To end a relationship?

  • togobotch

    Posts: 1

    Jan 15, 2013 2:32 PM GMT
    I recently found out my boyfriend of 2.5 years has been messaging with a bunch of guys on both Adam4Adam and Manhunt. Not only messaging, but exchanging pictures with other guys - pictures he took of himself in our apartment (we've been living together for 2 years). I know he's also texted with a guy.

    He unknowingly unlocked his pictures to a friend of mine. My friend told me about this, and at first couldn't believe it - thought maybe he was wrong or someone had made a bogus profile of him with his pictures. But I was able to log into his account with the same password he uses for everything.

    Now, I know in many books this doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating. I don't know if he's met up with any of these guys. But I feel betrayed and like there's some intent to cheat. It's not like our sex life is lacking so I'm unsure where this is coming from.

    I want to ask him about it and I'm entirely unsure what he will say. I don't think I'll be able to trust him after this, and this will likely end our relationship. Part of me hurts...but another part feels like it's time to let go.

    We've had many issues in the past - big fights like holidays/time spent with family (his family lives 45 min drive away, mine lives 5 hr flight away) to what I see as stupid fights a.k.a. "you are terrible at installing sliding trash cans." Our relationship moved really fast (we moved in after 6 months) and I think at this point we get along really well like good friends do and love each other, but aren't as compatible as we thought. We don't really like to do the same things so we often have to compromise.

    This is getting long...in short, it's my first serious gay relationship and it's his 2nd. Not sure what will come of this, but by confronting him I think this will all end. Any words of advice would be appreciated.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2013 2:58 PM GMT
    Transparency and honesty are critical in any relationship. The two of you should engage in a frank discussion of your issues and let the chips fall where they may.
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    Jan 15, 2013 4:10 PM GMT
    You did not say if these sites were off limits in your relationship, or are you two monogamous with no outside anything. If you are monogamous, I'd end it now.
    Lying liars lie.
    Then again, this is your first post from a new profile, so you are probably some drama queen troll.
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    Jan 15, 2013 4:14 PM GMT
    smartmoney said(good info)
    Lying liars lie.


    Proven until the day we all die.

    People who lie will continue to lie to you and then... lie some more.
  • cookingitswee...

    Posts: 445

    Jan 15, 2013 4:19 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidYou did not say if these sites were off limits in your relationship, or are you two monogamous with no outside anything. If you are monogamous, I'd end it now.
    Lying liars lie.
    Then again, this is your first post from a new profile, so you are probably some drama queen troll.

    why are you always so rude?
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    Jan 15, 2013 4:33 PM GMT
    togobotch saidWe've had many issues in the past ...


    I think you've already decide to break, cause I don't see any attempts from any side to fix the situation. In this case there is no sense in trying to change your opinion.
    That's just what I think about it.
  • blueandgold

    Posts: 396

    Jan 15, 2013 5:39 PM GMT
    If you really love him, talk to him about it. Don't accuser him of things you don't know, and don't jump to conclusions. Being on a website is not the same thing as sticking your peepee in some dudes mouth.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Jan 15, 2013 5:44 PM GMT
    make sure you say the words about what is allowed and what isn't. Talk to him not to us. Keep it calm, some guy who haven't been told they need to keep the chatting down don't see it as a problem.
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jan 15, 2013 5:46 PM GMT
    in my opinion he's not cheating, he's just window shopping, no harm in that everyone has done that! i mean quite frankly even if he flirts to sexts other people whats the big deal? let him have his fantasy!
    now if you ever find out he has done the deed and cheated then you have every right to confront him and kick the bastard out of your life. until then, and i hope you never reach that stage, just go with the flow, window shopping never hurt anyone!
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Jan 15, 2013 5:48 PM GMT
    It's tough, but sounds like you deserve better.
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    Jan 15, 2013 5:54 PM GMT
    cookingitsweet said
    smartmoney saidYou did not say if these sites were off limits in your relationship, or are you two monogamous with no outside anything. If you are monogamous, I'd end it now.
    Lying liars lie.
    Then again, this is your first post from a new profile, so you are probably some drama queen troll.

    why are you always so rude?


    I actually agree with him, and don't really think he's rude just a bit skeptical that is all...
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    Jan 15, 2013 6:29 PM GMT
    why are you always so rude?[/quote]
    First, I'm not always rude. Then, most of the time, I just write what pops right into my big giant empty head. In the end, when someone asks a question I try to answer it from whatever limited experience I have.
  • WMassguy

    Posts: 25

    Jan 15, 2013 6:39 PM GMT
    I'm sorry that totally sucks. I would have a serious talk with him. I don't think it's okay to be talking to other guys on a hookup website while you're in a relationship. There are other forms of cheating than just physical..
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    Jan 15, 2013 8:23 PM GMT
    togobotch saidOur relationship moved really fast (we moved in after 6 months)...


    That's the first 'red flag'. Learn from that before you start your next relationship.
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    Jan 15, 2013 8:25 PM GMT
    deltalimen said
    togobotch saidOur relationship moved really fast (we moved in after 6 months)...


    That's the first 'red flag'. Learn from that before you start your next relationship.


    But there is no schedule. icon_wink.gif



    togobotch, talk to him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 15, 2013 8:39 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    deltalimen said
    togobotch saidOur relationship moved really fast (we moved in after 6 months)...


    That's the first 'red flag'. Learn from that before you start your next relationship.


