This seriously feels like a big slap to my face, I need your opinion/feedback to this please!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2013 7:39 AM GMT
    Okay guys, it's pretty long but please!! I just feel pretty depressed right now, and feedback is what would help me greatly icon_redface.gif Kudos to those who read the whole thing!

    A few years ago, I met this handsome guy in my college class, he's older than me(a 15-16 year age gap ). He'd help me with a few papers that was due. During that time, we didn't really talk to each other than stuff about school work and projects, so we were more acquaintances back then. Then, every so often within a period of 2 years,we never really said anything to each other, we were both thinking the same thing of whether we should say hi or not.

    Now fast forward to the present, I saw his Facebook page and decided to add him as a friend. We talked on there and got his phone number. Had a few 'coffee dates',then the next few days he invited me over for dinner, and of course we had the post-dinner sex. Now fast forward to this day(Friday,the 19th), I came over to his place, we fooled around, had dinner in some restaurant, went to a few places and so on.

    On the train ride home, I mentioned stuff about bareback sex, which led to me implying that he is HIV negative (I wasn't too sure on his status to begin with). I asked him and he is not HIV Negative, he's HIV Positive. He said he WAS going to tell me earlier, but was too scared to tell me or to start a conversation about it.

    I am not mad at all that he is HIV positive, ... I am very dissappointed/angry/frustrated that he told me he was positive after having sex. I just feel like that was a total dick move and a big slap to my face. (It was just oral, no bareback or anything like that, but still....)

    His justification for the reason on why he didn't tell me (in which he acknowledged was wrong) was that he was going with the logic that it was my decision to ask the question of whether or not someone is positive or negative. And how the knowledge out there when having sex with someone you don't really know is to assume that they are HIV Positive.

    He even told me he had a hook-up with someone before and the same thing happened. He told him was HIV Positive ....after they had sex.

    He sent me a few text messages saying that he's very sorry and that I should give me a second chance to have any kind of friendship, but now, I just don't know. He's handsome, cute, witty, blah blah blah, but knowing what he did to me really made me lose respect for him, I'm starting to believe that he has very low character.

    He knows what he did was wrong, but I just dont know.....

    Am I over reacting or something? I'm pretty shocked right now and now I'm wondering about my status(although I'm sure it most likely will be negative).Would love to have some feedback guys icon_cry.gif


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2013 7:46 AM GMT
    If he likes you and you like him, then why not?
    Get tested and play it safe from now on icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2013 7:47 AM GMT
    Even in this day an age the social stigma of HIV is still around. For your own benefit just get yourself tested. Secondly have a talk with him. Granted it was very unwise of him for with holding such information but ask yourself. Would you want to pursue something more with him. If yes then you need to understand and give support towards him. He himself also has to be willing to disclose his status to any partners and must adhere to safe sex.

    If you are not sure and still care about him, then you must only be his friend and just give him support as a friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2013 7:52 AM GMT
    Umm you're overreacting. He is right. If you don't ask him before sex, then you are assuming that he is poz and the responsibility of protecting yourself is on you. If you are adult enough to have sex, then you are adult enough to do the right thing and protect yourself by practicing safe sex each and every time. You should assume that every guy out there you have sex with is poz so you protect yourself.

    Don't worry. The risk of getting infected from oral sex is very small. If you didn't bareback with him you shouldn't worry. If his viral load is undetectable the risk of transmission is even less. If you're still worried then it helps to get tested in a couple of months. I dunno how long it has been since your first time having had sex with him but I guess more than 72h has passed so not sure if PEP is warranted. Check to find out though.
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    Jan 19, 2013 7:58 AM GMT
    Thanks guy for the feedback, but the age gap between us is too big for us to consider anything serious and we know it as well; but i understand your point. (age gap is at least 15-16 years apart).

    He's positive for over 20 years, but the fact that he did not tell me in the first place is making me question who he really is....and I must make it clear that I only "know" him for about 3 to 4 days tops. I know RJ isn't my therapist but I don't know anyone else to talk to.


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    Jan 19, 2013 8:06 AM GMT
    schwinn147 saidThanks guy for the feedback, but the age gap between us is too big for us to consider anything serious and we know it as well; but i understand your point. (age gap is at least 15-16 years apart).

    He's positive for over 20 years, but the fact that he did not tell me in the first place is making me question who he really is....and I must make it clear that I only "know" him for about 3 to 4 days tops. I know RJ isn't my therapist but I don't know anyone else to talk to.




    Oooooh now that's very different. If he's been doing this for over 20 yrs and you're only 21, it's kind of like he's taking advantage of you. You said college class in your OP I thought the guy in question is also in his twenties. If he's like 15-16 years older than you, he should know better. It's not like he's still young dumb full of cum and does not know better.

