Make yourself break free?

  • SeattleGreenl...

    Posts: 124

    Jan 21, 2013 11:42 PM GMT
    Have you ever wanted to forgive someone, forgive their transgression, even though you know it still continues to happen? - The fear of letting go and being open to the unknown a little too much to consider?

    Afraid so.
  • SeattleGreenl...

    Posts: 124

    Jan 22, 2013 1:26 AM GMT
    That is the exact context.
    Torn between wanting to forgive and keep it going- but afraid of the unknown of letting go and walking away
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    Jan 22, 2013 1:28 AM GMT
    I think you should forgive regardless. I don't like giving up on a relationship until it's absolutely irreparable. If I still have even just a little bit of hope, I'll try. But once that piece is gone, I know I've given it my best and that it's time to move on.
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    Jan 22, 2013 2:12 AM GMT
    Just to confirm, I approve of Dave's (Yourname2000's) message here, as the other one in the relationship. We were talking just last night about sharing our experiences with RJ, and he certainly has my permission to talk about "us" at any time. icon_biggrin.gif

    So, to the OP:

    You need to do some soul searching first. What is most important to you? What is a relationship to you? Is what you have with this guy in -line with that? If not, how far out-of-synch are you?

    Having a good sense of the above would be important prep work for a conversation with your guy. You need to know what you want and where you are, as far as possible, before getting down to "brass tacks" and hopefully resolving this.

    And yeah, as Dave said, what makes sense for you both, or singly, may change over time. Reflecting on your individual and mutual needs, and then talking about it as things change, is VERY important.
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    Jan 22, 2013 2:20 AM GMT
    @yourname2000 – I always look forward to your insight and advice on the forums, (even when you troll (lol)). I appreciate you. icon_wink.gif

    Thanks!
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    Jan 22, 2013 3:52 AM GMT
    Look deep inside yourself and look what level of monogamy YOU need in a relationship. Is it total monogamy or are you a wanton slut that needs a bf only to keep the bed warm? Between those extremes decide what fits you and whether you can have this with your ex? If your ex feels tied down with your needs or can't/won't meet them, you should move on.

    My partner and I have been in an open relationship for 19+ years. We both want the same level of openness. We occasionally fool around with somebody else, but are sure of each other. I'm actually happy for my man when he has some fun outside of our relationship.
    This is your decision, don't let society tell you what kind of relationship you ought to have.
    Good luck.
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    Jan 22, 2013 3:57 AM GMT
    The bible says "forgive and forget."

    Experience says "the moment you forget is the moment it happens again as a reminder."

    If you're going to forgive, prepare to be slapped on the other cheek.

    The bible also says "the meek shall inherit the earth."

    Experience says "they won't keep it for long."
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    Jan 22, 2013 4:09 AM GMT
    Wish I had this problem. Haven't been able to get a relationship going in so long.

    That being said, don't forgive and go back out of desperation. But also, don't hold onto ill feelings and thoughts cause ultimately, the fire warps and destroys it's container.

    Imho, if post relationship friendship is IMPOSSIBLE, perhaps its better that you Forgive & Forget.
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    Jan 22, 2013 4:14 AM GMT
    Here's the thing. A open relationship is built on an extraordinary degree of trust. If your guy is breaking a commitment he's made to you, that is not a good foundation.

    I am all about forgiveness and working things out. Stuff happens. But if it continues to happen and it's not within the boundaries you guys have worked out, that's not good.

    Love yourself, value yourself, then ask if your guy is showing that same degree of respect to you. If he's not, then you're not in an open relationship. He's just taking advantage of you.

    Good luck and best wishes.
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    Jan 22, 2013 8:27 AM GMT
    SeattleGreenlake saidHave you ever wanted to forgive someone, forgive their transgression, even though you know it still continues to happen? - The fear of letting go and being open to the unknown a little too much to consider?

    Afraid so.


    I teach 12-Step substance abuse recovery, and one of the steps is step 8 where in which we talk about forgiveness. My advice is that you need to talk to this person and let them know that they're actions are hurting you. Let them know you've forgiven them, but they keep doing the same things. Let them know what you want out of the relationship you have with them. This sounds like it's unhealthy and you need to evaluate what you're getting out of it if anything worth it. Also, if you do forgive them, be sure you really are over the feeling. Sometimes we relive the offense and the pain from it over and over and victimize ourselves causing more pain to ourselves then that was given when the offense first occurred. Good luck!
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    Jan 22, 2013 8:49 AM GMT
    I always forgive people for their mistakes(though at times it takes a moment but at the end of the day I'll forgive)...If it still continues to happen I'll ignore their actions...If their actions are hurting you then I tend to stay away from them...but I'll never stop pointing their mistakes to them until they realize their mistakes...

    The best thing to do when they keep on doing & yet you don't want to leave them is to...
    1.Ignore those actions
    2. It is very important....Do not expect anything from them neither good nor bad...(cause most people will hurt their feelings when they expect something good from the other but receive the exact opposite) So, stop having any expectations on him!
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    Jan 22, 2013 8:50 AM GMT
    Is this an AA thing?


    If the person did something in the past and is apologizing, you can forgive him if you choose.
    If he continues to do something, he's not apologizing and you're not really forgiving him. In this case you're giving him permission to continue doing whatever it is that he's doing.
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    Jan 22, 2013 9:03 AM GMT
    Macaque saidIs this an AA thing?


    If the person did something in the past and is apologizing, you can forgive him if you choose.
    If he continues to do something, he's not apologizing and you're not really forgiving him. In this case you're giving him permission to continue doing whatever it is that he's doing.


    Well I did more or less quote step 8 and gave some Healthy Relationship advice.
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    Jan 22, 2013 2:51 PM GMT
    SeattleGreenlake saidHave you ever wanted to forgive someone, forgive their transgression, even though you know it still continues to happen? - The fear of letting go and being open to the unknown a little too much to consider?

    Afraid so.


    I advise you to let go and face the unknown. All that will happen is that you will be in the place you were before you met him. That guy not only cheated on you more than once, but continues to lie to you about it, and continues to cheat.

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    http://www.realjock.com/gayforums/2937211/
  • kyleburke

    Posts: 79

    Jan 22, 2013 9:54 PM GMT
    In my experience it is good to forgive the person, for this may have happened for a reason and you may realize soon that it happened to lead you to someone or something wonderful or perhaps to challenge yourself and or the relationship.

    Try to forgive them, if you know deep down that they are not a horrible person...

    To continue it...one question is all you need to ask yourself. Do you trust this person? Can you go with them again and truly trust them? Because if you can't then it doesn't matter how much you love or care for them, it will never work. Trust is a major factor.

    icon_smile.gif Best of luck !!!