I have to let someone down

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    Jan 23, 2013 5:48 AM GMT
    While I was in New York for Christmas, I went out with this guy one night (it was the night before I came back to Philly, so there was no chance of us going out again). I had a great time, but I didn't really consider it a date and I didn't realize that he did. He's a really nice guy, I can say a bunch of good things about him, but I'm not attracted to him, and I wouldn't be down for a long distance deal anyway. I'm happy to be his friend, but he seems to think there's more. He texts me every once in a while, but not so often or anything that too off the wall. Here's the kicker: I absentmindedly invited him here to teach him a few cooking basics. It's now turned into where he wants to come for a weekend so I can show him around town, and I get the hint that he may think he can stay in my apartment. I need to know how to tactfully let him know that I'm happy to be his friend, and I'm happy to have him come down for a day, but I'm not interested in him and I'm not comfortable having him stay at my place. I'm afraid that no matter what I say, I'm going to make him feel bad and I don't want to do that.
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    Jan 23, 2013 6:03 AM GMT
    You're not interested in him regardless and he will appreciate it if you tell him straight up how you feel instead of possibly accidentally stringing him along. There really is no perfect "tactful" way. Just tell him the truth and how you feel, regardless of how much you sugar coat it because you don't want to make him feel bad, he's going to feel bad anyway in some way.
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    Jan 23, 2013 7:41 AM GMT
    I know. I guess I needed someone else to tell me. My friend told me to just stop answering him, but i think that's terrible.
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    Jan 23, 2013 8:11 AM GMT
    I'm in a situation right now where I went on a date with a local guy, and we seemed to hit it off, and he has ignored my few texts about hanging out again. If he turned around tomorrow and told me he just didn't feel anything for me, I could instantly be his friend. He could not be attracted to me, or he could be turned off by the fact that I am moving 600 miles away in 4 months. But him ignoring me makes me lose a lot of respect for him.

    My point. Be honest. Yes you will hurt him if he is crazy about you... but if he is CRAZY about you that quickly... he is assuming an awful lot about you based on one meeting.

    Maybe he will respond and say "no worries" and y'all can remain friends.
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    Jan 23, 2013 10:49 AM GMT
    berry8330 saidI know. I guess I needed someone else to tell me. My friend told me to just stop answering him, but i think that's terrible.


    Just think of how you would like to be treated if the situation was reversed. Just tell him how you feel. Ignoring him till he goes away is the cowardly way to go about it.
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    Jan 23, 2013 7:10 PM GMT
    berry8330 saidWhile I was in New York for Christmas, I went out with this guy one night (it was the night before I came back to Philly, so there was no chance of us going out again). I had a great time, but I didn't really consider it a date and I didn't realize that he did. He's a really nice guy, I can say a bunch of good things about him, but I'm not attracted to him, and I wouldn't be down for a long distance deal anyway. I'm happy to be his friend, but he seems to think there's more. He texts me every once in a while, but not so often or anything that too off the wall. Here's the kicker: I absentmindedly invited him here to teach him a few cooking basics. It's now turned into where he wants to come for a weekend so I can show him around town, and I get the hint that he may think he can stay in my apartment. I need to know how to tactfully let him know that I'm happy to be his friend, and I'm happy to have him come down for a day, but I'm not interested in him and I'm not comfortable having him stay at my place. I'm afraid that no matter what I say, I'm going to make him feel bad and I don't want to do that.


    Man up and tell him just what you wrote here. The saying goes, "Ya' gotta' bark up the right tree."

    This is a lesson that will serve you well as you grow into maturity. Being forthright and having integrity is nearly always the best policy, and, done with the proper nuance, works out just fine. Walk into, through, beyond, and above, our comforts zones, while being kind and compassionate but direct and firm with confidence and a plan for a particular outcome.

    In this situation, the relationship (friendship, fuck bud, one nighter, etc.) evolves into a new state, as it rightly should. Ignoring someone is both cowardly and hurtful.

