What are the signs that you're dating someone who is emotionally unavailable ?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 18, 2013 7:19 PM GMT
    Hi guys

    From your own personal experience, what are the general signs that you're dating somebody who is unavailable emotionally ?
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    Jan 18, 2013 8:05 PM GMT
    Listen to what he's telling you. His words are big clues! Here's an example. Long time ago, I wanted to date this guy and I'll call him "Chris". He was everything I wanted in a guy and more. But after a couple of lunch and dinner dates, he let me in on his past. He explained about his ex that he was with for 10+ years and the emotional roller coaster rides. Chris also explained about his family life on how his mother keeps him busy and how his brother continuously ask him for favors (such as $$). He told me A LOT of his personal problems.

    At that point, I concluded that he had too much emotional baggage that he needed to deal with and I was right! He ended up telling me that he wasn't ready for a relationship. So, I moved on. I never heard from him again but I hope he's okay. Hope this helps OP.
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    Jan 18, 2013 8:11 PM GMT
    One clue I've found, but no guarantee, is a guy who mostly talks about himself. And shows only slight interest in your owns stories & remarks. Which in itself is a problem, even if not tied to being emotionally unavailable.
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    Jan 18, 2013 8:25 PM GMT
    How about someone who rarely volunteers to ask you how you are ? Despite you making efforts to be there and engage with them?
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    Jan 19, 2013 6:35 AM GMT
    That pretty much sums up what Art Deco said in his post.
  • WApilot

    Posts: 191

    Jan 19, 2013 7:16 AM GMT
    I'd say, someone to whom shows no care or interest in who you are as a person. You clearly are there for him in all aspects but you don't feel like it's mutual.

    Your communication between each other feels forced and non-existent (on his part) and it feels like a struggle to gain some sort of emotion out of him to satisfy what you need in a relationship...


    ^^^This being from my previous relationship. I'm so glad I'm not with that guy anymore.
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Jan 19, 2013 7:48 AM GMT
    The sex is really good but that's really all it is. They call you up for a booty call but then really don't want have much to do with you other than that.

    Ideally, you need somebody that is attracted to you both emotionally and physically but I've seen people well into their 30s confuse physical love with emotional love.

    Especially females. They really get fucked over by this lol. They really really love it when a guy dominates them in bed and acts alpha male, but then whines that he's not 'father material.' They complain how badly they were mistreated, but they were the ones that included this person in their life in the first place 'because he was so hot.'

    This is what makes relationship a bit difficult. We all say we want a loving relationship but what we really mean is 'I want to get ass fucked by Taylor Lautner in a forest as hard as he can. Just pile drive my ass!'

    If you are ready for something more emotional than that, then really mean it! And sex is great and awesome but if that's all you have it won't last.

    ((this is the main reason ppl stay in emotionally unavailable relationships of course. They confuse 'hot sex' with feelings of long-term commitment etc.))
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    Jan 19, 2013 7:59 AM GMT
    He never looks at you directly into the eyes

    He never holds hands or play with your hair

    He never says how he feels about you

    He only smiles after he blows his load, but then quickly dresses himself
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    Jan 19, 2013 8:06 AM GMT
    Hmmm interesting topic since I'm an emotional wasteland. If ur dating me then that's a big sign...

    However I'm extremely engaging, listens, asks how you are, etc. And I even care. Just not enough to emotionally commit.
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    Jan 19, 2013 8:21 AM GMT
    thegaymessiah saidThe sex is really good but that's really all it is. They call you up for a booty call but then really don't want have much to do with you other than that.

    Ideally, you need somebody that is attracted to you both emotionally and physically but I've seen people well into their 30s confuse physical love with emotional love.

    Especially females. They really get fucked over by this lol. They really really love it when a guy dominates them in bed and acts alpha male, but then whines that he's not 'father material.' They complain how badly they were mistreated, but they were the ones that included this person in their life in the first place 'because he was so hot.'

    This is what makes relationship a bit difficult. We all say we want a loving relationship but what we really mean is 'I want to get ass fucked by Taylor Lautner in a forest as hard as he can. Just pile drive my ass!'

    If you are ready for something more emotional than that, then really mean it! And sex is great and awesome but if that's all you have it won't last.

    ((this is the main reason ppl stay in emotionally unavailable relationships of course. They confuse 'hot sex' with feelings of long-term commitment etc.))


    +1.
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    Jan 19, 2013 4:06 PM GMT
    atxd13 saidHmmm interesting topic since I'm an emotional wasteland. If ur dating me then that's a big sign...

    However I'm extremely engaging, listens, asks how you are, etc. And I even care. Just not enough to emotionally commit.

    Gross.
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    Jan 19, 2013 4:28 PM GMT
    When we say that a guy is "emotionally unavailable" to us, are we sure that its not just a lack of mutual chemistry? I mean I had "buddies" who became interested in me even though we initially agreed on having a physical relationship.

