Coming Out Dilemma

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 20, 2013 2:23 AM GMT
    I am new to Realjock and would appreciate any advice for my situation. I am 26 yo only child. I returned home to live with my parents in 2012 after completing my doctorate and have a good paying job. I have never told anyone I am gay or done anything gay such as go out with another guy or to a gay club. Although, several women during my college years were interested in me, I never had a girlfriend. I really want to come out to my dad as we are rather close. However, the main reason I live at home is because my mom has alzheimer's disease for about 6 years now. Aside from my time at work, nearly all of my time is devoted to caring for mom.

    My dad has always said he believes people are born gay and cannot help it. I heard him talk about a couple friends of his making fun of gays. Dad asked them if their son was gay would they want people to treat their son any different than a straight man. And apparently the guys said no. Even though he seems to not hate gays, he does use words such as fag, faggot, and queer. Moms condition is stressful and troubling for him for many reasons. I feel if I come out to him, the news of his only child being gay might send him over the top of the cliff if you will.

    So what would you do? Come out in the near future or as I hate to say wait until my mom is no longer in the picture because I really won't have time to date and meet other guys until then.
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    Jan 20, 2013 3:05 AM GMT
    First of all, I would like to send you my condolences to you and your family. I'm very aware of Alzheimer's and how emotionally burdening it is to see someone so close suffer from the disease.

    The final decision is your own and I am no way telling you what to do. But your father sounds extremely understanding and a strong man. I'm pretty sure him nor your mother would have wanted you to stop living your life or be afraid to tell the truth in any circumstance. I think that goes with any loving, understanding parents.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 20, 2013 5:39 AM GMT
    buddy, i am sorry for the horrible ordeal you and your father are having to go through. my thought is that your father may already know that you are gay. i mean you said it yourself. u have never dated a women or been with a woman. if he has never seen you with one than i am pretty sure he knows or maybe wonders if you are gay. I say hire someone to look after you mom and tell your father you are taking him out for a beer. That is when you tell him. I do not think there will ever be a good time to tell him. I think right now it would not be a total bad situation for your dad but would not be the worst. I say go ahead and tell him. I think your father may not take it the way you think he will. If he does than that is one that you can help him deal with.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jan 20, 2013 5:48 AM GMT
    Have you considered talking with a therapist to help sort this out?
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    Jan 20, 2013 5:51 AM GMT
    It sounds like your dad is hinting at you that it's okay to be gay. If you feel comfortable, then tell him. As for your mom, keep strong! I'm glad to see you and your dad work as a close team to help your mom.

    Best of luck to you icon_smile.gif
  • kiwi_nomad

    Posts: 316

    Jan 20, 2013 6:35 AM GMT
    I think your dad already knows or at least has his suspicions.

    I was in a similar situation with a sick father through most of my teenage years - sometimes you have to step aside and take time out to do something for yourself.
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    Jan 20, 2013 6:38 AM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear about your mom, but in my opinion, you need to start living your life man. I would definetly come out and start figuiring out my life.

    Just as a question, if you have a well paid job, is there any chance that you could hire a nurse for your mom?

    Best of lucks man.
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    Jan 20, 2013 6:38 AM GMT
    It does sound like your Dad probably knows or senses it and he's trying to make it easier on you given he's stated those things in front of you (minus the derogatory stuff).
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    Jan 20, 2013 6:54 AM GMT
    I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I can't imagine how emotionally and physically challenging it would be to take care of someone going through alzheimer. You are an amazing and strong person for being there for your parents - you are definitely a person to be admired and respected.

    From what you've said, I see the same man who is respectable, strong, and empathetic in your father as I see in you. You have to be forgiving of his usage of the words like fags, faggots, queers, etc. Even I grew up hearing those words from my friends, classmates, other adults, etc. It's one of those bad habits that people adopt due to their surrounding and have difficulty growing out of just because it's been around them for so long - it does not at all make them a bad person, or in some cases homophobic that they have such a habit.

