LJay saidHave you considered talking with a therapist to help sort this out?
I don't think this is a good idea. Based on the OP's situation, he is wanting to be honest with his dad and what he needs is a huge support group.
OP - I commend you for your courage and dedication to taking care of your mom. Alzheimer's is not an easy disease to deal with and while many families send their love ones to nursing homes so they don't have to deal with the disease, you are making every effort to make sure your mom is comfortable and safe and this, I bow to you!
I agree with the other posters on here that it appears your dad is an understanding man. You mentioned he uses words such as faggot or queer, but I don't think he means to insult anyone. If you decide to come out to him, you can help him understand how those words impact people and your relationship with him will probably grow. Best wishes to you in your decisions!
Pardon me and this threadjack and I'll even assume you made the statement on nursing homes to laud the efforts of the OP but in doing so you may have inadvertently degraded the efforts of others. Nursing home is not a four letter word, nor does utilizing them necessarily indicate neglect.
My own mother, aware that she might one day suffer Alzheimer's as her father and grandmother did (that's my only family line with it so I'm somewhat but not entirely at risk) instructed in legal form that her children place her in a community of her peers, just as she had always lived, plus she and I toured an assisted living facility while she was lucid, before the disease effected her noticeably and she was very happy with the that. Even still, my brother, sister-in-law and myself made every effort to create for my mother the illusion of independence so that she could maintain her pre-A.D. life for as long as possible.
Though that took a huge effort--having a driver for her the day we had to take her car away (not fun), involving everyone in her local community from neighbors to the mailman to the local cops to the guys at the sandwich shop (mom "paid" for her lunch by taking one of their biz cards off their counter and handing it to them, so cute, while we, of course, had an account set up), to a day nurse, etc., adding resources as required. We did this in coordination with advice from the Alzheimer's Association where we engaged a case worker as well as a psychiatrist who was a family friend and my dear mentor, who guided mom and I through this from the very earliest stage when my mother was completely involved in her own care.
Eventually, we did require the services of a nursing home and that after years of my taking mom to swim laps all the time (until she forgot how to swim) so that her body would benefit from at least that much bathing between the times that my sister in law bathed her including lifting my mothers huge breasts to clean under there. Not fun. We even had mom's cleaning woman monitor her bathing so we knew even when mom stopped showering (AD victims become afraid of water) as she was trying to fake us out by wetting her towel but the cleaning woman noted that there was no soap residue in the shower. Involved in mom's care? We didn't miss a trick.
While I was dealing with that, some other friends of mine were going through the same thing. A very dear friend of mine who didn't have our resources had to wipe her mother's ass for years while her mother's personality changed. So as my friend is changing her mom's diaper, her mom was cursing her out. I tried to get her to use a state run home or get in on medicare but she refused. My friend is hugely damaged from that even today.
For you to make that statement, you have no idea what this disease does to the loved ones of the victims, the percentage of caretakers who die first from the stress of it (& that happened in the family of another friend of mine), how damaged it leaves us. So I just thought I'd clue you in.
After many years of handling my mother's care in her own home, we eventually succumbed to my mothers wishes of utilizing a nursing home as keeping her in her home was becoming dangerous. She starting fighting with her home care workers in an attempt to remain in charge. Eventually Alzheimer's patients must be watched 24/7. They wander, they get into trouble. You have no idea or you wouldn't have said what you did about nursing homes.
After checking out probably every one within reasonable distance, I selected the one nearby that served the best chocolate cake, got mom a double room, big enough even for us to set up her living room where she entertained her new friends. We couldn' fit in the grand so we got her an upright that she was able to play almost all the way through her disease. We were there all the time as are many family members of other residents. It becomes it's own little community. Hell, my mothers little dog ran that place.
And after mom passed the director inherited that dog. It still runs the place. Annoying little fucking dog, raised by a woman with Alzheimer's. You have no idea the effort we put into this, even with outside help. I even continued taking mom to lunch all the time. I'd just call in advance and tell them to double bag my mother. I'm taking her to lunch and I don't want her to leak. And we paraded my mom through the restaurants to our seat with diners staring at us like we're some kind of freaks. Fuck them. Take a picture. We continued living our life as we always had, the best we could, before Alzheimer's took so much from us.
That nursing home you would denegrate is a blessing for families suffering this God damned disease. So I just thought I would mention. OP, if you guys get to the point where you need it, do not let anyone make you feel guilty about that. Peace.