    I'm new to this concept so just trying to understand what the difference is here.
  • FireDoor211

    Posts: 1030

    Jan 19, 2013 4:29 PM GMT
    See if he has a penis
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    Jan 20, 2013 10:13 AM GMT
    Myol saidWhen we say that a guy is "emotionally unavailable" to us, are we sure that its not just a lack of mutual chemistry? I mean I had "buddies" who became interested in me even though we initially agreed on having a physical relationship.

    I'm new to this concept so just trying to understand what the difference is here.


    hmmm... I think the difference here is that if you are emotionally available, then you are able to tell that a guy is into you... and, that you do not feel the same. So the polite and kind (and emotional) thing to do is to tell that guy "I think you're great, but I'm not feeling you like you're feeling me." Emotionally unavailable guys AVOID. They AVOID these kinds of situations. They avoid difficult conversations and confrontations because they are literally scared of emotions.

    I've been with emotionally unavailable guys. I often felt the whole time that we were dating that I was "pulling teeth" in trying to get them to open up, to understand them... I would feel as though I was "talking too much" and "being too sensitive." Sometimes, they would reaffirm these things.

    I have had guys tell me that they do not want to talk. That makes no sense... how can you have a healthy relationship?

    Sometimes guys who know they have issues with their emotions will tell you directly. I have an ex who openly identifies as "an asshole" and told me the whole time that we were dating that "he is an asshole, and that's how he functions." I thought I could help him see the light o_O ... You live and you learn! You can't change someone!

    If you are constantly trying to help them solve personal problems, only to have them not take any of your advice, it's a sign that they are using you to relieve stress in the moment, without actually solving their problems permanently.

    They will lack opinions and shy from confrontation, but also might become explosive or over emotional very rapidly because they have been bottling things up for a long time, until it finally overflows.

    The trick is to recognize it and realize that it's their own problems and issues to deal with. It helps to know that you can love these kinds of men, safely and healthily from a distance, while you find a partner who is emotionally available and more deserving of your efforts.

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    Jan 20, 2013 11:14 AM GMT
    ART_DECO saidOne clue I've found, but no guarantee, is a guy who mostly talks about himself. And shows only slight interest in your owns stories & remarks. Which in itself is a problem, even if not tied to being emotionally unavailable.


    I'd say this is the big one that stands out for me too. Also makes me really angry so luckily I tend to avoid guys like that and they get dismissed.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Jan 20, 2013 1:10 PM GMT
    JerseyJames75 said
    Myol saidWhen we say that a guy is "emotionally unavailable" to us, are we sure that its not just a lack of mutual chemistry? I mean I had "buddies" who became interested in me even though we initially agreed on having a physical relationship.

    I'm new to this concept so just trying to understand what the difference is here.


    hmmm... I think the difference here is that if you are emotionally available, then you are able to tell that a guy is into you... and, that you do not feel the same. So the polite and kind (and emotional) thing to do is to tell that guy "I think you're great, but I'm not feeling you like you're feeling me." Emotionally unavailable guys AVOID. They AVOID these kinds of situations. They avoid difficult conversations and confrontations because they are literally scared of emotions.

    I've been with emotionally unavailable guys. I often felt the whole time that we were dating that I was "pulling teeth" in trying to get them to open up, to understand them... I would feel as though I was "talking too much" and "being too sensitive." Sometimes, they would reaffirm these things.

    I have had guys tell me that they do not want to talk. That makes no sense... how can you have a healthy relationship?

    Sometimes guys who know they have issues with their emotions will tell you directly. I have an ex who openly identifies as "an asshole" and told me the whole time that we were dating that "he is an asshole, and that's how he functions." I thought I could help him see the light o_O ... You live and you learn! You can't change someone!

    If you are constantly trying to help them solve personal problems, only to have them not take any of your advice, it's a sign that they are using you to relieve stress in the moment, without actually solving their problems permanently.

    They will lack opinions and shy from confrontation, but also might become explosive or over emotional very rapidly because they have been bottling things up for a long time, until it finally overflows.

    The trick is to recognize it and realize that it's their own problems and issues to deal with. It helps to know that you can love these kinds of men, safely and healthily from a distance, while you find a partner who is emotionally available and more deserving of your efforts.



    This is a really good description, JerseyJames. I'll also add a comment to a previous post about emotionally available guys will "look you into your eyes, hold your hand, etc". There are plenty of emotionally UNavailable guys who will do all of those nice things because they perceive that is what you want from them, but it has nothing to do with how they really feel. And it's confusing, because the superficial signals say that he's emotionally available, but then he flakes out or disappears without explanation.

    If a guy you're interested in tells you he has lots of baggage or is "working through things" or has had a history of rocky, on again-off again relationships or if he bails on you constantly or has excuses for not calling back, etc, then you have all the information you need that he's not available, and you can never fix that. Alot of guys still throw themselves into the maelstrom, even though it's out there plain as day how things will end up. And we've all been there at least once in our lives, I bet.