Why do guys keep leading me on to just blow me off?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 25, 2013 10:46 PM GMT
    I'm kind of new to this whole dating thing and I've had a string of bad experiences with the guys I've met.

    Like this one time I met a guy who was in town for the weekend and I went out with him. He tells me he likes me and at he's upset he's never gonna see me again so I give him my number and he says he's coming back in January. Well the whole time it was me contacting him and never him me. Then January came and not a text or call. So I said fuck him.

    Then there was this guy that I chatted with online. This guy kept asking me about relationship stuff and asked me what my ideal date was and that he needed to know places so he could take me out. He kept disappearing on me every time we chatted saying that his friend stopped by. Eventually I got tired of being blown off. So I said fuck him.

    So now I'm talking to this guy who contacted me and chatted me up, He lives in another city and was saying that it's too bad I live far cause I seemed fun. I thought he was a nice guy and kinda wanted to meet him and see if there was something there. I mailed him and texted him a couple times but he's just being kind of standoffish and doesn't respond to my texts. So I'm ready to say fuck him too.

    Why, why, why do guys lead you on and then start to blow you off? I would honestly feel less bad if they just outright tell you "sorry I lost interest."
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    Jan 25, 2013 10:57 PM GMT
    I honestly don't know. Anyone who would blow you off is a total fool. I see your profile pic, I read the comments, I see your other pics.

    If guys are blowing you off then I think you're negotiating with the wrong guys. The important thing is to recognize that it's not YOU who's deficient, but THEM.

    Should I use the fishing analogy again? It's takes dozens of casts to get a nibble, dozens of nibbles to get a bite. And when you finally land the fish, sometimes it isn't a keeper after all and you've gotta throw it back. And that's gay dating, too. The ratio of attempts to failures is rather high, the ratio to finding keepers rather low.

    So please tell us, how many guys do you approach a month? A week? The fewer your contacts, the longer this will take for you. Not to suggest you become a slut, but you've gotta circulate, and in the right venues. Are you doing that?
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    Jan 25, 2013 11:01 PM GMT
    Shyguy_1986 said... Eventually I got tired of being blown off. So I said fuck him.
    ...
    Sounds like a porn flick. icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 25, 2013 11:06 PM GMT
    ART_DECO saidI honestly don't know. Anyone who would blow you off is a total fool. I see your profile pic, I read the comments, I see your other pics.

    If guys are blowing you off then I think you're negotiating with the wrong guys. The important thing is to recognize that it's not YOU who's deficient, but THEM.

    Should I use the fishing analogy again? It's takes dozens of casts to get a nibble, dozens of nibbles to get a bite. And when you finally land the fish, sometimes it isn't a keeper after all and you've gotta throw it back. And that's gay dating, too. The ratio of attempts to failures is rather high, the ratio to finding keepers rather low.

    So please tell us, how many guys do you approach a month? A week? The fewer your contacts, the longer this will take for you. Not to suggest you become a slut, but you've gotta circulate, and in the right venues. Are you doing that?


    I usually only try to find guys online, I don't really go to gay venues. I usually don't approach guys. They approach me and I respond to the ones I find attractive. Although guy number 2 I did approach. But yeah online dating sucks and I'd rather meet people the old fashioned way.
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    Jan 25, 2013 11:06 PM GMT
    paulflexes said
    Shyguy_1986 said... Eventually I got tired of being blown off. So I said fuck him.
    ...
    Sounds like a porn flick. icon_lol.gif


    Lol I knew my choice of words would cause this. icon_lol.gif
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    Jan 26, 2013 2:56 PM GMT



    At one time, long, long ago I never pursued or made the first move with men. They did. Similar experiences, and this was looooonnnnnggggggg before there was any internet and only dial phones.

    One night, a friend who was a rather famous drag performer at the local club, said to me, "If you act like prey you're going to get predators."

    So I began making overtures to men that I thought I'd like. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2013 7:50 PM GMT
    the problem here is I don't think there are outright rules for online dating etiquette, so people pretty much do anything they want. I'm guilty of being on the other end of this coin: In theory, a guy I find hot sends me a message, we flirt, and meet. But here's the thing - while that process begins to take off, another guy who I find hot messages me, and I feel obliged to reply to him. I do not have the cognitive capacity to maintain several threads of conversation in my head, so I just start ignoring everyone. I suspect I'm not the only person with this problem.
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    Jan 26, 2013 11:17 PM GMT
    BOLD TEXT GOES HERECOLORED TEXT GOES HERERESIZED TEXT GOES HERE

    The reason they blow you off is they're sick heads. It's a gay board game played w/living pawns, you being one presently & I having been one. Try to rise above it & know that your ancestors were gentlemen whilst theirs were still hanging by their tails from trees.