    But there is no schedule. icon_wink.gif



    togobotch, talk to him.


    Again, warmly changing perspective. Nope, there isn't a schedule because it's called life. We just can't recognize we weren't living it until we start living it.
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    Jan 15, 2013 8:51 PM GMT
    abvgd74 said
    togobotch saidWe've had many issues in the past ...


    I think you've already decide to break, cause I don't see any attempts from any side to fix the situation. In this case there is no sense in trying to change your opinion.
    That's just what I think about it.


    I agree! OP - it appears you have already thought about your situation many times and it also appears that your heart has become too broken for him to fix. For your peace of mind, I would end your relationship and just be good friends. You deserve to be happy and it doesn't seem that you are with your bf.
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    Jan 15, 2013 8:56 PM GMT
    The best institution in good relationships is freedom to leave...
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    Jan 15, 2013 9:03 PM GMT
    I would at first say talk to him and find out where he stands.

    I am guessing your friend is on these sites, and he told you about it, not that you were snooping on your bf's computer/phone. If you were snooping, then the relationship was doomed from the first time you did because of lack of trust.

    If he is on those two sites, there is only ONE reason, hookups (either doing it now or going to). And if you have talked about a monogamous relationship, and agreed to it, it doesn't sound like he has respected your commitment.

    If you haven't talked about a monogamous relationship and agreed to it, then you don't have much reason to be upset over boundaries broken that were never established.

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    Jan 15, 2013 9:18 PM GMT
    blackhawksfan said...
    If you haven't talked about a monogamous relationship and agreed to it, then you don't have much reason to be upset over boundaries broken that were never established.



    Agreed, it's very important. If you want something to happen, be clear, speak about it, don't wait your partner to guess what you've imagined.
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    Jan 15, 2013 9:20 PM GMT
    Whether he's having sex or not, it shows a real lack of respect for you and your relationship. I think Jimmy Carter might call it lusting in his heart, which I think can be as hurtful - or sometimes more hurtful - than actual sexual infidelity. If you aren't okay with that kind of relationship you might have to take a hard look at whether you need to find what you want elsewhere.
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    Jan 15, 2013 9:25 PM GMT
    blackhawksfan saidI would at first say talk to him and find out where he stands.

    I am guessing your friend is on these sites, and he told you about it, not that you were snooping on your bf's computer/phone. If you were snooping, then the relationship was doomed from the first time you did because of lack of trust.

    If he is on those two sites, there is only ONE reason, hookups (either doing it now or going to). And if you have talked about a monogamous relationship, and agreed to it, it doesn't sound like he has respected your commitment.

    If you haven't talked about a monogamous relationship and agreed to it, then you don't have much reason to be upset over boundaries broken that were never established.


    I totally disagree. After 2.5 years, certain rules can be assumed if the relationship has otherwise been committed. If you are required to set clear rules about not doing Internet flirting before you're allowed to be offended, didn't he have a similar obligation to ask permission to use those websites before he began cyber-cheating?! Don't let people pin this on you like it's your fault...you aren't the one who screwed up here.
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Jan 15, 2013 9:35 PM GMT
    Don't see it as a confrontation, see it as an opportunity to hear his side of the story. I think a lot of the issues that many people in relationship today have can be resolved by having good communication skills. Seating down and setting aside a day every week where you can both talk about issues that are bothering you will go a long long way in creating a better relationship. Just about 30 minute is all it takes, but it could save your relationship.
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    Jan 15, 2013 9:53 PM GMT
    owen19832006 saidin my opinion he's not cheating, he's just window shopping, no harm in that everyone has done that! i mean quite frankly even if he flirts to sexts other people whats the big deal? let him have his fantasy!
    now if you ever find out he has done the deed and cheated then you have every right to confront him and kick the bastard out of your life. until then, and i hope you never reach that stage, just go with the flow, window shopping never hurt anyone!


    Don't listen to this! He's in a relationship and judging by your post, seems to be a monogamous one. That being said, he should not want or even think about any type of interaction with another guy. This shows how little he respects you as his life partner. Granted, you probably never established the terms of your relationship in regards to what is allowed, neither did he. So for him, or any guy for that matter, to just assume it is ok to conduct himself the way he is with these other men is unacceptable. You deserve better and you should talk to him about it. Be level headed with your confrontation and don't escalate the situation in a negative point especially if you want to continue the relationship. You need to find out what has happened and if he's willing to stop. If you're not satisfied with his answer then you need to just walk away.
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    Jan 15, 2013 10:22 PM GMT
    Just talk to him. If you are not able to compromise on the online texting,sexting, flirting and he likes to do it, then you may have to adjust your thinking or end the relationship. The prospect of his losing you may get him to change his behavior, but remember it's got to be him willing to change his behavior. You can't and mustn't coherce him into changing.

    Also, a word about trust: Trust is something that is built over time - a great deal of time. We (straights and gays) throw ourselves into relationships too quickly before we truly get to know someone (myself included) and we instinctively do not trust them (especially we gay men because we know we can be real sluts). Our instinctive distrust is a great survival tool but a horrible one for building a relationship with. That's why it is adviseable to really get to know someone and their values before you invest to much of your heart and set up house with them.

    Now, if you want to have a little fun with him, plan a romantic evening for two in the bedroom and invite one of his Adam4Adam buddies (the hottest one of course) over for a little three-way (unbeknownst to the two of them)! I'd love to be there to see the looks on their faces when they see each other and then realize you set it all up.