    Good thing is that if he's been poz for over 20 yrs chances are his viral loads are under control and he's not likely to infect you. Ask him though
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2013 8:12 AM GMT
    I agree with JOOU, you are overreacting! Also, based on your 2nd post, it appears that you have more of a problem with his age than his HIV.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jan 19, 2013 8:22 AM GMT
    He's a selfish ass if he's known his status for a long while and being older should be more rational, mature and wiser and he is suppose to have been your friend for quite a while now and and still didn't bother to discuss it with you prior to having sex with you, when he knew that you thought he was negative.

    But you can't expect everyone to tell the truth about their status and that is why you should always always play safe. Get the facts .. no one's gotten HIV from getting or receiving a blow job or kissing. HIV is a blood contact disease and it has to have a way to enter your body to get to your blood stream, such as cuts or abrasions. Once HIV is exposed to the air around us it dies fairly quickly. This is why transmission is pretty much always through unprotected anal sex (for men) or sharing needle with intravenous drug use. In anal sex there are a lot of small little veins inside us which can be exposed in which HIV can easily enter the blood stream via precum and semen. If he cums on your skin, your skin is a very good barrier to prevent being infected unless you have cuts and abrasions where the cum lands.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2013 3:26 PM GMT
    both of you are at fault. you should ask. he should tell. people need to learn to talk with the head upstairs first before thinking with the head downstairs. just take it as one of those 'lessons learned' moments.
  • MuscleComeBac...

    Posts: 2376

    Jan 19, 2013 3:30 PM GMT
    Jockular saidboth of you are at fault. you should ask. he should tell. people need to learn to talk with the head upstairs first before thinking with the head downstairs. just take it as one of those 'lessons learned' moments.


    This. So this.
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    Jan 19, 2013 3:34 PM GMT
    MuscleComeBack said
    Jockular saidboth of you are at fault. you should ask. he should tell. people need to learn to talk with the head upstairs first before thinking with the head downstairs. just take it as one of those 'lessons learned' moments.


    This. So this.


    Yes.
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    Jan 19, 2013 3:36 PM GMT
    schwinn147 saidThanks guy for the feedback, but the age gap between us is too big for us to consider anything serious and we know it as well; but i understand your point. (age gap is at least 15-16 years apart).

    He's positive for over 20 years, but the fact that he did not tell me in the first place is making me question who he really is....and I must make it clear that I only "know" him for about 3 to 4 days tops. I know RJ isn't my therapist but I don't know anyone else to talk to.




    What he did was reprehensible. And you have every right to question who he is and write him out of your life. To my way of thinking he has a moral obligation to inform all sex partners of his status.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2013 3:42 PM GMT
    First take HIV test

    2. No matter you are HIV positive or negative , go to a doctor & take (Anti retroviral Therapy) because the incubation period of HIV is very wide between 2-13 years...contact a doctor for more information...

    3. If he likes you & you like him....It is up to you (always be careful when you have sex), but if you don't like him...stop meeting him!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2013 3:44 PM GMT
    MuscleComeBack said
    Jockular saidboth of you are at fault. you should ask. he should tell. people need to learn to talk with the head upstairs first before thinking with the head downstairs. just take it as one of those 'lessons learned' moments.

    This. So this.

    Yes. And in some US jurisdictions, because he knew he is poz, having sex with you without disclosing it can be a crime.

    On the other hand, safe sex means you assume EVERY new guy with whom you have sex is poz, and may have other STIs, as well. For one thing a guy may not even know he's poz, despite periodic testing, because of the time delay between HIV infection and the body developing the test indicators that will reveal it.

    Get yourself tested for HIV at 3 and 6 months, and don't have unprotected sex again, OK? Even oral is still a question mark with some health experts.
  • owen19832006

    Posts: 1035

    Jan 19, 2013 3:48 PM GMT
    go to your GP and ask him to put you on anti retro virals if you had unprotected sex with that man!!
    i hope you didnt!! and it is very irresponsible and illegal if you did have unprotected sex and he told you his hiv status after sex recklessly endangering you.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 19, 2013 3:49 PM GMT
    Well a couple of things....you didn't act with "prudence" in protecting yourself beforehand when it comes to sex in general. I'm not saying that you pull out a notepad before and quiz someone before you mess around, but I do think you need to be real about sex and even if its oral sex.

    Secondly, he needed to tell you before you wrapped your mouth around him.
    I understand why he didn't want to... but he owes you that respect.

    Now I'm not getting down on you. Just approach all with some responsibility as should a partner. Glad you didn't freak out with his status.
    I wouldn't write him off, but I would take it as a "yellow flag" no doubt.
    I wouldn't talk "bareback" anything unless you are in a serious, committed
    relationship.
  • chris_hasting...

    Posts: 197

    Jan 19, 2013 5:08 PM GMT
    schwinn147 saidOkay guys, it's pretty long but please!! I just feel pretty depressed right now, and feedback is what would help me greatly icon_redface.gif Kudos to those who read the whole thing!

    A few years ago, I met this handsome guy in my college class, he's older than me(a 15-16 year age gap ). He'd help me with a few papers that was due. During that time, we didn't really talk to each other than stuff about school work and projects, so we were more acquaintances back then. Then, every so often within a period of 2 years,we never really said anything to each other, we were both thinking the same thing of whether we should say hi or not.