    If you find it burdening to be closeted as you live with your parents, I would recommend that you get rid of that burden by coming out to them. You have enough burden as it is, and, while i know how difficult it is to come out to parents who you are uncertain about as to how they would respond (trust me, I've been there), it is a much more disposable burden than other issues you are having in your life at the moment. Parents who only have one son do typically have more trouble adjusting to such a fact, but they will do it for the sake of establishing a stronger relationship with their only sons. Considering how mature, thoughtful and respectful your father is, I am confident that he will embrace you as his son and see this as an opportunity to get closer to you.

    Best wishes, and feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to. I know what it's like to be closeted in a homophobic environment, and the horrifying, emotionally troubling prospects of coming out. Remember, you are not alone! icon_smile.gif
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    Jan 20, 2013 6:55 AM GMT
    I agree with the others that your dad probably already knows. So sorry for you to have to deal with your mom's Alzheimer's at such an early age. I presume this is early onset and that you've done your research and know the implications. I would not waste a moment but to live honestly and openly with your dad.

    I took care of my mom in my 40s. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you at your age. The additional stress of wanting to talk to your dad on top of helping your mom is more than you should have to carry on your own. I can't imagine your parents not wanting you to unburden yourself of that.

    From what you've written here I don't think the news will send him over the top. Dealing with the tragedy of a loved one's disease certainly is stressful but also it can be vulcanizing.
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    Jan 20, 2013 6:57 AM GMT
    My parents did the same thing. I think your Dad knows you are gay and say derogatory things in a strange attempt to "bait" you into coming out. Do it and get it over with.
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    Jan 20, 2013 1:30 PM GMT
    LJay saidHave you considered talking with a therapist to help sort this out?


    I don't think this is a good idea. Based on the OP's situation, he is wanting to be honest with his dad and what he needs is a huge support group.

    OP - I commend you for your courage and dedication to taking care of your mom. Alzheimer's is not an easy disease to deal with and while many families send their love ones to nursing homes so they don't have to deal with the disease, you are making every effort to make sure your mom is comfortable and safe and this, I bow to you!

    I agree with the other posters on here that it appears your dad is an understanding man. You mentioned he uses words such as faggot or queer, but I don't think he means to insult anyone. If you decide to come out to him, you can help him understand how those words impact people and your relationship with him will probably grow. Best wishes to you in your decisions!
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Jan 20, 2013 1:38 PM GMT
    In my experience, it's only a good idea to come out if you are 100% confident.

    I think that's the reason so many famous guys get rich and independent first BEFORE they come out, because if somebody goes "eww a fag" they can more easily not let that shit get to him.

    but if you are still living with your mom and you are still worried that it will hurt your feelings if other people react that way to you - then it might not be a good idea.

    But the way to combat that sort of cruelty isn't politically correct 'gay rights' speeches, it's to be cruel back to them. It's to mock straight people. It's to act like a stereotypical wigger straight boy.

    I don't know I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I just know that I came out in situations where I didn't have much control and it devastated my self-esteem. It made me feel like a victim rather than anybody who is in charge of his life. Heterosexuality has such a natural advantage in our society still that it isn't good to 'come out' unless you are very rich and successful. This is sad and harsh but true.

    Anyways, your family will probably come around -but it might take some time. I wanted the Lifetime TV moment where everybody hugged me and told me they loved me for being gay but they had some issues w/it. Also I was so not confident about being gay that I couldn't stand up to people... but now as i'm older I can. If you will get too emotional or cry when somebody hatefully calls you a 'fag' then you are not ready.

    "Yeah im a faggot what are you gonna do about it i can kick your ass you mother fucker."

