Missing your friend vs missing your lover

  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Jan 16, 2013 1:47 AM GMT
    So my boyfriend and I split up a few weeks ago, we're trying to remain on good terms but I'm having troubles in separating the difference between missing my best friend and missing my lover since they were the same person for a long time.

    How do you deal with trying to have a friendship with somebody where you previously shared so much intimacy?


    We've also met up a few times and hooked up once, I get the sense that he'd be cool with being FWB until one of us starts dating somebody else or he moves, but for me it's just painful to think about him that way anymore. Though he said the same to me when we had hung out and I asked if I could just spend the night and cuddle. It's like for him sex is sex and not a big deal, but for me it brings up all the emotions. And for me just holding another person feels really good right now because I've been so lonely and the idea of sex with him sorta freaks me out.

    We were hanging out with a mutual friend visiting from out of state and ended up getting in a huge shouting match over parking the car, the sort of fight that two friends would never have but that isn't that uncommon with a partner you're upset with over something else. I do want him in my life still, but the waters are tricky to navigate and I'm not sure how to find my way.
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    Jan 16, 2013 2:00 AM GMT
    I think that your problem is quite common and I am sure that many will be able to offer you some good advice.

    In my opinion, the only way you can really deal with being friends with an ex is to work on getting some distance. Then, let a lot of time pass and then reconnect with that ex later on. It's easier to go the FWB route but you will be on an emotional roller coaster and you may even find yourself getting back together. Getting back together, quickly, is often not the best course of action because none of the individuals had enough time to grow into a different and perhaps more mature person. You will then go through the same problems and arguments as you had before.
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    Jan 16, 2013 2:34 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear that you are in a tough situation. This struck a chord with me. I have spent the last 9 months or so off-and-on with my last ex in terms of our friendship. All I can really say is that the more I grow, the more I think that no contact or very low contact is necessary for a future friendship. In some ways, no contact is a very loving thing to do.

    In my situation, while the ex and I are very compatible in many ways, there is some kind of underlying incompatibility that seems to make either one of us reactive at different times. I'll say something very casual, but he will blow it out of proportion and think that I am insulting him... or I will get very emotional when I open up and become too honest (telling him that I care about him still) and he will become avoidant and mean.

    Try to be objective and honest with yourself. Tell yourself facts to stay strong and independent:
    "There are 3+ million men in this world, thus plenty of fish in the sea"
    "He will still be around in a year or two should I want to try honest communication again."
    "In order for a relationship to work, we BOTH have to want to work on it."
    "He might have been my best friend, but I can make new friends and give both of us the space to grow."

    You can only be honest with your wants and desires. Think about what YOU really want but know that you can't change him. Get your needs met elsewhere. Neither of you should rely on each other right now.

    Also, I have a hunch that your relationship might have fallen into an anxious-avoidant pattern. of course... I don't know for sure... but try googling "anxious avoidant relationship trap." It's some interesting relationship theory.
  • jackthejock

    Posts: 395

    Jan 16, 2013 7:08 AM GMT
    JerseyJames75 said
    Also, I have a hunch that your relationship might have fallen into an anxious-avoidant pattern. of course... I don't know for sure... but try googling "anxious avoidant relationship trap." It's some interesting relationship theory.



    I did google it and it was an interesting read. I don't think it really applies in my situation, because he never really had a problem with or avoided intimacy but it is a theory I can get behind in terms of a lot of relationship drama I've had friends go through.
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    Jan 16, 2013 7:17 AM GMT
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    Jan 16, 2013 11:52 AM GMT
    I know how you feel. Big Hugs, man. I don't think I'm fit to give advice on this subject, so I just send you wishes of hope, love, and good decisions. Whatever you and your ex have - it sounds like it's special, and hopefully it will stand the test of time.
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    Jan 16, 2013 3:58 PM GMT

    "How do you deal with trying to have a friendship with somebody where you previously shared so much intimacy? "


    Before Bill, when a relationship fell apart like yours did, I would play this song, read these lyrics and have a good cry. Then I would tell the man that no longer in love with me but was a friend that I needed time to adjust. We'd part ways as I came to terms with this painful rebuilding of being single.




    "
    There ain't no reason for us sittin' down
    To try to talk our problems out
    'Cause we know the truth
    It ain't no use each other we must do without

    There ain't no reason tryin' to force a smile
    When pain is really in its place
    'Cause we know the truth
    It ain't no use let's part before we lose love's trace

    (We've got to say)
    Wow oh oh ooh
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh oh ooh
    (Bye bye bye bye bye)
    Wow oh ooh oh ooh wow oh ooh
    Wow oh oh oh ooh

    As I look back I'm really trying to see
    Just what it was that made us spark
    'Cause the fire's out
    It leaves no doubt, the flame's not burning in our hearts

    We still are young and both of us have time
    To find our winter love in spring
    Yes we know the truth
    It ain't no use, we're not each other's everything...."

    *hugs you*

    -Doug



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    Jan 16, 2013 4:12 PM GMT
    jackthejock saidSo my boyfriend and I split up a few weeks ago, we're trying to remain on good terms but I'm having troubles in separating the difference between missing my best friend and missing my lover since they were the same person for a long time.

    You're assuming there's a difference - maybe there isn't, and that's your problem. Very often they ARE the same person, indeed probably should be. You're like Solomon dividing the baby - which half do you want? The whole baby can only go to one mother, if it is to live.

    I would counsel separation for a time. Both of you might benefit from a little cool down. But trying to remain de facto BFs minus the sex, as you seem to be describing, is not the way.

    You'll either both (and it must be both) discover the mistake in your breaking up, or else the wisdom of it. If it was wise to break up, then move on.
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1766

    Jan 16, 2013 4:20 PM GMT
    I'm pretty much in the same seat right now. My boyfriend broke up with me two days ago while I was visiting my parents in another city, and I'm heading back to Stockholm today. It feels weird going from have given him a goodbye kiss when I left, to going home where we'll just be two friends living together.

    Right now I feel that I lost my partner, and I can't afford to lose my best friend too. At the same time it's difficult to say that there aren't scraps of emotion left, and how I'll react if I see him dating other guys. There's also the issue of difficulty of finding places to live.

    I'm going to try be friends, for now. I'm in a bad position to give any advice, but I can tell you that as for me, I'm going to try this out and see how I feel. After all, in the best of worlds, we'll have fun living together even just as friends.
  • Matthew_k

    Posts: 7

    Jan 16, 2013 4:44 PM GMT
    Loving relationship is often a two men matter. Others' opinions could only confuse the emotion. How you actually feel about that matters the most.

    Many people happen to be our dearest friends in different stages of our lives. Yet the so-thought best friend in our childhood or teenage could have probably gone away already.

    Time heals. Relief pops up at the moment you realise something or get an epiphany about the whole thing. And by that I don't mean to just know it but somehow understand it from the bottom of your heart. It takes time of course, to make up our mind on just one single thing.

    Let time run its course. Having to get over a friend/lover is tough, but try to look back to all the harsh time you've got through.

    Cross finger for you icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 16, 2013 11:05 PM GMT


    ^ Another great song that reinforces the idea that letting go is sometimes the most loving action.