    And never invest your self worth based upon what others think. It's the short cut to going dead mental.
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    Jan 26, 2013 11:23 PM GMT
    agreed, im on my way out of the game... too much time spent wishing for something that im convinced wont happen. im learning to be comfortable with myself...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2013 11:24 PM GMT
    I used to be in your shoes all the time. Sometimes I still find myself like that I've just learned to get past it. Some guys will show interest, then disappear. You can't really let it get to you... otherwise you'll be very unhappy! lol.

    Just focus on yourself, and enjoy talking to the guys you meet. If they keep talking to you, then cool. If not, their loss. icon_cool.gif
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    Jan 26, 2013 11:25 PM GMT
    bols59 saidBOLD TEXT GOES HERECOLORED TEXT GOES HERERESIZED TEXT GOES HERE

    The reason they blow you off is they're sick heads. It's a gay board game played w/living pawns, you being one presently & I having been one. Try to rise above it & know that your ancestors were gentlemen whilst theirs were still hanging by their tails from trees.

    And never invest your self worth based upon what others think. It's the short cut to going dead mental.

    Soh, this.

    Where's the bold and colored text?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2013 11:28 PM GMT
    Well, I can't explain why guys do this, other than that some of the mediums in which you are interacting are impersonal, and people feel free to just cut off contact. It's kinda like catalogue shopping.

    Also, if you are looking for a relationship, out-of-towners are often not the best choice.

    So, a word to the wise: don't get invested in anyone until you've had a significant amount of in-person interaction.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2013 11:40 PM GMT
    Maybe you come off sounding too desperate for a date? I dunno just guessing
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 26, 2013 11:42 PM GMT
    If its not meant to be then don't push it. Sorry if it sounds too simply, but dating really is that simple.

    Better yet, maybe you want to start with being friends first....I dunno....just saying
  • Aodhan

    Posts: 3828

    Jan 26, 2013 11:46 PM GMT
    meninlove said


    "If you act like prey you're going to get predators."


    This is one of the best advice I've seen in a long long time icon_smile.gif
    Thanks it helps me as well as it should the OP
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    Jan 27, 2013 12:20 AM GMT
    jonnyboy saidagreed, im on my way out of the game... too much time spent wishing for something that im convinced wont happen. im learning to be comfortable with myself...


    Exactly. It doesn't necessarily build a good relationship with the self if you're always living in fantasy. Our ego loves fantasy more than anything else. Tomorrow hasn't happened yet, nor are we guaranteed it will. Whatever happens today is where we find truth and the reality. It's the only place we can take action, the only place we can become free, and the only day worth living.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 27, 2013 12:23 AM GMT
    Maybe you're not putting out fast enough for their liking.
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    Jan 27, 2013 12:27 AM GMT
    I'm really glad you made a post about this, because I feel the EXACT same way. I met this guy not long ago that basically did the same thing. We would talk on the phone for long periods of time, multiple times a week, and even met up a couple of times as well. There was also a lot of texting too, but suddenly he stopped texting me back, etc. so I got the hint and left him alone.

    What I don't understand is why it happened. He had made comments about me being "attractive" and "handsome" and that he "loved being around" me, but then out of nowhere he just up and stops all contact. I, too, felt very hurt and lead-on.

    Good luck with your situation. Just remember that a lot of guys have poor social etiquette, along with honesty issues. This happens to a lot of us.
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    Jan 27, 2013 12:35 AM GMT
    Maybe you come across as a little needy
  • TroyAthlete

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    Jan 27, 2013 12:37 AM GMT
    It's not you, it's the competition factor.

    You have to remember, especially when meeting dudes online: you are competing with hundreds of thousands of other profiles. And gays love to shop for the best deal, even when they already have a great item in hand. So they were talking to you and might have liked you sure, but they were probably talking to five OTHER dudes too, one (or more) of whom ended up being more to their taste for whatever reason (or so they thought at the moment).

    Now, should you fish with a net too rather than focusing on one dude at a time? Up to you. But as a general rule, you should never make a priority of someone that only makes you an option. And never assume that just because a guy is into you that you're his only option.



    Time to cite again the TroyAthlete Gay Dating Corollary: "Until you have had the relationship talk AND he is introducing you to important people in his life as his boyfriend, never expect or assume a dude will stick around."

    Ignore, and you will be setting yourself up for a lot of self-doubt, second-guessing, insecurity, hurt, and heartache. Not worth it. When gay guys come to terms with this, it means they've become a grownup. The key is not to become jaded and bitter, but just let the ones who get away roll of your back with a shrug.

    Source: years of experience.
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    Jan 27, 2013 1:12 AM GMT
    TroyAthleteAnd never assume that just because a guy is into you that you're his only option.


    +1.
    This.
    Also, it doesn't sound like things progressed very far with any of these guys - I wouldn't take it personally I'm sure it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 27, 2013 1:18 AM GMT
    Shyguy_1986 saidI'm kind of new to this whole dating thing and I've had a string of bad experiences with the guys I've met.

    Like this one time I met a guy who was in town for the weekend and I went out with him. He tells me he likes me and at he's upset he's never gonna see me again so I give him my number and he says he's coming back in January. Well the whole time it was me contacting him and never him me. Then January came and not a text or call. So I said fuck him.