    If more gay men would be like that, it would be SO HOT.
  • thegaymessiah

    Posts: 214

    Jan 20, 2013 1:43 PM GMT
    i also remember i would cry and get really emo when my sister said cruel things about gay men because i wanted her love and acceptance but she was a bitch.

    but her love doesn't mean anything to me anymore. she is a cunt who destroys everything in her own life due to her laziness and selfishness. She's a whore.

    the fact i actually cared what she thought sickened me. she thinks 'straight men' are so fucking tough and great but then gets fucked over by them.

    icon_rolleyes.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jan 20, 2013 1:45 PM GMT
    You sound like a great, very responsible guy. Congrats for taking such a role in your family and so very sorry you and your Dad have had the stress and challenges with your mother. I'm sure that alone has been a very difficult process.

    I think you should tell your Dad. Something tells me, he may already suspect you are guy or at least has entertained the idea of it. If you are close and he has made the effort to "mitigate" some of the concerns by making positive remarks is really helpful. Talk to him at a time it makes sense, it needn't be immediate. I would explain how long you have known. I have the feeling all he will care about is that you are happy and fulfilled in your life.
    I know you love your Dad, but give him credit. I sincerely doubt anything like this you say.. will send him over any edge.

    Congrats for all your hard work and for your job. You deserve to be happy.
    Keep going down that road... and welcome to RJ!

    icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jan 20, 2013 4:40 PM GMT
    Erik101 said
    LJay saidHave you considered talking with a therapist to help sort this out?


    I don't think this is a good idea. Based on the OP's situation, he is wanting to be honest with his dad and what he needs is a huge support group.

    OP - I commend you for your courage and dedication to taking care of your mom. Alzheimer's is not an easy disease to deal with and while many families send their love ones to nursing homes so they don't have to deal with the disease, you are making every effort to make sure your mom is comfortable and safe and this, I bow to you!

    I agree with the other posters on here that it appears your dad is an understanding man. You mentioned he uses words such as faggot or queer, but I don't think he means to insult anyone. If you decide to come out to him, you can help him understand how those words impact people and your relationship with him will probably grow. Best wishes to you in your decisions!


    Pardon me and this threadjack and I'll even assume you made the statement on nursing homes to laud the efforts of the OP but in doing so you may have inadvertently degraded the efforts of others. Nursing home is not a four letter word, nor does utilizing them necessarily indicate neglect.

    My own mother, aware that she might one day suffer Alzheimer's as her father and grandmother did (that's my only family line with it so I'm somewhat but not entirely at risk) instructed in legal form that her children place her in a community of her peers, just as she had always lived, plus she and I toured an assisted living facility while she was lucid, before the disease effected her noticeably and she was very happy with the that. Even still, my brother, sister-in-law and myself made every effort to create for my mother the illusion of independence so that she could maintain her pre-A.D. life for as long as possible.

    Though that took a huge effort--having a driver for her the day we had to take her car away (not fun), involving everyone in her local community from neighbors to the mailman to the local cops to the guys at the sandwich shop (mom "paid" for her lunch by taking one of their biz cards off their counter and handing it to them, so cute, while we, of course, had an account set up), to a day nurse, etc., adding resources as required. We did this in coordination with advice from the Alzheimer's Association where we engaged a case worker as well as a psychiatrist who was a family friend and my dear mentor, who guided mom and I through this from the very earliest stage when my mother was completely involved in her own care.

    Eventually, we did require the services of a nursing home and that after years of my taking mom to swim laps all the time (until she forgot how to swim) so that her body would benefit from at least that much bathing between the times that my sister in law bathed her including lifting my mothers huge breasts to clean under there. Not fun. We even had mom's cleaning woman monitor her bathing so we knew even when mom stopped showering (AD victims become afraid of water) as she was trying to fake us out by wetting her towel but the cleaning woman noted that there was no soap residue in the shower. Involved in mom's care? We didn't miss a trick.

    While I was dealing with that, some other friends of mine were going through the same thing. A very dear friend of mine who didn't have our resources had to wipe her mother's ass for years while her mother's personality changed. So as my friend is changing her mom's diaper, her mom was cursing her out. I tried to get her to use a state run home or get in on medicare but she refused. My friend is hugely damaged from that even today.

