I'm in love with a guy and this is a lot of drama and it's weird and God gave me a sign and I don't know what to do with my life.

  • urhereurthere

    Posts: 185

    Jan 22, 2013 5:27 AM GMT
    I met this guy called Miguel a few months ago, He is also Portuguese. He lives in a town close to the city. We got together the first time to meet each other, we went for coffee and spent a few hour talking to each other and it turned out to be the best time i ever spent in a first date. After the date i discovered we had a friend in common and I decided that i should ask her about him although he had asked me not to because he didn't want her to know he's gay.

    Anyway i decided to ask her. "do you know a Miguel from place X? his friends with that other guy you dated. because we went on a date yesterday" - she looked shocked at me and said "Lenny he is HIV+". And I asked how she knew that and she reminded me of all the discussion we had last summer (summer 2011) in our group of friends over a guy called Miguel that had just discovered he was HIV+ and because she was certain that her ex had had sex with him (she dated a gay guy hoping he would turn straight -.-) and a big drama bloomed from there.
    i had never seen a photo of the lad or even heard about him since that summer so I didn't relate them as being oneicon_exclaim.gif

    She told me to step away because he hadn't told me he was HIV+ and i thought - ok, no one just turns on to you in the first date and says "I'm HIV+, and do you want cream on your coffeeicon_question.gif" -.

    I had a hard time dealing with this because i had really liked the guy and we were hoping to get together again and date more!

    still i decided to confront him about it. I went on the website we met and i realized that in his profile the HIV status was "ask me", so i did :$
    "hey Miguel, i visited your profile and i realized that your HIV status was marked "ask me", what does that mean?" and he took a long while to reply (we were having a flowing conversation) saying "what? ahahah no it's not!" - "yes Miguel it is... is there something you wanna tell me?" - another forever to reply - "i must of gotten that wrong ahahah" - "Miguel are you HIV+? you can tell me, just be honest" - "no I'm not Lenny. i got that wrong" - and he changed the HIV status from "ask me" to "negative".

    That shocked me and i told my friend (the one we have in common) and after i told her this, she just said "OMG he is crazy :O | he is in denial! | he must have serious psychological issues". I was feeling like shit. I could kind of understand why he had lied... afraid of being rejected for it? still, once you lie about this, you cant just go back. What if a condom broke? what if there was an infection?

    I know i could date an HIV+ person but what about the risk of infection? even using protection shit can happen!

    after this we didn't get together again until the 30th of December (i first met him in October). We went for coffee again but this time we didn't meet up. I picked him up and we went in my car looking for our coffee around town. It was amazing like it was supposed to be.

    When i get together with him i go dumb. as in first class level of knowledge dumb... and if I'm not wrong, so does he... we kissed when i was dropping him off and we stayed in the car kissing and holding hands and hugging for about an hour. we decided to get together again and date more (AGAIN!)

    that night (the 30th December) I got fired from the bar i was working at and the pension he was working at got robbed while he was there and the robbers pointed a gun at his head and the other employees.

    We only spoke again tonight and I'm seriously in love with this guy and he finally told me today that he is in love with me too. But he didn't told me about being HIV+ and I don't know how to deal with the fact that he didn't tell me and the fact that he is HIV+...

    What do you think I should do? How should I deal with this?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 22, 2013 5:51 AM GMT
    On the one hand -- it's got to be hard for him because he knows telling people he's positive will make a lot of guys run. So I suppose some understanding is due. HOWEVER, when you tell a lie that either could put someone else's health at risk or lulls them falsely into a false relationship, it doesn't speak highly of your character.
    Your friend should sack up and tell you the truth. If the guys you're interested in run, then they aren't the right guys for you. I would not want to be in a relationship founded on lies...especially when they have to do with important matters. This guy impresses me as being of weak character if he' not truthful, and that alone should cause you to take a serious step back.
    Many years ago, I dated a guy. He told me on our second date that he was positiive. (I am not.) At first I was shocked but I respected him for his honesty and the courage it took to tell me, knowing I was negative. That lead me to become more interested in learning about him. We wound up in a 3 year relationship, based in no small part on the fact we respected and trusted each other. Expect no less for yourself. Love yourself enough to insist on a mature, loving, and trusting relationship.
  • urhereurthere

