: 112

    Sep 25, 2008 12:06 AM GMT
    They don't call it "Closet Station" for nothin'.

    But I'm one to talk.

    x
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2008 1:20 AM GMT
    gayblake welcome. if you fear physical or financial consequences don't do it. if not, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. or you can always play the sweet guy who doesn't goto the clubs to hook up and wants a girl for a real relationship. i did that for many years before coming out to avoid questioning.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2008 1:27 AM GMT
    Dont worry about your friends. They may have an idea. Plus if there really your friends they will love you regardless. I came out to my friends first and found it a hell of a lot easier than telling my family first (only my twin know's).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2008 1:31 AM GMT
    as long as you're financially independent of your parents, don't worry too much about them. they should have the right to know their son, but on their son's terms. as for your friends - if they don't like you as gay, they don't like you as you. be yourself, but be sure now is actually the time. once you come out, no regrets.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2008 1:43 AM GMT
    I found my friends and most of my family were better friends than I ever knew. My coming out didn't happen on my own terms, which sucked, but it's overall been a positive experience. The person it's been toughest on is my mom, but I think over time it'll prove to be good for our relationship.

    No matter what, life goes on. Best of luck to you, bud-
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2008 1:49 AM GMT
    I certainly appreciate the advice! Still very nervous. It's just not an easy thing to do. Sure glad I have found some "friends" (you guys) to lead me in the right direction. I'm still very new to the lifestyle. I guess my nervousness is indicative of me not being completely comfortable with the way things are....thanks again, dudes!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2008 1:52 AM GMT
    The best piece of advice I heeded when coming out was -- "start with a sure success." Tell that friend who you know will embrace your being gay without blinking (maybe they have a gay sib or other friends that are gay). That first victory will make the next one easier and so on.

    I think you'll find (I did) that you need to tell the friends you want to hear it from YOU personally very early on. Cause let's face it, being gay is good gossip among friends and there is a tipping point and eventually you're going to tell someone who says, "Yeah, so-and-so already told me." Once you start and get on a roll, go with it.

    Lastly, save your parents for when your really comfortable with "the speech," so your able to reassure them. I told my parents before I told my sisters and it should have been the other way around. My sisters (who weren't phased in the least) could have helped me ease my parents (who were just OK with it) through the whole process.

    It might not seem like it but you're already through the toughest part -- accepting being gay.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Sep 25, 2008 2:13 AM GMT
    Does that say ATM weather, I was a Penn Stater in meteo!

    No good advice from me, in Maryland- have never had a bad reaction, my parents nickanmes are Flower and Power, so they didn't care (mom just wants to know when she gets to have grandkids!)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2008 2:19 AM GMT
    DCEric saidDoes that say ATM weather, I was a Penn Stater in meteo!

    No good advice from me, in Maryland- have never had a bad reaction, my parents nickanmes are Flower and Power, so they didn't care (mom just wants to know when she gets to have grandkids!)


    HAHA, yup...I'm a weatherman. I guess that's what makes my decision to come out even harder. I've been told several times that being a weatherman already makes people skeptical of my sexuality. Lots of our kind in the business...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2008 2:27 AM GMT
    I'm pretty new to things as well, and i've only started coming out to some friends thus far. They have all been very supportive about it, even the ones who are very conservative, which has been extremely helpful so far. I have yet to be able to tell my family, although i feel like i'm very close to being ready to and close to doing it. I wanted to do it today, but didn't get a good opportunity, so soon i hope so i can move on and let our relationship grow the way it should.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2008 4:01 AM GMT
    I suggest you come out to your friends first. Everyone of my friends have been nothing but supportive and I've found out that many of them were actually gay, lesbian or bi.

    I'm still not sure how to tell my parents, but I've decided to tell them this christmas while I'm visiting them. I hope everything goes well with you.

    Best of luck

    Gus
  • gumbosolo

    Posts: 382

    Sep 25, 2008 4:22 AM GMT
    Hey man-- I'm gonna just add to the echo, go with someone safe first, someone you care a lot about and who'll take you for what you are. Big risky ones like closed-minded parents can do you some real harm anytime, but especially when you're just building your confidence. (I feel you on the Texas thing-- Louisiana's not much better. But I'm in theatre and your a weatherman, so we're better off than some.) Most people of our generation are pretty quick to accept, and you may find your friends and roommates even helping you out.

    Here's a good place to be-- I came around when I was still pretty new to talking about being gay, and it helped me feel the sense of community I didn't otherwise have.

    Good luck on finding a guy-- it's awful to have to wait when you're finally ready, but don't rush into anything you'll regret. The more delayed, delighted, as ol' Billy Shakes put it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2008 6:35 AM GMT

    Haha I'm in the same situation. I live in Alberta, which is considered the "Northern Texas", so it is tough to come out.

    I agree with the advice above and tell your friends. You'd be surprised how they'd react. I came out to some friends that I normally don't hang out with, and after coming out, I'm a lot closer to them and I do hang out with them more often now. I still haven't come out to my closest friends because I do know some of them may end up hating me.

    As for family, parents can be the toughest to come out to. I still haven't told them, despite the fact that a majority of my family members already know. You don't have to tell your parents, I know I won't for a while, but they will eventually have to know about it.

    Before coming out tho, may I suggest finding that right moment to come out to your friends or family, or you can get drunk and tell them. That boost of confidence might help icon_smile.gif. Best of luck.

  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Sep 25, 2008 6:45 AM GMT
    OK... here's where you've painted yourself into a corner

    You're gay .... so you've found out icon_wink.gif
    but you have only str8 friends and go out to only str8 places
    and therefore DEPEND on them for your social life

    ... of course now - it's scary to come out to them because you depend on them for everything social

    To come out you don't have to tell everyone that your gay
    Create a new circle of friends first - Some Gay Ones
    and then coming out and telling more people won't seem as drastic as it does now
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2008 7:18 AM GMT
    Your idea about bringing a guy over and making out is nice icon_smile.gif Personally, I don't think I ever 'came out' to anyone. There was just a point where I decided I wouldn't hide it any more. If people ask directly (or some sort of related question) I tell them. Otherwise, I let them find out by my actions. It's much easier that way, and if they reject me for it it's much easier to handle too (no one has done it yet though, but I think if some of my good friends did end up doing it I would be disappointed, but I'd get over it quick). RJ is one of the ways some people found out actually because I always print out workout sheets and some of my workout buddies are curious and ask me about the website. So I end up telling them "It's an awesome workout site, but just as a heads up, it's geared towards gays" etc. Anyway, it's things like this that make my straight friends put 2 and 2 together, rather than some weird scene of "Hey everyone, by the way, I'm gay, just FYI!"

    I haven't told parents yet though. And I can understand that difficulty. My parents would accept me fully (although they would be disappointed still) and there wouldn't be any religious bullcrap involved (and yes, I know this for a fact, one lives in Europe and is depressed because he barely sees me as is, and him giving me crap would just guarentee that I would never again visit, which would probably cause him to become even more depressed, and the other is extremely openminded and has pretty much shown over and over again that she'll help me do whatever it is that makes me happy), and I still can't tell them. My plan is to do it if I ever get a serious boyfriend. Otherwise there's no point anyway.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Sep 25, 2008 7:31 AM GMT
    My family had an intervention and told me I was gay. Pricks.

    At least you have the ability to choose how it's broken. icon_smile.gif