    Now fast forward to the present, I saw his Facebook page and decided to add him as a friend. We talked on there and got his phone number. Had a few 'coffee dates',then the next few days he invited me over for dinner, and of course we had the post-dinner sex. Now fast forward to this day(Friday,the 19th), I came over to his place, we fooled around, had dinner in some restaurant, went to a few places and so on.

    On the train ride home, I mentioned stuff about bareback sex, which led to me implying that he is HIV negative (I wasn't too sure on his status to begin with). I asked him and he is not HIV Negative, he's HIV Positive. He said he WAS going to tell me earlier, but was too scared to tell me or to start a conversation about it.

    I am not mad at all that he is HIV positive, ... I am very dissappointed/angry/frustrated that he told me he was positive after having sex. I just feel like that was a total dick move and a big slap to my face. (It was just oral, no bareback or anything like that, but still....)

    His justification for the reason on why he didn't tell me (in which he acknowledged was wrong) was that he was going with the logic that it was my decision to ask the question of whether or not someone is positive or negative. And how the knowledge out there when having sex with someone you don't really know is to assume that they are HIV Positive.

    He even told me he had a hook-up with someone before and the same thing happened. He told him was HIV Positive ....after they had sex.

    He sent me a few text messages saying that he's very sorry and that I should give me a second chance to have any kind of friendship, but now, I just don't know. He's handsome, cute, witty, blah blah blah, but knowing what he did to me really made me lose respect for him, I'm starting to believe that he has very low character.

    He knows what he did was wrong, but I just dont know.....

    Am I over reacting or something? I'm pretty shocked right now and now I'm wondering about my status(although I'm sure it most likely will be negative).Would love to have some feedback guys icon_cry.gif




    just a heads up it is in fact illegal in the US to have sex with someone and NOT tell them you have HIV........ very illegal.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Jan 19, 2013 5:13 PM GMT
    dude what it comes down to is you looking out "for number 1"... YOU..

    u need to look out for urself and can't trust others to do it for you. You should have asked his status before u had sex with him. I do not necessarily believe he has to tell u. You need to take responsibility for your own wellness and safety and dont leave it in other people's hands.

    I dont feel as if u should be all that upset with him, rather u need to look at urself and change how u go about having sex and all that....


  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Jan 19, 2013 5:23 PM GMT
    I agree with the posters who say that you're both at fault. Him for not telling and you for not asking (if it's important to you...it shouldn't be as you should be practising safer sex out of course).

    You sound fairy intelligent, but you have little life experience by the sounds of it.

    You said;

    'He sent me a few text messages saying that he's very sorry and that I should give me a second chance to have any kind of friendship, but now, I just don't know. He's handsome, cute, witty, blah blah blah, but knowing what he did to me really made me lose respect for him, I'm starting to believe that he has very low character.'

    This is totally out of proportion. Don't be too down on this guy - he didn't hold a gun against your head and make you blow him. If he's the 'lowest character' you have emotional/sexual dealings with in your life, you'll be very lucky.

    Chalk it up to experience and learn from it.

    Lozx
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2013 6:31 PM GMT
    pretty much what AMoonHawk and MCBTM said.
    I don't think you're over reacting; sadly naive, maybe, but it was his onus.
    Question is: if he had told you would you've had sex?
    Oh
    and
    News flash: Guy's LIE!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2013 6:32 PM GMT
    Looking back at it, I guess I didn't look out for myself more than I thought I had. This never happened to me before, and it really is one of the "lesson learned" type of things for me. I gotta start thinking with my brain in my head more than my other brain down below. But I really appreciate everyone's input. Thanks guys!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2013 6:38 PM GMT
    The last time I checked, I thought all HIV-positive people had to legally tell their partners before engaging in sexual activity that they are positive? Am I wrong? Doesn't it become a criminal offence if someone wasn't told that they weren't informed of their partner's status, and was infected?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2013 6:50 PM GMT
    Assume that everyone you have sex with is HIV+ in addition to hepatitis, herpes and syphilis. Don't do anything you wouldn't do if it were true.

    And just plain ask. Be prepared for the answer, or better yet, if it's a deal-breaker, make sure it's on the table from the outset (in your profile or whatever you use to hook up).

    You have to be responsible for you. No one else will be. And there are LOTS of guys who are unknowingly infected…
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 19, 2013 6:59 PM GMT
    If this is such a big issue to you, I don't understand why you didn't ask him about his HIV status before you slept with him. Granted, he should be declaring his positive status to whomever he's sleeping with, but isn't it your responsibility to ask as well. I think you might be focusing on this particular issue because you need a reason to get out of this relationship before it gets too serious.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jan 19, 2013 7:14 PM GMT
    Sounds like you're not really into this guy anyway so just learn from it and go on about your life. You were both wrong but I can see it happening if only oral was involved. Now if anal was involved, which I know it wasn't, that would be much more of a issue and really, his responsibility.