    Posts: 185

    Jan 22, 2013 5:59 AM GMT
    I know trust is the first step for a relationship to work and i've been working towards making him feel comfortable to tell me. Im not positive but i almost just need to scream in his face that i know he is positive and that im ok with it and that we could deal with it the best we could. I just dont think thats the best step to take because once i decide to take that route it will be because im mad and tired of this lie :S
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    Jan 22, 2013 6:34 AM GMT
    First of all, I am proud of you for being an open-minded and understanding guy. Not everyone is so advanced in your knowledge and acceptance, and sadly this causes a great deal of stigma, shame and hiding among HIV+ people everywhere.

    Secondly, I am glad you are thinking about what is right and wrong and what you expect from relationships - and its clear that honesty is something very important to you, in spite of all other things (hornyness, emotions, attraction, physicality, etc.)

    HIV is not nothing. Its something which can be very serious, if ignored and not treated by medical professionals. But you're right - with solid medical treatment and a good amount of courage, HIV can be a manageable thing. I myself have been HIV+ for 12 years, on meds for 6, and I am in the best shape of my life (all my pics are recent).

    But here's the crucial thing: you can't force someone to become comfortable with all the scary things in life. Not overnight. It took me years to become comfortable disclosing my HIV status to others aside from my closest friends. It meant a lot time not having sex at all. Once I started feeling like I wanted to date again, it took many uncomfortable attempts at disclosure, mostly out fear of the unknown.

    Your friend's gossiping isn't helping things. This is the kind of talk which makes HIV+ people fearful of sharing their status with others - because he can't be sure what those people will do with that information.

    It sounds like you are mature enough to make your own decisions without your friend's intervention. Maybe the guy has very deep stigma, maybe he has very deep fear and anxiety over who will know and who to trust with such personal information. You can't drag that kind of information out of him without making him a completely vulnerable wreck.

    For now, you should accept that being with him will involve a long road to travel, requiring a great deal of patience and building up more trust than you can do over 3 dates. But you can decide that its too much to ask of a young relationship - so you don't have to do it. Can you just be friends for now? Take sex off the table, and just be good friends to develop your trust and allow things to grow between you two - and without the meddling of your well-meaning friend?!

    Good luck. I think you probably have already made up your mind. icon_smile.gif

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    Jan 22, 2013 7:28 AM GMT
    LeonardBizcut saidI know trust is the first step for a relationship to work and i've been working towards making him feel comfortable to tell me. Im not positive but i almost just need to scream in his face that i know he is positive and that im ok with it and that we could deal with it the best we could. I just dont think thats the best step to take because once i decide to take that route it will be because im mad and tired of this lie :S


    Per your request in a PM to me, here is my response.

    I commend you on reaching out to him to encourage him to self-disclose. I applaud you for your tenacious love for him as you continue to encourage him to "come out" of the HIV closet to you...if you're right about his status.

    If he is positive, then you're asking a guy who is probably a fearful, scared man to "come clean", overcome fear of rejection, stigma, and to have full faith and trust in you.

    So, you better be ready to "catch" him AND yourself if and when he overcomes that fear and humbles himself to you. He will be most vulnerable, and fragile.

    If you really love him, and if you really are "ok" with his seropositive status, then you need to cut to the chase and confront him face to face in a private place.

    Then, hold his hand and start with something like, "I love you. And, if you love me and trust me, then let's go together and get HIV tests. Ok?"

    You're giving him a chance to save face by approaching any seropositive revelation together, as a couple. After you ask the question, you need to shut up, look him in the eyes, and await his answer.

    If he says, "Yes", then go together and get the tests. Learn about HIV together, and ask questions. Educate yourself first and foremost.

    You need to be ready to be there for him if and when the result comes back seropositive. You need to be ready to help him work through any fear, sadness, anger, guilt, shame, which he may experience on the way to acceptance. You've also got to be ready to express your own feelings if you come back seropositive. And, if you still feel so moved, then you also need to reassure him that you love him.