    If he feels bad, he'll need to resolve that on his own, which, he will, by whatever method. Integrity is, on your part, is best. There's much more compassion in integrity, than not.
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    Jan 23, 2013 7:26 PM GMT
    berry8330 saidWhile I was in New York for Christmas, I went out with this guy one night (it was the night before I came back to Philly, so there was no chance of us going out again). I had a great time, but I didn't really consider it a date and I didn't realize that he did. He's a really nice guy, I can say a bunch of good things about him, but I'm not attracted to him, and I wouldn't be down for a long distance deal anyway. I'm happy to be his friend, but he seems to think there's more. He texts me every once in a while, but not so often or anything that too off the wall. Here's the kicker: I absentmindedly invited him here to teach him a few cooking basics. It's now turned into where he wants to come for a weekend so I can show him around town, and I get the hint that he may think he can stay in my apartment. I need to know how to tactfully let him know that I'm happy to be his friend, and I'm happy to have him come down for a day, but I'm not interested in him and I'm not comfortable having him stay at my place. I'm afraid that no matter what I say, I'm going to make him feel bad and I don't want to do that.


    Specify the friend zone and make up the couch for him. Problem solved.

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    Jan 23, 2013 7:32 PM GMT
    berry8330 said I absentmindedly invited him here to teach him a few cooking basics.


    icon_lol.gif How does that happen? Bottom line, you can resolve this situation by either being truthful or evasive. Lance that boil instead of letting it

    fester
  • in_this_corne...

    Posts: 704

    Jan 23, 2013 7:42 PM GMT
    What's his email address? I'll send him a link to this thread.
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    Jan 23, 2013 7:48 PM GMT
    ^ LOL that's clever... really tho. Haha

    But in all honesty, just tell him you're not comfortable with having him staying at your place. It's nothing personal, you just don't really know him. And I guess you can tell him that you think he's a cool friend, and how you're happy to have made a friend, because it's uncommon since guys usually want to get with you or date you, and you don't want that... so thank him for being a friend icon_razz.gif
  • MidwesternKid

    Posts: 1167

    Jan 23, 2013 7:50 PM GMT
    Rehearse what you want to say and how you want it to come across. If he isn't adult enough to accept it, then that is his loss.
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    Jan 23, 2013 7:50 PM GMT
    berry8330 saidWhile I was in New York for Christmas, I went out with this guy one night (it was the night before I came back to Philly, so there was no chance of us going out again). I had a great time, but I didn't really consider it a date and I didn't realize that he did. He's a really nice guy, I can say a bunch of good things about him, but I'm not attracted to him, and I wouldn't be down for a long distance deal anyway. I'm happy to be his friend, but he seems to think there's more. He texts me every once in a while, but not so often or anything that too off the wall. Here's the kicker: I absentmindedly invited him here to teach him a few cooking basics. It's now turned into where he wants to come for a weekend so I can show him around town, and I get the hint that he may think he can stay in my apartment. I need to know how to tactfully let him know that I'm happy to be his friend, and I'm happy to have him come down for a day, but I'm not interested in him and I'm not comfortable having him stay at my place. I'm afraid that no matter what I say, I'm going to make him feel bad and I don't want to do that.


    If you are willing to be his friend, what is the big deal about having him stay at your place? What on earth do friends do? What's the point of having a friend then?
    Just be up front with him and tell him that while you are willing to be his friend that it will not progress beyond a platonic friendship.

    Have you ever considered that had you been up front, he may not even now be contacting you?

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    Jan 23, 2013 7:57 PM GMT
    Good point. Friends have integrity, trust, and they don't sweat the small shit. I understand you might feel smothered, or don't define friendship in the same way as some, but, honesty will serve you best here.

    Have some integrity, courage, and just plain civility.

    Like so, "Hey, Dude. I wanta' make sure you don't misunderstand. I'm up for being friends but not a hard core long distance relationship. I just wanted to make sure we are on the same wave length."