    For you to make that statement, you have no idea what this disease does to the loved ones of the victims, the percentage of caretakers who die first from the stress of it (& that happened in the family of another friend of mine), how damaged it leaves us. So I just thought I'd clue you in.

    After many years of handling my mother's care in her own home, we eventually succumbed to my mothers wishes of utilizing a nursing home as keeping her in her home was becoming dangerous. She starting fighting with her home care workers in an attempt to remain in charge. Eventually Alzheimer's patients must be watched 24/7. They wander, they get into trouble. You have no idea or you wouldn't have said what you did about nursing homes.

    After checking out probably every one within reasonable distance, I selected the one nearby that served the best chocolate cake, got mom a double room, big enough even for us to set up her living room where she entertained her new friends. We couldn' fit in the grand so we got her an upright that she was able to play almost all the way through her disease. We were there all the time as are many family members of other residents. It becomes it's own little community. Hell, my mothers little dog ran that place.

    And after mom passed the director inherited that dog. It still runs the place. Annoying little fucking dog, raised by a woman with Alzheimer's. You have no idea the effort we put into this, even with outside help. I even continued taking mom to lunch all the time. I'd just call in advance and tell them to double bag my mother. I'm taking her to lunch and I don't want her to leak. And we paraded my mom through the restaurants to our seat with diners staring at us like we're some kind of freaks. Fuck them. Take a picture. We continued living our life as we always had, the best we could, before Alzheimer's took so much from us.

    That nursing home you would denegrate is a blessing for families suffering this God damned disease. So I just thought I would mention. OP, if you guys get to the point where you need it, do not let anyone make you feel guilty about that. Peace.
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    Jan 20, 2013 5:03 PM GMT
    Sorry you have to deal with Alzheimer's. My mom is in an earlier stage of the disease, so doesn't yet need full time care, but it'll come sooner rather than later. Fortunately, my dad is in good health, but I wish I lived closer so I can help...kudos to you for doing so. It's heartbreaking to see a loved one go through this.

    It sounds to me that your dad will be supportive if you come out to him. The other guys have already made some great comments, so I don't have anything to add except if you do come out to him, consider telling him that you find the fag, faggot, and queer labels offensive and ask him not to use them.

    Good luck.
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    Jan 20, 2013 5:16 PM GMT
    UKPharmboy saidEven though he seems to not hate gays, he does use words such as fag, faggot, and queer.


    My mum is personally obsessed with gays idk why. I think she was secretly hoping I would be gay because even when I was a child she would out of nowhere be like "we'd still love you if you were gay", "there's nothing wrong with gay people", "Rosie O'Donnell is gay", etc... I'm not even flamboyant and didn't even know what "gay" was when she said all that. Despite her obvious support for gays, she still uses words like "fag" or "queer", but in an obvious joking fashion right in front of me.. of course I'm sure she's caught on that it doesn't bug me so maybe that's why she continues to... anyway point is that I don't think you should let the fact that he uses these words sometimes affect whether or not you tell him or worry you about his reaction. From the little bit we gathered from your original post, he seems like a decent person. You're still going to be the same person, after all. If he's fine with how you are now, he'll likely be fine with you afterwards. Only you'll know when's best though. Good luck!
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    Jan 20, 2013 5:50 PM GMT
    Ahem, 26 years old, don't date girls. I think your dad loves you and has been indirectly dropping hints that he's okay with the man you, are gay or straight. Hell, just cause someone uses expletives doesn't mean jack. Our PC minded society tends to weigh to much on words and not the physical actions of people. Hell I use, spic, nigger, faggot, honky, white boy in expletive manor all the time. I like them because sometimes they are the most descriptive adjectives for the moment. Language is a beautiful thing, people make it ugly by believing it is to be cubby holed for certain usage only. They add to verbal expression but it is the person you need to read; their soul.