    I repeat, that you had better be up and ready for this. To take him this far and then to abandon him would be unconscionable, cruel and evil. I know the feelings first hand. Because 28 years ago a man invited me to go get tested with him. He was scared and wanted my reassurance that I would be there for him if he tested positive. Lo and behold I was the one who came out positive and he came out negative. He dumped me immediately and left me alone to deal with what at the time was an incurable imminent death sentence. I was 19. He was 43 and a coward.

    After the tests, it's time to go to a therapist together so that you can both work through cleaning up the mess together. That environment will be the time to bring out all the dysfunctional lies, betrayals, and other bullshit like how his female "friend" betrayed his friendship by disclosing (perhaps illegally) his HIV status.

    Learning how to "get real" and "stay real" takes awareness and long, hard work.

    Don't take it on if you don't have the balls, and more importantly the heart.

    I wish you the best as you make your choice.

    Alan










  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 22, 2013 1:03 PM GMT
    Thread title is TL;DR

    As for the thread content - if he's gonna lie about his status, what's to say he wouldn't also lie about other things, like whether or not he's monogamous if you're into that sort of thing. It shows he isn't willing to trust you if he won't tell you.
  • ToddFitness

    Posts: 1

    Jan 22, 2013 1:06 PM GMT
    Hi Leonard. Sorry you are falling in love with a lier. That is a bigger problem than the HIV+.

    If you want to remain HIV- then you need to treat every man you are with as if he is HIV+, no matter what he says. He could not know, not care or be lying.

    As for the HIV+, my last 2 lovers (11 years and 2 years) are both HIV-. That's a lot of years and a lot of sex. The 11 year lover, we were not safe in the beginning. The 2 year lover, we were not safe at all. I always pulled out before cumming with him. I have been undetectable all this time and that is probably why they remain negative.

    Both of these men brought lying into the relationship and that is why we are not together anymore! Still friends though...

    Todd
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    Jan 22, 2013 1:29 PM GMT
    Assume everyone is positive, whether they tell you or not. They may know. Many do not.

    This is more about him being a liar than anything else. You could replace "HIV" with he has a wife/boyfriend/felony/drug user and it wouldn't change the fact that he lied to you about it.
  • Henrysz

    Posts: 24

    Jan 22, 2013 2:20 PM GMT
    trust me, find another guy, icon_smile.gif you will find someone the you love more!!! you should take care of yourself!!! because in this world, only you yourself can be with you all your life!!! : ) think about it, dude! You should be responsible for yourself!!!!!
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    Jan 22, 2013 2:40 PM GMT
    Myol saidAssume everyone is positive, whether they tell you or not. They may know. Many do not.

    This is more about him being a liar than anything else. You could replace "HIV" with he has a wife/boyfriend/felony/drug user and it wouldn't change the fact that he lied to you about it.


    I agree.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 22, 2013 2:53 PM GMT
    Poz guys are always the most charming "available" men in the dating pool. 7 out of 8 of my matches on a seriously dating site recently were non disclosed Poz guys . Welcome to the gay dating
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 22, 2013 3:06 PM GMT
    Sorry to say, the whole, "I am not HIV+! See, I changed my profile status and now I am neg!" routine smacks of a real piece of work. Charming sociopath, maybe?

    From the point of view of my humble personal experience, you two seem to be perfect for each other because he wants it that way. The same way he made himself HIV negative to please you, he may be pretending to be everything that you want, all the time. Which is easy to do if your relationship consists of lots of texting and two dates.