    Come now. I know you can do that.
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    Jan 23, 2013 8:09 PM GMT
    Locke says One thing is to show someone he's wrong, another is to give him the possession of the truth.
    You're not letting him down, you're giving him the means to decide what he wants for himself, because up until now you've probably just fed his illusion, even if you didn't mean to.
    Just talk about it naturally the next time you guys address the subject. If that's the way you feel, nothing should hold you back or make you feel bad about it.
    Which includes you not wanting him to stay at your apartment. If you're not comfortable with it, just say it. Think it's the best policy
    =)
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jan 23, 2013 8:10 PM GMT
    listen, you need to tell him because he deserves to know. if you are a real friend than you should not have a problem telling him. oh yeah, do not do it by phone or text message or email. please have the common courtesy to at least do it in person. Ask him can he come down to philly or you can go up to ny and do it there. but have the decency to do it in person
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    Jan 23, 2013 8:12 PM GMT
    dicasu saidLocke says One thing is to show someone he's wrong, another is to give him the possession of the truth.
    You're not letting him down, you're giving him the means to decide what he wants for himself, because up until now you've probably just fed his illusion, even if you didn't mean to.
    Just talk about it naturally the next time you guys address the subject. If that's the way you feel, nothing should hold you back or make you feel bad about it.
    Which includes you not wanting him to stay at your apartment. If you're not comfortable with it, just say it. Think it's the best policy
    =)


    Informed evolution of a relationship.........
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    Jan 23, 2013 8:16 PM GMT
    berry8330 saidI know. I guess I needed someone else to tell me. My friend told me to just stop answering him, but i think that's terrible.


    You are a good guy. Your friend...not so much.

    Just remember to be...

    Cruel to be kind in the right measure
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    Jan 23, 2013 8:18 PM GMT
    Informed evolution of a relationship.........[/quote]

    Isn't that the most wonderful and empowering thing around? hah icon_razz.gif
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    Jan 23, 2013 9:20 PM GMT
    You've obviously got a good heart because you're asking the right question.
    It's not whether to tell him, but how.

    Tactful and truthful - with no chance for mis-understanding. That means you have to clearly tell him that you had a good time, but that nothing will ever come of it romantically, and that you would feel uncomfortable with him staying at your place. His best chance to get over you comes if you're wording is short, precise, and clean.
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    Jan 23, 2013 9:42 PM GMT
    So let's think about this - and the best way to clarify the situation for this new guy. You're concerned that he seems to think there's more (to your relationship after just one date or meeting). You've invited him to come to your city (approx. a 2 hour drive) for some cooking lessons at your place. He wants to accept, and may be thinking this is for a weekend, but you're not wild about having him for the whole weekend.

    You could mention that you're happy to have him come down for the day - and you're happy to have him as a friend, but that you don't see more than that. If he still wants to come - he could start early - spend some hours at your place doing the cooking, and then head on back to NY. If you wanted to - - you could offer him (in advance) your couch for the night (like any friend you're not romantically involved with) and then you could spend more time showing him around the city.

    If he's mature - he should realize that having you as a friend is a positive, good thing - - - even if it cannot be more. It seems like you've found a lot of good things about this guy - - - and good friends are rare to find. I'd try to see if you could keep him as a friend.
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    Jan 23, 2013 11:18 PM GMT
    berry8330 saidI know. I guess I needed someone else to tell me. My friend told me to just stop answering him, but i think that's terrible.

    Your friend is an asshole. Just sayin'.

    Your going to hurt him MORE by ignoring him, blowing him off or leading him on rather then telling him straight up. Been there - done that.
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    Jan 24, 2013 12:57 AM GMT
    Grow some balls and tell him all the shit you just wrote and not play sensitive games, I personally would want to be "let down" ASAP, so I don't put to much emotional effort in it and get my hopes up! icon_redface.gif
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    Jan 24, 2013 1:05 AM GMT
    Chuckles777 saidGrow some balls and tell him all the shit you just wrote and not play sensitive games, I personally would want to be "let down" ASAP, so I don't put to much emotional effort in it and get my hopes up! icon_redface.gif


    Yer a real gem.

    Trust Me...you will be "let down ASAP" frequently.

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    Jan 24, 2013 1:08 AM GMT
    I'm really confused on how you invite someone to travel to your state to teach him cooking and you've only been on one date prior. Seems odd he'd agree and odd you'd offer.
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    Jan 24, 2013 1:09 AM GMT
    OP - be upfront.

    There is no sin in saying you are happy to get together but anything romantic is not happening.

    Friends are a valuable resource!!!!!

    icon_biggrin.gif

    icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif

    And don't ignore Him...THAT is just cruel.

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