    Then there was this guy that I chatted with online. This guy kept asking me about relationship stuff and asked me what my ideal date was and that he needed to know places so he could take me out. He kept disappearing on me every time we chatted saying that his friend stopped by. Eventually I got tired of being blown off. So I said fuck him.

    So now I'm talking to this guy who contacted me and chatted me up, He lives in another city and was saying that it's too bad I live far cause I seemed fun. I thought he was a nice guy and kinda wanted to meet him and see if there was something there. I mailed him and texted him a couple times but he's just being kind of standoffish and doesn't respond to my texts. So I'm ready to say fuck him too.

    Why, why, why do guys lead you on and then start to blow you off? I would honestly feel less bad if they just outright tell you "sorry I lost interest."


    Because you aren't their type..

    I am going to be more honest than most guys dare to be right now.
    A lot of guys including myself have a problem where they think they like a guy and say/do a lot of things, but when they realize they don't want the guy, they feel bad and attempt to take a quiet exit. Meaning they (we actually) will stop responding and hope you think their phone broke or they changed their number or something. If you managed to see them in public, thats most likely what they'll tell you, or some other excuse. Honestly the first guy may have realized you were not a good match for each other before he left. He had been talking to you a while and he knew how good you were to him, so he probably felt waaaay uncomfortable with just saying "I dont like you like that, and this is why-". He may have also meant it, but all the same, he stopped texting you because he is done with you. He moved on, and does not see a future with you even as a friend. It would be awkward anyway.
    But heres the thing, if you are as nice as you seem to be, these guys did not cut you off for the purpose of hurting you. They do it because they dont want to have to tell you how they feel. Maybe its something really personal that they know would be offensive to dump you for, for example:

    Let's pretend you have a rather large growth somewhere on your body. The guy discovers this, is disgusted, but his conscience makes him feel bad for no longer wanting you despite your A+ personality. He stops responding to your texts because he wants himself and you to move on without another word, because he can't give you a proper reason for not talking to you that doesnt seem shallow. And he realizes that his real reason IS shallow. So he runs away.

    It could be anything else though. In their opinion, you might not have the personality they want in a guy, or maybe you have a bad habit they dont like, or maybe your laugh could be annoying, or it could be as simple as not being attractive/buff enough. Most of the time, its going to be something superficial and may or may not be ashamed of how they feel about it, and instead of facing you, they stop talking to you completely to avoid feeling bad. Yes it is cowardly and an easy way out, but what is the alternative, tell you to your face that theres something they dont like about you that you might not even be able to change? It could be as fixable as a drug problem, or as unchangeable as being "too nice" (yes there is such a thing). This kind of rejection is much easier to deal with than an explanation.

    So how do you deal with it?

    Almost every guy ever has had this happen to them. A LOT of guys are guilty of it AND victims of it. There are obvious factors that decide who these people are, and who does and does not experience this kind of thing, but aside from that:

    You are allowed to be upset about rejection. When you invest feelings into someone and they just vanish, what else can you do but feel uncertain and even angry?
    What you need to do is allow yourself the time to feel bad about it, but then get back up and move on to the next guy. The last guy who blew you off might not be your last, but you cant just sink into a despair. You are not undesirable. You just havent found the right guy. Eventually you'll meet someone who will stick around. Trial and error. Some people find the right person quickly, but others have to dig, and unfortunately when a lot of guys draw the wrong straw, they chuck it.

    [edit] I realize there are millions of other factors I left out, but I'm losing my focus andin order to preserve coherence and space on the page, I'll leave it at this]
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jan 27, 2013 1:20 AM GMT
    Yeah it happens to me too ALOT icon_sad.gif
  • WhoDey

    Posts: 561

    Jan 27, 2013 1:54 AM GMT
    Aggieboy saidYeah it happens to me too ALOT icon_sad.gif


    Maybe cause your pics scream of desperation
  • He_Man

    Posts: 906

    Jan 27, 2013 2:52 AM GMT

    As women can attest, most guys are assholes and only care about themselves. Gay men are no exception. As someone stated earlier, most guys are looking for the prime beef, not select or choice, so we're always in a cruel battle for finding the next, hottest cut of meat.

    Second, the internet is such an impersonal tool to meet guys and to try to make real connections. Okay, I am aware that some people actually do make honest and healthy relationships via the internet, but those are the exception, not the norm. I have been guilty of talking to guys on Facebook, Scruff and RJ and for whatever reason, lost interest and stopped communicating with them. Mainly because they were too far away, and I knew that the odds of us meeting in person were pretty slim. I don't need pen pals, plus I don't want to engage with twenty men a day, ever day, because I do have a life outside of cyberspace.

    Sometimes I feel that it would be better to just disconnect from the internet, do as my ancestors did and step out into the real world to make real-life friendships and relationships. Yeah, it may be scary and a little dangerous, but at least there is real human interaction, not these on-line personalities that are often fantasy and insincere.