    If you get a chance, talk with an ex of his and ask him what Miguel is REALLY like in real life. You'll probably find out he's not the person you thought you met.
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Jan 22, 2013 5:17 PM GMT
    It's simple ask him to come with you to the clinic and get tested along side you. It could be fun if he has nothing to hid.
  • great_scott

    Posts: 519

    Jan 22, 2013 7:18 PM GMT
    I had a friend that used to lie to guys about his status without conscience. Believe it or not, this "sign" is a good thing. There are a lot of gay guys like that out there, so it's good that you see the reality pretty early. You should also keep this experience in mind when dating in the future.
  • urhereurthere

    Posts: 185

    Jan 22, 2013 8:57 PM GMT
    he is HIV+ and he is taking the medicines he has to. a friend of his told me that ...


    i dont know what to do ;S
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    Jan 22, 2013 9:43 PM GMT
    You've received a lot of sincere advice above, but no one can make the decision for you...that's your job. Although I like GAMRican's answer the best, you have to decide in your own heart what's best for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 22, 2013 9:44 PM GMT
    Talk to the guy. The least you could do is become friends. I know I did that instead of writing an OP about him, or the other guy I liked too. I don't have the guts to post something so blatant out there. Then again, I was missing the hints telling me to back off. Then, nothing...
    But, that was me, not you. Talk to the guy, and be a friend to start, and see how it goes. The worst he can say is not.
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    Jan 22, 2013 9:58 PM GMT
    LeonardBizcut saidhe is HIV+ and he is taking the medicines he has to. a friend of his told me that ...

    i dont know what to do ;S

    I understand, and I can't give you a good answer. I married a poz man, but he had told me about himself from the very first, no lies.

    And I knew there was some risk, even when having safe sex with him. But I was already 53, and maybe that also influenced my evaluation. I could accept that risk more easily, because how much longer is my life gonna be? And would I get to meet & love a man like him again, at my age? It's called risk assessment, when you balance the pros & cons.

    The other factor was longevity. Would he live long, with me forever? That's even tougher to consider, in my view. Turned out he contracted an opportunistic disease 2 years after we got together. He was gone in 6 weeks. You can't predict that.
  • urhereurthere

    Posts: 185

    Jan 23, 2013 3:47 AM GMT
    Thank you so much guys seriously, you helped a lot... i decided im gonna try to get closer to him and try to get him to tell me the truth by himself. if he doesnt, im gonna tell him that i know and that its ok. I'd have him either way... im just afraid of his reaction... if he gets all vulnerable and feeling like i double crossed him... I just did my homework :/

    like you said, the most i can get is a no..

    THANKS EVERYBODY icon_smile.gif
  • urhereurthere

    Posts: 185

    Jan 23, 2013 3:49 AM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    LeonardBizcut saidhe is HIV+ and he is taking the medicines he has to. a friend of his told me that ...

    i dont know what to do ;S

    I understand, and I can't give you a good answer. I married a poz man, but he had told me about himself from the very first, no lies.

    And I knew there was some risk, even when having safe sex with him. But I was already 53, and maybe that also influenced my evaluation. I could accept that risk more easily, because how much longer is my life gonna be? And would I get to meet & love a man like him again, at my age? It's called risk assessment, when you balance the pros & cons.

    The other factor was longevity. Would he live long, with me forever? That's even tougher to consider, in my view. Turned out he contracted an opportunistic disease 2 years after we got together. He was gone in 6 weeks. You can't predict that.


    i feel for you :/ must be really hard to deal with a loss like that given the relationship and the feeling involved... I have no idea how i'd deal with that...
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    Jan 23, 2013 3:50 AM GMT
    Holy Shit, that's a Long Post!!
  • dchot

    Posts: 21

    Jan 23, 2013 5:55 AM GMT
    Suggest that you both go down together and get tested. You want to be safe and you would not want to infect him if you were pos. Make the test be something you want the two of you to do. You have the right to know the truth and so does he. Maybe that will get him to open up. You might want to make sure you tell him that it will not make the difference in your growing love for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 23, 2013 6:00 AM GMT
    D'aww my name is Miguel
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    Jan 23, 2013 6:14 AM GMT
    Narciso saidD'aww my name is Miguel


    Admit it, man. You're positive !
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 23, 2013 6:36 AM GMT
    God gave you a sign, eh? lol Why does it seem like he interacts with everyone but me? It's almost as if he'd rather that I think that he doesn't exist. icon_lol.gif