    Ever hear the term " my nigger", it is used culturally as a term of affection; "my friend". Used by blacks, hispanics, and even some white folk. Point is, try to read the soul not the language. People for the most part are kind and loving; especially to their offspring. Of course there are exceptions.

    Sorry, about your mom. My mom is afflicted by this cruel disease as well. So basically, your question is do you start living your life or do you sit back and wait for dad to pass as well. Telling your mom wouldn't change anything because her disease won't allow her to retain the information. I would say you need to start living your life, tell your dad what he already knows. It will lift this faux secret you may believe you have and make these next few years with your parents even better.

    Good luck!!!!
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    Jan 20, 2013 6:10 PM GMT
    First let me tell you , i admire what you are doing for your mum and dad , they are lucky to have a son like you .
    Your dad seems very understanding about the problems that same sex lovers encounter in life , i am pretty sure sees you as an intelligent , loving and unselfish son . My mum passed away from cancer when i was teen , and my brother and I are very close to my dad . When you feel comfortable starts to place some innuendo in the conversation about your sexual orientation , and so on .. As many have said in the above answers , i am pretty sure that your dad have the suspicion his son is gay ...
    Best luck to you
    Cheers mate
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    Jan 20, 2013 6:35 PM GMT
    Sounds like your only reason for not telling him is that he uses the word "fag" from time to time. So what....so do a lot of people, both straight and gay. I'd cut him some slack and be honest with him. Holding onto secrets like this can hurt your relationship in the long run. He'll appreciate your honesty.
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    Jan 20, 2013 6:45 PM GMT
    What a great son. I, too, am sorry you're having to deal with all of this especially while being so young. I came out later in life. One of things I learned in my experience was that a lot of my fear was really guilt. Guilt of not living up to my parent's dreams for me. That is not a gay issue. That is a child-parent issue that many, many, many people go through. There are more movies and novels on the father/son, mother/daughter dynamic than nearly any other theme.

    I say all of that because you don't need to think of it as "disappointing him now" versus "disappointing him later". Instead it should be "giving him a chance to show you how he feels" now versus later. That is totally your decision to make when you're ready.
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    Jan 20, 2013 6:54 PM GMT
    I feel for you and your situation.

    Three things:

    Don't assume dad knows. I thought my mother knew as well as all the signs were there, only to find out that she didn't once I told her. So much for motherly instinct. Was I ever surprised. However, based on your information, and regardless of the derogatory words he has used in the past, that will all change once you have told him. He will love and support you no matter what. Your parents want you to be happy.

    Secondly, how do you feel about your own sexuality? Have you embraced it and own it so that you are confident that you are gay or do you have guilty feelings? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror and said "I'm gay" and can feel good about it?

    Finally, Coming out is a process. Don't let anyone else tell you when it is time to come out. YOU have to feel comfortable and it should be on your time, not theirs. Don't regret it once you made that decision. My father died before I had a chance to tell him as I wasn't comfortable in my own sexuality at the time, so I wasn't going to let my mother go to her grave without telling her. Likewise, you have to think about whether or not you would regret it not telling your mother and father if one of them was to pass away.

    Best wishes and I'll keep you in my prayers. Have a great weekend. Hiker.
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    Jan 20, 2013 7:06 PM GMT
    Follow me here....there is a message for you in among these songs... follow your heart, because in the final analysis, you have to live with your self.. Remember that sometimes proving that parents did a good job raising you and instilling their values in you, means doing the right thing, not because it is easy or timely, but because it is the right thing.....good luck.icon_cool.gif I am sorry about your mom.





  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Jan 20, 2013 7:14 PM GMT
    The very fact your Dad has healthy discussions about his friends children and what they would do if their kids were gay, is a good sign. He is open to the discussion.

    Id say go for it. Rehearse the conversation in your head. Even practice how the conversation would go with a friend so they can bounce some ideas and play devils advocate with you. Create a win win situation between you and your dad in the process of coming out.